Page 3 | Time to myself

HelloItsMeAgainHello · 2023-06-01T20:59:12+00:00

I have a dd1 and I've just returned to work after mat leave working 3 days a week 8.30-5.30. My partner has currently been going to the gym on 4 nights after work and getting home around 5.30. Now I'm back at work he is still going to the gym 4 days (2 on the days I'm not working and 2 on the days I am) he is unable to go on the Monday due to how child care is set up for me working. This means that I have no time to myself in the week as days I working I don't get home until 6.30 and by the time my partner gets home it's bed and bath time for the baby who is still breastfed. I have asked for him to drop going to the gym to 3 nights a week (1 night on the day I'm not working and 2 on the days I'm working). He thinks this is unreasonable and I should just go have me time on days after work or after he comes home from the gym. I don't think it's unreasonable for me to want 1 evening when he gets to have 3. He argues that we agreed he could still do 4 days after the baby was born. However at that time we was working on the assumption I would only be working 2 days (so 2 days of childcare that dh could go to the gym after he finished work). However due to cost of living I've had to return 3 and on that day we have childcare that he needs to pick up directly from work. Who is being unreasonable?

SleepingStandingUp · 02/06/2023 01:14

So you're paying for 4+ hours of child care so he can go to the gym? Suggest match funding and paying for baby to go an extra half day so you get alone time.

TomatoSandwiches · 02/06/2023 01:18

You had to compromise and work an additional day so he can compromise and give you early slot fridays and Saturday mornings for haircuts, I have never seen a hairdressers open on a Sunday since he has Sunday mornings for his own thing. So family time at weekends is just a rule for you huh?

I wouldn't be with anyone that dictates what weekends are for anyway but YANBU.

Natty13 · 02/06/2023 02:04

HelloItsMeAgainHello · 01/06/2023 23:35

To be fair to him he does work long hours at a hard job. And regarding the breastfeeding we had such difficulty in the beginning with a tongue tie, awful latch, a hematoma causing jaundice and weight loss. It was causing me such post partum anxiety as I was so fixated on breastfeeding. I think he feels I tried so hard and now we are at the easy stage and the baby loves the boob.

We did talk and I cried a bit and for him it's the not having a set thing to do as me time that seems to be the problem. To him he wants to go on those days at those times as he has friends that also go.

We have reached a compromise and I get a Friday! He is going to go to the gym that night after I return, bed and dinner is done.

Also I feel I may of portrayed him badly as I was upset and frustrated he is very good. On the days I work he collects baby starts babies dinner and plays with them. He also makes our dinner whilst I do the bedtime so it's always felt kinda fair.

He is still very protective over the family time. But he has said maybe every couple of weeks instead of visiting the grandparents on a Sunday I can have some extra me time then to do the things like haircuts etc that doesn't need to be a weekly thing.

So I feel like we have reached a fair compromise

Can you please explain why its ok for him to go to play sport on the weekend but you have to cry before he "allows" you to get your hair done every 6-8th weekend?

AllBlackEverything · 02/06/2023 05:44

It doesn't sound like he works long hours to me. Sounds like he has a wonderful work / life balance, at your expense.

I'm really surprised at the many commenters who have been harsh in this thread. Your complaints are perfectly valid.

If I were you, I'd consider dropping breast feeding to allow more flexibility in your evening schedule. Or perhaps put baby in to childcare for one morning on a day that you don't work, so you can have some time for yourself. After all, you are paying for childcare during all those hours that your partner is in the gym of an afternoon.

I'd also drop visits to grandparents every week, that's way too much.

Final thought; it doesn't actually sound like you have much "family time" at the weekends at all, between your partners sport and his need for time alone to "rest before work", as well as the visits to grandparents, it sounds busy and like you take the brunt of the childcare responsibilities.

Just out of interest, do you mostly see your in laws rather than your parents on Sundays?

Sissynova · 02/06/2023 06:22

*He is still very protective over the family time. But he has said maybe every couple of weeks instead of visiting the grandparents on a Sunday I can have some extra me time then to do the things like haircuts etc that doesn't need to be a weekly thing.

So I feel like we have reached a fair compromise*

You’re right, him “maybe” letting you book your nails or hair every couple of weeks is a fair compromise…

Lovingitallnow · 02/06/2023 06:30

I'm really concerned that you read the responses and what you heard is that you're being unreasonable because what I saw was a resounding he's a selfish prick. I'm glad you've resolved it. But also look at the breastfeeding- you're putting yourself last. You need to put yourself first because no one else will. I will always prioritise my babies needs over my own but I need to put myself first because no one else will. Conveniently oftentimes that means prioritising my kids wants because their joys brings me joy so it's a win win. But I have mental health needs and they come before the kids or dh's wants.

Lovetotravel123 · 02/06/2023 06:39

How old are the grandparents? Could it work so that they come to yours and have time with the baby at the weekend so that you can go to the gym? Then you could all have lunch together. This is what my mum did and it was great.

Imisscoffee2021 · 02/06/2023 06:54

Trying to squeeze "me time" into an hour rather than a two hour or so session doesn't sound very relaxing or useful, so I think you're not unreasonable at all for wanting that Friday. Using a lunch break, a spare hour where you can etc sounds like itll be allt of rushing, especially as yoi want to swim and sauna so have to get changed twice. Its not unreasonable at all to need more time for that once a week activity youve asked for yourself!

If he's doing a sport on Sunday morning too and feels so strongly about Saturdays and Sunday afternoons being family time, then a few hours on a Friday at the expense of one of his sessions seems a very fair compromise? You're working 5 days a week as two of them are looking after your child full time.

Hope he sees that this isn't a big ask and manages to sacrifice one day at the gym, based on others feedback he could arguably fill in another session at a lunchtime if he's worried about missing out on gym hours if he's just using equipment and not the pool.

ContinuousProcrastination · 02/06/2023 07:09

I think both of you are possibly quite unrealistic about the change to your lifestyle when a baby arrives, your DH especially. 2 hour gym sessions is huge, it sounds like you each essentially want regular 3-4 hour sessions child free (allowing for getting there, showering etc, getting home).

You get far less time for this stuff when you have a child, especially if working. 2 hour gym sessions 4 times a week AND a sport on a sunday morning? That's like a full working days worth of hours your DH has made himself unavailable to parent.

has your DH changed his life at all? There's a lot of "he wants the weekend to be family time" - just say no! You are an adult, explain that you having time to exercise is important to you & you'll be going on a sat/sun. I think you might both need to shorten the sessions so it can be fitted into a normal evening after baby has gone to bed though, for it to be sustainable longer term.

Most people don't spend 2 hours in the gym/swimming/getting nails done regularly when they have young kids.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 02/06/2023 07:18

The other thing you could do is go together and baby to the gym with you, take turns using equipment/sitting with baby in the cafe.

ContinuousProcrastination · 02/06/2023 07:19

I know i'll get slaughtered on here for this, but I don't know where this thing has come from that everyone expects so much "me time" when they've got babies and toddlers! My parents had 4 kids, there was no such thing as putting kids in nursery a day a week when not working in order to go to the gym. You just went for a run or a swim after kids went to bed or for an hour or so. Why do people find it so hard to give up anything of their lifestyle pre kids? Kids are only young a short few years, and your life does have to change a bit to accomodate them, temporarily.

My dad would never have fucked off to the gym 4 days a week for 2 hours at a time. He went for a run near home a couple of times, rode his bike with us from when we were about 5 (yes, it meant short rides until we were older) and played a sports match once a week after we were in bed. My mum did an hour longer gym session close to home once a week and also ran near home. My DH does his gym (for 1 hour) while the i take kids to swimming lesson, i do mine while DH takes them for football, we fit in running after they're in bed or early morning and we ride bikes with kids in tow. That's just being parents.

DustyLee123 · 02/06/2023 07:46

Of course he wants you to keep breast feeding, that ties you to the child so he keeps going to the gym.
You should both have equal time off.

Tigofigo · 02/06/2023 07:50

We have reached a compromise and I get a Friday! He is going to go to the gym that night after I return, bed and dinner is done.

This is what I was going to suggest having read your OP! Makes much more sense.

Remember BF is not forever so you will have more flexibility in the future

midgemadgemodge · 02/06/2023 07:55

Did you really say he wants the weekend to be family time

And that he does a sport all Sunday morning ?

Nordicrain · 02/06/2023 07:58

I would say thursday would be the best day to go. He could still go to the gym but come back earlier/ go for a shorter period and you could go.

Also, how old is baby? Can't your DH learn to put them to bed? Both mine where BF and BF to sleep for a long time (2yrs+) but DH could put them to bed if I wasn't there. I would actively work out a way for your DH (and others) to do this so you aren't always bound by the 6:30 bedtime deadline. Leaving your DH at home to figure this out is the perfect way to do it.

Bouldering · 02/06/2023 08:12

He’s being totally U expecting pre baby levels of gym time now he has a baby. Most parents I know where both work fit exercise around the baby, so early mornings and after bed time etc. Sadly he’s a typical case of seeing baby as your job and he does it when he has nothing else on. Short term , if it’s his folks your visiting on Sunday you could take at least every second Sundsy to yourself while he visits. Highly likely his parents will play with the baby anyway and he’ll get to chill but at least you’ll be free. But long term he needs to get 50/50 with things. It’ll get easier once you finish BF but don’t give it up if you don’t want to just to once again facilitate him!

Boobahs · 02/06/2023 08:39

I agree with you OP, he is getting a lot of time child free to do with what he pleases but you seem to have to squeeze it in.

Why can't he drop the Friday gym and go on Mondays after baby is in bed?

billy1966 · 02/06/2023 08:51

Be very careful OP.

It is neither healthy nor normal to be dictated to, the way you are by him.

You are obviously very naive if you think a partner gets to decide what YOU do, telling you when you can and can't leave the house, whilst at the same time informing you that they will do as they want.🙄

Scary.
Not normal.

You had to cry to get even a small bit of movement?

Not normal.

I would be horrified if you were my daughter to hear how controlling he is.

Keep that job and don't rush into having another child.

You have been warned.

kokotheguerilla · 02/06/2023 08:58

Interested to know why the grandparents visit has to be cancelled to allow you the occasional Sunday you time? Could he not take the baby himself? Is it a breastfeeding thing? Apologies if obvious, I don’t have children.

ReachForTheMars · 02/06/2023 08:59

HelloItsMeAgainHello · 01/06/2023 22:27

Dh is really against the weekends. Saturday we do a family day. On Sunday he does a sport in the morning and then we try to visit grandparents in the afternoon

He is against solo weekend time- for you.
Am I understanding this right:
He wants weekends as family time except the time when he goes out? It sounds like he is avoiding solo parenting

It is unsettling that he would be more amenable to you having time for something he considers worthwhile (gym) rather than just making time for you to do as you please.

He get hours of free time to do as he pleases (gym) but wont support you in getting a break at the weekend.

It's possibly not the breastfeeding that bothering you, it's the needing to he needed all the time and he can help with that by making space for you in the family.

justme2022 · 02/06/2023 09:03

Ah he sounds lovely. He's giving you a couple of hours on a Friday and will kindly allow you to have a Sunday afternoon every now and then. And all you had to do was break down in tears to get it. What a prince among men. Will he be allowing you to stop breastfeeding at some point as well?

IWonderWhereThatDishDidGo · 02/06/2023 09:06

So what if he's "very against" you having time to yourself on weekends? Tough. You pay equal amounts into bills and you are still doing way more childcare. I know it is often that way when they're tiny, but he needs to have flexibility somewhere. Tell him weekend mornings are yours. He's being a twat

ReachForTheMars · 02/06/2023 09:06

ContinuousProcrastination · 02/06/2023 07:19

I know i'll get slaughtered on here for this, but I don't know where this thing has come from that everyone expects so much "me time" when they've got babies and toddlers! My parents had 4 kids, there was no such thing as putting kids in nursery a day a week when not working in order to go to the gym. You just went for a run or a swim after kids went to bed or for an hour or so. Why do people find it so hard to give up anything of their lifestyle pre kids? Kids are only young a short few years, and your life does have to change a bit to accomodate them, temporarily.

My dad would never have fucked off to the gym 4 days a week for 2 hours at a time. He went for a run near home a couple of times, rode his bike with us from when we were about 5 (yes, it meant short rides until we were older) and played a sports match once a week after we were in bed. My mum did an hour longer gym session close to home once a week and also ran near home. My DH does his gym (for 1 hour) while the i take kids to swimming lesson, i do mine while DH takes them for football, we fit in running after they're in bed or early morning and we ride bikes with kids in tow. That's just being parents.

I wanted me time because I was either working or looking after children.

I like to watch my childrens sport classes so I dont take my me time then. I take it when DH takes kids to the park. That's just being parents too.

Screamingabdabz · 02/06/2023 09:14

Lovingitallnow · 02/06/2023 06:30

I'm really concerned that you read the responses and what you heard is that you're being unreasonable because what I saw was a resounding he's a selfish prick. I'm glad you've resolved it. But also look at the breastfeeding- you're putting yourself last. You need to put yourself first because no one else will. I will always prioritise my babies needs over my own but I need to put myself first because no one else will. Conveniently oftentimes that means prioritising my kids wants because their joys brings me joy so it's a win win. But I have mental health needs and they come before the kids or dh's wants.

Brilliant post. You should listen to this op.

You sound very naive and coerced. This man throws you crumbs to keep you thinking he’s ‘a good man’ - he isn’t. He is controlling and selfish. Where is his care for you? Put yourself first and stop asking for his permission to live your own life.

Bouldering · 02/06/2023 09:27

ContinuousProcrastination · 02/06/2023 07:19

I know i'll get slaughtered on here for this, but I don't know where this thing has come from that everyone expects so much "me time" when they've got babies and toddlers! My parents had 4 kids, there was no such thing as putting kids in nursery a day a week when not working in order to go to the gym. You just went for a run or a swim after kids went to bed or for an hour or so. Why do people find it so hard to give up anything of their lifestyle pre kids? Kids are only young a short few years, and your life does have to change a bit to accomodate them, temporarily.

My dad would never have fucked off to the gym 4 days a week for 2 hours at a time. He went for a run near home a couple of times, rode his bike with us from when we were about 5 (yes, it meant short rides until we were older) and played a sports match once a week after we were in bed. My mum did an hour longer gym session close to home once a week and also ran near home. My DH does his gym (for 1 hour) while the i take kids to swimming lesson, i do mine while DH takes them for football, we fit in running after they're in bed or early morning and we ride bikes with kids in tow. That's just being parents.

I agree, and that’s how we parent , so for eg I jog while my kids are at dance class, or my DP brings them to see his team play and forgoes the pints after. But in this case sadly the OP’s husband expects her to bend to everything and he gets to live like a single man