Was I invited?

[Trig5]

Blatantly posting here for the voting option.

I'm autistic (maybe relevant?) and a couple of colleagues and I were having a conversation at work yesterday.

Before heading back to their desk, one of them mentioned that they were having a bbq on the last weekend of the month.

Once she had gone, another colleague asked if I would be going to the bbq, and I was like, "No, I haven't been invited ". He said that I had literally just been invited by my colleague.

My mind was blown.

In my head, for me to be invited anywhere, I need to be specifically asked and given a date and time to attend. Is this not the case for NT people?

YANBU = I need to be specifically asked to attend an event

YABU = A casual mention of an event is an invitation, and if you weren't invited, it wouldn't be mentioned

Do you know the addresses of all your colleagues?

and a weekend could either be Saturday or Sunday

I'm ND but I wouldn't take anything to be an invitation unless I was spoken to directly and specifically invited by the host or by the host saying something like 'its for all colleagues, or all of our team' or something that includes me specifically and the venue, time and date was included. I am rarely invited to anything and events are organised around me all the time so I would want to avoid the mistake of assuming I was invited.

I'm actually finding this thread really fascinating. It's actually not possible for us to tell if OP was invited or not from the information provided because we don't have the context around social cues that she is also missing. Her colleague did have that information and concluded they were both invited from what took place. Therefore I think the best guess is that yes OP is invited and the comment was made in such a way that it was clear to a NT person that it was an early invitation or heads up because of the inviter's use of tone, body language and other non-verbal indicators.

I can definitely say I'm having a barbecue at the end of the month in a way that would make people believe they were invited. I can also say the same thing in a way that doesn't. That's why it's so difficult when we just have the words, and as I've realised why it's so difficult for people with autism when they don't have all the other context we rely on.

It's kind of a save the date without the exact date to me rather than an invitation. I'm not autistic but agree that for it to be an invitation I'd need specifics.

Are they aware you are autistic?
If so then I would ask them nicely if they would be more specific and explain your difficulty with ambiguity.

I'm not autistic, and I would have found that ambiguous too.

I know the town they live in and that's enough for a save the date thing, yes. Whenever work friends have done barbecues before they've usually sent around a message a few days before with exact address and timing, but we've known about it for a couple of weeks before.

The colleague asks the op if she’s going to a bbq that she doesn’t know the date of (could be Saturday or Sunday)

and we have no idea whether the op knows where her colleague lives. Certainly sounds like she hasn’t been there before

Surely it would have been stranger if colleague had said 'Oh I'm having a barbecue at the end of the month. Last Saturday. My address is XX, postcode is X and it will run from 1pm-5' in a casual conversation.

The conversation floats the idea of the barbecue, let's people know the day, and then she will most likely send round an email or WhatsApp or whatever with her address/exact timing closer to the day.

I'm actually quite surprised at how many people seem unaware that this happens! I'd almost say this is the more common way to be invited to something in my friends circle: you tend to know the day something is happening but an official invitation comes a bit later

She was told last Saturday of the month. And I'm going to hazard a guess that most people know what city or town their colleagues they talk to every day live in roughly.

It depends who said it and your relationship. Have you met socially before.

With my close group of friends someone might drop 'drinks at mine on 17th', that would be it but I'd assume it's a save the date and they'll get back to me.

With work colleagues I'd be more specific - bbq at mine on 27th, call in if you're free'. Then more info closer to time.

Still

Without knowing whether the op knew where the colleague lived or could be she’s from her nor whether lunch or evening… it would be daft to ask someone if they were going

It's not strange at all. In my experience the conversation would go

Work information
Boring data figures etc
Ending with I'm having a bbq at the end of the month I'll give you more info nearer the time.

That way it makes it clear it's an invite. The OP says the conversation instead went

Work information
Boring data figures etc
Ending with I'm having a bbq at the end of the month.

That's a weird way to tack on an invite and walking away without any other context is bizzare.

I’m same as you, unless someone specifically says you’re invited I always presume I’m not. I always think people don’t like me though, which is probably why I think like that.

But that's my point! There almost certainly was context but OP is unable to report it because it was most likely based off social cues that she is unable to parse. So we are viewing it the exact same as her: words with no sense of tone, no body language, no other social cues or indicators. So that's why is sounds strange to us too.

Another important piece of context to consider - how long has OP worked at this company? It may be that BBQ woman has been there longer and her social events are legendary. Her colleagues may know from experience that when she says she's having a BBQ she always invites everyone from work.

For example, if I was walking out the room after a conversation and then spun around and said 'Oh, I'm having a barbecue at the end of the month! Last Saturday!' in a certain tone and with certain facial cues then it is very clear (to me) that it's because those people are going to be invited that I've said it in the first place.

The fact OP's presumably NT colleague picked up on it suggests that those cues were present and clear, but OP just can't read them so has to rely on the words themselves, which are ambiguous without any further context to them.

And as OP said, we are viewing the colleague's comments just as she did, which is why I think our initial reaction is that they are bizarre or strange. That's what OP feels because she too is dealing with just that one sentence. But if we were there and saw all the other stuff that accompanied it, without even being aware of it we probably would have understood. That's the difference.

But even with other social clues as a NT I'd find it odd for my colleague to randomly mention a BBQ with no other context at the end of a conversation which had been about work stuff.

Surely even with other clues most people wouldn't just say I'm having a bbq and then walk away. They would say oh and heads up I will be having a bbq.

Even with other social clues it's such an oddly phrased sentence.

You have misunderstood me

op - not odd
inviter - not odd

colleague asking if op going when such scant detail provided - odd

Oh I understood. I don't think it was odd at all. In colleague's eyes they'd just been both invited to an event on a particular day. It's an entirely normal evolution of the conversation to ask if they're going.

Depends whether lunch or dinner
whether straightforward to get to
and seeing as only invited a minute ago… not had a chance to look at my diary!

This is an excellent thread though. It's really made me think about how much non-verbal communication matters to our understanding in social situations and how utterly confusing some things must be when you're unable to pick up on those things.

I would have said exactly what Hugasaurus has said. It would have been a completely meaningless random statement had it NOT been intended as an invitation. The OPs colleague was present and recognised that, presumably from the way in which it was delivered. OP I think it is safe to conclude that it was directed at the people to whom she’d been speaking. But you could check with her, or with one of the other people present.

I’d take your colleagues interpretation but lay low with it until more details follow. I wouldn’t be telling people until I know for certain.

If she often does BBQs and invites people, I'd assume that's an invite. But I'd double check with her for details etc to confirm. It was a weird phrasing though, definitely not a clear invite. I'm NT and wouldn't think it was a direct invite.

How did everyone else respond? That will be a good clue. I think you are invited.