Do you worry about your children constantly? How do you ever relax?

[TrappedInSlothBody]

I'd love a child but sensible head says no I shouldn't, and reminds me of all the stuff I've read about how once you have a child your own happiness is basically dependent on theirs for the rest of your life.

I'm prone to anxiety and very good at catastrophic thinking so feel this may be a hint I'd be a terrible parent

How do you not worry about them all the time? That they won't get sick? That a dreadful accident won't happen to them? That they won't get serious depression as an adolescent?

How do you stay sane and level while knowing you can't protect this person you love so much from, well, life doing what life does?

I feel overwhelmed just thinking of it! Which again, I realise, probably means I'd be a shit mother!

I worry much more about things than before I had them, yes. But I absolutely trust DH (tonight they’re at the cricket and I’m lazing at home) and that makes it easier.

Oh definitely. I completely agree that all decent parents are doing their utmost to keep their kids safe and well and happy.

I guess my question is more to do with the aspects of life we don't have any control over, mostly illnesses both physical and mental, and freak accidents and stuff like that.

I don't worry about my kids unless there is something specific to worry about e.g. they are seriously ill but I don't catastrophise that they may get ill.

Funnily enough. I'm less anxious after becoming a mum. I think it gave me perspective on what really matters and also made me just have to get on with stuff instead of always winding myself up in advance. So I'm definitely heaps stronger and confident, and less prone to general anxiety. I have one DD and am about to give birth to number two. Yes I worry about them, but I don't recognise the level of worry you seem to expect - it's not a crippling, consuming concern for their welfare

I breathe deeply, and delegate certain tasks to DP (basically anything in the playground where all I can see is imminent catastrophic injury and all normal parents see a fun climbing challenging).

I do find it occasionally overwhelming. But honestly I think my brain can only take so much and then it shunts thoughts to the side out of self preservation!

I’m insanely good at catastrophising 😂 so good I’m having therapy for it!

I’ve got 2 boys, 4 years and 6 weeks.

As a previous poster has said, I delegate tasks to my husband. So parks, anything near water etc I just mostly step back from the situation.

When they’re ill I REALLY struggle and will no doubt end up with a reputation amongst the local GP’s 😬🤷🏻‍♀️

But, it is SO worth the added anxiety 💖
My life is worth living because of my 2 boys x

I’m a worrier and I do worry about my kids a lot, but certainly not all the time, and I’m much more relaxed about a lot of things (climbing frames, overnight camps, playing out etc) than other Mums I know which has surprised me a bit.

I do think it’s true that I’m only ever as happy as my least happy child - I don’t mean moment to moment but if one of them is going through a hard time then I feel really low until we’ve got through it. But my life is so, so much better for having kids so it’s all completely worth it.

I struggle with anxiety (triggered by my first baby being stillborn) and to be honest I find it unbearably stressful at times. Possibly because I have the frame of reference of losing my first baby in pregnancy, my brain imagines how unthinkably awful it would be to lose one of my living children. I find the constant catastrophising my brain does exhausting.

I cope by having pretty constant therapy (as I desperately don’t want to transfer my anxieties onto my children) and using the old ‘one day at a time’ method.

I am very very envious of those with a naturally rational brain who don’t see potential catastrophe everywhere!

I don't know... I have teens/ young adults now. And the stress and anxiety is far, far greater than when they were children.

They are amazing and bright and funny. I love them wholeheartedly.

Would I have children again knowing what this stage is like? I don't know.

I suffered badly from anxiety before I had children although I didn't call it that then - just thought I was not doing life right. I did worry about the same things you are thinking of but squashed it down as I wanted to have children so badly. When I had kids and they were all small I actually coped better than I imagined I would a lot of the time - I recognise that idea of perspective and not sweating the small stuff. But to be honest when they're small it's easy - they are pretty much totally under your control. You can get all the advice, do all the right things, feed them well, safety check your home. Then one day they are bigger and doing their own thing and not listening to you and hating you and suddenly you're not in control any more. That's when my anxiety rocketed tbh. The teenage years have not been easy and have pushed me very close to the edge.

I have diagnosed anxiety as well as PTSD which comes with hyper vigilance and I have found that, much to my surprise, I don't tend to worry about DS much at all. Or at least, I worry in a normal way.

Having kids definelty made ne sweat the small stuff a lot less. I'm an overthinker and can get anxious at times, but I never worry about massive things happening to my kids as the day to day of parenting fills my whole head. There's just no room (for me) for the big worries.

I am prone to anxiety, and I found it easier once my DC was older than a year old and was out of the high cot death risk age range.

Also, this was about the age that they started walking and bumping into everything, so it became impossible to freak out about every little bump.

Same but then I've never been an anxious person. If someone is prone to severe anxiety then I can see how it might be easy to direct that towards their children but it's not good for anyone imo.

@Glitterbiscuits sounds like we are on the same page

Mine are only 5, so I’m hardly an expert and have zero experience of teenagers etc.

So far, I’ve found that they just keep me far too busy to be worrying about things that might happen to them and pre kids I was riddled with life fear and worry. Watching them explore the world and being so brave inspires me to be brave and strong for them if that makes any sense? I’m trying to build a strong foundation with them that they are loved, they are worthy, and that I’m always here so when their life gets trickier as they age they know they’ve got security and boring old mum to come back to.

i hope to God they never get seriously ill or injured, but if they do I will be there. I will always be there and we will face whatever it is together. Mainly though I try not to think about the what ifs because it brings me out in a panic!

It does shock me when I think about it that I can’t protect these precious little people I made from the harshness of life and that really, the only thing I’ve got is to hope and pray that they’re lucky in life. I’m going to have to stop thinking about it now, because I’m starting to fret and my whole body is screaming to go wrap them in cotton wool and use my body as a human shield for them against my imaginary horrors 😂

I think you are showing fantastic foresight and I wish I had.

In my case I often barely cope. I don't switch off or properly relax. I'm undergoing assessment for ADHD and Autism. One of the big issues being that I've always been very inflexible and unable to cope with unexpected changes.

I spend so much effort trying to predict what the coming night might bring etc (illness in particular) because I need to run the scenarios and be ready for it if (when) it happens. The nights give me so much anxiety. Will they wake? Will they be ill? Am I going to wake up to need to clean up vomit from bedding and floors.

I never used to have an issue with vomiting until last year when we experienced our first stomach bug since having kids. It genuinely traumatised me. 😑

Same situation as @SarahLucSc , my first was stillborn and my son is now 4, and I had to have hypnotherapy because I catastrophise and constantly googling stuff which would all lead to him having cancer /dying. It was exhausting. I am much better since my therapy, know he just has a cold/virus etc but I do worry about everything else.. will he have friends, will he be nice, what will the world be like when he’s grown up, just all of it. It’s very stressful and I have crazy anxiety since having him. I just love him so so much I want his life to be perfect but I know that’s not real life.

I guess my question is more to do with the aspects of life we don't have any control over, mostly illnesses both physical and mental, and freak accidents and stuff like that.

In the same way that all of these awful things can happen to you, or your partner, or parent or sibling, but you don't think about them all the time. No point in worrying about what you can't control. Like for everything in life, you risk assess and minimise the risks and that is all you can do.

I have teens/twentysomethings and the worry is definitely worse now than when they were little, and it seemed bad enough then. When they're still at home and at school, at least you have a high degree of control over what happens, when and with whom. Tbh, my best advice is to train them well in what things to share with you and what things it would be best that you just never know about.

I do worry about mine but what I think of as normal material worry about something happening out of the blue.

I have a good friend who once said (when I was worrying about them racing about like mad things on scooters) - look, they probably won’t break anything but even if they do, they’ll heal up. It did kind of help actually.

Were on an adventure holiday at the moment and I looked at mine this evening after the shower and they’re covered in bruises and scrapes from falling off a bike, bouncing off the side of various water slides, getting hit with a ball etc and when I said to them “do you know where you got those bruises from?!” they were like “oh yeah, no, I don’t even remember getting them”. They’re 12 and 10 by the way and have had their fair share of incidents!

I do worry when they’re ill but never that it’s something serious. In fact I’m the opposite and have left both of them too long before seeing the Dr as I don’t want to be “that parent” and was told that I really should have brought them in sooner (one had an eye infection that could have been very nasty and the other had a cold that turned into a chest infection).

If I think about all the scary things that could happen to them, it’s awful of course but I just squash those feelings down, lock them away like the good Brit I am.

I don't worry about my kids in general although there are times when I do but those times pass

i have PTSD from a horrendous pregnancy, traumatising covid c section experience then finding out my son had a birth defect after 6 weeks in hospital after birth. Part of my PTSD is hyper vigilance; I’m a lot better now but I still absolutely panic when he gets ill, especially since he had sepsis this past January. It doesn’t take much health wise to push me over the edge. It’s so draining. You love them so much, you just want to protect them at all costs.

This.

I am generally more of a worrier than dh, but I call myself a 'planner' rather than plain worrier. I only worry about the risks that I can reasonably mitigate and then plan around them, not the black swan risks. At the back of my mind, yeah, I worry that when my teenage son is out, he might get stabbed but I cannot lock him up, so he has to live his life and I mine.

This. I have teens and am very anxious right now - at times I have thought my mental health is worse because I am a parent. But - my kids have enriched my life so much, and have given me so much love and joy that it's a price I can pay.