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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Time to myself

82 replies

HelloItsMeAgainHello · 01/06/2023 21:59

I have a dd1 and I've just returned to work after mat leave working 3 days a week 8.30-5.30. My partner has currently been going to the gym on 4 nights after work and getting home around 5.30.

Now I'm back at work he is still going to the gym 4 days (2 on the days I'm not working and 2 on the days I am) he is unable to go on the Monday due to how child care is set up for me working.

This means that I have no time to myself in the week as days I working I don't get home until 6.30 and by the time my partner gets home it's bed and bath time for the baby who is still breastfed.

I have asked for him to drop going to the gym to 3 nights a week (1 night on the day I'm not working and 2 on the days I'm working). He thinks this is unreasonable and I should just go have me time on days after work or after he comes home from the gym.

I don't think it's unreasonable for me to want 1 evening when he gets to have 3. He argues that we agreed he could still do 4 days after the baby was born. However at that time we was working on the assumption I would only be working 2 days (so 2 days of childcare that dh could go to the gym after he finished work). However due to cost of living I've had to return 3 and on that day we have childcare that he needs to pick up directly from work.

Who is being unreasonable?

OP posts:
SkyandSurf · 02/06/2023 09:39

ContinuousProcrastination · 02/06/2023 07:19

I know i'll get slaughtered on here for this, but I don't know where this thing has come from that everyone expects so much "me time" when they've got babies and toddlers! My parents had 4 kids, there was no such thing as putting kids in nursery a day a week when not working in order to go to the gym. You just went for a run or a swim after kids went to bed or for an hour or so. Why do people find it so hard to give up anything of their lifestyle pre kids? Kids are only young a short few years, and your life does have to change a bit to accomodate them, temporarily.

My dad would never have fucked off to the gym 4 days a week for 2 hours at a time. He went for a run near home a couple of times, rode his bike with us from when we were about 5 (yes, it meant short rides until we were older) and played a sports match once a week after we were in bed. My mum did an hour longer gym session close to home once a week and also ran near home. My DH does his gym (for 1 hour) while the i take kids to swimming lesson, i do mine while DH takes them for football, we fit in running after they're in bed or early morning and we ride bikes with kids in tow. That's just being parents.

I'm with you. I'm blown away by the selfishness of - almost always - men who think they are entitled to so many significant chunks of 'me time', usually at the expense of their partner and family.

My father swam every day before we woke up. He never would have dreamed of fucking off most evenings a week and expecting my mother to do dinner, bath, bed etc by herself to facilitate his gym or pool time.

Wittyname10 · 02/06/2023 10:00

I'm a married man and the idea that you are so rigidly stuck to schedule is part of the problem - that and the expectation from your partner that his pre-baby life carries on as normal whereas yours does not.

I go to the gym 3/4 times a week WHEN I CAN, my wife runs/climbs/cycles WHEN SHE CAN. This ebbs and flows with family life. I haven't been at all this week because it hasn't been possible for me to go. It's as simple as that. Until our partner gets it in to his head that family comes before gym/leisure time then your needs will not be prioritised.

We usually spend one day a week as a family, but it doesn't stop me going to the gym for an hour or my wife going out for a long walk. What are you doing on a saturday that requires you all to be present for a 12 hour excursion?

Your partner needs to stop being so rigid in his scheduling.
You might need to be more assertive - or maybe take up something regular one or 2 nights a week.

FedUpWithEverything123 · 02/06/2023 10:17

So many drip-feeds - he won't allow you to do anything at weekends, yet then he does a sport on weekends (Sunday mornings), and then he makes you take the baby Sunday evenings so he has time to himself....
If all this is true, then either you have a controlling jerk on your hands, or you need to stand up for yourself

Jk987 · 02/06/2023 10:18

Wittyname10 · 02/06/2023 10:00

I'm a married man and the idea that you are so rigidly stuck to schedule is part of the problem - that and the expectation from your partner that his pre-baby life carries on as normal whereas yours does not.

I go to the gym 3/4 times a week WHEN I CAN, my wife runs/climbs/cycles WHEN SHE CAN. This ebbs and flows with family life. I haven't been at all this week because it hasn't been possible for me to go. It's as simple as that. Until our partner gets it in to his head that family comes before gym/leisure time then your needs will not be prioritised.

We usually spend one day a week as a family, but it doesn't stop me going to the gym for an hour or my wife going out for a long walk. What are you doing on a saturday that requires you all to be present for a 12 hour excursion?

Your partner needs to stop being so rigid in his scheduling.
You might need to be more assertive - or maybe take up something regular one or 2 nights a week.

Agree with this.

Kimchikeffir · 02/06/2023 10:27

I actually think he could change his gym times, you could get the early evening slot and he can go whilst you feed the baby

Snugglemonkey · 02/06/2023 11:03

He can get up early and go to the gym. He should not have more time to himself than you.

Wittyname10 · 03/06/2023 13:14

Snugglemonkey · 02/06/2023 11:03

He can get up early and go to the gym. He should not have more time to himself than you.

In fairness he’s up at 4:30 for work.

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