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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I invited?

99 replies

Trig5 · 02/06/2023 08:19

Blatantly posting here for the voting option.

I'm autistic (maybe relevant?) and a couple of colleagues and I were having a conversation at work yesterday.

Before heading back to their desk, one of them mentioned that they were having a bbq on the last weekend of the month.

Once she had gone, another colleague asked if I would be going to the bbq, and I was like, "No, I haven't been invited ". He said that I had literally just been invited by my colleague.

My mind was blown.

In my head, for me to be invited anywhere, I need to be specifically asked and given a date and time to attend. Is this not the case for NT people?

YANBU = I need to be specifically asked to attend an event

YABU = A casual mention of an event is an invitation, and if you weren't invited, it wouldn't be mentioned

OP posts:
Sissynova · 02/06/2023 08:22

It totally depends on the phrasing.

mainsfed · 02/06/2023 08:22

What did she actually say? If she just said I’m having a bbq at the end of the month and didn’t follow up to invite with you, then I would be confused too.

autienotnaughtym · 02/06/2023 08:23

I'm autistic and I've done opposite assumed I was invited 🤦‍♀️

Aprilx · 02/06/2023 08:23

Well I would need to know the specific words. But a colleague simply telling me they were having a barbecue, dinner party or whatever, I would not take as an invitation no.

ApolloandDaphne · 02/06/2023 08:24

Depends. If she said I am doing a big bbq for my family then you aren't invited. If she said I am doing a big bbq for everybody to come then you probably are.

SeeingSpots · 02/06/2023 08:24

It surely depends on exactly what she said.

Random conversation about plans for the summer where she mentions they were hopping to have a BBQ at the end of the month isn't an invitation.

A conversation in which she says she's organising a BBQ at the end of the month it would be great to see you all there let's hope it's sunny etc then you're invited.

Then fact your colleague said you'd all just been invited suggests the latter and that you missed out on some of the subtext.

If it's at the end of the month she will likely sure up the time later on, she was just gauging numbers and of people would attend.

Original poster
Trig5 · 02/06/2023 08:24

mainsfed · 02/06/2023 08:22

What did she actually say? If she just said I’m having a bbq at the end of the month and didn’t follow up to invite with you, then I would be confused too.

It was, "oh, I'm having a bbq on the last Saturday of the month".

OP posts:
AllBlackEverything · 02/06/2023 08:25

Context is the key in this type of scenario - did your colleague say anything at all about how it would be nice to see you outside work / if you'd be free / anything along those lines?

I wouldn't usually think that someone casually mentioning something equals an invitation, but given that your other colleague believes that you were invited, I'd assume that there was something in the context that made them think that way.

Unicorntastic · 02/06/2023 08:26

I’d be thinking the same, I need a clear invite-place date time etc

Aprilx · 02/06/2023 08:26

Trig5 · 02/06/2023 08:24

It was, "oh, I'm having a bbq on the last Saturday of the month".

Show quote history

And what about the context? What were you discussing before she said it?

electriclight · 02/06/2023 08:27

I think it's all in the phrasing. If your NT read it as an open invitation then it probably is. Ask the barbecuer for clarification if you're still worried. As you are open about being ND at work I assume little things like this come up from time to time and your colleagues understand.

Original poster
Trig5 · 02/06/2023 08:28

Aprilx · 02/06/2023 08:26

And what about the context? What were you discussing before she said it?

Show quote history

We were talking about a project we are working on. The bbq was added on as she was walking out of the room.

OP posts:
SeeingSpots · 02/06/2023 08:28

Trig5 · 02/06/2023 08:24

It was, "oh, I'm having a bbq on the last Saturday of the month".

Show quote history

There must have been more though, it's an abrupt way to end a conversation. What did she say before and what did your colleague and others in the conversation say after?

Clipboard007 · 02/06/2023 08:29

That is quite confusing, ask for clarification.

Mustbethewine · 02/06/2023 08:29

Sounds like she was notifying you about the upcoming event she's hosting but hadn't worded it very well.

Aprilx · 02/06/2023 08:30

Trig5 · 02/06/2023 08:28

We were talking about a project we are working on. The bbq was added on as she was walking out of the room.

Show quote history

Well it is very strange then, your colleague is odd. She didn’t say anything like “if you are free” at the end? If that is all she said, I think I would be waiting for her to mention it again.

SeeingSpots · 02/06/2023 08:30

Trig5 · 02/06/2023 08:28

We were talking about a project we are working on. The bbq was added on as she was walking out of the room.

Show quote history

Are you sure she didn't leave saying and don't forget I'm having a bbq at the end of the month otherwise that's a very odd way to end the conversation.

Successstory82 · 02/06/2023 08:30

Do you know the person’s address or even the date of the bbq?

Successstory82 · 02/06/2023 08:31

If you dont know the date or the time or the address…. Assume nothing until you know the above

autienotnaughtym · 02/06/2023 08:33

I agree it's vague. There would need to be a "just letting you know " or similar. I'm having a bbq could mean anything

Fraaahnces · 02/06/2023 08:33

Honestly best not to assume. Does she know that you have autism? Perhaps you could ask her directly without putting her on the spot. Something like, “I hope you don’t mind or feel any obligation, but I just need some clarification. Was your comment about the BBQ an invitation or just a statement that you are having one? I won’t feel bad if I’m not invited, but I also don’t want to offend if I have read you incorrectly.”

gogohmm · 02/06/2023 08:33

It's the sort of casual invitation that nt can misinterpret too, but in a work place setting if a colleague mentions a social event to you in the manner you described, yes its an invitation, you then reply with that sounds good, I'll get the details nearer the time. You then check time, address and anything you can bring the week before

StaySpicy · 02/06/2023 08:37

I would not assume that was invitation (I'm ND too). If you invite someone, surely you say "I'm having a barbecue on x date at 4pm, if you'd like to come."

The way you've written she said it sounds like she was just saying she was busy that weekend or something and giving the reason.

ThisIsntMyUsualUsername · 02/06/2023 08:38

I think if you are invited, then you will be informed of date, time and address so wait and see.
It sounds like a 'heads up' conversation to gauge interest/numbers. If your colleague understood it to be an invitation, I would think it is.

Stoodley · 02/06/2023 08:39

I hate stuff like this OP, I’d have presumed I wasn’t invited too unless it was really clear someone was inviting me. I’m
autistic too and it really stresses me out when I miss the real meaning of things.
a friend recently invited me to dinner, I ask what time do you want me and she replied we’ll eat at 7pm. Does that mean arrive at 7pm, or before? And if before, how soon before?
I arrived 20 mins before and she was still in the shower. Got that one totally wrong. 😫