Why are single people looked down on so much?

[IsThereAnEchoInHere]

It just doesn’t make sense to me?
Why do people care so much?
It’s one thing if they want or can’t live without a relationship, but why do they impose it to others?

I don't think anyone looks down on single people, some may pity them if that's what you mean, but that's stupid as there are many, many, many people who are unhappy in a couple.

I do find it bizarre. I understand when people are stuck in a relationship because of financial reasons. However, I have a friend who basically can't stand her husband yet she won't leave him (financially would be strained, but not impossible and probably better off as she probably earns much more than him), she says "better the devil you know". It baffles me.

I don't care if people look down on me for not being in a relationship. I don't think my friends do but I'm too old to care. But I do feel like I get treated as some sort of second class citizen. The govt always talks about hard-working families. They never talk about hard working single people. There's never any policies trumpeted about what they can do for us.
And on another thread a new mother was asking if they could be more likely to be given more days flexi time because they have children over those that didn't. Like single people should do the stuff sainted parents don't want to. (I know single doesn't equal child-free, but it often does. )
It's just a lack of consideration that actually single people live on this planet, too. We pay taxes. Maybe we could get some sort of tax break or practical benefit from govt policies.

I agree with you on this. Even in a couple I did feel like this, basically you're paying so many taxes and you don't reap many of the benefits. Same with at work, parents are given all this flexibility but the same doesn't apply to people without children. You pay the most, use the least and produce the least waste, yet you're treated as a cash cow that doesn't actually count as a human being. I know I felt like that at times, so I do sympathise.

Yes. Thank you. Exactly.

I don't really feel lookedcdown on in day to day interactions, with friends, colleagues, shops, etc. Maybe I'm too insensitive or unaware to notice or care. But there's a systemic bias against single people in this country.

I totally agree with you and I understand. Of course no one does look down on you, but I get why sometimes it can feel this way

Neither did I !
Im a widow.
Friend A is divorced.
Friend B has never been married and split with long term partner 20 odd years ago.
Are we looked down on differently or in the same way ?

I totally agree with you and I understand. Of course no one does look down on you, but I get why sometimes it can feel this way

Ive never thought I've been looked down in life and it's not that I feel looked down on as an individual amongst my friends, colleagues, etc. I just feel like single people as a homogenous group are valued less and treated with less respect within society. And so I guess I do think I am looked down on by those who formulate the system. That makes me feel quite sad really.

I was pointing it out here, to make a point come across.
It more okey to be ’single’ if you’re hooking-up/have fwb’s, at least having the sex part etc.

I don’t understand why staying single all my life is an ’extreme stance’ as you say, makes it sound we all must be in one, that it’s inevitable no matter person themswlves want.

Op do you look up to couples and think they are doing so much better than me?

Do you feel lesser because you don't have a partner?

If you explain your thinking a bit more we can perhaps help you feel less like a second hand citizen.

Brilliant! 🤣

@blueigloo

so you think being single and not dating is ‘odd’ that its an ‘extreme stance’ and that if we don’t ‘ disclose’ we won’t be treated any differently.

I wasn’t aware that being single was a ‘stance’, extreme or otherwise, but if I keep it a secret nonone will think any less of me, pity me or think I’m odd

that says a lot about you

Hi OP my church did a really interesting series on singleness recently. I hadn’t stopped to appreciate how counter cultural singleness is in our society.

From the age of about 14 everyone was asking when I was going to get a boyfriend.

It made me think much more consciously about how I parent and also how I approach the topic with single friends. I will never again ask about a single friends love life unless they mention it first or joke about setting them up with someone.

If anyone wants the Spotify link to the talk the church did feel free to PM me.

I've been 'single single' since 2002! Not once have I ever felt that anyone looks down on me! Why? Because I'm a confident, independent, well-respected, professional person, with a great circle of friends, family and colleagues.

(I'm a woman, but I don't think that's relevant to this conversation!)

If you're feeling 'looked down on' OP, it's probably more to do with how you project yourself, than your 'single' status. Maybe work on that?

I think this perspective is exactly what the OP is talking about.

The idea that preferring being single to being in a relationship is an "extreme" position is at the heart of this view. The idea that being in a settled relationship is the optimal way to live and that people who eschew this are outliers.

This is a very common view, whether explicit or not, and this is what makes some single people feel alienated from society.

I've never met someone who has complained about this sort of thing who didn't have a chip on their shoulder generally.

My brother is a right whiny git, complains left right and centre. His perceived poor treatment as a single person is just another chance to moan. And even that's bollocks, as he's had an on off girlfriend for fifteen years.

Happy, confident people - married, single, whatever - are too busy being happy and confident to even notice someone trying to look down on them.

I agree with the OP. I think it contributes to people remaining in bad relationships or worse (not that in any way it excuses any behaviour).

I’ve been single for about 15 years now, although with children. There is judgement. I think it unsettles people. I think it frightens some people because it challenges where they see themselves, their expectations of what life should look like and the realisation that someone elses’s life is viable even when doing it differently. Most people accept it, but there are those in my aquaintance circle who Feel the need to talk about it when they see me, ask if I’m dating, are fake horrified I’m not.

I have a couple of friends who are long term single and have never married or had children. Their experiences are similar. Interestingly enough, all 3 of us are only children and I often wonder if that has any baring on it.

It's a thing! I've been a single parent for over a decade and I've experienced this so many times. I could write a thesis on all the times I've been pitied, patronised, looked down on, treated differently, etc just because I'm a single parent.

Yes, not everyone is like that but a significant proportion are.

My experiences span different areas, people from different social classes, people of different ethnicities, people from different cultures... it's bloody everywhere.

I think it unsettles people. I think it frightens some people because it challenges where they see themselves, their expectations of what life should look like and the realisation that someone elses’s life is viable even when doing it differently.

But this applies to literally fucking everything. Not just the experience of being single.

Parenting differently, working differently, SAHM/WOHM, different hobbies, tastes, behaviours.

Some people - quite a lot of them in fact - are bloody awful at understanding that others simply live their lives differently, and get a bit spooked by it. MN is littered with them.

I think the message society gives is that life is better/easier (emotionally/financially) to be in a couple.

So lots of people fear being alone. And that causes them to hang onto unsuitable relationships and fall quickly into new (and also unsuitable) relationships.

You have liberated yourself from that fear op.

We all get judged for something. I have disabled kids and was judged for having a third child, giving up work and ending up on benefits.

The big difference is that I am too busy getting on with - and enjoying - my life to bother about being judged. I have experienced some terrible stuff in my life and want to grab every piece of happiness I possibly can.

Wow! Calm down mate. I wasn’t necessarily talking about romantic love and companionship - but surely everyone needs to feel loved? Even if it’s by a pet or a family member?

I’m happily married and in the nicest way, I do wish for single people to find love and companionship (in whatever form).

Why on earth do you assume single people arent loved by pets or family members?

Because there are probably married people who arent loved by pets and family members and single people who are, so if its only the single people you are wishing for that's just based on your assumptions that single people dont have love in their life

But you've assumed single people don't have that. Which is frankly odd.

I didn’t feel this from friends when I was single - but then they were my friends so IMO not dickheads.

However I have experienced the occasional chat when someone who’s married talks to me about their/our single friend and how “worried” they are about them. So the looking down on - dunno - but the pity/anxiety for them is sometimes real I think. I think it’s partly just a desire from some people to put everyone into a box of some kind - being in a relationship is possibly looked on as more “tidy”? But also partly a genuine concern that the person might be lonely - now or in the future.

If it’s relevant, I’ve heard similar comments about men and women who are single.