AIBU to not allow adult dc to bring her bf to my house?

[aibu123456]

Hi
Obviously adult dd (25) thinks I am being very unreasonable. Do you agree with her?

She is living at home, not working, taking drugs, spending all her time with bf who also does not work and takes drugs.

Aibu to say I don't want this in my house?!

She is now saying that because I won't allow bf in the house anymore that I am making her drug problem worse because if they were in my house they would respect my no drugs rule and so because I won't allow it it means that she is out doing more drugs and it's my fault.

What threats have they made? Are you physically safe there tonight? It doesn't sound like it. You need to involve the police to handle this safely IMO.

Threats to themselves as in I will do something stupid if you make him leave tonight, those type of threats.

I am physically safe tonight yes because I am giving them what they want and he's staying. The bf has never been agressive or violent, he'll just tell dd that he's going to harm himself and then she'll get aggressive to get him what he wants.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Have you anyone in real life who can help you?

Is there anyone else in the house?

Stop pandering to her bullshit, op. FFS. You are doing her no favours.

No to both questions

That sounds like an absolute nightmare for you. I'm so sorry. I would be very tempted to sell up and move somewhere else to be honest.

I'd ask police for assistance
They need to go tonight!

You need your daughter out too op. If not tonight then tomorrow they need to leave and if they don’t contact the police to get them out.

is it possible to arrange for locks to be changed while they are out of the home tomorrow? Them put their things outside and don’t allow either back in.

if they threaten self harm then report that to the police and they can decide if a welfare check is needed.

mum so sorry op. Sounds like an awful situation.

I'd be very very scared were I you OP.

I would worry that once that man has his feet under the table - and you are outnumbered - that your home would start to function more as a drugs den for all of your DD's and his addict/dealer friends, possibly with fights and police visits.

Are you in a position to give notice and move? I would worry that after banning him and/or making your daughter move out, they might still come and harass you.

Well being the angry menopausal woman I am tonight I would probably grab them by the scruff of their necks and sling them on the street.

Failing that try the police. Sorry OP hope you find a solution.

Yes I can change the locks, I did it before when we had a broken key stuck in the lock so I know how to do it and I have a spare one as I bought an extra in case it ever happened again.

Would it be better to wait till Monday when services are open? I'm still not sure if I can legally do that without giving her notice to leave. And there's still the problem of the council saying they won't help. If I do this and then have to let her back in it could be very bad

I don’t see what rights she has. She’s legally an adult and isn’t on the tenancy is she?

Do you have proof of her behaviour?

Even if there is some legal route she could take she doesn’t sound like she or her BF are with it enough to follow through with anything like that. I can imagine anyone not siding with you.

you could always calls shelter if you want advise around that? Honestly though isn’t that just something you are using to avoid having to do the tough thing and kick your daughter out?

Op, good grief. Just stop all this ruminating already. Your daughter has no rights to your property. You NEVER have to allow her back.

Honestly, you are not helping your daughter by giving in to all this madness. You're making everything worse. It's time she faces the consequences for her choices.

@Weallgottachangesometime Shelter is a good idea, I'll try asking them, thank you for the suggestion.
Honestly, no I am not trying to avoid doing it, but I am trying to do it in a way that doesn't put me at risk when she's understandably angry about being kicked out. And I would like to not make things worse for her, I don't want to see her on the streets but I also cannot and will not continue like this.

Waiting until Monday isn't a bad idea. The council will help if your daughter is officially homeless.

I'm sorry you've no one to help you in really life. Is it because you don't want people to know or is it because you don't have anyone?

OP, I really sympathise.

Legally, assuming you are in England, then your adult daughter has no rights, no.

Whoever you spoke to at the Council was bullshitting you quite a bit. As long as the Council considers an adult like your daughter to be 'adequately housed' in the present moment, they won't lift a finger, no. However, once you've put her out, she IS homeless, and thus the Council picks up a statutory responsibility straight away to house her. In the immediate term and the short term, that's going to be a hostel or a B&B type situation. In the longer term, she has to work with the Council toward something more secure.

You may need to confirm with the Council that you have put her out. (Sorry I hate using that phrase but it's one that Council housing staff understand. Don't say 'evicted' or 'asked to leave' - it implies potential rights or reconciliation. Just say 'put her out', or even 'kicked her out - for good'.)

You have to save your sanity here, and your own home and security. You are no use to her if she drags you down with her. I've seen it over and over again. All professional advice is to save yourself first.

@Trianglear that's helpful thank you, I will make sure to use the correct terms next time. Yes England.

Would it be better to wait till Monday when services are open? I'm still not sure if I can legally do that without giving her notice to leave. And there's still the problem of the council saying they won't help. If I do this and then have to let her back in it could be very bad

Call the police and ask them this, making it very clear you are not prepared to have her live in your home any more and want her out.

Then act accordingly in accordance with the law.

Kick her out. You are enabling her and she won't change until she hits rock bottom. That will never happen while she has a comfy house (yours).

OP, her addiction is bigger than your ability to help her. She needs professional help but like most addicts fails to accept it.

As difficult as it may be for you to do this as her mother, you don't have aby other options for your own safety and wellbeing. She has taken that choice away from you with her behaviour.

Could you trying ringing this organisation who suppose families of addicts. This cannot be easy for you and they may be able to support you. https://addictionsuk.com/our-services/family-and-friends-of-addicts/

OP, you need to stop ringing around and asking on her behalf.

SHE has to present and ask for assistance, or none will be given.

As long as you are attempting to sort something out re accommodation, etc, YOU are deemed to be responsible and no one else will do anything (because you are providing, and they don’t have to).

As impossible as it feels, you need to kick her out and not let her back - this is something you can do out of love for her (as contradictory as that sounds). This is what she needs, and you need your safe haven home back.

If you really wanted her to leave you'd get her to leave. You are enabling her life style.
As much as you love her this is a case of a problem shared being a problem doubled.
Continue either the no bf rule and agree what payment she is going yo contribute each week.when due doesn't she's effectively saying she doesn't want to live with you so take the necessary steps.
NB she'll likely go down before she comes up.

One additional thought - and this is to assuage your guilt enough that you might now actually do something about the deteriorating situation - is that you could book and pay for a room for her tonight (the cheapest you can find, a B&B or budget place) and hand her the booking.

Then tell her to present herself as homeless to the Council in the morning.

If she won’t budge then you ask for police assistance given that she and the boyfriend are ‘cuckooing’ you and you’re scared.

@Trianglear If I booked a room it would be under my name and my card and I'm certain she would trash the place or stay there and refuse to leave, so I would be charged for the damages and extra time. I can't give her the money so she can book it for herself because she would definitely not use the money for the intended purpose. But I really appreciate you coming back with a suggestion thank you.
I'm hoping bf will leave today and then tomorrow I will tell her she needs to go and present as homeless. I'd prefer to text it to her while she's out but she usually doesn't wake up and go out till late afternoon so I'll need to wake her and tell her tomorrow morning.

I'll need to wake her and tell her tomorrow morning

And what do you plan to do if she refuses and threatens to kill herself if you force matters?