Do you worry about your children constantly? How do you ever relax?

[TrappedInSlothBody]

I'd love a child but sensible head says no I shouldn't, and reminds me of all the stuff I've read about how once you have a child your own happiness is basically dependent on theirs for the rest of your life.

I'm prone to anxiety and very good at catastrophic thinking so feel this may be a hint I'd be a terrible parent

How do you not worry about them all the time? That they won't get sick? That a dreadful accident won't happen to them? That they won't get serious depression as an adolescent?

How do you stay sane and level while knowing you can't protect this person you love so much from, well, life doing what life does?

I feel overwhelmed just thinking of it! Which again, I realise, probably means I'd be a shit mother!

My sister's 26 year old son died in a freak accident last year and it's made me so much more anxious about my 20 year old son when he's out and about. I've always worried if I'm honest but I'm much worse now. It's horrible.

I think anxiousness actually helps as you can preempt things that might be dangerous etc and fix them in advance to keep baby safe! I haven't been totally relaxed at all since my baby was born, but I have never been so in love with him. I feel ok when he's left in my parents care as I trust them completely, I'm quite nervous about nursery though!

I don't really worry about my dc unless there's something to worry about; if they're ill, for example, I'll be concerned but I don't sit there and imagine all the things that could possibly ever go wrong and think of how I can try to prevent or preempt them. That sounds exhausting.

Therapy? Lol 😂 I've had friends go to the gp for catastrophising issues and I've done therapy before baby planning and would probably go again.

Doesn't ever take away the anxiety but you can help manage it, don't think it makes you a shite parent.

I do worry all the time. I don't let it show, generally, but I'm a bag of anxiety morning noon and night. When I went back to work both times after mat leave, I would find myself clearly picturing them dying and their funerals as I drove in. I'd end up at work in floods of tears. Now i worry less about illness/injury and more about their future - the real risk of bullying, sexual assault, poor choices and peer pressure around drugs and alcohol and vaping, toxic online influencers, the state of the planet, them being lonely or ending up as anxious and exhausted as me.

I’m a new mum and I’ve struggled with anxiety and mental health my whole life. I had anxiety through my whole pregnancy and since baby is here I have definitely worried about him every day.

BUT what I tell myself is that there are so many things out of our control and worrying about them isn’t going to stop things happening so they are a waste of energy and it doesn’t mean something bad will happen just because I think it will. for example worrying about your partner dying in a car accident every day on the way to work is just going to waste your energy that you could be using to be happy as you can’t control that (if that makes sense)

I know I will worry about him for the rest of my life but he is so amazing and the love I have for him is so much that it beats any anxiety I could feel.

Mine are teens and I've worried since they were born. You can never relax. Constantly putting their happiness first and yes, your happiness depends on theirs. It can be overwhelming. The worry and relentlessness of looking after them is what makes parenting hard. Maybe the parents who don't worry or who manage to put themselves first find parenting easier and less relentless. Less worry =less work.

Now and then thoughts like this do cross my mind. I think the only way forward is to mitigate the risks as best you can (by being vigilant with small children, discussing dangers with older teens etc) and then accept that tragic accidents and events do still happen. If anything happened to one of my DC, it would be indescribably awful but at least I'd have the comfort of knowing that I'd tried the best I could as a parent to make the time we'd had together as full of love and fun as possible.

I was thinking of this thread today. DD went off to school really unhappy this morning and I’ve basically felt on edge and not myself until picking her up (kids finish at lunchtime on a Friday where we live) Now she’s fine and I feel so great and excited for the weekend. That’s sort of what I meant upthread about only being as happy as my least happy child.

My Dd is 21 and I could have written your post. I just have to have faith that we brought her up as well as we could. We can't have control over everything.

I have a teen and I don't worry much. I just don't worry about things that I have no control over or that haven't happened yet. I'd only start worrying if he didn't come home and wasn't answering his phone or some scenario like that. But day to day, no.

I suppose it helps that my teen is a bit nerdy and doesn't really go out to parties much or anything, he's usually either home or at a mate's playing PlayStation!

I live with a long term MH condition. Once you have kids they always come first, of course but I also know I have to prioritise self care or I will become very unwell. I cope by working part time and making sure I get time to myself fairly regularly. Getting enough sleep is hugely important. I do think the most crucial thing is who you have children with though.

My DH is very laid back, confident and calm as a parent and this helps immensely. He knows the kind of situations that are likely to be particularly challenging for me and will take over. We have different strengths, so there are aspects of parenting where I take the lead and others where it's best if I get out of the way and let him crack on!

I have to constantly remind myself how important it is to contain my anxieties in front of the DC, which I do very successfully for the most part, and for them not to miss out on opportunities or adventures because of my fears. It helps me actually because sometimes having to put on a brave face and 'pretend' not to be anxious for them is a good distraction!

I'm child free OP and this is one of the biggest reasons I didn't start a family. I'm a terrible worrier and expect that it would only get worse if I have a kid, and I'll pass all my shite along to them. I come off as a very confident and capable person but I have some quite quirky health neurosis that I know having a kid will detonate. I'm 41 and in a pretty good place thanks to therapy and some lifestyle changes. For me, it's just not worth the idea of being chronically worried, anxious and miserable for the rest of my life. So I'll stick with the cat :(

Yes as with everything in parenting it depends on your child. I've done my best but life has thrown us some real curveballs. And my heart aches when I can't solve everything or take away the pain. I find it hard to look at pictures of them when they were little as I feel so sad and that I've let them down by not being able to protect them.

"Making the decision to have a child - it is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.
Elizabeth Stone"

I have a 14yo ds. We've had one dodgy moment so far. He caught swine flue at 2 and was ill for weeks.

But since then, no major problems. He's healthy, happy, fairly sensible, knows his own mind. I don't worry about him too much. He's perfectly capable of getting from one day to the next without me. He needs encouragement to keep him going at school but he'll do fine in next year's GCSEs. And then A'levels. He isn't the next Einstein but competent and calm. Not bothered by peer pressure. Not anxious.

When it comes to a career/earning a living, he'll find something sciencey that he likes and we'll work it out. When he needs a house deposit, I'll help, somehow. Probably sell up and downsize. He knows I have his back.

So no, I don't worry much. Each day as it comes. 🙂

There's always some level of worry but you get used to it. Like if I'm not with my children and hear an ambulance I have a little flutter of worry and hope they are safe. I think it's fairly normal.

Really interesting reading everyone's take on this, thank you.

I have this too and it’s so annoying because sometimes they’ll go off looking miserable and you spend all day thinking about them, go and pick them up and they’re happy as anything and you go “so how was school today” and they go “yeah fine thanks“ and I think “tuh, a whole day wasted worrying when they were fine!”

No one is going to live a blissful life, free of worry and stress.

I do find threads like this faintly disquieting, to be honest.

I didn't worry that much about them when they were younger - usual stuff hoping they'd do well in exams and win sports matches they played in, but as soon as they learned to drive, went on nights out, holidays alone and moved to Uni, I did start to be anxious. Especially one of them who is a bit more of a rule-breaker... and I might have messaged a friend of theirs once or twice when they went to ground for a bit (which I massively got it in the ear for after...) but now I realise it's my problem, I don't check up on them and just hope no news is good news.

I'm not really sure what you mean about disquieting, can you say more?

Of course nobody lives a blissful life free of stress. Who really thinks that? It's not a simple binary of having children equalling worry, and not having children equalling a light hearted fun old time!

I grew up in a family where a baby died before I was born which had a profound impact on my family. I developed a lifelong disability in childhood. I have a much loved sibling who unfortunately can never live independently due to SEN. I have now lost both parents to cancer in my 30's.

When I think of a much-longed for child of my own, I think of all these things, that could not have been prevented, and I wonder how I'd cope with the worrying.

Yes I worry about my daughter and if she's not happy, I'm not happy. But it's worth it for me.

@TrappedInSlothBody , I didn’t really mean you specifically as I appreciate you are talking in the abstract.

In general sort of terms though, I think to make someone else living their life - assuming it is a normal sort of life and not one fuelled by crime or similar - a drama to the extent that you say you’d prefer not to have had children at all a really egotistical sort of statement and one which is incredibly controlling.

Of course we love our children and suffer when they suffer, but they will suffer. Having parents who want you to live a life of near constant bliss and trouble free waters because otherwise they get upset, they worry and stress, they become all agitated and wound up - is exhausting and extremely isolating, because you can’t just mention ordinary annoying events that aren’t great but happen to a lot of people.

To be honest it is also a classic tactic some people use to make something about them and not the other person, which isn’t what love is, it’s what control is, and I think that’s what I find disquieting.

Having parents who want you to live a life of near constant bliss and trouble free waters because otherwise theyget upset,theyworry and stress,theybecome all agitated and wound up - is exhausting and extremely isolating, because you can’t just mention ordinary annoying events that aren’t great but happen to a lot of people.

Yeah that's really not what I was talking about and not what anyone else on the thread was describing at all @Wildflowersinthemeadow

But cheers for your malicious little barbs about being egotistical and controlling