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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Why are single people looked down on so much?

163 replies

IsThereAnEchoInHere · 01/06/2023 19:33

It just doesn’t make sense to me?
Why do people care so much?
It’s one thing if they want or can’t live without a relationship, but why do they impose it to others?

OP posts:
SemperIdem · 01/06/2023 22:51

Screamingabdabz · 01/06/2023 22:37

I’m happily married and in the nicest way, I do wish for single people to find love and companionship (in whatever form). But only because I remember the pain and loneliness of being single in my twenties. I certainly don’t ‘look down’ on single people. In my secret fantasy life I’m single and having a ball! I envy their freedom and opportunities.

In the nicest way, it is really sad you could only find happiness being in a relationship.

echt · 01/06/2023 22:52

OP, you mention confirmation bias so have a look at egocentricity bias, which, in the absence of any evidence from you as to the behaviours which make you feel looked down on as a single person, could fit the bill.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Egocentric_bias

When I was single, I never experienced this.

However, ss a widow, I find that often I am only invited to dinner with another single female, never a couple. When my late DH was alive, we were invited as a couple. Also, shedloads of friends have just disappeared. Both phenomena are noted by other widows I know. Not a statistical sample, but there you go.

Egocentric bias - Wikipedia

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Egocentric_bias

CharlottenBurger · 01/06/2023 22:55

Nevermind31 · 01/06/2023 22:26

I think there is a certain type of woman, the one who has always been in a relationship since her early teens, who defines her self worth by “being wanted”, and therefore being better than “not being wanted”. Single women are a threat, because they want to “take her man away”, but at the same time, “wanted woman” feels good about herself because she “has achieved more” than single women.
I’d also say these women cluster together, wear lulu lemon exercise gear, have bouncy hair and lunch. But that would be generalising.
everyone else doesn’t care

Sounds pretty accurate to me.

Thepeopleversuswork · 01/06/2023 22:57

I think people are being a bit disingenuous with the wide-eyed "who looks down on single people" shtick. Yes of course there are progressive, intelligent people who understand that being single can be a choice, and a good, liberating choice. And thankfully the numbers of these people are growing.

But there are a lot of people in society, probably a majority, who for a variety of reasons they probably don't fully understand, find single people to be objects of either pity, fear or bemusement.

The reasons are different and complex and to list a few I'd say:

a) A hangover from an age led by religious morality where women who were not attached were considered to be either frighteningly loose-moralled or unmarriageable. While most people are not religious any more, there's an echo of this in today's attitude to single people.

b) Convention: a lot of people are pretty basic and aren't capable of much independent thought so they assume anyone who doesn't follow a default path has something suspect about them. And being part of a couple is the default path for most people.

c) Misogyny: Men have done very well for millennia convincing women that they need men to protect them etc and have very successfully conveyed the idea that a woman without a man is a woman who has been rejected by men.

d) Fear that someone is going to change your dynamic: couples sometimes appear to be unsettled by single people for reasons I don't understand.

e) Jealousy: I think a lot of people in bad or suboptimal relationships envy single people their independence and experience this as some sort of implied criticism of their own relationships.

There is definitely still some stigma against single people. Few people are crass enough to come out and say: "Why are you single?" But you can often tell people wonder about it.

Jifmicroliquid · 01/06/2023 22:58

Im single by choice and have never felt lonely or unhappy. In fact the times I’ve felt most unhappy were when I was in a relationship. It’s just not for me and I’ve got no desire to ever try again.
But I honestly don’t feel anyone has ever looked down on me. Perhaps they’ve thought it unusual but if so, that’s their problem.

CharlottenBurger · 01/06/2023 22:59

I have a lovely relative aged 30 who was reluctant to meet cousins of her mother, one of whom had travelled half way around the world, because she didn't want to be asked why she 'wasn't married yet'. I fully get where she's at.

Thepeopleversuswork · 01/06/2023 23:00

CharlottenBurger · 01/06/2023 22:59

I have a lovely relative aged 30 who was reluctant to meet cousins of her mother, one of whom had travelled half way around the world, because she didn't want to be asked why she 'wasn't married yet'. I fully get where she's at.

God how utterly depressing.

JeandeServiette · 01/06/2023 23:03

IsThereAnEchoInHere · 01/06/2023 19:51

I probably should specify that I mean single, single.
I don’t date, or have ’arrangements’ or hook-up, don’t talk about anyone’s looks or dating or whatever, or plan to date/marry in the future.
So, I’m not talking about being single for couple of weeks thpe of thing.

And definetly get a second-class-citizen kind of treatment because of that.

It might baffle some (unimaginative, conventional) people but I doubt it's looked down on. Just have some good conversation killers ready if people try to persuade you to date.

bellsandwhistles333 · 01/06/2023 23:03

My sister in law is 37 beautiful and funny, has never had a romantic relationship that we are aware of, does not want children at all and lives alone.

She has a great group of friends and a good job and hobbies etc. I must admit I am curious in some fashion but I don't look down on her one bit If anything Im frequently jealous or her lifestyle and free time!

There's ups and downs to every lifestyle I guess but I don't think ones more valuable than the other

CharlottenBurger · 01/06/2023 23:04

Thepeopleversuswork · 01/06/2023 23:00

God how utterly depressing.

To be fair, one of the cousins (female) would be totally cool, not even ask, and the other (male) not. Both aged 82.

Applecoresweet · 01/06/2023 23:06

In my experience nobody cares if someone else is single or married or dating or with a partner unless whatever their situation is makes them unhappy.

ISeeMisledPeople · 01/06/2023 23:13

Screamingabdabz · 01/06/2023 22:37

I’m happily married and in the nicest way, I do wish for single people to find love and companionship (in whatever form). But only because I remember the pain and loneliness of being single in my twenties. I certainly don’t ‘look down’ on single people. In my secret fantasy life I’m single and having a ball! I envy their freedom and opportunities.

While I'm sure some single people will think your wish is nice, please realise there are plenty of us singles out here that aren't looking for 'love and companionship'. It's kind of odd that you envy us out freedom, but also wish for us not to have it...

Can you just imagine how well it would go down, a single person wishing that happily coupled up people become single in order to find the freedom and opportunities that it offers?

Notsuretoputit · 01/06/2023 23:14

I’m also surprised by these responses, OP.

I’m in my mid 30s and have been single for a long time, and being looked down upon is definitely, definitely a thing.

It’s like pity. ‘Bless her, she’ll find someone one day’, type of thing.

Younger women are also treated as ‘adult’ in conversations, when they’re married and have a baby, whereas I often feel like people have frozen me in time as a teenager, despite having a successful career, great life etc.

I think, for those who do look down on people who are single, it’s a combination of feeling smug that they’ve ‘found’ someone who wants them, and we haven’t, and jealousy, that some women are able to forge on ahead unencumbered by men, whilst they are in a relationship they don’t really want to be in, but it’s much better than being single and feeling pitied and look down upon…

outofthebleu · 01/06/2023 23:17

@Notsuretoputit I agree. To most, it's much better to be in a bad relationship than not to be in a relationship at all.

SamW98 · 01/06/2023 23:18

Maybe it’s because I’m older (50’s) but I genuinely don’t give a shot if anyone looks down on me, feels sorry for me etc.

I was in a 25 year relationship that drifted (still on very amicable terms with my ex), had a pretty mediocre 2 year rebound relationship possibly because I didn’t know how to be on my own and now single 3 years.

Im very comfortable in my own skin and other peoples opinions really don’t affect me. I don’t dare - it just doesn’t happen for whatever reason. If I do meet someone or I don’t, that really doesn’t define me as a person.

Notsuretoputit · 01/06/2023 23:50

SamW98 · 01/06/2023 23:18

Maybe it’s because I’m older (50’s) but I genuinely don’t give a shot if anyone looks down on me, feels sorry for me etc.

I was in a 25 year relationship that drifted (still on very amicable terms with my ex), had a pretty mediocre 2 year rebound relationship possibly because I didn’t know how to be on my own and now single 3 years.

Im very comfortable in my own skin and other peoples opinions really don’t affect me. I don’t dare - it just doesn’t happen for whatever reason. If I do meet someone or I don’t, that really doesn’t define me as a person.

Which is great, but it doesn’t explain why some people look down on those who are single.

larkstar · 02/06/2023 00:54

Speak for yourself and don't assume your personal experience or opinions extend to everyone else - frankly - I have no idea why you made this statement @IsThereAnEchoInHere

echt · 02/06/2023 01:00

Which is great, but it doesn’t explain why some people look down on those who are single

Who are these people? How is this disdain manifested?

Ilovemycatalot · 02/06/2023 01:07

Actually thinking about it I do kind of get where you are coming from OP. I think if your long term single ppl assume you have no sexual desires and are just heading for the stereotype of a lonely cat lady ( I am long term single and have a cat so no doubt have that stereotype already!)

Aslanplustwo · 02/06/2023 01:18

I've been single for much of my adult life and haven't noticed anyone looking down on me.

blueigloo · 02/06/2023 01:23

To be honest I think your attitude to dating is a bit odd. I genuinely only felt judged for being single when I was at school because there was peer pressure to have sex and be seen in a relationship. But I’m in my 20s now and I think everyone’s grown up from that after dodgy experiences. No one cares about your relationship status but if you’re saying you’re “single single” with no desire to date and single for life, that’s a bit odd. It’s an extreme stance, you don’t need to disclose that to people who ask if you’re seeing anyone. If they don’t know that, they’re not going to treat you differently from a “temporarily single” person. Every human has been single at some point, it’s not remarkable

larkstar · 02/06/2023 01:26

Take the lady that lives across the road from me and 2 doors down - mid 50's, husband died more than a decade ago. She smiles or we say hello if I'm in the garden and she walks past with her dog - our conversations are short but friendly - I'm more talkative and open, she likes to keep things brief - she's the same with my wife. She drives a relatively nice, newish car, likes to look after her garden and house - really - I don't spend any time thinking very deeply about her or her life, past or present - if I don't think I know someone or know much about their life I really can't form much of an opinion and I certainly don't waste any time speculating - we have our brief conversations and off she goes and I get back to thinking about my gardening. I think most people have plenty going on in their own lives and inside their own heads that they really don't have the time or interest to think too deeply, if at all, about the lives of others.

EBearhug · 02/06/2023 01:36

AlizeeEasy · 01/06/2023 19:54

I do think life is set up for couples. I earn above average salary but have no hopes of buying a house (even a small one) because of having one salary

This. My mother noticed it particularly after Dad died (didn't notice or care all the years before then when i was single, though.) And there are people (in couples) who would rather invite others as a couple rather than the awkward single, though that says more about them than me. Plus one wedding, I was seated on the children's table (in my 20s) rather than at a proper adults table with all the couples.

Having said that, I don't think most people are bothered, but, having recently, in my early 50s, fallen into a relationship, (do not do OLD just to prove someone wrong that it doesn't work...) while I've rarely had bad service in restaurants and hotels, it does seem to be that bit better with someone else, just a bit more concern about whether we're having a good time or celebrating a special occasion or if there's anything they can do. I wasn't expecting it, and it has surprised me.

Allmyghosts · 02/06/2023 01:53

I do feel it a bit now I'm in my 40s tbh. I don't care tho. Next door is on my radar now. He looks like gru from that Disney film haha. I could use a man to do shit, however every man I have actually been with is useless as fuck.

DPotter · 02/06/2023 03:32

I don't think they are looked down on. I'm occasionally jealous !

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