Mother in law strain since moving in with her

[Shannon9955]

Me and my partner moved in with his mum and her husband late last year. We have a 13 month old.

I'm from up north, my partner is from down south and he was desperate to move home. We lived together in the north for 5 years. My mum passed away 3 years ago and she was all my family there. So during my maternity leave my partner said let's move back to where I'm from and save to buy by moving in with my parents. Me being hormonal, emotional, all of that fun first time mum mood. I said yes, I transferred my job, moved my whole life. My in laws live away 6 months of the year so I thought that can't be bad. Now 5 months down the line it's honestly the worse choice I've made. I'm starting to resent my partner. I had a lovely relationship with my mother in law prior to this move. I now can't stand her and her husband. Her husband is just horrid. The way he speaks to her, the way he is, everything.

We can't run a hot tap for to long, we can't do more than 2 washes a day. My MIL takes over shopping, plans meals, won't let us cook. At first that was amazing. But she's now planning dinners, not telling us and if we dare buy our own we get a lecture how she's wasted food. On Sunday I said I'll do the shop this time, you have a rest I'll cook for the week. She walks in the next day with a whole shop and said she just done it because she was passing. Gave me our bill and it's £47 for stuff we didn't even want or pick.

Our little girl has only just started sleeping through the night and she's in our room, in her own cot. It's now a huge debate everyday why aren't we moving her in the spare room. What I feed her it's wrong, what I don't feed her it's wrong. I'm dressing her to hot or to cold. I'm not allowing her rough and tumble because I wouldn't let her crawl in the garden where the dogs wee. My MIL had her out there crawling on hard stone and I got her in and said "no, dirty out there" she's letting her go where the dogs wee. I'm trying to be polite about it.

The husband is just awful. To name one Incident, we had nappy bin bag collection day and it was the night before. Our daughter was teething terrible, wouldn't settle on me or my partner we were taking it in turns to settle her. We then remember the bins and I said let's just do it first thing as bins don't come till 9am. At midnight the husband burst in our room while we were asleep and shouted "you've forgot the fucking bins" while our child was sleeping. He was going mad downstairs while I jumped out of bed to sort the bin bags half asleep. All they had to do was put them over the gate which we were doing in the morning. I had to bite my tongue the whole time as I didn't want to wake my daughter. The next day nothing was mentioned. I had my daughters jabs so that was my main focus that day. But since nothing mentioned.

Everything is getting on top of me. I feel like a shit mum like I can't do anything right or it's being judged. I in myself just feel a shell of who I was. I'm so close to losing it but I'm keeping it together for my partner, the environment my daughter lives in and the fact we have to live here. I want out and to rent, a mortgage means nothing to me but happiness does. Again my partner won't do it. So what do I do, break up my family for them?

You need to do more than 2 washes a day? WTF? Do you all change clothes every hour or something?

Sorry, I'd be with your MIL on this one.

You've got 3 weeks to go, then you'll have some breathing space.

While I don't think being a 2hr commute from work and your other half is ideal or a long term solution.
I'd be sorely tempted to go visit Granny with LO for a few days Next week when DH is working.

Short term get yourself through the next 3 weeks. Then start thinking long term. Where do you want to raise you child?

May I stress, this was an example😂 I do 3 washes a week just to stress that fact also

Op the other days, when you can't escape to Grannies, I'd spend as much time out the house as possible, park, library, window shopping, swimming. Anything to be out the house.

Moving in might have seemed a good idea but after a few months you start to grate on each other.

Stay and aim to move out by the time they get back. Move back up north where your money will stretch further.

Can I please hire you to come and state this fact to my partner?🙈😂

It sounds an awful situation (I say this as someone who lived with both MIL and my own parents, separately, as an adult). But financially you must be saving a lot. Even paying half the bills you're saving £500/month while working a two-day week. Most people who run their own household, whether rented or mortgage, would struggle to save £500/month on one full-time salary, let alone a salary which was based on a two-day week. It doesn't sound like you have joint finances? So you need to sit down and have a financial plan to have moved out by the time they come back in 6 months. You can stick out the three weeks until they go. You need to discuss in detail who will be paying what and where this money will be coming from. If he won't move with you, then move out alone. It's that or put up with the living situation you've got, which is clearly untenable. And if you can save £500/month on a two-day week then you can afford to rent somewhere by yourself if need be.

This. You've made it this far. Wait for 3 weeks, then once they've left start planning your move. Plan to move a month before they get home and give them a heads up in a few months so there's no drama over that. Good luck!

I think I'd stick with it for now, as long as there is an exit plan. FIL must absolutely never burst into your room in the morning though unless someone is dying.

OP every decision you've made seems to be based on what suits your DH best. You can't escape to Dorset for a few days because DH would miss his daughter. Even though he's working those days anyway. You've left your support network up north because DH wanted to be near his family. Even though they are not supporting you. You're working weekends to fit around DH's work schedule.
When does YOUR wellbeing get a look-in? PPs have said this already, but you need to have a proper sit down talk with DH. First though, take yourself off somewhere and work out what exactly you want. You can't have a sensible discussion unless you know from the start what you want. If going back up north is the best thing overall, you need to face up to that, because it sounds like your DH realises it but hasn't come out and said it in so many words. Do you want to work longer hours/ more days? You'll need to live somewhere where you can get and afford reliable childcare.
Have a think (maybe down in Dorset, you need the break more than DH will miss his DD).
Then have the talk.
Good luck.

It sounds awful but what did you expect🤷
it's a massive imposition to have a whole extra family move in with you😖
they probably shouldn't have offered I would never be able to cope with other people moving into my home😬😣

How much would it hamper saving to put baby in childcare for one or two days compared to the faster saving from working more?

I’d definitely try to be out before they get back or as soon as they get back. If dh is saving a grand a month in six months he will have 11k if you’ve been there five plus what you’ve managed to save.

Even Get a first time buyer deal in a new build estate provided you’ve got good credit too.

Clearly didn't expect this if I'm honest. They opened their home to us knowing we had a baby, our own independence from living alone. So I didn't expect this at all, nor do I think it's okay. I would never open my home and then act like this towards the people I welcomed in. They are doing us a favour 100% and for that I'm thankful. But at the same time as a mother this environment isn't what I want my daughter to think is okay

How much a month are you actually saving now? How much money were you saving up north?

How much will you be saving when ILs go abroad, as you will be paying more of the bill?

How much money have you saved already? What is your target?

This all comes down to money and whether it is beneficial to you.
Your DP has said he is willing to buy up north, so no emotional ties to where his parents live. It sounds like it is very much about a numbers decision.

If the financial benefit of staying with ILs is negligible, particulalrly with the increased bills, I would move out before they come back from abroad.

In the meantime, I would definitely visit your GPs for a week or so.

Time to get that spreadsheet out.

Well op this is why families don’t live together when they are adults

not helpful but you live and learn

How long will you be living there?

We moved in with in-laws for 3 months when we’re between properties, it was horrendous but I knew it only be 12 weeks.

I hear you.
It sounds like they wanted to be generous and helpful but they didn't think it through at all, didn't think about whether or not they would feel imposed upon.
(I also think that many of us could be prone to being easily triggered back into parent-child dynamics and then just not knowing how to cope🥴)
Since they are the older generation you might expect them to be wiser and to have realised this, they clearly aren't but they are pulling rank and bossing you around as if you are little children because that's all that they can find in their limited behavioral repertoire.
It's a bit cruel of me to characterize them like that when I know I would never be able to tolerate my adult children moving into my home, but I wouldn't allow it in the first place (unless there was no other option, I wouldn't see them on the streets obviously!)

Oh trust me, I've lived and learnt. Banning them from our new house for at least 6 months. I need a break😂

Until we've saved enough to buy

@Thesharkradar I couldn't agree with you more! I don't think I was even treated like this as a teen living with my mum. I'm 27 and I feel like I'm a teenager with a child. I constantly feel looked down on. I hang the washing "oh no dear you haven't hung that right" I put the oven on to make my daughters dinner "oh no you've got the wrong sized pan on the hob"

My MIL is a mother of 3 boys, do I dare say this speaks volumes? My partner being the youngest of the 3

So; what's the target and how close are you?

If you carry on saving as you are now (£1500 per month, yes?) then how many months are there to go?

Because if you're looking down the barrel of at least another whole year there then i think you need a change of plan.

But if you only need to do the next 6 months with the place to yourself plus a month or two after that then i'd stick it out.

We have another year or so at least. To save deposit, do stamp duty ect, we moved with little furniture so extra for furniture ect

That what's I want the plan to be, do the 6 months alone and have a month or 2 when they are back and be gone. End of this year/March next year latest is what I want