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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I invited?

99 replies

Trig5 · 02/06/2023 08:19

Blatantly posting here for the voting option.

I'm autistic (maybe relevant?) and a couple of colleagues and I were having a conversation at work yesterday.

Before heading back to their desk, one of them mentioned that they were having a bbq on the last weekend of the month.

Once she had gone, another colleague asked if I would be going to the bbq, and I was like, "No, I haven't been invited ". He said that I had literally just been invited by my colleague.

My mind was blown.

In my head, for me to be invited anywhere, I need to be specifically asked and given a date and time to attend. Is this not the case for NT people?

YANBU = I need to be specifically asked to attend an event

YABU = A casual mention of an event is an invitation, and if you weren't invited, it wouldn't be mentioned

OP posts:
Sissynova · 02/06/2023 08:39

If you're talking about something else and then as they are leaving someone addresses the group and says 'oh by the way remember I'm having a BBQ at the end of the month!' its an obvious invite to the group

TakeMyStrongHand · 02/06/2023 08:39

Oh I'm having a bbq is similar to oh I've just purchased a new pair of shoes. It's kind of irrelevant information if it's not followed by "if you'd like to come", "if you're free" or even better, "would you like to come".

Successstory82 · 02/06/2023 08:40

If you don’t know

the date

the time

the venue

of this bbq or indeed any event… safe to presume not

sausage767 · 02/06/2023 08:40

If you were just casually discussing your respective plans, I’d say not. Eg you ask ‘what are you up to on the weekend?’

But if was just out of the blue, I’d say it was an invite, or a save the date. Why else would she have just thrown it into the conversation like that.

RightWhereYouLeftMe · 02/06/2023 08:41

I think with this one it doesn't really matter because if you are invited, further details will have to follow. She's told you the date (last Saturday of the month) but you need a time, and possibly an address if you don't know it already.

When she said it, did she wait for a response, did your colleague respond?

CharlottenBurger · 02/06/2023 08:44

Neurotypical (as far as I know) here. Considering that going to a barbecue or any other hosted thing at the weekend would need me and my husband to alter what we would normally be doing on that weekend, and probably purchase things to contribute, mention that we are veggie, etc, I'd want an actual explicit invitation, (e.g. 'are you coming, Charlie?' and even if one was made verbally at the time, I'd say 'I'll see if DH agrees'.

Hugasauras · 02/06/2023 08:45

RightWhereYouLeftMe · 02/06/2023 08:41

I think with this one it doesn't really matter because if you are invited, further details will have to follow. She's told you the date (last Saturday of the month) but you need a time, and possibly an address if you don't know it already.

When she said it, did she wait for a response, did your colleague respond?

Yes, if it was an invitation then further info will follow. But honestly OP it's impossible for us to say without being there. Presumably she's mentioning it because it's been spoken about previously. People don't generally just go 'Okay let's email each other a summary of how the meeting went. I'm having a barbecue at the end of month.' and leave. It's either a continuation of a previous conversation in a 'Remember, I'm having a barbecue at the end of the month!' kind of way or there was further context to it.

Hugasauras · 02/06/2023 08:48

And yes it's more like a 'save the date' thing at this point. At some point she will give more info.

IWantToVote · 02/06/2023 08:48

I'm not autistic but I'd have wanted clarification. I'd have said at the time 'Is that an invite then?'

Hugasauras · 02/06/2023 08:53

Oh and tone matters a lot too. If she turned back at the end and said 'Oh by the way, I'm having a barbecue at the end of the month! Second last Saturday!' then that would be her telling you because you were invited, because there's no reason to give that information otherwise.

Bbqshowdownusa · 02/06/2023 08:55

I’m going to presume your colleague who was also with you heard the conversation and understood it was an invite. Even if it was phrased a different way to what you are used to.

If he said you are invited, that’s what she just done I would presume you are invited.

it sounds like a casual save the date thing really and further details will be said closer to the time.

SparklyBlackKitten · 02/06/2023 08:55

If someone told me "oh im having BBQ at the end of the month" in no way I would think I was invited to that BBQ 🤣🤣

Hugasauras · 02/06/2023 08:58

This has made me realise how difficult this stuff must be for people with autism actually. It's hard to articulate but if you're NT you can often just 'know' what someone means just based on small social clues, demeanour, tone of voice, body language. That's obviously what your colleague got from it, most likely based off more than the actual words.

Original poster
Trig5 · 02/06/2023 09:02

Hugasauras · 02/06/2023 08:58

This has made me realise how difficult this stuff must be for people with autism actually. It's hard to articulate but if you're NT you can often just 'know' what someone means just based on small social clues, demeanour, tone of voice, body language. That's obviously what your colleague got from it, most likely based off more than the actual words.

Very much this.

Its also made me realise that my wording of the "invite" obviously misses a lot of the social cues of being there, which will probably give the NT people reading the thread a similar experience of how I would have interpreted the "invite".

OP posts:
Successstory82 · 02/06/2023 09:03

Take your autism out of the equation

you don’t know the date or time or venue… correct?

TooJoy · 02/06/2023 09:04

YANBU

You definitely weren’t invited as it would have been followed up with …if you want to come along or the time etc.

Hugasauras · 02/06/2023 09:05

Trig5 · 02/06/2023 09:02

Very much this.

Its also made me realise that my wording of the "invite" obviously misses a lot of the social cues of being there, which will probably give the NT people reading the thread a similar experience of how I would have interpreted the "invite".

Show quote history

That's a really interesting point, because a few people have commented on the oddness of what your colleague said, but they are viewing it just as you did: the actual words with no other context. When if they had been there, and picked up on the tone, the way it fitted into the conversation, body language, it would have sounded totally normal and made sense to them. Fascinating!

MrFlibblesEyes · 02/06/2023 09:05

You can say the exact same sentence and mean two different things purely using the inflection in different places! A rising inflection at the end of a sentence can change pretty much anything into a question!

TooJoy · 02/06/2023 09:07

Hugasauras · 02/06/2023 08:48

And yes it's more like a 'save the date' thing at this point. At some point she will give more info.

Yes it’s very possible that it’s this.

So she’s giving you a heads up letting you know it’s going to happen but she doesn’t know the finer details yet so she’ll invite you properly once she does.

Your colleague has probably spoken to her about it previously and knows she’s planning on inviting you both which is why they asked if you were going.

Sissynova · 02/06/2023 09:09

Successstory82 · 02/06/2023 09:03

Take your autism out of the equation

you don’t know the date or time or venue… correct?

It's a full month away. OP will likely see this person up to 20 times between now and the event since they work together.

CaroleSinger · 02/06/2023 09:10

To be fair I probably wouldn't have taken that as an invite either. Too vague and ambiguous.

Successstory82 · 02/06/2023 09:11

Sissynova · 02/06/2023 09:09

It's a full month away. OP will likely see this person up to 20 times between now and the event since they work together.

Show quote history

Yup
so if she doesn’t know the date time or venue, then her colleague asking if she was going was being utterly daft!!

CindersAgain · 02/06/2023 09:11

I’d take that as a heads up to keep it free, unless you work weekends and she’s telling you she can’t work that day.

Hugasauras · 02/06/2023 09:13

Successstory82 · 02/06/2023 09:11

Yup
so if she doesn’t know the date time or venue, then her colleague asking if she was going was being utterly daft!!

Show quote history

She knows the day and the location (colleague's home) though. It's quite common to get an exact time closer to the occasion!

Navalcaptain · 02/06/2023 09:14

You weren’t invited