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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Step child holiday care

89 replies

KnackeredMum12 · 31/05/2023 23:52

I have a six week old (mine and DH) and my 7 year old who I share custody of with my ExH. I am on maternity leave from the NHS but am still doing a professional MSc (funded) whilst on leave. My husband works long hours in a job he got recently following the collapse of his business. Due to this I do all Baby related care and night waking (breastfeeding). I have a Uni deadline on Monday and have been quite stressed about it. On Monday he informed me my stepdaughter would be coming over on Wednesday and that I would need to look after her as he and his ex were working (she is 12) I had not been consulted about this and assumed that it was obvious I was not able to take on another child over half term due to sleep deprivation, deadline etc. My DSD is lovely but very high needs and has behaved badly since the new baby arrived . I have explained that my mental health is more important than her feeling bored at her Mum's house and that if he wants to have her extra over holidays then he should book holiday. His normal arrangement is EoW. He shouted at me and called me a selfish b*tch. AIBU to say I can't manage her care as well as my other children?

OP posts:
EasterBreak · 31/05/2023 23:54

Yanbu. She has 2 parents and you are neither of them.

OrchardBlack · 31/05/2023 23:57

He called you a selfish bitch?? Christ that's obscene and horrible.

No YANBU.

It's threads like this that make me grateful I am no longer a SM. He's being V unreasonable.

Opaque11 · 31/05/2023 23:57

Your big issue should be the way he speaks to you. I wouldn't be doing anyone favours who spoke to me that way. Her childcare is for her parents to sort out, not your problem!

AllGussiedUp · 31/05/2023 23:59

She has 2 parents, it’s not your responsibility.

But, get rid of this man who only sees his 12 year old EOW, has taken a job which means he now parents even less, doesn’t support you if care about your wellbeing and calls you names when you don’t do what he wants.

Poor kids, all of them.

Forgetmenott · 01/06/2023 00:01

Not your child, nor your responsibility.

BungleandGeorge · 01/06/2023 00:02

He’s not pulling his weight with his existing child, he really should be doing more than eow but he’s not and now he’s not pulling his weight in your family either. Would you be happy for him to
use his annual leave for childcare rather than spend it with you? Are you going to get any work done with a small baby and a 7 year old?

Tinkerbyebye · 01/06/2023 00:10

I would simply point out she has 2 parents, and is their responsibility and if anyone is being selfish it’s him

greyhairnomore · 01/06/2023 00:27

No, and if he spoke to me like that he could fuck right off

PussyGalore1 · 01/06/2023 07:02

Stick to your guns, otherwise they will keep taking advantage. The child has 2 parents and it is their responsibility to look after her.
why did you have a child with a man who has such a shitty attitude, prepare to be a single parent and get your ducks in a row. Now you have a child together , he sees you as a possession that he can control. It’s a massive red flag 🚩

Quinoawoman · 01/06/2023 07:05

greyhairnomore · 01/06/2023 00:27

No, and if he spoke to me like that he could fuck right off

Yep, this.

Ragwort · 01/06/2023 07:07

The father of your six week old baby called you a bitch ! You have a bigger problem than minding your DSD Shock

Aprilx · 01/06/2023 07:08

Well at first I was thinking she is 12 and surely won’t require much attention, but then I read the bit about her high needs and then the bit about you being called a selfish bitch. So no, I would also be disinclined to help out

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 01/06/2023 07:09

I was about to say how much care can a 12 year old really need. They’re old enough to be told that you’re busy and they’ll have to amuse themselves.

but the way he spoke to you about it. No, he can get stuffed. He should be asking you as a favour not expecting it. Her parents can sort things out and he can fuck off!

nahwhale · 01/06/2023 07:16

Monday he informed me my stepdaughter would be coming over on Wednesday and that I would need to look after her as he and his ex were working (she is 12)

Seriously who does he think he is? Why does he feel entitled to inform you of what you will be doing? Is he controlling in other ways? Is this new since the baby?

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. For me it isn't even about if you could looking after the 12 year old or not. It's about the way he has spoken to you. Please consider contacting womens aid.

ZekeZeke · 01/06/2023 07:22

You had a baby with a man who only sees his child eow - red flag there from the beginning.

He doesn't help with childcare and works long hours.
What use is he?

Jagoda · 01/06/2023 07:22

Wow! You married a Prince Among Men!!

Stick to your guns, and when you’re up to it, sit down and make it clear that his DD is his responsibility.

DrMarciaFieldstone · 01/06/2023 07:26

You’re not backup childcare for them; they need to find their own solutions, but you’d be better off without all of it by the sounds of it, you deserve better

rainyalan · 01/06/2023 07:28

A 12 year old doesn't need childcare.

funinthesun19 · 01/06/2023 07:30

rainyalan · 01/06/2023 07:28

A 12 year old doesn't need childcare.

She could stay at her mum’s then until her mum finishes work.

nahwhale · 01/06/2023 07:33

funinthesun19 · 01/06/2023 07:30

She could stay at her mum’s then until her mum finishes work.

Show quote history

I thought that but there was mention of additional needs.

Also, I'm guessing there's a maintenance calculation based on overnights so dad will be keen to make sure he stays in the bracket.

Still not your problem OP.

nahwhale · 01/06/2023 07:33

Jagoda · 01/06/2023 07:22

Wow! You married a Prince Among Men!!

Stick to your guns, and when you’re up to it, sit down and make it clear that his DD is his responsibility.

I mean it should be obvious to him ao if she's having to make it clear then there's a massive irreparable issue imo

DustyLee123 · 01/06/2023 07:34

You need to put your foot down and stop this. You are not their baby sitter.
‘But be prepared for him to do nothing with your child.

PTSDBarbiegirl · 01/06/2023 07:37

Sorry you are in this difficult situation. I'd say that these are red flags, I'm sure you're aware of that but you have a tiny baby so hang back for the moment on 'L'ing TB'. No, you won't be able to accommodate his suggestion. Does his ex realise he's doing this. Could it be that he agreed ages ago to having the DSD then forgot/didn't Factor in how difficult it would all be.. Regardless, speaking to you like that is unacceptable. It's easy to say that but it doesn't change, it just gets worse. I was in similar situation and left after 10 years, I truly wish I'd left when pregnant as the red flags were there from day 1 but I just didn't want to accept he was like this. 15 years after me leaving he is exactly the same in other relationships. I'd let him know he needs to speak to ex and THEY need to sort it out. Can you get your health visitor out, you need to get your nest all tidied out so you can relax and rest between times.

Bbqshowdownusa · 01/06/2023 07:39

Put your foot down and also leave the vile man.

Brocolibee · 01/06/2023 07:41

No it's not your responsibility, it was unacceptable for him to talk to you like that, if he's always not been arsed with his children sounds like you need wishing good luck with yours.

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