AIBU to not allow adult dc to bring her bf to my house?

[aibu123456]

Hi
Obviously adult dd (25) thinks I am being very unreasonable. Do you agree with her?

She is living at home, not working, taking drugs, spending all her time with bf who also does not work and takes drugs.

Aibu to say I don't want this in my house?!

She is now saying that because I won't allow bf in the house anymore that I am making her drug problem worse because if they were in my house they would respect my no drugs rule and so because I won't allow it it means that she is out doing more drugs and it's my fault.

Yes you need to raise your foot.....to her backside and kick her through the front door. That way she will have to sort herself out

Lol you got me for a second there.
It's not easy to just kick someone out if they have nowhere else to go. She's still my kid even if I don't like her or her behaviour very much right now.

Thanks. I don't, but this thread has been helpful as I was beginning to doubt myself and even though I don't believe all the nasty things screamed at me when she's in a state it still hurts and it's hard to keep letting it roll off a ducks back when it's a near constant barrage of insults.

the drugs they are not taking would be a far shorter list.

Op what drugs is she doing and how often?

daily. too many to list and tbh I don't know the names of a lot of the prescription ones they are abusing (prescribed to other people) ketamine mdma amphetamines weed diazapam valium the ones for adhd I can't recall the name

Yabu to have her under your roof. I threw adult ds out for less..
She can present at the local council.. Bag up her stuff and get her out... Or you are enabling her..

She’s basically gaslighting you so that you take the blame for her drug problem? I don’t think so! She and the BF are holding you hostage. I agree re the doorbell camera. I would put up a sign stating that cameras are in use on the property. That “should” deter some of the dealers and hopefully any retribution from BF or DD. You deserve to enjoy living safely in your home. She has broken her agreement with you to pay her way and that alone should be enough to boot her out. Addicts behave badly. If she is required to pay her way somewhere else she will a) have less money to spend on drugs and b) be less attractive to BF who clearly has his sights on dossing for free at your place.

I get it, it's your daughter and you want to protect her in the hope she will get over this period. OP, it won't happen without serious intervention.
I'm witnessing this first hand at the moment with someone very close. Sadly they're now a prisoner in their own home. The DS45 rules the house, takes drugs, does what he wants, smashes doors/walls etc. It's never ending.
She broke down last week and admitted she got it wrong, she wished she had stood up to this behaviour earlier because right now she's so scared of him.
Sometimes OP you have to be cruel to be kind, and I think this is needed now. Your daughter needs help, and she can either do that under your roof with your support and without the waster BF, or she can go it alone until she's ready to accept the help needed.
Trust me, this won't get any better until you put your foot down.

That's exactly what bedsits and the housing element of UC are for.

The local authority will have details of potential landlords as part of their duty and if she has a MH diagnosis, that along with support from the local drugs and alcohol project might help to get her somewhere.

Or he'll dump her because homelessness with her isn't appealing to him as her mum's house and extra UC is.

She needs to go because this situation could turn very bad if he gets one foot in the door. You’ll end up terrorised in your own home. If you go away for the weekend how can you sure he won’t move in?
Shes 25 not 18. Can you pay a deposit and a months rent on a room in an HMO and evict her to there? If not, I’d tell her she has one month to sort out accommodation ad you will bag up her stuff and dump it on the front path and change the locks. But you need to mean it.

OP-blaming bullshit

If she thinks that not having her boyfriend there is affecting her mental health she needs to see a doctor. Hopefully they will then refer her to relevant services.

So what happens if there is a police raid on the house? They could get a search warrant and turn the place upside down, even if you aren't held responsible.

What fun that would be.

In terms of caring about what happens to your daughter, and not wanting to kick her out be mindful that whilst she's in this lifestyle and giving you emotional blackmail she doesn't give two shits about you. Instead you are giving her enough of a cushion to allow her to continue taking even more drugs and getting herself slowly into deeper shit. At least if you kick her out, any crisis point will happen sooner. You can't stop that crisis point occurring because the drugs will always ensure it happens - you are just delaying the inevitable.

And in this sense, you can only protect yourself. You can't protect your daughter because she's too far into the mess. In protecting yourself now, you will be in a better position to help when she does crash and burn because you will be mentally in a better place yourself.

You are enabling her behaviour.

If they're not working I would also be concerned about them/him stealing your stuff to sell to get more drugs.

Oh op!! I’m so sorry this sounds really hard.

you are absolutely right not to allow her BF to your home. You have to stick strictly to that rule and have a plan in place for if they break the rule (calling the police to remove him).

There is likely to be very limited you can do to help your daughter as it doesn’t sound like she is in the place to take help or want to change. Hopefully one day she will want change and then you can support her to access proper support for her addictions. Until then keep doing what you are putting in place boudaries to keep yourself as well and safe as possible.

Those saying the OP is enabling or condoning the drugs market... OP is not to blame! Focus your disapproval on her daughter and boyfriend!

You need to kick her out.

Type up a letter declaring her homeless. Leave it on top of her stuff on the doorstep. She can take that letter to the council and they will put her up in a b&b until they find her other accommodation.

Make sure you change the locks once you’ve placed all her stuff outside.

She needs a swift kick up the backside. This might be the boot she needs to sort herself out.

Wtf?

This is completely unacceptable. She needs to leave and stay somewhere else. Probably a treatment centre of some sort.

No drugs would be coming near my house.

It's not easy to just kick someone out if they have nowhere else to go.

Your DD knows that , OP , that's why she's taking advantage of you .

I'm astonished that your opening post asks whether YABU 😕

Install a Ring video camera, remove her belongings, write letter to state her homelessness, notify the police of your plans in case her or her cronies act out. Let her know the police are aware.

This is something she has to learn by herself and having a cosy free space to take drugs won’t resolve anything.

So I did a stupid thing and let the bf stay last night.

She had had a few days of not being a total nightmare and he had been banned for a few weeks so I guess I wanted to reward the good and not always focus on the bad stuff and I was hoping they had learned that I was not going to tolerate their shit anymore.

I know I know, I'm an idiot.

Last time he stayed they just decided he wasn't going home the next day and he stayed for three days. I asked, and told, multiple times for him to leave and she just said no. I didn't want things to escalate and decided to just ride it out till he left and then never allow him back in again.

Yeah I know, I'm a fool for giving her one more chance.

So he's here again tonight after not going home at the agreed time today. Another night of no sleep for me while they are up all night, talking loudly, music on. I know you're going to say kick them both out now but honestly I don't feel like it's safe for me to insist he leaves as they have both taken a load of drugs and are threatening all kinds of stuff.

So I absolutely mean it this time when I say once he leaves I will never allow him back in. No really, I mean it this time. She needs to go too and I need some advice on how I can make this happen. What rights does she have to stay? How much notice do I legally have to give her? It's my name only on the tenancy and she does not pay any rent or bills here if that makes any difference. I've spoken to the council and asked if they will be able to find her accomodation if I tell her she has to leave and they said they were unable to provide any assistance. I told them how difficult things are and that she is sometimes violent and aggressive when on drugs and they just said sorry but no we can't help you.

I would really appreciate any advice and I promise I won't be back in a few weeks to say I ignored it all and allowed him back in! I know how frustrating it is when people do that. I had to try and give her one last chance, she's still my kid. But unconditional love does not mean unconditional tolerance and I am done. She doesn't care about anything other than hanging out with the bf and doing drugs. She doesn't care about me or my boundaries or my mental or physical health.

I am absolutely heartbroken and my mental health is not coping very well with all the stuff that has been going on for the last year so if you could please not be too harsh, I already know I'm to blame, that I've enabled and been stupid and failed at parenting, trust me anything you can say I've already been beating myself with.

In reply to some previous comments, yes I have been concerned about him trying to move in so I tried to be strict about not staying more than one night per week, he currently lives in a homeless shelter and is very vocal about hating being there and would often, in the early days before I had realised how toxic he is, turn on the waterworks when it was time to go home and threaten self harm and stuff if I didn't let him stay and then when I said that bf's mental health and housing issues were not my problem they changed tactic to dd threatening stuff and getting violent if he couldn't stay.

Sorry this is really long, if you made it this far and can give any advice and can help me make a plan for what to do about evicting dd I would really appreciate it. I know I should kick them out tonight but I honestly don't feel safe trying to do that.

What rights does she have to stay? How much notice do I legally have to give her?

None. Absolutely fucking zero rights.

Get her out right now. Call the police if you need to. This insanity has to stop right fucking now. You have GOT to take control of your life. Honestly, this is all just madness.

All of this.

She has absolutely zero rights to be in your home.

Legally, she is an adult.

She is an adult, in your home, taking drugs on your premises, refusing to leave your premises and making threats to you.

You need to take a hard line now, you've run out of other options.