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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Time to myself

82 replies

HelloItsMeAgainHello · 01/06/2023 21:59

I have a dd1 and I've just returned to work after mat leave working 3 days a week 8.30-5.30. My partner has currently been going to the gym on 4 nights after work and getting home around 5.30.

Now I'm back at work he is still going to the gym 4 days (2 on the days I'm not working and 2 on the days I am) he is unable to go on the Monday due to how child care is set up for me working.

This means that I have no time to myself in the week as days I working I don't get home until 6.30 and by the time my partner gets home it's bed and bath time for the baby who is still breastfed.

I have asked for him to drop going to the gym to 3 nights a week (1 night on the day I'm not working and 2 on the days I'm working). He thinks this is unreasonable and I should just go have me time on days after work or after he comes home from the gym.

I don't think it's unreasonable for me to want 1 evening when he gets to have 3. He argues that we agreed he could still do 4 days after the baby was born. However at that time we was working on the assumption I would only be working 2 days (so 2 days of childcare that dh could go to the gym after he finished work). However due to cost of living I've had to return 3 and on that day we have childcare that he needs to pick up directly from work.

Who is being unreasonable?

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 01/06/2023 22:01

What do you want to do, go to the gym in the evening as well ?

Gymmum82 · 01/06/2023 22:03

Can’t you alternate mornings/evenings if you both want to go? That’s what we have to do here. I go 5 days a week. He goes 6 days. So we share

Sissynova · 01/06/2023 22:04

I don't think it's unreasonable for me to want 1 evening when he gets to have 3.

Why are the evenings he isn’t at the gym not available to you?
If your partner is getting home at 5:30 from the gym it’s hardly massively cutting into the evening.
It seems like it’s entirely possible for you to both have the time to do things for yourself.

TeaKitten · 01/06/2023 22:05

I don't think it's unreasonable for me to want 1 evening when he gets to have 3

But there are 7 days in the week not 3 or 4 so why can’t you have a day regardless of wether be drops to 3 or not?

PaigeMatthews · 01/06/2023 22:09

If he is at the gym until 5.30, how is he not getting home until baby’s bedtime?

you go to the gym the other three evenings.

Notimeforaname · 01/06/2023 22:10

There are more days in the week. Hes home at 5.30, you at 6.30 on work days so hes home early enough. On your non work day, go out when he gets home ? Or do whatever you want to do.

Original poster
HelloItsMeAgainHello · 01/06/2023 22:12

To answer some questions he goes to work at 4.30am and his gym neither is the swimming pool for me to swim open before so not possible to do it before work.

He wants Saturday and Sunday to be family days. And already pretty busy. So it has to be Monday to Friday.

He currently goes to the gym Tue-Friday. On Monday he can't go as childcare he needs to pick the baby up as soon as he finishes work. By the time he finishes at the gym and gets home it's around 5.30ish.

Baby is still breastfeed and he is breastfeed to sleep at night and bed time is around 6.30-7. So I have to be home for then.

So I want him to not go to the gym on a Friday so I can go and do some swimming and some sauna and actually get enough time. When he goes to the gym he goes for around 2 hours I would like around this amount of time too.

He thinks I should suck it up go on the Monday at 5.30isb and then be back home for bedtime. But I feel that this is unfair

OP posts:
TeaKitten · 01/06/2023 22:15

Then just go on the weekend if he won’t compromise through the week, he might want family time but he can’t have it all.

TheEverdelightfulsamantha · 01/06/2023 22:16

If he is home at 5:30 after having been to the gym, and you aren’t home until 6:30pm, I’m not sure why it’s a problem?

maybe break down the timings for us so we understand?

so Monday, DH finishes work at what time? Goes to the gym and then picks up the baby? Then you get home at 6:30pm?

the other two days that you work, who picks the baby?

Can you go to the gym (or have your own time) at the weekend and on the remaining week day?

If the gym is done by 5:30pm and DH is home to help with dinner, bath and bed, then you could go out after dinner?

Sissynova · 01/06/2023 22:17

But the days you are working it doesn’t affect you? If he didn’t go to the gym you still couldn’t go early as you don’t finish until 5:30 and want to be home to breastfeed at bedtime.

He thinks I should suck it up go on the Monday at 5.30isb and then be back home for bedtime. But I feel that this is unfair

Why is it unfair? It makes logical sense. He is already picking DC up, so you go to the gym after work and the go home for bedtime.

You can go on the weekend as well, you are choosing not to. It’s your decision not your partners.

Plus if your baby is in bed by 6:30/7 you could easily go to the gym or a class after.

It seems like you’re being difficult to prove some sort of point with your partner here.

ShandaLear · 01/06/2023 22:19

I don’t think he’s being unreasonable. He’s back at 5.30. That’s pretty early. Is there any reason you can’t go about 8pm once DD is asleep?

Original poster
HelloItsMeAgainHello · 01/06/2023 22:22

To break it down

Monday - I work and get home at 6.30
Dh works and has to pick the baby at 3
I feed baby to bed at around 6.30-7

Tuesday - I work and get home at 6.30
Dh goes to the gym for 2 hours picks up baby gets home at around 6
I feed baby to bed at around 6.30 7

Wednesdays - I work and get home at 6.30
Dh goes to the gym for 2 hours picks baby up hets home at around 6
I feed baby to bed around 6.30 - 7

Thursday - I stay at home with baby
Dh goes to gym for 2 hours gets home around 5.30ish
I feed baby to bed around 6.30-7

Friday - I stay at home with baby
Dh goes to gym for 2 hours gets home around 5.30ish
I feed baby to bed around 6.30-7

Dh says I can go on Friday when he gets home. So I would get an hour at most. If he came home after work I could go much earlier at around 3.30 so I could also get a decent amount of time and there is also a class during this time I would like to take

OP posts:
Original poster
HelloItsMeAgainHello · 01/06/2023 22:24

And about going out after my dc is going through a phase of 5am wake ups so after bedtime and me having dinner I'm so exhausted I wouldn't have energy which may be in part me being unreasonable

OP posts:
TeaKitten · 01/06/2023 22:26

Again, go at the weekend. Still 7 days in a week

Original poster
HelloItsMeAgainHello · 01/06/2023 22:27

Dh is really against the weekends. Saturday we do a family day. On Sunday he does a sport in the morning and then we try to visit grandparents in the afternoon

OP posts:
TeaKitten · 01/06/2023 22:29

Yeah but he doesn’t want to reduce his gym days so you go anyway. He does something for him, you do something for you.

Sissynova · 01/06/2023 22:29

But it just seems easy to go on a Monday and a Friday but only for an hour? No one needs 2 hours at the gym!
It doesn’t really matter if that’s what your partner does, you’re still at work for half of the days so it’s irrelevant.
You could easily go on a Monday, a Friday and then have a leisurely trip on Saturday or Sunday morning. You’re being unnecessarily difficult by claiming the only day you can possibly go to the gym is a Friday.

It would be different if it felt like your partner wasn’t facilitating you doing anything but it doesn’t seem like that’s the case. You’re just finding problems with the options.
If you’re tired and waking up at 5 every day then even more reason for 2 nights of just a quick gym session.

Sissynova · 01/06/2023 22:30

Dh is really against the weekends

You’re being ridiculous. He doesn’t get to be against you going to the gym on a weekend.
You just do it.

Original poster
HelloItsMeAgainHello · 01/06/2023 22:31

Also just to reiterate i don't want to go to the gym! I do sometimes want to do swimming and there is an aqua class on the Friday I would be interested in and the sauna. But also the time would be for things such as hair cuts, nails etc just general me time

OP posts:
Original poster
HelloItsMeAgainHello · 01/06/2023 22:33

That is what I think is part of the problem. If I wanted to go to the gym I think he would be more receptive

OP posts:
Jellos · 01/06/2023 22:33

Can you take a longer lunch break and go at lunch time, finishing later?

Cant you leave some milk in a bottle for your baby so your partner can feed or switch to formula if you’re that bothered?

Alternatively go at the weekend? Doesn’t matter if your partner likes to keep the weekend for family, he can sod off if he’s not helping you to go to the gym during the week. He sounds quite selfish to me.

Jellos · 01/06/2023 22:34

You can easily schedule your ‘me time’ for a Saturday morning if you book appointments in advance.

Thehippowife · 01/06/2023 22:35

He either drops the Friday or you go at weekends. End of . His choice.

TeaKitten · 01/06/2023 22:36

HelloItsMeAgainHello · 01/06/2023 22:33

That is what I think is part of the problem. If I wanted to go to the gym I think he would be more receptive

This makes you that bit more unreasonable, you want him to give up the gym one night a week
so you can just be alone for 2 hours rather than 1 while your child is awake. You don’t have a plan to go the the gym or anything specific… you just want him to give up his activity so you can do nothing in particular at that time, when you could do that for an hour, or when DC is in bed.

Original poster
HelloItsMeAgainHello · 01/06/2023 22:36

Unfortunately we have set working times so no longer lunch break

OP posts: