Step child holiday care

[KnackeredMum12]

I have a six week old (mine and DH) and my 7 year old who I share custody of with my ExH. I am on maternity leave from the NHS but am still doing a professional MSc (funded) whilst on leave. My husband works long hours in a job he got recently following the collapse of his business. Due to this I do all Baby related care and night waking (breastfeeding). I have a Uni deadline on Monday and have been quite stressed about it. On Monday he informed me my stepdaughter would be coming over on Wednesday and that I would need to look after her as he and his ex were working (she is 12) I had not been consulted about this and assumed that it was obvious I was not able to take on another child over half term due to sleep deprivation, deadline etc. My DSD is lovely but very high needs and has behaved badly since the new baby arrived . I have explained that my mental health is more important than her feeling bored at her Mum's house and that if he wants to have her extra over holidays then he should book holiday. His normal arrangement is EoW. He shouted at me and called me a selfish b*tch. AIBU to say I can't manage her care as well as my other children?

This.

Their child

Wow. I agree with this. That is completely out of order and a huge red flag...

I’ll reserve my sympathy for your 7 year old having an arsehole like him inflicted on her.
Bet you’ll tell us now that she adores him 🙄

What are his redeeming features?

He shouted at me and called me a selfish btch.*

That’s not acceptable.

You've just had a baby and he calls you a bitch?

Fucking hell.

OP, genuine question - why have you had a baby with someone who calls you a “bitch”?! And why have you inflicted someone like this on your older child?

No this should not be expected of you. He can ask but I would in your situation say no.

Are you suggesting the OP should have known better and she's a bad mother for making a (supposedly) poor choice?

How about some sympathy, empathy, understanding, compassion or useful suggestions?

I would now focus on my exit strategy if I were you OP. His outburst is completely unacceptable.

You're obviously a very bright person, so how have you managed to saddle yourself to such a vile individual? His child, his problem obviously, but shouting and calling you names is unacceptable. I can't imagine it's the first time either. Time to get your financial affairs in order and tell your husband that the next time he talks to you like that will be the last time.

YANBU and your husband sounds like an absolute dick. I'd be taking myself away to stay with family or someone who could actually support me.

Yes, I would be leaving for the week to stay with my parents, who can help with the children while I complete course work.

The SD is the responsibility of her parents.
They need to take time off work, bring her to work, have her stay with her grandparents or put her in a holiday program.

Often this type of behaviour starts or gets much worse in pregnancy/soon after birth. If they were like this from the start a lot less of us would have had DC with men like this.

He was being unreasonable from the start OP, telling you you would be looking after DSD isn't ok. He should have asked and if you said no he should have accepted that and worked out some alternative arrangements for DSDs care. Instead he was abusive and nasty. You deserve better than that.

Your husband sounds horrible. Is this behaviour out of character or is it normal?

do you really want your children to grow up in a house where this behaviour is okay? How would you feel about your daughter being spoke to like this by her husband.

you are of course correct that you can’t take on another child. But there is a much bigger issue here. Your husband has no respect for you.

Right.

So, presumably this is his day to look after his child? His one day in 7?

And he either didn't think about it at all (selfish/thoughtless/inconsiderate) or he did and decided to leave it to you (sexist, misogynistic, selfish/thoughtless/inconsiderate).

When you didn't accommodate his fuck up with open arms, he has chosen to gas light you to make you think you're in the wrong, rather than take any ownership himself (lack of self awareness/always right) and, this is abhorrent, call you names which are completely and utterly unacceptable.

This is LTB territory op, so many horrible character traits being put on display in one snapshot of your life.

You are not remotely unreasonable to say no, absolutely not.

I suspect though he'll just go about his day and leave the women to sort out his shit. (Possibly the poor actual mother who would desperately need a break from doing basically all the parenting of a difficult child).

It's too late for you now op, sorry, but for others - a man who barely sees his child is a massive red flag, do not marry/get pregnant with one, for you'll see very quickly why their previous relationship ended.

I would ask him if he realises what you have to get done in the next few days. If he shows no understanding at all, then he would be moving out!

Leave or kick him out. However the homeowing / renting situation allows but figure out a way out.

Do not stay with him speaking to you like that.

OP the way your DH has spoken to is completely out of order.

I’m not saying you should have accepted and done what he said but I have to disagree that your SD is not your issue though. Does your DH help with your DD? I assume, since you live together and got married, that he has taken on part role of raising DD?
I live with DP and have kids from previous relationship. DP took on me and my kids as a team and I’ve taken on his. If he told me my kids/childcare issues were not his problem that would be a deal breaker. That’s not how families work.

I would be off to stay with my parents/a sister/a friend in order to leave him to sort out his own childcare issues without reference to me.

If the child can be left alone they can be left alone at their mum's house. If they can't then either one of the two relevant parents takes a day off or they pay for childcare. You are not involved.

No, she also has an older child with a different father who is her partner's stepchild.

She can't refuse to look after her stepchild but expect her partner to look after his.

Apologies you are correct.
She can ask her partner for help, he just seems to be telling her though

Oh look, yet another entitled prick who sees women as his personal maid.

Stand your ground OP, the pair of them probably expect to use your Mat leave to babysit 12 year old. Just wait til the summer hols!