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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Time to myself

82 replies

HelloItsMeAgainHello · 01/06/2023 21:59

I have a dd1 and I've just returned to work after mat leave working 3 days a week 8.30-5.30. My partner has currently been going to the gym on 4 nights after work and getting home around 5.30.

Now I'm back at work he is still going to the gym 4 days (2 on the days I'm not working and 2 on the days I am) he is unable to go on the Monday due to how child care is set up for me working.

This means that I have no time to myself in the week as days I working I don't get home until 6.30 and by the time my partner gets home it's bed and bath time for the baby who is still breastfed.

I have asked for him to drop going to the gym to 3 nights a week (1 night on the day I'm not working and 2 on the days I'm working). He thinks this is unreasonable and I should just go have me time on days after work or after he comes home from the gym.

I don't think it's unreasonable for me to want 1 evening when he gets to have 3. He argues that we agreed he could still do 4 days after the baby was born. However at that time we was working on the assumption I would only be working 2 days (so 2 days of childcare that dh could go to the gym after he finished work). However due to cost of living I've had to return 3 and on that day we have childcare that he needs to pick up directly from work.

Who is being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Sissynova · 01/06/2023 22:36

HelloItsMeAgainHello · 01/06/2023 22:31

Also just to reiterate i don't want to go to the gym! I do sometimes want to do swimming and there is an aqua class on the Friday I would be interested in and the sauna. But also the time would be for things such as hair cuts, nails etc just general me time

Just book your hair or nails on a weekend. Most people don’t find the time to do things like that in the week because they are working or looking after children.
It honestly still just seems like you’re finding problems.
Go for a swim and a sauna on Monday, book your nails for Saturday morning.

It sounds like really the problem with your schedule is breastfeeding at bedtime, no matter what you need to be home by 6:30 and then you don’t want to do anything later than that. You’ll just have to roll with it as long as your BF though.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 01/06/2023 22:37

I think you should express milk and let him do the Friday feed.
And also go for swim/sauna on Sunday evening

Original poster
HelloItsMeAgainHello · 01/06/2023 22:38

I would happy to give up the breastfeeding now baby is 1. Baby does not want to give up and refuses bottles. He will drink small cups of milk reluctantly. But partner is very pro continuing

OP posts:
Sissynova · 01/06/2023 22:39

HelloItsMeAgainHello · 01/06/2023 22:38

I would happy to give up the breastfeeding now baby is 1. Baby does not want to give up and refuses bottles. He will drink small cups of milk reluctantly. But partner is very pro continuing

It’s up to you. A 1 year old doesn’t need a bottle at bedtime if you decide to stop breastfeeding anyway.

mynameiscalypso · 01/06/2023 22:40

Thehippowife · 01/06/2023 22:35

He either drops the Friday or you go at weekends. End of . His choice.

This. Now you've broken down your schedule, it's a bit shit for you. I personally would override him and go at the weekend.

NaNaNaNaNaNaBaNaNa · 01/06/2023 22:40

Fathers never seem to have to make compromises to their routines, do they? All of the compromises have to be made by mums. 🙄

OP, I think he could give you one afternoon. He's being selfish. He could go early in the morning on the weekend while you are recovering from being up in the night with the baby. He could go at bedtime one night a week while you are feeding his child.

But of course not, heaven forbid he make a single sacrifice.

PaigeMatthews · 01/06/2023 22:41

Jellos · 01/06/2023 22:33

Can you take a longer lunch break and go at lunch time, finishing later?

Cant you leave some milk in a bottle for your baby so your partner can feed or switch to formula if you’re that bothered?

Alternatively go at the weekend? Doesn’t matter if your partner likes to keep the weekend for family, he can sod off if he’s not helping you to go to the gym during the week. He sounds quite selfish to me.

I suggest you express and leave the house pn a friday. He can deal with the baby. The baby will get used to it. Or just stop feeding to sleep when boob is unavailable.

id also say since he is so against any sort of compromise that allows you to have free time, especially since he isnt that against weekend as he has a sport on a sunday, he takes the baby to grandparents on a sunday afternoon and you do you then as well.

and obviously if you need a hair appointment or nail appointment book them. If he refuses to compromise you have a bigger problem. You have a controlling partner.

Original poster
HelloItsMeAgainHello · 01/06/2023 22:41

Ok from the majority I accept I'm unreasonable. I will be happy with the hour on the Friday! And try and convince him to maybe allow some time on the Sunday evening. But he normally likes me to have the baby so he can wind down before a week at work

Thanks all!

OP posts:
PaigeMatthews · 01/06/2023 22:42

HelloItsMeAgainHello · 01/06/2023 22:38

I would happy to give up the breastfeeding now baby is 1. Baby does not want to give up and refuses bottles. He will drink small cups of milk reluctantly. But partner is very pro continuing

Of course he is. Breastfeeding controls you.

PaigeMatthews · 01/06/2023 22:43

HelloItsMeAgainHello · 01/06/2023 22:41

Ok from the majority I accept I'm unreasonable. I will be happy with the hour on the Friday! And try and convince him to maybe allow some time on the Sunday evening. But he normally likes me to have the baby so he can wind down before a week at work

Thanks all!

Im now 100% convinced this is a wind up thread.

you are describing a very, very controlling husband.

convince him to allow you some time?
allow you?

ffs!

Sissynova · 01/06/2023 22:43

HelloItsMeAgainHello · 01/06/2023 22:41

Ok from the majority I accept I'm unreasonable. I will be happy with the hour on the Friday! And try and convince him to maybe allow some time on the Sunday evening. But he normally likes me to have the baby so he can wind down before a week at work

Thanks all!

Stop making yourself a martyr. Literally no one has said you should be happy with one hour to yourself but if you’re going to let your partner dictate that you can’t do anything on the weekend that’s on you.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 01/06/2023 22:44

Don't you deserve some wind down time before work too?

Sissynova · 01/06/2023 22:44

PaigeMatthews · 01/06/2023 22:43

Im now 100% convinced this is a wind up thread.

you are describing a very, very controlling husband.

convince him to allow you some time?
allow you?

ffs!

Show quote history

Agree, it’s going too far now Imo.

mynameiscalypso · 01/06/2023 22:44

HelloItsMeAgainHello · 01/06/2023 22:41

Ok from the majority I accept I'm unreasonable. I will be happy with the hour on the Friday! And try and convince him to maybe allow some time on the Sunday evening. But he normally likes me to have the baby so he can wind down before a week at work

Thanks all!

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all and I think the people who think you are maybe haven't read your later post where you set it I it very clearly. For what it's worth, your DH sounds like a bit of a selfish arse. It's all about what he wants not what is best for the family. I also don't think anyone other than the mother of a baby should get a say in how they're fed when it comes to BF.

TeaKitten · 01/06/2023 22:49

HelloItsMeAgainHello · 01/06/2023 22:41

Ok from the majority I accept I'm unreasonable. I will be happy with the hour on the Friday! And try and convince him to maybe allow some time on the Sunday evening. But he normally likes me to have the baby so he can wind down before a week at work

Thanks all!

You are over egging it a bit with all your drips.

nutbrownhare15 · 01/06/2023 22:50

If it has to be Monday to Friday for gym/spare time, currently he gets 8 hours and you get naff all. But apparently family time on the weekend only counts when he isn't doing his sport which is more leisure time for him that you don't get alongside the having to have the baby on Sunday night so he can chill. He wants you to carry on bf but also presumably expects you to go after baby's bedtime or make do with an hour on Friday. I would be telling him I am going on a Friday and that 3x 2 hour gym sessions per week for the parent of a baby is a heck of a lot and he should be grateful to get that. He sounds very controlling OP and I think you've been given an unwarranted hard time on this thread. Tot up the leisure time you both get. You get scraps. Time to shift the balance towards equal leisure time.

ReadtheReviews · 01/06/2023 23:13

So he dictates you continue bf which keeps you chained to being back at 6.30. He doesn't want you to do anything on your own at weekends but he goes off to do a sport. He won't give up his two hour gym session on Friday but suggests 1 hour is fine for you, which is really.nothing if you factor in showering and changing and getting to gym. If 1 hour is enough, how about he does one hour and gets back an hour earlier so you can actually have a bit longer?
But anyway, he sounds like a controlling ass.

RhosynBach · 01/06/2023 23:21

You’re being ridiculous letting your husband dictate what shall happen. He wants family time at weekends but also does a sport and wants time to wind down?
just say - I’m going to the gym now, here is baby- and go on a Saturday morning. And if you don’t want to breastfeed anymore, inform husband that you aren’t breastfeeding anymore. End of discussion. Husband is probably keen on you continuing to get himself out of bedtime duties. In all honestly he sounds like a controlling arse but you are letting him do it.

Cornishclio · 01/06/2023 23:35

So your partner is pro you breastfeeding a one year old, anti you using the weekend for some personal time even though he does a sport but also doesn't want to give up one of his 4 gym evenings? I am afraid I would not put up with that. Either drop the breastfeeding or express so he can give the baby a feed on one of the evenings he doesn't go to the gym or carve out some weekend time. He doesn't get to call all the shots.

Original poster
HelloItsMeAgainHello · 01/06/2023 23:35

To be fair to him he does work long hours at a hard job. And regarding the breastfeeding we had such difficulty in the beginning with a tongue tie, awful latch, a hematoma causing jaundice and weight loss. It was causing me such post partum anxiety as I was so fixated on breastfeeding. I think he feels I tried so hard and now we are at the easy stage and the baby loves the boob.

We did talk and I cried a bit and for him it's the not having a set thing to do as me time that seems to be the problem. To him he wants to go on those days at those times as he has friends that also go.

We have reached a compromise and I get a Friday! He is going to go to the gym that night after I return, bed and dinner is done.

Also I feel I may of portrayed him badly as I was upset and frustrated he is very good. On the days I work he collects baby starts babies dinner and plays with them. He also makes our dinner whilst I do the bedtime so it's always felt kinda fair.

He is still very protective over the family time. But he has said maybe every couple of weeks instead of visiting the grandparents on a Sunday I can have some extra me time then to do the things like haircuts etc that doesn't need to be a weekly thing.

So I feel like we have reached a fair compromise

OP posts:
PaigeMatthews · 01/06/2023 23:44

He is a prince. What a wonder of a man allowing you some Sundays for hair cuts and nail appintments...

i cannot see any issues with that at all.

PaigeMatthews · 01/06/2023 23:45

How are financies shared?
Who pays for baby related things, including childcare?
do you own the house you live in? Equally?

Original poster
HelloItsMeAgainHello · 01/06/2023 23:49

Everything is shared 100%. Both salaries into a joint account. Set amount into savings. And equal spending money each. Mortgage on house owned 50/50

OP posts:
ToK1 · 01/06/2023 23:54

Wtf?

Your dh is getting 8 hours during the week ti himself. Does sport on a Sunday and demands you have family time sat and the rest of sun, except when he wants to wind down on a sun night?

And he's pressuring you into continuing bf?
So you beg and feel grateful that he's thrown you the scrap of 1 hour? That you have to justify why you want it?

And you're putting up with any of this because?!

Tinkerbyebye · 02/06/2023 01:05

Just tell him he has a choice. Either he gives up a Friday to you, or you go Saturday and Sunday morning and he can lump family time