Mother in law strain since moving in with her

[Shannon9955]

Me and my partner moved in with his mum and her husband late last year. We have a 13 month old.

I'm from up north, my partner is from down south and he was desperate to move home. We lived together in the north for 5 years. My mum passed away 3 years ago and she was all my family there. So during my maternity leave my partner said let's move back to where I'm from and save to buy by moving in with my parents. Me being hormonal, emotional, all of that fun first time mum mood. I said yes, I transferred my job, moved my whole life. My in laws live away 6 months of the year so I thought that can't be bad. Now 5 months down the line it's honestly the worse choice I've made. I'm starting to resent my partner. I had a lovely relationship with my mother in law prior to this move. I now can't stand her and her husband. Her husband is just horrid. The way he speaks to her, the way he is, everything.

We can't run a hot tap for to long, we can't do more than 2 washes a day. My MIL takes over shopping, plans meals, won't let us cook. At first that was amazing. But she's now planning dinners, not telling us and if we dare buy our own we get a lecture how she's wasted food. On Sunday I said I'll do the shop this time, you have a rest I'll cook for the week. She walks in the next day with a whole shop and said she just done it because she was passing. Gave me our bill and it's £47 for stuff we didn't even want or pick.

Our little girl has only just started sleeping through the night and she's in our room, in her own cot. It's now a huge debate everyday why aren't we moving her in the spare room. What I feed her it's wrong, what I don't feed her it's wrong. I'm dressing her to hot or to cold. I'm not allowing her rough and tumble because I wouldn't let her crawl in the garden where the dogs wee. My MIL had her out there crawling on hard stone and I got her in and said "no, dirty out there" she's letting her go where the dogs wee. I'm trying to be polite about it.

The husband is just awful. To name one Incident, we had nappy bin bag collection day and it was the night before. Our daughter was teething terrible, wouldn't settle on me or my partner we were taking it in turns to settle her. We then remember the bins and I said let's just do it first thing as bins don't come till 9am. At midnight the husband burst in our room while we were asleep and shouted "you've forgot the fucking bins" while our child was sleeping. He was going mad downstairs while I jumped out of bed to sort the bin bags half asleep. All they had to do was put them over the gate which we were doing in the morning. I had to bite my tongue the whole time as I didn't want to wake my daughter. The next day nothing was mentioned. I had my daughters jabs so that was my main focus that day. But since nothing mentioned.

Everything is getting on top of me. I feel like a shit mum like I can't do anything right or it's being judged. I in myself just feel a shell of who I was. I'm so close to losing it but I'm keeping it together for my partner, the environment my daughter lives in and the fact we have to live here. I want out and to rent, a mortgage means nothing to me but happiness does. Again my partner won't do it. So what do I do, break up my family for them?

@MeMyCatsAndMyBooks that was meant to say "we were both saving a grand a month"

also why isn't your partner defending you? I'd tell him you're looking to rent next month if he doesn't agree then tough unfortunately you're mental health can't cope with staying with these people anymore. I bet you anything they'll get home and complain about x, y and Z so call his bluff.

When you move out, where will you go? Is there any point staying near his family? They don't sound as if you contribute much to your lives

Would going back 'up north' make your salary go further on housing and living generally ?

Your terrible experiences are all on him and as you say, he isn't getting the same experience as you are. He really needs to put you first for your next move.

We were in a new build council house in the north. We went on the list on a whim when we moved out and we go offered a new build house. Paying £550 a month. We had it bloody good let me tell you. But I almost felt guilty when my partner wanted to move because I didn't have a family to stay there for since my mum passed. I had friends, my job, that's it. That's what I majorly am starting to resent him for because we had it good there. It was a case of why fix what's not broken.

The in laws don't babysit any of their 8 grandkids, if they do it's all most a chore. I even refuse to leave my little girl with them if I was to take a shower. The sister in laws are loving me because I'm off in the week so I can help them with child care now when and where I can. A thing they didn't have with my in laws. They are also both retired, my MIL will work 2 5 hour shifts a week sometimes

This is a good point. My partners brother and sister in law are actually moving away for this reason, they don't see a point staying when it's not a massive support network and it falls down to doing best for their family unit. When we buy we won't be in the same area as them, I've decided that already. Even if we were to rent (worse case) I wouldn't stay near them either

My partner has also said when we save we can buy up north, which really boils my bloody because why would I go back after the big move. Maybe that's me being stubborn in a weird way because I've changed my whole life so why go back. If I was to go back I'd want what we gave up and that's not going to happen. So the stubbornness is telling me to just stay here. It's not the place either, it's the environment

Would be silly to move out now . Stick it out then save save save for your own place in 6 months.

If you've survived 5 months and it's now 3 weeks til they are gone can you survive it in order to have the next six months savings? As a pp advised can you be out with DD as much as possible until then?

Do you have a plan about what you need to have saved between you in order to be able to buy? Can you meet that target in the next six months? I would tell him that you can't and won't be there when they get back. It's easy for him when he's not home most of the time to be okay with it.

When does your maternity leave end op?

Personally I couldn’t stand this situation. Your husband isn’t supporting you properly. Can you speak to him seriously and tell him that you cannot tolerate this situation any more?

I think you have to have a proper meeting together where you plan out a proper strategy. Where each of you considers the pros and cons of staying and going. Don’t allow it to become a he=stay and a you=go conversation. You both need to consider each side, just as you would if you were alone.

If that doesn’t work, it’s very hard, especially with a small child, but you don’t need his permission to move elsewhere. Can you go back to your job earlier than planned?

Why is he driving these decisions? Why is it not an equal decision?

It's not " their bills" if you are the only ones there. Do you expect them to pay for the gas and electricity you guys use?

Right, you are working tomorrow and Sunday, Monday, go to visit friends up north until Thursday afternoon. Then you have work for 2 days and it’s only a fortnight until the go. Do it again for the third week. If you don’t have any friends you could stay with for a week, get an Airbnb near them where you are from and lie to PIL you are staying with friends.

when up north, see if you can talk to old colleagues about chance to move back.

moving back after the 6 months your PIL are away is a good plan. Yes you’ve lost the council property but if this means you have saved to buy your own, and are away from PIL, have a friendship network and are in an area you both like. Your DH clearly had rose tinted glasses about his home town and now gets it. He fucked up, he’s telling you he knows and is trying to fix it.

go away next week, have a break, plan the future. Have an agreement that at the end of the 6 months PIL are away, you’ll go into rented back in your old home town until you can buy.

If you were saving a grand and now its £200, what happened to £800. Are you paying £800 extra for half the bills?.

@Toujoursla896 I'm off mat leave now. Have been since February. I work fridays, Saturdays and Sundays. Work every Friday and then it's a mix between the Saturday and Sunday. So this week I'm working Friday, Sunday

Living with your inlaws was never going to be a dream! But if they're going away in 3 weeks I'd suck it up and make your plans to get out before they return.

@femfemlicious I'm saving £500 now instead of a grand. £500 is for bills yes and my partner covers the rest as well as him keep saving the grand

So you are still able to save a lot of money. Just rough it out for the next 3 weeks. Its really hard living with anyone for a long time.stay out with the baby as much as possible, baby groups, parks, library etc. It's sunny now so easier to stay out. Then you can save and move up north if necessary

Unless your "rent" to your inlaws is more than rent would otherwise be, you are saving by staying with them and your reduction in savings is due to external factors (everything has gone up and you now have a baby to support). Your day to day life expenses are unlikely to be more (and will most probably be less due to economies of scale) than they would be if you were living independently.

Horrible Horrible behaviour from FIL. I completely get it OP.
Why was it you that had to jump out of bed and not OH. Sounds like the attitude is that everything is your fault. Why didn't your DH say something the next day? And with your DH working full time, you are at home bearing the brunt five days a week - so he just isn't getting it. Or is he just glad he's not in the frame? Needs a discussion.

Relative once screamed at me like that for leaving a light on in toddler's room ( no energy crisis then). Toddler straight out of bed crying inconsolably. No one thought that was odd. The talk was all of how I was useless at putting him to bed and he shouldn't need a light on anyway (Yeah in a strange house) No shouting at OH watching TV doing sweet FA. Why do people have to shout anyway? The house wasn't on fire.

But Wouldn't it take nearly 3 weeks to find somewhere to move out anyway? Wouldn't there be lots of "remarks" which could be even worse?

Lots of good suggestions for gritting your teeth and spending as much time as possible out of their way. Taking DC out every day, lunch in cafes (worth the cost for a few weeks) parks, libraries, shopping malls, Air bnb and visiting/staying over with friends.
Hope you can hold out.

Op see if you can get a caravan and get away for a week. Just the 3 of you.
De-compress a bit. And have a serious think about where you want to live.

Seems daft being near in-laws if they are unwilling to support.
Options, be near your SIL could you / would you support each other?
Or go back to where your friends are?

I suspect they are as pig sick of you all as you are them, and that’s why it’s come to this. I don’t see the relevance of a two wash a day thing, you wrote it like it was an issue, but you shouldn’t ever need that, as you say you don’t.

We did that nearly 2 weeks ago now. Was bliss for 3 days. Its just hard when I work weekends and my partners off. My grandparents have now retired and they live on Dorset which is 2 hours away so it has been a discussion of me living there and coming back when I have work. But again my partner doesn't want to be away from our daughter so I'm like what do I do

We didn't ask to live with them. My partner said he wanted to move back and rent because we couldn't just buy there and then. They suggested we move in with them. Wasn't our idea at all

I wouldnt hang on OP. It is not worth the mental strain on you. I would be checking the bank see where I stand financially and ringing round the estate agents for a small rental property to acquire asap. I would be telling dp you are going with or without him , This is so not worth it. It is costing you to be there so you might as well be paying out your money for you. You made a mistake and now you have to start from the bottom but people do this every day,Yes it will be tough but you can do it. One thing is for sure you might have nothing and starting from scratch but you will be happier out of there,Then you can start to rebuild.It will be totally worth it for you.

Shannon, with all the advice offered here, good luck whatever you decide,
keeping your little family intact.