Was I invited?

[Trig5]

Blatantly posting here for the voting option.

I'm autistic (maybe relevant?) and a couple of colleagues and I were having a conversation at work yesterday.

Before heading back to their desk, one of them mentioned that they were having a bbq on the last weekend of the month.

Once she had gone, another colleague asked if I would be going to the bbq, and I was like, "No, I haven't been invited ". He said that I had literally just been invited by my colleague.

My mind was blown.

In my head, for me to be invited anywhere, I need to be specifically asked and given a date and time to attend. Is this not the case for NT people?

YANBU = I need to be specifically asked to attend an event

YABU = A casual mention of an event is an invitation, and if you weren't invited, it wouldn't be mentioned

colleague did something like this to me when he had a last minute wedding. Said you and DH are invited to my wedding, so I waited for an invitation with details. Nothing forthcoming. When he returned from honeymoon he asked why we hadn’t come, told him we didn’t have time and place, he just shrugged it off! Think some people are more casual about invitations than others.

But that's my point! There almost certainly was context but OP is unable to report it because it was most likely based off social cues that she is unable to parse. So we are viewing it the exact same as her: words with no sense of tone, no body language, no other social cues or indicators. So that's why is sounds strange to us too.

Totally agree, that's how I see it too. And i imagined the same context you are picturing, which makes it come across casual and normal. However we only have OP's interpretation which is obviously quite limited.

Why make a post? Just ask her.

I feel your pain OP. I only recognise an invite if it includes a phrase like 'we'd love to see you, we're having a party on/at'. I once had a conversation with a man who asked me (after finding out I'd started dating my now DH) why I'd never accepted any of his invites. I express surprise, as I'd never thought he'd asked me out, his response was 'you don't know how to listen!'. DH had said 'let's go for dinner - how about Saturday night?'. I understood that!

If you were invited you'd be told their address and postcode, when to arrive, whether to bring anything, parking situation etc. Saying I'm having a bbq isn't an invite, unless it was worded "I'm having a bbq, do you fancy coming?"

If your NT read it as an open invitation then it probably is
God, not necessarily!!

Unless there was a lot more than op has reported, I would have been in two minds as to what her colleague meant as well.

Sneaky.

He couldn’t then be accused of leaving you out if all other colleagues attended

Did your colleague say why they thought it was an invite? Does not sound like one to me, based on your description.

I would presume not if she didn't give you date, time, venue etc. I would wait until it's mentioned again.

YANBU. If someone mentioned they were going on holiday I wouldn't assume I was invited to that either.

Depends on the intonation

In which case she was inviting you both. The only reason to bring it up as she’s leaving is to tell you to keep the date free because you are invited to her BBQ.

If she mentioned it in a conversation about plans for the coming month, that’s not an invitation. But she didn’t. She specifically told you- a propos of nothing else - she is having a BBQ so you would be invited.

I’m autistic and I would never have read this as an invitation.

I need confirmed specifics for me to see this as an invitation.

I would have been unsure if I was invited or not. I suppose she’ll follow up with more info if you are

For me, I would have said with a laugh 'that sounds nice, was that an invitation?'. You would have a definitive answer either way then!

That hadn’t occurred to me!😮

I would take it as a sort of 'save the date', exact details to follow later. If you weren't invited she wouldn't have mentioned it all.

Usually folk would say I'm having a barbecue and you're welcome to come or something like that. Not surprising you aren't sure as it wasn't very clear. I wouldn't turn up based on that. You don't even know the date or whether its afternoon or evening or her address

She could be having a bbq with her family, so I don't know why your colleagues assume they're invited. Unless she regularly has a bbq for work colleagues and was telling them when the next one is?

This can't be what happened.

You: so we'll get those figures for you by Thursday.

Her: Perfect. Just in time for Fridays meeting. Let's meet at 9 to review the slide deck. Okay, heading to my next meeting! (Turns around and exits room.) I am hosting a barbecue on the last Saturday of the month.

It literally could not have happened that way. She must have been facing you, your co-worker must have reacted, etc.

However to be fair if someone mentioned this to me but didn't provide an address or a time, I would think it wasn't a genuine invitation.

I wouldn’t take it as an invite and I definitely wouldn’t ask because I would feel like a desperate weirdo if the response was of course not! I would just wait to see if I was given more info and if not then I wouldn’t go.

I'm not autistic and took that to mean she's literally having a bbq, and I'm not invited. For someone to invite me, they'd have to say, "you're welcome to come" or" I'll send you the details". You were right, you're not invited. Anyway better to assume you're not, otherwise that's embarrassing.

I suspect that I'm ND, and see this as a save the date. End of the month is loose and it could be that it depends on weather etc. I'm assuming if it goes ahead details will follow and your likely to be invited, if you weren't I don't think she would address the whole room. There are barbecues and barbecues afterall. Some are informal, I'd ask the colleague who said you are invited to keep me in the loop!

This sounds like a breezy “put the date in your diary”. I would wait for colleague to come back with an actual invite.