To think my husband has ADHD?

[stanfordpuma]

10 years of marriage and I love him very much. But happened to see a TikTok last week from an ADHD man that very much described my husband while describing himself. I just thought it was "husband's personality" but now I'm really wondering about ADHD. I think it would help a lot to explain the very frustrating aspects of his personality. He's extremely intelligent and high-functioning but:

• no attention span for non-preferred tasks
• impulsivity
• restlessness
• disorganisation and difficulty prioritising tasks (honestly sometimes I've wondered if he is having me on with the level of chaos)
• poor time management and UTTER time blindness (literally NO concept of time, and again I've come to realise this isn't selfishness or narcissism, just "blindness")
• Frequent mood swings and emotional dysregulation
• CANNOT multitask AT ALL (again have generally thought he was having me on with the lack of ability but it's been 10 years and I've accepted he simply can't)
• Inability to control anger and frustration (absolutely LOST IT in the car today because he'd forgotten his iPods at a meeting- and leaves stuff scattered behind him everywhere he goes)
• Distractability
• Difficulty awaiting turn (he goes MAD in queues)

I've had a dilemma for years because often his behaviour comes across as "entitled" or "narcissistic" to others but genuinely, he has the best heart, always says sorry, and I genuinely have thought "that's just how he is". He gets SUPER distressed in crowds which often comes across as aggression unless I'm there to calm him down. He's over 6 feet and very hairy and "male" but often reminds me of a small child with the chaos and the disorganisation. I don't want to "put him in a box" but it would be - I think- helpful- to realise that all these (very annoying) characteristics are symptoms of neurodiversity, rather than "he's a disorganised, selfish pri**k" which is my default response! Any resources/help/reading material/directions welcome. This is very new to me so apologies if I've offended anyone. I just somehow "know" I'm on to something here with him. Need to add- he's a fully-functional adult with a good job who loves me and the kids to bits and would do anything for us. As he says "I'm good at the big things".

Update on this for anyone who might be interested. Went private, did all the tests and steps and yes he has an ADHD diagnosis. 10 days on the meds (Concerta).
Yes, they are working well. He is more focused at work and able to do things at work better. He had his follow-up consult with his psychiatrist today. Psychiatrist asked him: what does your wife think about the change based on the medication?
Husband: She wouldn't know, really, because I've been at work most of the time.
I think that sums it up- yes, he's feeling better, but he's spent most of the time at work using his new "superpowers" to really "make an impact" at work. Me and the kids have not seen much of an improvement.

There are some funny things. I sat the kids down (8 year old twins) for a "talk". I started with "So sometimes people have something that's a bit different with their brain..."
Twin 1: Mummy we know that Daddy is neurodivergent.
Twin 2: Is it autism or ADHD?
Me: (very surprised) How do you know this?
Twins: Mummy there are posters everywhere in school.

LOVE this 😆

@stanfordpuma that's a big step. We had similar with the meds and work. His peak medicated time was always at work so we still got the distracted, frustrated and exhausted version. Now he takes a long acting in the morning and short acting in the afternoon.
DH also had the issue of burnout. The meds allowed him to be so much more in control, and he was so keen to make up for lost time he was working insane hours and ended up completely burnt out, had to take a week off work, revisit psych, and get some counseling. He still struggles with implemtning boundaries re work but at least now we can talk about it.

Love this. My autistic/ADHD child told me I have ADHD. I've yet to do a thing about it but I hear him 🤷🏻‍♀️

I'm not understanding why posters "love" that my children understood that my husband is neurodivergent. It's like the replies are "celebrating" this.
Yes it's a funny story, but it's black humour. The kids understand because his behaviour is really troubling. For example- even with the meds- we took them to an activity last weekend and (insert explanation here) he grabbed one of them by the throat, told her she was useless, stormed off and went back to work on his laptop.

I feel in a strange position here. Husband is absolutely, categorically, psychiatrically ADHD diagnosis (as I knew).
However - now that we have a diagnosis and meds- I feel I can't speak about the bad things that he does (which, I feel, are either "impulsive ADHD" or "coming to terms with ADHD")
It seems that now I need to speak about him in "hurrah!" terms which is very, very far from what I feel at the moment.
He may have an ADHD diagnosis and be on meds but he's very far from being self-aware. All he's thinking of at the moment is "Ooh look what I can do at work and show off with my multitasking brain!"
Our home life continues to be "me doing everything with a small bit of him being aware of issues".

This is helpful. Thank you.

OP, you made a throwaway comment about broken bones which posters have responded to, but you've ignored. You have then dropped in that your husband grabbed one of your kids by the throat?! People aren't mind readers, people were responding to your anecdote about the twins understanding neurodiversity which seemed like a nice story before you update.
Honestly if he's grabbing your children by the throat, get the hell out of there. That's not ADHD, that's abuse.

Seems like he ticks the boxes.
my husband has it (undiagnosed) he even has a tic that is worse when he stressed or anxious.
he’s had it since he was a child but his mum never took him to the doctors.
he takes citilopram that really helps with calming him down. He runs a successful business and is excellent at keeping together at work but when he comes home he struggles and he cannot queue or multitask.

If he’s grabbing the children by the throat who cares what his diagnosis is he has to go. That’s child abuse!

Aaaaand here comes the "leave him" brigade. It all seems so easy "just leave him". Except when you can't.
@LittleMissUnreasonable I didn't "ignore" the replies to the "broken bones" comment. Of course I didn't. I read every one. I just didn't know what to respond. Do you think it's easy? Do you think it's "kind" or "helpful" to point out that I posted that when I was in distress and then couldn't delete? Mumsnet doesn't allow deletions. Yes he got super-drunk and acted impulsively and I ended up with broken bones - once because he shoved me, the other time I don't want to talk about. That was in 2017 and we had therapy afterwards. Would you like my whole life story? Do you think it's easy typing THIS?
Jesus f*king Christ, only on Mumsnet do you get the fking cross-examination by amateur prosecutors for every f*king thing you say in distress. THAT's why I almost never post here.

Unless you mean something by the comment that he grabbed an 8 year old "by the throat" other than that he actually grabbed an 8 year old "by the throat" this is pretty black and white. You can choose what to accept and overlook for yourself, but you have to protect your children. Have you at least given him an ultimatum that he is never to touch them again.
It is very wearing being the only responsible adult in a family. Hopefully him being on medication will lead to improvements. But for now, you make sure no one can hurt your children. Business or no business, you can't accept this.

I really want to delete this thread, but I can't (Mumsnet rules). So I'm posting my last post on it, and I won't be posting here or checking replies any more.

• Yes, I'm living an absolute nightmare and have been for 10 years. My husband has finally been diagnosed with ADHD. That explains a lot of the behaviour for the past 10 years of our marriage.
• Some of it has been violent- he has self-medicated a LOT with whiskey for the whole of our marriage and sometimes he gets totally out of his head with the drink. I'm beginning to understand that this is because it makes his head have peace. Mostly he just drinks enough to give his head peace. Sometimes he goes overboard and goes literally mental with the drink.
• So anyone saying "oh ADHD people aren't violent" is talking through their a**- MOST adults with unmedicated ADHD are self-medicating themselves up the wazoo with whatever they can get.
• For what it's worth- I was in a proper, abusive, coercive, controlling relationship a long time ago and had a huge amount of therapy to re-wire my brain- so I know the f**king difference, which is why I stay with my husband.
• THIS marriage is not coercive or controlling in any way. It's an ADHD marriage - with the undiagnosed ADHD partner self medicating in a MAJOR way.
• You might consider it abusive because my husband acts out. However it is always spontaneous and not part of a pattern of behaviour that's designed to control/abuse. (I don't quite know why I feel compelled to explain this to a bunch of strangers but whevs).
• Feel free to tell me I'm sticking with a child abuser. Feel free to tell me our kids are going to be irreparably damaged.
• They'd be far MORE damaged if I cut Daddy loose at this point in his ADHD "recovery" and they had to spend half the week with him in some dump with no food and no care when he can't even care for himself. At least if he's under my supervision he can't damage my children.
• My experience hasn't been helped at all by the "but it's abuse" replies. Nobody CARES about domestic abuse, ladies. Nobody wants to know, and there is never a good outcome if you tell anyone. My husband got totally off his face in 2017 and beat me so badly I ended up in hospital (he has no memory of it). I confided in two female friends. They completely abandoned me- never spoke to me again. We were totally ostracised from our social circle. Don't f**king tell me "oh there's support out there". There IS NO SUPPORT. People pull in their skirts, hold their noses, ostracise and ignore. Domestic abuse is "dirty".
• I had no external support, so I got us into couples therapy and we gradually rebuilt our life. Well, apart from the occasional slapping me across the face or grabbing a kid by the throat. But nobody cares in real life about that. Only the tricoteuses on Mumsnet care about that- and their only aim is to "blame the woman for staying".
• I don't CARE what a bunch of strangers think of me on t'internet, but I wish I'd never, ever started this thread. #shouldagonetoreddit

My dh has adhd. Has never raised a hand to me or the children.
You sound like you're living in an awful situation, and are attacking the wrong people here.
He needs to go through his "ADHD recovery" alone until he is fit to be around his children.

Well, apart from the occasional slapping me across the face or grabbing a kid by the throat. But nobody cares in real life about that. Only the tricoteuses on Mumsnet care about that- and their only aim is to "blame the woman for staying".

Social services will care very much about that OP

Everything you said sounds exactly like my DP. He's currently going through an autism diagnosis. It's always driven me absolutely insane that he lacks empathy and gets Si frustrated so easily but it's easier to deal with now that I know he's not just being a dick for the sake of being one.

OP. are you in ireland by any chance. I think from your language patterns you are. I recognise the misogyny you have internally that can be more a historical part of our catholic culture here. It’s disgusting you were treated like that when you looked for help. That’s a reflection on them and not you.

I wish people would drop the empathy trope. The autistic people in my family are by far the more tender hearted and kindest of the lot. Autistic people aren’t robots.

Aside from the violence I can very much relate to this thread.

Diagnosis means fuck all to the partners who are left picking up the pieces. It changes very little about our day to day lives.

It is exhausting being the only functional adult in the house.

I don't know why you're getting angry at me @stanfordpuma . Try getting angry at the man who grabbed your child by the throat and called them useless. Trust me, that's far more damaging than leaving him.
I have ADHD and ASD. This is not ADHD, I manage to be a fully functioning human who doesn't go around being violent. Protect your children.

So you start a post with "so there are some funny things", tell a story, others respond in a similarly light hearted fashion and you jump on them? Very odd.

Support isn't just telling you what you want to hear. I'm sorry your friends were crap when he beat you last time, but him laying a finger on any of your children for whatever reason should be the kick up the arse that you need. You not liking that doesn't make it wrong.

All of this

Honestly, I think half the population have some
level of ADHD.....

I'm sorry it happened to you OP but beating someone black and blue until they are hospitalised is not a symptom of ADHD.

Please try to get some more therapy.