Do you worry about your children constantly? How do you ever relax?

[TrappedInSlothBody]

I'd love a child but sensible head says no I shouldn't, and reminds me of all the stuff I've read about how once you have a child your own happiness is basically dependent on theirs for the rest of your life.

I'm prone to anxiety and very good at catastrophic thinking so feel this may be a hint I'd be a terrible parent

How do you not worry about them all the time? That they won't get sick? That a dreadful accident won't happen to them? That they won't get serious depression as an adolescent?

How do you stay sane and level while knowing you can't protect this person you love so much from, well, life doing what life does?

I feel overwhelmed just thinking of it! Which again, I realise, probably means I'd be a shit mother!

I suggest you re read then, because quite a lot of the posts are in essence how awful life is now that children are independent. It certainly isn’t intended as a barb, malicious or otherwise. It’s an observation on a mindset that is extremely damaging and all the more so because it comes cloaked and disguised as ‘love’ and that really is not what love is.

I suggest you re read then, because quite a lot of the posts are in essence how awful life is now that children are independent.

I feel like you are reading a different thread and don't think you are being fair on those posters.

The parents are not saying life is awful because of their children's independence - it is the acknowledgment that as they grow up you can't keep them safe and make everything ok for them.

When they are little a parent can soothe the bumped knee after a fall in the playground and make everything right in their child's world.

The same cannot be said for some of the challenges of adolescence and young adulthood, like serious mental health issues for example.

I guess I read their answers along those lines.

I'm not a parent, but when I developed a lifelong disability for example my parents both wished so much they could take it away so I didn't have to deal with it and spend time in hospital being poked and prodded - and they couldn't. Stuff like that. I imagine most parents would feel the same.

It’s an observation on a mindset that is extremely damaging and all the more so because it comes cloaked and disguised as ‘love’ and that really is not what love is.

With the example of my parents feeling helpless and wishing they could have my disability instead of me so I wouldn't struggle, it was very definitely love driving the longing they had. Nothing to do with control.

Decent parents would relieve their kid's burden in a heartbeat if they had a choice, and that is because of love.

I think wanting to relieve any burden or pain or difficulty your child has is very different to (for example) seeing calamity in a playground, or wishing you hadn’t had them at all because of worry.

I am genuinely not trying to give you or anyone else a hard time, but I do think we have to be mindful that for most people living an ordinary sort of life there will be ups and downs within that life: job problems and illnesses and relationship problems and financial worries, and to make those problems about you and how stressful it makes your life (I’m using ‘you’ in a general sense, not accusing you personally of doing this!) is a bit self centred and ultimately it isn’t helpful to anybody!

So I'm going to turn the question on you? Why do you have a mumset account if you genuinely don't want kids and think you'd be a shit mam? Wouldn't this be the last thing on your mind. Or deep down you do want them and this is more of a reassurance post? All I can say is, I get the negative thinking....to an extent. You can let all the bad things in your life make or break you. But it's a lot easier to just accept life happens, sh*t happens but also amazing things can happen. You will naturally worry about your kids as you love them and your only human. But to catastrophize about freak accidents and illnesses, that's not healthy and I would reccomend therapy otherwise you will literally drive yourself insane

I am a really anxious person and I am pretty much permanently exhausted from worrying all the time. If it’s not the kids it’s the cats! I can only say my kids have been 100% worth it and I just muddle through, trying not to pass on my anxieties to them. Echo delegating things like playgrounds etc to DH.

Yep.
Never.

Lone parent with no one to offload to. I can catastrophise about everything as the chain of stress is never broken.

Interesting thread.

My sister has anxiety (diagnosed) and she chose not to have children. She told me once that the feeling of being responsible for their success / well being / happiness would just overwhelm her and she couldn't do it. TBH I think she has made a very rational and selfless decision.

Our mum is an anxious person, and she made life very difficult growing up (still does). Even now she sometimes tells me her (irrational) fears for my children and I'm like 'huh?'. She worries about things that don't even come on my radar - them getting attacked by strangers, or falling out of trees and breaking their necks or whatever. Her anxiety ruled our childhood tbh. I'm just lucky that I take after our dad more, he's a lot more stoical in general.

My observation on anxiety is that it's hardwired into some people, sometimes. My sister and I grew up in the same / very similar environments, yet our 'anxiety level' is at polar ends of the spectrum. She's a highly strung, anxious, perfectionist. I'm not.

OP you could read "Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway". It really spoke to my experience of growing up with an anxious parent. It's not about ego, as such, I don't think. For my mum, it was more important that her worries were assuaged than it was for me to feel like I could handle situations or to learn to do so. She always had to step in - with advice or actions or warnings etc 🙄. And every time she did, what I heard was "I don't believe in you. I don't trust you. I don't believe that you can handle this". Hear that message 1000 times over, and the child comes to believe it. All so that my mum could feel in control and not deal with her anxiety. It took me a long time to get out from under that. to realise that an awful lot of life is not in my control - and not worth worrying about as a result.

Why do you have a mumset account if you genuinely don't want kids and think you'd be a shit mam?

I said I would love to have a child, @dollydaydream346 . It's literally the first thing I say in my OP.

I joined Mumsnet when I first started researching fertility MOTs and how to prepare to conceive, health wise.

Also, there are plenty of women on MN who have no interest in having kids - there are loads of threads about all kinds of topics, not just about having babies and raising children.

My 16yo tonight: "mum, you worry too much. I am fine."

He doesn't get it. I will always be worrying about him.

Yes I apologise I just re read. Well I don't think you'd be a shit mam. Infact, good mams need good heads on thier shoulders. You are aware of what can happen in this cruel world and that's good. But I'd HATE to see all this be a reason you chose not to have them. I think cognitive behavioural therapy can really help with the way you think. I'm not telling you what to do, but coming from someone who also thought like you at one point I know there's a solution. But only if you want it

Hi OP, my recommendation to anyone thinking of having a child is getting your head in the best place in terms of working on trauma, self-esteem and anxiety.

I only say this because I've suffered with both for a lot of my life and it has hugely resurfaced once I became a mum. The crippling worry is endless. Not just things like are they ok, are they safe, but am I good enough, am I worthy enough to be a mum, do I even love him the right amount. Really intense horrible intrusive thoughts postpartum that I'm still struggling with, and have a lot to do with my past trauma again.

I never thought it would be quite like this. Getting more help for it now though.

I have a general sense of concern but any more would have a negative effect on my child so I won't do that to them, worrying about something you can't control helps no one

I actually think it’s useful to rephrase how you feel about the children going through hard things. This is obviously totally different to worrying about them having a terrible illness or accident.
My son has just started a new school and went off one day with worries about going to after school orchestra, how he would know where to go etc, and I was worrying about him and then just thought “this is good that he’s learning how to figure out these things for himself, this will stand him in good stead in the future”
We can’t snow plough for our children, we have to make sure that they have the tools to deal with the bumps in the road themselves.
So I do worry about random accidents a bit but normal life trials i reframe as learning opportunities for them.

No. Worrying is a waste of time. Address your anxiety now, see your GP.

Day to day I'm ok in that anxiety doesn't prevent me doing things.

So I don't think this is a medical matter, it's a much bigger question about deciding if becoming a mother is the right path for me.

I'm having therapy anyway over the deaths of my parents, so at some point I'll explore this question about motherhood in therapy.

I don't worry about them unnecessarily, no.

Gosh you could be describing me here, ive always be a worrier but since having a child its so bad, the constant worry, all surrounding my son, he is 19 now.
the worry makes me ill, in a way i envy people that don't have kids, they much be at peace. im tormented by worry and fear. , what if he gets sick, what if he is in an accident, and all the bad stuff going on in the world, i worry about it 100 times more because i have a a son that will be effected by it.

I am a worrier and a terrible catastrophiser. My kids are 25 and 28. I haven't stopped worrying yet but I never for a minute regret having them.

I have diagnosed anxiety that can last a few months and then I'm well for a few months. The time of wellness is slowly getting bigger and anxiety less. I worry about all the things you mentioned when I am ill. Its not something I worry about when I am well. I think you have to work at getting yourself better.

I stick to what I think is a normal level of worry if you can't do that then you really should see someone, children or not

Yes and mine are mostly adults now but that means they are off doing dangerous stuff in far flung parts of the world and taking risks. I honestly try not to think about it as I could drive myself crazy. As young children i didn't worry too much as they were always with me or their father or another responsible adult.

No I don't worry a lot. Barely at all, even.

I am not prone to anxiety. Actually, anxiety is rather frowned on in my culture. I am convinced that there is a common cultural thing, that a lot of MNers believe that they are morally bad people if they don't worry, that to not worry would = crap person / parent.

I do plan for a plausible worst & hope for the best. I reckon that it's gloriously wonderful that the world is so chaotic & unpredictable. Just goes to prove what a waste of time worrying is. Adult DD (who does suffer with anxiety) said she was quoting Oscar Wilde last night : "I've worried about so many things in my life that never happened." Life is unfair, get over it. Also, Every day I wasn't born in North Korea or DRC or ... makes me amazingly privileged & blessed, in spite of any problems I may face.

And then there's this.

I worry more about my grandchildren than I did about my own (or maybe I’ve forgotten!) but they bring me so much joy. I think love and worry go hand in hand. I lost my sister last year from cancer and I miss her so much. We were so close. But even with all the heartache her death brought - I would not have been without her. It is the same with my DS and DD - just the thought of them being in this world and being a part of me more than eclipses any angst they may cause me. Fear of the future should not stop you from living in the present

I let my kids do a while heap of crazy activities and weirdly it's not those that I struggle with. It's lying awake at night when suddenly I conjure up all manner of freak accidents and tragic lives. It is hard sometimes to stay normal!