Mother in law strain since moving in with her

[Shannon9955]

Me and my partner moved in with his mum and her husband late last year. We have a 13 month old.

I'm from up north, my partner is from down south and he was desperate to move home. We lived together in the north for 5 years. My mum passed away 3 years ago and she was all my family there. So during my maternity leave my partner said let's move back to where I'm from and save to buy by moving in with my parents. Me being hormonal, emotional, all of that fun first time mum mood. I said yes, I transferred my job, moved my whole life. My in laws live away 6 months of the year so I thought that can't be bad. Now 5 months down the line it's honestly the worse choice I've made. I'm starting to resent my partner. I had a lovely relationship with my mother in law prior to this move. I now can't stand her and her husband. Her husband is just horrid. The way he speaks to her, the way he is, everything.

We can't run a hot tap for to long, we can't do more than 2 washes a day. My MIL takes over shopping, plans meals, won't let us cook. At first that was amazing. But she's now planning dinners, not telling us and if we dare buy our own we get a lecture how she's wasted food. On Sunday I said I'll do the shop this time, you have a rest I'll cook for the week. She walks in the next day with a whole shop and said she just done it because she was passing. Gave me our bill and it's £47 for stuff we didn't even want or pick.

Our little girl has only just started sleeping through the night and she's in our room, in her own cot. It's now a huge debate everyday why aren't we moving her in the spare room. What I feed her it's wrong, what I don't feed her it's wrong. I'm dressing her to hot or to cold. I'm not allowing her rough and tumble because I wouldn't let her crawl in the garden where the dogs wee. My MIL had her out there crawling on hard stone and I got her in and said "no, dirty out there" she's letting her go where the dogs wee. I'm trying to be polite about it.

The husband is just awful. To name one Incident, we had nappy bin bag collection day and it was the night before. Our daughter was teething terrible, wouldn't settle on me or my partner we were taking it in turns to settle her. We then remember the bins and I said let's just do it first thing as bins don't come till 9am. At midnight the husband burst in our room while we were asleep and shouted "you've forgot the fucking bins" while our child was sleeping. He was going mad downstairs while I jumped out of bed to sort the bin bags half asleep. All they had to do was put them over the gate which we were doing in the morning. I had to bite my tongue the whole time as I didn't want to wake my daughter. The next day nothing was mentioned. I had my daughters jabs so that was my main focus that day. But since nothing mentioned.

Everything is getting on top of me. I feel like a shit mum like I can't do anything right or it's being judged. I in myself just feel a shell of who I was. I'm so close to losing it but I'm keeping it together for my partner, the environment my daughter lives in and the fact we have to live here. I want out and to rent, a mortgage means nothing to me but happiness does. Again my partner won't do it. So what do I do, break up my family for them?

Definitely you need to have a long term plan.
I'd be trying to be gone or at least a plan in place before they come back. The 6mths they are gone will fly.

Sounds like she enjoys being able to boss everyone around, she feels like she's back in her prime surrounded by small children who had to obey her.
Guess that's why she wanted you there, so that she could belittle you all to make herself feel bigger and more powerful- you have been lured into the trap.
Just do what you can to protect yourself and keep sane ...and move out as soon as poss😬

Don't worry about furniture, loads of people move into their first home with nothing but cast-offs and second hand stuff.

Concentrate on saving. If you can work more hours and save more, that will shorten the waiting time. Use this 6 months of living rent-free to save every penny you can while you have the house to yourselves.

Things may not be so bad when they return, and you'll all have had 6 months of not getting under each other's feet. When they come back, maybe you can say you prefer to shop and cook for yourselves, so you establish a bit more control over outgoings.

If things are no better when they get back, you'll have to decide if it's so unbearable that you need to move into a rental and, if so, whether it's where you are now or if you'd be better off moving back north, where you might be able to buy straight away if prices are lower.

For now, go away for a few days and stay in Dorset if you can, the break will do you good.

I agree the focus needs to be on saving for a deposit and buying costs. The rest you can manage as you go along.

If you're earning £1000 for 2 days work, it sounds like it would be financially worth you paying for childcare and working more days. or working when your DH is not.

No, no you cannot. I am the Mother of 4 boys and I wouldn't dream of telling my DiL what she could and couldn't do with her own child.

@Shannon9955 I sympathise but I'm struggling with some of your grievances to be honest.

You are living with them rent free
Your MIL does all the shopping and cooking for you
I can't see that being asked not to wash more than twice on one day is an issue particularly
They asked you to deal with the nappy bin. You didn't. That would have annoyed me bearing in mind how much is being done for you.
You say when they go abroad for six months you will be paying their bills except council tax. Actually you will be paying the bills your family runs up.
You aren't paying rent but a contribution towards bills and food.
Your MILs standards aren't yours - well you are living rent free in her house.

As a MIL I'd be a bit pissed off with you if I'm honest. I'd also think it reasonable for you to find a childminder and work five days a week rather than three if saving up is so important to you. Even if you only broke even that would get you both out of each others' hair for two more days a week.

I think both sides probably have regrets about the arrangement. It isn't working. Before the next six months are up you and your DH need to put on your big boy and girl pants and move out. Take a little longer to save and be independent. If your DH doesn't want to do that, then perhaps it's time to go your separate ways.

Is it possible that you and your DH are from different cultures and this is a bigger learning step for him than for you and there is a latent expectation that you and DH may stay there and step up to their expectations? If so, I might venture you may need a pair of running shoes with wings.

for the next 3 weeks, spend one week with your grandparents, get through the other 2 until they go.

have 6 months of saving while they are away, be as frugal as possible so save as much as possible.

take a short term let for the 6 months they come back, again as cheap as possible as it’s only 6 months - then go back for the 2nd empty house 6 months with PIL to save more.

We do pay rent. I pay £500 and my partner covers the last £200. Read before commenting

You pay £300 more than him despite having a lower income?! £700 is a lot in 'bills'.

He pays for the car, saves a grand, other expenses to cover us. So I do infact pay less

@Shannon9955 forgive me but I have just reread all of your posts and you mentioned it started as a £200 contribution and then moved to half the bills. I can't see a mention of rent.

FWIW my DS and DIL (29) rent a small flat in London for £1800pcm and pay council tax and their utilities on top. They know they are not yet in a position to buy, let alone have a baby. Under no circumstances would DH or I want them to move in with us. Under no circumstances will I be doing any formal childcare.

They both know that in the 21st Century they will both have to work full-time until they retire.

Me and my i partner were in the position to have a baby and we rented. Our rent was £550 in the north. We managed just fine. The whole point of this thread was living with in laws because my partner wanted to move home and buy. We were perfectly fine. That's my point. My in laws don't do any childcare, as I've mentioned

@SpringNotSprung rent, contributions. Whatever you want to call it we pay our way is what I'm saying

But you're not married, so should the relationship end before you buy together, he'll have ££££ in his bank account, and you'll have nothing? Or is it in a joint account? Sorry I know this isn't what the thread is about, but please protect yourself.

It does feel like your PIL are profiting if they want £700 for bills, have you seen evidence for charging that much? Hopefully you'll actually see the bills while they're away, I'd be wary of subsidising their lifestyle.

@Shannon9955 I wonder if your ILs would agree.

If you can't afford to be entirely self sufficient where you have jointly chosen to live, then you aren't self sufficient and should perhaps have done your sums before moving.

Utilities have doubled this year, council tax and food have gone up, your ILs may have a mortgage. The situation has changed for everyone in the last 6-12 months.

Our utilities, council tax, TV, broadband, etc, and food for three adults come to about £18k per annum. That's £1500 pcm. If the OP is paying c£700 for two additional adults and a baby that seems pretty fair to me.

House prices in the south of the UK are much more expensive. It sounds like they are no support to you so I would opt to return to the North if you have work options there as you will be able to afford to buy much sooner. In the meantime stay with your grandparents gif a few weeks until your PIL go away. Sounds like they have cheap house sitters who also pay their bills although admittedly it will only be you using services. Bad mistake to uproot your life for them regardless of you losing your mum.

Your partner doesn't seem to have a timescale or plan beyond saving money. Until when? Ask him if he plans to focus on moving out and getting your own place whilst his parents are away. In your shoes I wouldn't be staying with him unless there is a definitive, precise answer, and plan of action actually happening. They're his parents not yours and I suspect he'd be quite happy to stay on much longer

Some of your grievances are really justified. But having to pay 40 odd quid for your share of the shopping is not. And why would you need or want to put on more than 3 washings a day?

Why wouldn't you pay the bills while they're gone?! It's not them using the utilities.

Did you give up a Council tenancy ? You could have done an exchange .

house prices will be higher in the South, so surely it wasn’t logical to move as you’d need to save more for a deposit and so probably take just as long .

you won’t find any rents in the South that low I suspect .

This doesn’t make any sense ! If he wanted to buy up North he should have stayed in a secure tenancy with low rent . I doubt you are saving more .

Why is your partner calling all the shots? Why is your happiness less important that what he wants to do? Put your big girl pants on and stand your ground.

My ILs are pretty great, but I would and could not live with them for a long period of time. I would definitely rent (which btw isn't some "worst case scenario", millions of people do it) over doing that.

I would probably suck it up for 3 weeks but then definitely aim to move out by the time they are back. No discussion on that.

Are you getting a share in these savings? Or is your partner saving while you subsidise it (while earning less).

The more I read, the more it sounds like the power balance in your relationship is completely wrong. You have a OH problem, not an IL problem.

I can't believe I'm reading this.
So you have given up your home and job and moved to the other end of the country. You aren't married. You have a child. You earn a lot less but are giving his mum and dad more than double the amount he does.
This big wad of money that he is putting away every month ... please tell me it's a joint savings account?