To think my husband has ADHD?

[stanfordpuma]

10 years of marriage and I love him very much. But happened to see a TikTok last week from an ADHD man that very much described my husband while describing himself. I just thought it was "husband's personality" but now I'm really wondering about ADHD. I think it would help a lot to explain the very frustrating aspects of his personality. He's extremely intelligent and high-functioning but:

• no attention span for non-preferred tasks
• impulsivity
• restlessness
• disorganisation and difficulty prioritising tasks (honestly sometimes I've wondered if he is having me on with the level of chaos)
• poor time management and UTTER time blindness (literally NO concept of time, and again I've come to realise this isn't selfishness or narcissism, just "blindness")
• Frequent mood swings and emotional dysregulation
• CANNOT multitask AT ALL (again have generally thought he was having me on with the lack of ability but it's been 10 years and I've accepted he simply can't)
• Inability to control anger and frustration (absolutely LOST IT in the car today because he'd forgotten his iPods at a meeting- and leaves stuff scattered behind him everywhere he goes)
• Distractability
• Difficulty awaiting turn (he goes MAD in queues)

I've had a dilemma for years because often his behaviour comes across as "entitled" or "narcissistic" to others but genuinely, he has the best heart, always says sorry, and I genuinely have thought "that's just how he is". He gets SUPER distressed in crowds which often comes across as aggression unless I'm there to calm him down. He's over 6 feet and very hairy and "male" but often reminds me of a small child with the chaos and the disorganisation. I don't want to "put him in a box" but it would be - I think- helpful- to realise that all these (very annoying) characteristics are symptoms of neurodiversity, rather than "he's a disorganised, selfish pri**k" which is my default response! Any resources/help/reading material/directions welcome. This is very new to me so apologies if I've offended anyone. I just somehow "know" I'm on to something here with him. Need to add- he's a fully-functional adult with a good job who loves me and the kids to bits and would do anything for us. As he says "I'm good at the big things".

He sounds EXACTLY like my DH. He went to the GP with a list of difficulties - stating that he was starting to have problems in relationships, work etc.

Their response was that he was obviously coping ok and that they didn't have any medication or advice for any of these problems. They seemed annoyed at him in a way as they said they'd had an influx of patients saying the same.

I have done a lot of research on neurodivergence as our DS is autistic so I know my husband is ADHD but I'm guessing he'll never get a diagnosis.

I hope you manage to find a solution! X

I have adhd, OP. It definitely sounds like he might have it. Encourage him to talk to the GP.

Maybe try a different GP? There is a long waiting list for diagnosis on the NHS but it's worth the wait.

To meet the threshold for diagnosis, you do have to demonstrate that your difficulties are having a significant impact on your ability to function effectively in your day to day life, but I'm assuming that he wouldn't have bothered approaching the GP in the first place if he wasn't genuinely struggling.

Thank you for your responses, ladies. Honestly it's good to know I might be on the right track.
@hotelmotelpremierinn it's a relief to know that others are the same. Even without a diagnosis it might help me to do further reading. I hope your husband finds support.
@MrsBennetsPoorNerves Thank you for the validation- it is good to hear from someone who really knows.

I think just having an inkling of what's going on is my first step- now I think it's up to me to do some more reading. I don't know what support even might be available for him (I think he'd be very averse to taking medication) but at least it helps to frame the situation/behaviour in a different way.

Thank you again.

I was all prepared to be sceptical when I clicked on the thread, because so many women on here think their actually selfish, entitled husbands have ADHD, but it does sound very much like he does.

My ds has diagnosed ADHD, and I (whilst not diagnosed) as very similar to your husband. Especially with crowds and queues, but not only that. I internalise a lot of the feelings so you wouldn’t necessarily see it though.

The thing that makes me think this is genuine is that you said “everything thinks”, and the at he comes across as entitled “to others” - if he was a narcissist or just selfish etc it would be only you suffering the time blindness, inattention etc. The fact that he’s like it with everyone suggests it’s something he genuinely struggles with.

There's a lady on Instagram who is autistic and has ADHD and she has some good tips of non medication related things you can do to help.
(Can't remember her name right now sorry)
He needs to want to do these things himself though.
One of the things she talks about is keeping your dopamine levels low in the morning because if they spike early then you will be chasing that high all day. So basically don't look at your phone first thing!
I honestly think it's having a smart phone that has tipped my DH from living a manageable life into utter chaos!!

look up ADHD type I

a few months ago i was diagnosed with this at 42

You could be describing me or my dad or ds here! I'm not sure if it's adhd but we certainly all seem to fail at life in the same way.

Is he any better if he drinks coffee? Stimulants (including caffeine) can help ADHD as it helps them focus on the small stuff. Caffeine isnt as strong as the prescription medicines, so would only have a small effect, but it can provide some directional evidence and help

Oh my goodness - he is absolutely dependent on coffee to an almost ridiculous degree. Literally cannot function without it. Can't "think straight" without it, he says. This is another one of those things that I've always dismissed as "dramatic nonsense" like when he can't absorb a single piece of information until he's had two cups of super-strong coffee in the morning. I might need to take another look. Thank you.

Thanks again to everyone for the helpful comments.
@hotelmotelpremierinn the phone thing has got to an utterly ridiculous point. He literally can't leave it alone for a minute. If I'm speaking to him and he picks it up I just stop, mid sentence, and when he puts it down I continue speaking. As if he was a small child.
I will look up ADHD Type 1.

He might do quite well on ADHD stimulant medicine if coffee helps him. Would he consider a trial? The medicine leaves your system completely in 4 or 6 hrs (depending on formulation). He could then decide if he wants to keep going with it based on facts rather than guesses. If he does want to try it I would suggest you find a private doctor to diagnose and prescribe for him (you dont need a referral from a GP).

@SeaToSki I don't know if I'm even at that point with him yet. I showed him the list yesterday and (lightly) said "I think you tick quite a few boxes here". Then I asked him about the coffee today and he said "This sounds like a trick question, but yes, I know where you're going, and stimulants help. Coffee helps. Nicotine helps." (I got him off the cigarettes but not quite and he's now vaping like an absolute nutter.)
So I don't think we're remotely at the stage of him going to see a doctor. This thread (thank you all) is to get MY head a bit straight and to try to reframe how I see and feel about the behaviour. So I can understand better instead of being cross about it all the time.

@stanfordpuma so much of what you've written resonates with me.
My dh was formally diagnosed this year after a series of events where he really funked some things up for himself workwise through disorganisation / abysmal timekeeping

He mainlines coffee too, always has & also says it helps him think straight. He has hyper focus in certain areas which def helps with aspects of his work but he struggles with other parts.

He works in a creative field & his psychiatrist has said he would not be keen to put him on drugs as it could impact the creativity which he needs.

After so many years of frustration & picking up all the pieces all the time, I'm finding knowing definitively that there IS a reason, not just him being a selfish asshole, makes it a bit easier. But it's still hard some days & I'm v tired myself.

Fucked not funked

Do we all need labels?

Maybe he thinks this way and you think that way?

Compromise.

@WhatADrabCarpet it's not "labels" it's: I'm doing all the mental load and he's incapable of even the simplest task, without constant reminders and monitoring.

This weekend I did a test (I know you're not supposed to but I had to). I asked him to give the children their lunch today. (He has done this perhaps 5 times in 8 years because he creates such chaos that I always do it.) He literally cannot manage "put (pre-cooked) bolognese sauce from Tupperware container on pasta, put bowl in microwave, give to children" without 10 deviations to do something else that held his attention more. It took 90 minutes from first request ("please give the children their lunch as I am busy with work in the other room") for him to put two plates of food down in front of the children, because I did not step in to help- I needed to see for myself if the ADHD was "real". (Yes it was a test to see if I was imagining the ADHD, no I won't do it again, yes I had sneakily given the children peanut butter sandwiches an hour before lunchtime so they weren't hungry or distressed.)

I read the other longer thread on husband with ADHD in "Relationships" and was in tears by the end. It's not about "thinking differently" or "compromise" it's about one partner literally picking up the pieces, all the time. As many ADHD people were kind enough to express on the other thread, it's neurodivergence. And I'm new to this, so finding it hard to adjust.

My ex-h was like this although undiagnosed. It was torture to live with. Our DS has autism and combined type ADHD.

He sounds ever so like my son before he was diagnosed and medicated. Queuing used to cause him distress that almost seemed like physical pain. He has diagnosed ASD and ADHD (combined type).

I also have ADHD diagnosed after him (inattentive type). It's been a revelation. Meds have massively improved my focus though they haven't been a miracle cure. I'm still prone to time blindness and procrastination especially with the same smartphone. I was blown away by the comment upthread about not looking at the phone first thing as the whole day is driven "chasing" it. So so true. Going to try to avoid it until lunch time tomorrow.

DD (14) and DS (12) both diagnosed with ADHD. DD is on meds for school days which has really helped. She majors on the hyperactive. Just looking into meds for DS as his inability to focus is starting to be an impediment - forgetfulness, inability to organise himself, distractibility to the point where it takes 4 reminders to get him to brush his teeth, lives in a dream, loses everything, super bright but can't stay on task for 5 seconds. Tried to help him revise for some exams he has this week - like nailing jelly to the wall! Suspect he has the inattentive type. Less annoying in your child - but he really can't help it so will look at meds again and work on strategies. They are both lovely kids and I find them to have higher than average degrees of empathy, optimism, resilience, imagination and creativity. And they funny AF. So maybe there are flipsides.

I’m like that with queues. It is pretty painful.

I’m can cope with queues, traffic jams, waiting etc , as long as no one talks to me. I need to concentrate on it 100% for some reason. It’s when people insist on rabbiting on whilst your waiting that tips me over the edge.

Sounds like my DH who was diagnosed last year.

My advice: get him to self-refer to Psychiatry UK, which has a waiting list of several months versus several years with mainstream NHS (Psy UK is a service funded by the NHS). Geg him on medication ASAP. My DH is on atomoxetine and the difference is astounding.

You can only self refer for their private service, for it to be NHS funded they still require referral from GP for the Right to Choose pathway ( England only ). ADHDUK explains process & other providers.
Some GPs don't understand RTC and may have to push for it, especially since that panaroma show. Depends what your local NHS ADHD provision waitlists are like as some are better than others, here it's currently min 2yrs, some areas 5yr and some are contracting out to private providers anyway.

Private can seem like quick option for diagnosis but can cause some headaches if want medication getting NHS to take over funding it after titration.

The ADHD screener is ASRS-V1( download on psych-uk link to fill in for GP) but this one scores for you and explains some of weaknesses of test.

Your husband's behaviour sounds very typical ADHD so it would be worthwhile looking into getting a diagnosis.
It's not just a label, it's common for adults post diagnosis to feel huge relief that there's an explanation and it's not their fault after all along with grief post diagnosis for the life they may have had if it was known about from young age as by most have to some degree developed self esteem, anxiety & depression issues from trying very hard and still feeling failure, a message often reinforced by others from young age. The lost potential of what they could've achieved in life, ADHDers can be high achievers with classic high flyer jobs doctors, lawyers and make successful entrepreneurs but as they have to work extra hard to achieve this other aspects of their life are often a mess instead, so maybe relationship failures, addictions, mental burnouts.

Whether decide to try medication is personal choice although worth to see if helps, lots are already self medicating like DH with coffee, energy drinks, food or other dopamine boosting activities. There is lot of free self help available to learn more ADHD friendly ways to deal with life, podcasts and some virtual events ( mostly US based) with ADHD coaches.

All the signs of aggression and distractability might be due to the caffeine. My boyfriend is similar after taking high caffeine, pre-workout for the gym.

Those symptoms you described could also be bipolar II. Or various physical illnesses.

Best to go to a psychiatrist with an open mind rather than be tested specifically for ADHD.

Another one saying it sounds just like my diagnosed DH.
I was perusing MN a couple of years ago and ended up on a thread about a husband getting diagnosed and it was like the op was living a parallel life.
DH was diagnosed last year (we had to provide supporting evidence that went back to childhood). He's now medicated and doing much better at life but it's taken him a year to work through all most of the emotions around it.
He has fewer bad days and we're aware of it for our DC.
It's made it easier to understand the challenges for both of us but I still very much carry the mental load and some days it really gets to me.
Dr Russell Barkley has a lot of info on you tube- respected professor specialising for years.