To think my husband has ADHD?

[stanfordpuma]

10 years of marriage and I love him very much. But happened to see a TikTok last week from an ADHD man that very much described my husband while describing himself. I just thought it was "husband's personality" but now I'm really wondering about ADHD. I think it would help a lot to explain the very frustrating aspects of his personality. He's extremely intelligent and high-functioning but:

• no attention span for non-preferred tasks
• impulsivity
• restlessness
• disorganisation and difficulty prioritising tasks (honestly sometimes I've wondered if he is having me on with the level of chaos)
• poor time management and UTTER time blindness (literally NO concept of time, and again I've come to realise this isn't selfishness or narcissism, just "blindness")
• Frequent mood swings and emotional dysregulation
• CANNOT multitask AT ALL (again have generally thought he was having me on with the lack of ability but it's been 10 years and I've accepted he simply can't)
• Inability to control anger and frustration (absolutely LOST IT in the car today because he'd forgotten his iPods at a meeting- and leaves stuff scattered behind him everywhere he goes)
• Distractability
• Difficulty awaiting turn (he goes MAD in queues)

I've had a dilemma for years because often his behaviour comes across as "entitled" or "narcissistic" to others but genuinely, he has the best heart, always says sorry, and I genuinely have thought "that's just how he is". He gets SUPER distressed in crowds which often comes across as aggression unless I'm there to calm him down. He's over 6 feet and very hairy and "male" but often reminds me of a small child with the chaos and the disorganisation. I don't want to "put him in a box" but it would be - I think- helpful- to realise that all these (very annoying) characteristics are symptoms of neurodiversity, rather than "he's a disorganised, selfish pri**k" which is my default response! Any resources/help/reading material/directions welcome. This is very new to me so apologies if I've offended anyone. I just somehow "know" I'm on to something here with him. Need to add- he's a fully-functional adult with a good job who loves me and the kids to bits and would do anything for us. As he says "I'm good at the big things".

This resonates with me in relation to stuff in my own home.

What's your objective here, is it to help him be more functional in the way that you want / need, or to help you cut him more slack in the areas where he struggles? And what does he want out of it?

The conversation I've had with my due-to-be-assessed teenager is that a diagnosis doesn't change the person - it was there diagnosis or not. But if it helps us understand, and perhaps get other people to understand, then it's a good thing.

You'll still be bearing the bulk of the mental load of organisation and doing.

Do you mind me asking what sort of evidence you provided going back to childhood? My husband is in his 50s - he has nothing from his childhood.

@hotelmotelpremierinn
My DH is mid forties. We found a couple of school certificates praising his efforts at concentrating, a few dismal school projects with comments from teachers.
We also had a very honest conversation with his parents. His Dad sees nothing wrong (but with hindsight is likely also ADHD. For his mum it was a revelation, put all the childhood and teenage struggles in perspective. She was willing to write a letter about his childhood experiences (included visits to psychologists etc but before adhd was really understood).
I also wrote a letter about the challenges he has and went to the first few psych appointments with DH.
Combined with his own statements and several appointments the psych was more than convinced he has adhd (and anxiety which is often comorbid).

Thanks for replying. I wonder what they do if there's nothing from childhood - parents no longer around, no school reports etc

Sort from the anger bit, he sounds like my son who definitely has adhd

He sounds just like me, so yes, quite likely.

I also could’ve written your post, OP, but no diagnosis for my DP as yet, he’s currently at the long end of a 2-4 year waiting list.

Interesting to hear what evidence was accepted with regards to past symptoms, as this is something I’ve wondered. He actually did quite well in school on the face of it, though he struggled and isn’t academically minded at all, he came out with good results, so I’m glad to hear it’s not solely exam results/school report focussed.

For ADHD to be diagnosed the symptoms would have to been present since childhood, if had good support at home/school may have coped but struggled more as an adult when support goes and demands increased.

Psychiatrists do ask questions during your ADHD assessment to ascertain if maybe other conditions, Your also required to fill in long questionnaire about early years, family history, health and experiences along with informant forms of ideally parent/ someone who knew you from childhood as for ADHD to be diagnosed it has to been present by 12. As adults sometimes it's not possible to have parent or relative so have to accept someone that knows you well and own childhood experiences, there is also diagnostic tool they use.

People with ADHD can find coffee/energy drinks have calming effect and even help sleep as has similar effect to stimulant medication though not as effective
https://www.additudemag.com/adhd-caffeine-treatment/

It's not just a label, it's common for adults post diagnosis to feel huge relief that there's an explanation and it's not their fault after all along with grief post diagnosis for the life they may have had if it was known about from young age as by most have to some degree developed self esteem, anxiety & depression issues from trying very hard and still feeling failure, a message often reinforced by others from young age. The lost potential of what they could've achieved in life, ADHDers can be high achievers with classic high flyer jobs doctors, lawyers and make successful entrepreneurs but as they have to work extra hard to achieve this other aspects of their life are often a mess instead, so maybe relationship failures, addictions, mental burnouts.

This is so insightful, and so accurate for me.

@stanfordpuma and @hotelmotelpremierinn if you are going to pursue diagnosis be prepared to get fully involved.
DH and I have joked a lot that the process itself is a huge barrier. It took him 4 goes at referrals (lost letters, out of date letters, open books now closed etc) before I stepped in.

Also in the initial appointments DH struggled to articulate the impact or extent of his struggles because to him it was normal. I had concrete examples lined up to prompt him and was also able to emphasize the impact on his daily life.

There is much info out there about supporting kids with adhd that we have used a lot of it and adapted it for adult use.

Things that have been helpful:
A physical timer (with no other distracting functions) that alarms and he can take around with him.

Snack before and during tasks (glucose for brain function)

Breaking all tasks down into smaller parts and only focusing on 1-3 parts at a time.
Exercise/work at appropriate times (works first thing then exercises later in the day for a bump)

Meds- uses slow release followed by a short release in late afternoon.

Both of us accepting its a real thing so we can talk about if an action is appropriate right now (cleaning out the computer cupboard when our airport transfer is literally waiting outside) or if he might be straying into hyper focus territory (we've had shoes, watches, bikes, triathlons, home automation....)

Me taking full control of the family budget. He has access and oversight but I make the decisions and handle the planning. Also had to restrict access to some accounts so any impulse spending doesn't ruin us (bills, education, savings).

It's a journey for both of you so be patient with yourselves.

I agree. Bang on for me as well.

I'm not feeling very sympathetic right now.
Had chat with husband- he was typically churlish. "I'll go see a shrink, just to make sure you're not gaslighting me. Or that you want a better husband."
Hot, angry tears sprang to my eyes.
I've dealt with all this for a decade. Making my- our- demands on him smaller and smaller and smaller, because he is bog-all use as a husband, a father, a colleague (we run a business together which means I do EVERYTHING and it's a total nightmare).
If he's diagnosed (which he will be) it's- for me- the continuation of a life sentence.
Or he'll go on meds and then (apparently) have a huge revelation and then the next 10 years of my life will be about "him dealing with ADHD and his grief about it."
I have an alcoholic uncle who spent 30 years drinking and has now spent 10 years f**king "talking about not drinking" to anyone who'll listen. I've always said "the main problem with alcoholics is that when they STOP drinking they need EVEN MORE ATTENTION than when they were DRINKING.
I don't think, having spent 10 years dealing with a husband with ADHD, that I have much energy left to deal with his "recovery journey".
(Clue: the inability to "deal with emotions" has left me with some broken bones.)

Only a psychiatrist can diagnose ADHD and you don’t just go and trial a few drugs. There are forms and discussions and you have to be diagnosed in order to get any meds.

My area is one of the fastest in the country but some areas it is years the waiting list.

I take the top amount of one lot of meds + top up on another amphetamine then I have Lions Mane and L tyrosine and Saffron usually washed down with a can of Monster or 3

A sure fire way of diagnosing ADHD Although not to be recommended is what the persons reaction is to taking Cocaine. One girl we know did a line at a party then whilst her friends were off their heads she cleaned her friends flat.
Another a guy who was chatting to my Dd said he once took huge amounts of cocaine and he said the only thing he did was spend the evening redoing his CV and applying for loads of jobs which he managed to get quite a few

stanfordpuma. You might not be at the stage of going for a referral from your doctor but you lease be aware that if you leave by it til you are at that stage you will only then get on the waiting list.

Go now and get on the waiting list.Depending where you are it could be years before he finally gets to see someone

I don’t think that’s diagnostic! I knew loads of people back in the day who would take a bit of MDMA in the daytime to get their housework done, they didn’t all have ADHD

In contrast, I clean my flat at 2 in the morning simply because I came downstairs to go to the loo, remembered the hob needed cleaning and decided to do it there and then before I forgot, then had some time blindness and was still doing some tidying up three hours later

I'd love to know the woman's name on Instagram

My DH has ADHD, I'm autistic and have ADHD, one of my kids is autistic and one has ADHD - the behaviour described in your first post sounds very familiar. Definitely worth testing, though there is a chance it could be something else - my psychologist explained there are a lot of things that can look like ADHD (bipolar and trauma are two I remember can be quite similar).

This is worrying though: "Clue: the inability to "deal with emotions" has left me with some broken bones".
ADHD, or any other diagnosis, is not a reason or an excuse for hurting you. He doesn't have any right to demand that you put up with poor treatment due to his emotional disregulation. You sound like a lovely, caring person, but you don't have to be understanding of him treating you like crap. Sure he might have ADHD, but emotionally disregulated adults can fuck off to do something to calm themselves when they feel their emotions are running high - I've never been abusive to my DH and he's never been abusive to me. There is no diagnosis that excuses him for hurting you, ever.

A key thing to do if you are neurodiverse is to adopt adaptations and ways of living that go well with it. Write stuff down. Set alarms. Use checklists. He’s totally freaked out by crowds? Avoid crowds.

OP your last post is in stark contrast to your first post. Is your husband abusive?

@Crushmonsters Sorry I forgot to come back with that - her handle is itsambercollins_

And I've name changed in case you wonder why I'm replying to someone else's post!

He sounds abusive, adhd or not. I struggle to contain emotions, but have never and would never hurt anyone

Your original list sounds like my daughter who has adhd, she is now 15 though and improving all the time with support, she is not on meds. You dh should have sorted this out a long long time ago and as IhearyouClemFandango has said, his behaviour does sound abusive, adhd (if he has it) is no excuse for it his carry on.

Absolutely no excuse for broken bones.
Pp it's not always possible for an adult with adhd to just sort it out- the very nature of it means they often need support to navigate the pathway.
And a child or teenager improving consistently with support from all those around them is very different to an adult coming to terms with a late diagnosis, having minimal support, and many additional life stressors. This is why undiagnosed adults often start to struggle more later on. The additional demands that come with family life and career can completely derail them.

Most decent psychiatrists will note that meds are only one part of the picture and is only one part of the three legged stool that will help to enable change- meds, life habits/tools and therapy.

OP I can completely understand your reluctance to support further while DH goes through the process. After so many years of minimizing, supporting and putting up with behaviour it is completely normal to want to disengage. There is very little support or acknowledgement for partners and while a diagnosis can make it easier to understand and communicate (sometimes) it does not remove the burden for you.