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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Step child holiday care

89 replies

KnackeredMum12 · 31/05/2023 23:52

I have a six week old (mine and DH) and my 7 year old who I share custody of with my ExH. I am on maternity leave from the NHS but am still doing a professional MSc (funded) whilst on leave. My husband works long hours in a job he got recently following the collapse of his business. Due to this I do all Baby related care and night waking (breastfeeding). I have a Uni deadline on Monday and have been quite stressed about it. On Monday he informed me my stepdaughter would be coming over on Wednesday and that I would need to look after her as he and his ex were working (she is 12) I had not been consulted about this and assumed that it was obvious I was not able to take on another child over half term due to sleep deprivation, deadline etc. My DSD is lovely but very high needs and has behaved badly since the new baby arrived . I have explained that my mental health is more important than her feeling bored at her Mum's house and that if he wants to have her extra over holidays then he should book holiday. His normal arrangement is EoW. He shouted at me and called me a selfish b*tch. AIBU to say I can't manage her care as well as my other children?

OP posts:
beachcitygirl · 01/06/2023 09:37

I would be planning my exit from this relationship. It's not healthy for you or either of your kids to live with a man who speaks to you this way.

If you can, take your kids & go to your parents for a bit. If not. Then just give him a hard no (& mean it)
If sc arrives go out with both your kids. Don't take her. Mum or dad will have to decide if they want to leave her alone.

I am always the type who thinks families should come and go with childcare ( I'm a step parent and a first wife) so I see both sides.
But it should always be done with the greatest respect and an acknowledgment of gratitude for the favour it is.

How dare he speak to you this way.
I'm utterly incensed on your behalf.

ShimmeringShirts · 01/06/2023 09:43

I can see why he has an ex and only sees his kid EOW. I’d be ditching him too, absolutely no one gets to speak to you like that.

ShimmeringShirts · 01/06/2023 09:45

Eas he like this before you had the baby or is it a recent thing? If it’s a recent thing I would start planning your exit, abuse can often start during pregnancy or after birth when the man feels like he has you under his control. You’re vulnerable and unable to see clearly due to exhaustion and sleep deprivation and they break you down further.

MargotBamborough · 01/06/2023 09:46

The father of your 6 week old baby shouted at you and called you a selfish bitch for not providing free childcare for a full day when you have a tiny baby and a uni deadline?

Jesus.

Of those three things (a six week old, a 7 year old and a uni deadline) I would only want to be dealing with one of them at a time and the six week old obviously takes priority.

I would only take on a 7 year old in addition to a 6 week old if they were my own child, or else in an absolutely dire emergency and where their parent had asked very very nicely. It would be out of the question if they had called me a selfish bitch.

I would not do a masters degree at the same time as having such a young baby but you have chosen to do so and obviously that needs to be your second priority.

Your husband is massively taking the piss. He needs to apologise to you and sort out his own childcare.

I hope this is a one off and not a snapshot of your relationship in general.

gogohmm · 01/06/2023 09:53

Yabu, you have had a baby with a man who already has a child, at 12 she can be ignored in the house too. I would thought it was a given that she would come over to be with her new half sibling during the holidays.

I would never dream of saying to dp he needs to take time off to do things for my dsd's when I'm at home.

gogohmm · 01/06/2023 09:54

He on the other hand spoke very rudely, the question begs why have you had a baby with him?

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/06/2023 09:56

He’s horrible, I’m really sorry.

You need a plan for what to do if he just decides she’s coming and he’s still going to work, is there somewhere you and your two can go to the night before?

Babsexxx · 01/06/2023 09:59

What ever bother is it for her own mum to have her?! I remember having to navigate from 1-2 dc that’s hard enough without what you’ve got going on! Your oh is a selfish prick it’s not like you’ll be any fun for her either between studying and a newborn!

ZenNudist · 01/06/2023 10:00

Ragwort · 01/06/2023 07:07

The father of your six week old baby called you a bitch ! You have a bigger problem than minding your DSD Shock

This. Suggest a short separation for him to think about how he can treat you with respect in the future.

You're doing all the baby care so fuck it. What use is he?

aSofaNearYou · 01/06/2023 10:04

YANBU, he should never be "informing" you you are doing this, he should be asking, nicely. And I would never do childcare again for a man that called me a "selfish bitch" for not doing it.

Joeylove88 · 01/06/2023 10:09

Yeah if my partner tried telling me what to do and called me a selfish bitch for saying no (quite rightly) then he could fuck right off! No favours for an entitled asshole!

mainsfed · 01/06/2023 10:26

I hope OP hasn't been back because she's getting some rest, and not because she's given in to her selfish H's demands Sad

whumpthereitis · 01/06/2023 10:35

Sunsetandsmiles · 01/06/2023 09:14

OP the way your DH has spoken to is completely out of order.

I’m not saying you should have accepted and done what he said but I have to disagree that your SD is not your issue though. Does your DH help with your DD? I assume, since you live together and got married, that he has taken on part role of raising DD?
I live with DP and have kids from previous relationship. DP took on me and my kids as a team and I’ve taken on his. If he told me my kids/childcare issues were not his problem that would be a deal breaker. That’s not how families work.

Who says she hasn’t taken on his on the days she’s there? ‘Taking on’ doesn’t have to mean ‘provide childcare’ though, especially when she’s on leave looking after her baby and her older child. He can’t just assume that he can expect her to take on another child with a high level of need when her hands are already full.

there is no one way in which families work, we all get to decide what is and isn’t acceptable to us in regards to our own.

Mama2six · 01/06/2023 10:39

So he does nothing for the child he has with you and now wants you to look after his child whilst you’re busy with a baby and work to do and I guess all the housework and cooking too? Get your standards off the floor and get out whilst your baby is young before your child grows up in a toxic environment. Him calling you a bitch is not a respectful relationship. You can do better and both you and your child deserve better

CornishGem1975 · 01/06/2023 10:49

YANBU. It's not your responsibility. I WFH and have my kids during the holidays but DH arranges other childcare for his on the days he has them. He doesn't expect me to look after them as well.

Wishitsnows · 01/06/2023 10:54

Sounds like his ex had a lucky escape. It is worrying he think he can speak to you in that way. Sounds like you need to carefully consider your future

Reugny · 01/06/2023 10:58

gogohmm · 01/06/2023 09:53

Yabu, you have had a baby with a man who already has a child, at 12 she can be ignored in the house too. I would thought it was a given that she would come over to be with her new half sibling during the holidays.

I would never dream of saying to dp he needs to take time off to do things for my dsd's when I'm at home.

Step parents, particularly step mothers, are not free childcare for parents to dump their own child on when the parents are working or just want free time.

If you want a child to grow up having issues with their actual parents then dump them on their step parent, a person who can walk away from their parent at any time.

mainsfed · 01/06/2023 11:01

Sunsetandsmiles · 01/06/2023 09:14

OP the way your DH has spoken to is completely out of order.

I’m not saying you should have accepted and done what he said but I have to disagree that your SD is not your issue though. Does your DH help with your DD? I assume, since you live together and got married, that he has taken on part role of raising DD?
I live with DP and have kids from previous relationship. DP took on me and my kids as a team and I’ve taken on his. If he told me my kids/childcare issues were not his problem that would be a deal breaker. That’s not how families work.

Her newborn baby is tiny and DSD is difficult.

Where is your empathy?

Your team analogy is not helping OP.

MyrrAgain · 01/06/2023 11:03

You have a 6 week old. The answer is no.

And you're doing fantastic to be doing the course at the same time. Maybe they can give you an extension on the submission if it feels too much (regardless of the 12 year old coming or not). Uni should have some guidance regarding this, but speak to the course as being postpartum can count!!

Vote with your feet and go out for the day with baby and your laptop to a café.

FinallyHere · 01/06/2023 11:06

On Monday he informed me my stepdaughter would be coming over on Wednesday and that I would need to look after her as he and his ex were working (she is 12) I had not been consulted about this

For this alone, I would in your shoes not be providing any childcare. Let the parents do it or make decent arrangements, not just assume you will do it.

Sorry you are struggling. You have taken on a lot and must prioritise your own DC and your education.

All the very best.

Sunsetandsmiles · 01/06/2023 11:50

mainsfed · 01/06/2023 11:01

Her newborn baby is tiny and DSD is difficult.

Where is your empathy?

Your team analogy is not helping OP.

Show quote history

At no point did I say OP should have provided childcare on this specific occasion.

I said I disagree with pp all saying SD is not OPs issue. You don’t marry someone with a child then say their child is not your issue but DH lives with and helps raise your child from your previous relationship. Double standards there!

The issue I would have here is the way OP was spoken to by DH. He was clearly an arsehole.

Naunet · 01/06/2023 13:30

gogohmm · 01/06/2023 09:53

Yabu, you have had a baby with a man who already has a child, at 12 she can be ignored in the house too. I would thought it was a given that she would come over to be with her new half sibling during the holidays.

I would never dream of saying to dp he needs to take time off to do things for my dsd's when I'm at home.

She’s studying for an exam, are women not allowed to do things for themselves and focus on their own careers if the man they married can’t be arsed to parent their own children?

Naunet · 01/06/2023 13:31

Sunsetandsmiles · 01/06/2023 11:50

At no point did I say OP should have provided childcare on this specific occasion.

I said I disagree with pp all saying SD is not OPs issue. You don’t marry someone with a child then say their child is not your issue but DH lives with and helps raise your child from your previous relationship. Double standards there!

The issue I would have here is the way OP was spoken to by DH. He was clearly an arsehole.

Show quote history

You don’t marry someone with a child then say their child is not your issue

You seem confused, you don’t have your own children and then say your child that you made a choice to create, is not your issue.

Sunsetandsmiles · 01/06/2023 13:43

Naunet · 01/06/2023 13:31

You don’t marry someone with a child then say their child is not your issue

You seem confused, you don’t have your own children and then say your child that you made a choice to create, is not your issue.

Show quote history

Nope, not confused at all.

At what point did anyone say that?

TunnocksOrDeath · 01/06/2023 13:53

He should never never never talk to you like this.
Your child from a previous relationship lives with you & him at least 50% of the time. His child from a previous relationship comes over every other weekend? Perhaps he figured some "extra" days for his child wouldn't be unfair, but that's no excuse for the way he communicated that expectation. YANU for feeling upset about it.