Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not allow adult dc to bring her bf to my house?

90 replies

aibu123456 · 31/05/2023 20:54

Hi
Obviously adult dd (25) thinks I am being very unreasonable. Do you agree with her?

She is living at home, not working, taking drugs, spending all her time with bf who also does not work and takes drugs.

Aibu to say I don't want this in my house?!

She is now saying that because I won't allow bf in the house anymore that I am making her drug problem worse because if they were in my house they would respect my no drugs rule and so because I won't allow it it means that she is out doing more drugs and it's my fault.

OP posts:
TheSnowyOwl · 31/05/2023 20:55

I wouldn’t be allowing her in my house, let alone her boyfriend.

Original poster
aibu123456 · 31/05/2023 20:59

TheSnowyOwl · 31/05/2023 20:55

I wouldn’t be allowing her in my house, let alone her boyfriend.

I have asked her to leave, she won't. She can't afford to as not working and I can't afford to help unfortunately.

OP posts:
romdowa · 31/05/2023 21:03

Typical addict behaviour! no matter what you do , she will take drugs. Every argument or occasion is an excuse to get out of it and blame it on someone else. Put your foot down and tell her no and that the only person responsible for her drug taking, is her!

CaroleSinger · 31/05/2023 21:07

There's absolutely no reason she should be living in your house at 25. You need to stop asking and start telling. At 25 it's her own problem to find somewhere to go.

Original poster
aibu123456 · 31/05/2023 21:13

romdowa · 31/05/2023 21:03

Typical addict behaviour! no matter what you do , she will take drugs. Every argument or occasion is an excuse to get out of it and blame it on someone else. Put your foot down and tell her no and that the only person responsible for her drug taking, is her!

I completely agree with you and my foot has been firmly down on the bf being here anymore because it's total bs and they still do drugs in my house. But she's now saying that I'm causing her mental health issues and increased drug abuse so I just wanted to get opinions from others to help me keep my foot down. Or to raise my foot a little if people do think I am being unreasonable.

OP posts:
Original poster
aibu123456 · 31/05/2023 21:16

the bf telling me that I don't care and am making dd's problems worse started to make me doubt myself

OP posts:
SnackSizeRaisin · 31/05/2023 21:19

aibu123456 · 31/05/2023 21:16

the bf telling me that I don't care and am making dd's problems worse started to make me doubt myself

Sounds like it's the bf making her problems worse. You are the one providing her with a safe home to live in, free of charge. What is he doing for her exactly?

mrshenny · 31/05/2023 21:20

She needs to find her own place. YANBU!

NeverDropYourMooncup · 31/05/2023 21:20

An addict will always find a way to make their addiction behaviour your fault.

They'd just do the drugs in your home and say you made them do it.

Stressfordays · 31/05/2023 21:21

Classic addict behaviour, blame everyone else. Its never their fault in their eyes. My honest opinion is to let her fall and hit rock bottom. Kick her out.

ChubbyMorticia · 31/05/2023 21:26

Absolutely manipulation due to her being in active addiction.

Id look into having her legally removed. She won’t go willingly, and she won’t change until she has to. Right now, she has zero reason to.

id also be concerned with who else she tries to bring home.

Original poster
aibu123456 · 31/05/2023 21:26

Thank you 🌻

OP posts:
Original poster
aibu123456 · 31/05/2023 21:28

id also be concerned with who else she tries to bring home.

her drug dealers delivering drugs to my front door is very concerning

OP posts:
apairofjeanstharfitjustright · 31/05/2023 21:29

The kind of shit that I would day back in the day to my poor mum when I was using. My mum would give in as I would wear her down so much.

My mum eventually chucked me out, I was made homeless and it was the best thing for me.

Doing my masters in social work just now and me and my mum have a fantastic relationship.

CeliaNorth · 31/05/2023 21:30

She is living at home, not working, taking drugs, spending all her time with bf who also does not work and takes drugs.

Where are they getting the money for drugs if neither of them is working?

Anyway, I agree with pp - time for her to leave home.

apairofjeanstharfitjustright · 31/05/2023 21:30

Also it was up to me to eventually decide to turn my life around. Nothing my mum did or said would have helped at the time.

Ontheperiphery79 · 31/05/2023 21:33

As someone in Recovery, I may sound like an absolute hypocrite, but I would absolutely do whatever it takes to have your adult DC removed from your house.

SapatSea · 31/05/2023 21:33

You are doing the right thing. If you give an inch they will take a mile and BF will be living there too. Mooching off you. Very concerning for you that dealers are turning up. You need a no visitors rule! Id tell your DD that if dealers or similar show up you will be calling the police. I'd also get a Ring doorbell (or similar) to keep tabs on who is showing up whilst you are out. I'd also get a lock on my bedroom door and secure anything at all valuable there. Have you noticed any small things going missing as yet?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 31/05/2023 21:33

Where are they getting the money for drugs if neither of them is working?

I wondered that myself ... all in all, drug dealers coming to the door may not be the worst of it if she continues to live there

Aquamarine1029 · 31/05/2023 21:33

Of course her scumbag boyfriend can't set foot in your house, and truthfully, the best thing you could do for her is to kick her out. You've been pandering to her for far too long and she needs a massive dose of reality. You are just enabling her.

pointythings · 31/05/2023 21:40

It's time for you to get some support for yourself. If you Google AdFam and go to the Help for Families/Useful Organisations page you will find contact details for a lot of groups specialising in supporting people in your situation. (i haven't posted a link because MN gets a bit funny about posting any link that ends in .org).

You need to learn to set boundaries for what you will and will not accept in your house - and yes, that can definitely mean evicting your daughter because you do not have to sacrifice your peace of mind for her.

Original poster
aibu123456 · 31/05/2023 21:44

They are both claiming universal credit. It pisses me off to see them go on a huge drugs binge every time they get the cost of living payments. I refuse to give any money. She asks for money "for food" when she's run out but I will only buy food not give cash. I'm struggling to pay the bills as it is, she is supposed to give a small contribution from her uc money but stopped a few months ago.

OP posts:
Original poster
aibu123456 · 31/05/2023 21:47

pointythings · 31/05/2023 21:40

It's time for you to get some support for yourself. If you Google AdFam and go to the Help for Families/Useful Organisations page you will find contact details for a lot of groups specialising in supporting people in your situation. (i haven't posted a link because MN gets a bit funny about posting any link that ends in .org).

You need to learn to set boundaries for what you will and will not accept in your house - and yes, that can definitely mean evicting your daughter because you do not have to sacrifice your peace of mind for her.

Thank you, I will google that now. I have been unsuccessfully trying to get help for a while but it's just getting worse

OP posts:
Original poster
aibu123456 · 31/05/2023 21:49

@Ontheperiphery79 @apairofjeanstharfitjustright trying to hang on to the tiny bit of hope I have left so thank you that's so helpful to hear you got throught it

OP posts:
Cosycover · 31/05/2023 21:56

What drugs are they taking?
I honestly don't know what I'd do. I think I would find it difficult to throw my daughter out of the house whatever the circumstances. It must be so difficult for you. I really hope you have some support x