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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Non-driving friend

108 replies

rainydays3 · 31/05/2023 09:51

A close friend of mine doesn't drive and probably won't ever bother learning (her words).
We have been friends a long time and I love her to bits , but I do sometimes feel like she treats me like a free taxi service. It's almost as if petrol is free...

We do a lot of stuff together, normally go for days out, trips away and she's never once offered a contribution towards fuel. It can get quite expensive when we go away as normally I will pay for my accommodation, food, activities plus travel costs on top which can be an extra £40-£60. It does get on my nerves at times, as if we were to get the train then she'd have to pay for her ticket but never thinks to offer towards petrol costs, like somehow it's different?

My sister has a similar set up with her non-driving friend but her friend does offer money towards fuel and will sometimes pay for drinks or their meal out to kind of balance it out I guess. My friend has never done this (well, maybe paid for the odd drink but nothing that equates to what I've paid in fuel). She does expect a lot of lifts as well - for example last night around 12:30, she called me asking if I could pick her up from the train station as her connecting train had been cancelled. Apparently there were no taxis available (not sure if that's true as we live in a quiet area and it was a weeknight). I just don't think she wanted to pay for a taxi as probably would have been around £20-£30.

I did pick her up in the end as I didn't want to leave her stranded, but again no offer towards fuel. Just a thanks. I didn't get home until after 1am and I'm knackered this morning. That's probably why it's annoyed me more than usual.
I do love her and enjoy spending time with her, but I think because she doesn't drive she forgets it's not free to run a car.

AIBU?

OP posts:

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 31/05/2023 09:55

Stop paying for shit!
"Sorry friend money is a bit tight I won't be able to go unless you pay your half towards petrol/accommodation/food." "Sorry friend I can't pick you up I'm busy." Rinse and repeat.

I had a friend like this to the point she kept demanding I sign up my son to clubs he wasn't interested in that her son attended for a free lift. Would expect me to take her to work, college, food shopping etc. I just kept saying no I'm busy, no I can't afford the petrol. Soon got the hint. People like that aren't your friend, they are users. They see you as a free taxi service.

Supertayto · 31/05/2023 09:55

Just ask her. Fill up on your way to somewhere with her and say ‘that was x, can you ping me y for your share’. Perhaps not 50% because presumably the fuel will benefit you beyond that particular journey, but a nominal amount. The worst that will happen is she will say no, it’ll be awkward and you stop offering her lifts. If it makes it easier, you can always dress it up as rising costs. And stop picking her up when you’re not actually with her. She’s a grown up and you’re not her husband/mum/chauffeur.

greennotepad · 31/05/2023 09:57

Why not ask her?

IncompleteSenten · 31/05/2023 09:59

Tell her she needs to cough up.

Muu · 31/05/2023 10:00

Ask for petrol money. Next time she asks for a lift (presuming you’re happy to do the actual drive) say straight away “ok but petrol is expensive these days, can you give me £x for it?”

Shinyandnew1 · 31/05/2023 10:00

Stop doing it.

Don’t suggest any more trips away and if she does, say, ‘are we going to go halves on the petrol or shall we go by train?’

If she doesn’t like that, the trip doesn’t happen. She is freeloading.

LlynTegid · 31/05/2023 10:02

Reasonable not to drive and indeed there may be some medical condition being kept secret. Unreasonable not to offer to pay a share of fuel costs, be it directly or say by paying for meals when you are out together.

EggInANest · 31/05/2023 10:02

“If you are OK to split petrol shall we go to xyz? It will be about ££ each”

Honestly, direct communication is easy once we get the hang of it. Much fairer to her than harbouring resentment against her.

blahblahblah1654 · 31/05/2023 10:05

Stop doing her favours, and ask for petrol money when you car share. I only passed my test at 36 but wouldn't have dreamt of taking the piss out of people before then

AnObserverInThisDarkWorld · 31/05/2023 10:05

Just. Ask.

If you're both going to the same place anyway she won't think she owes you for the petrol because you'd be driving there regardless.

Or maybe she feels awkward offering to pay and doesn't know how to approach it.

FlounderingFruitcake · 31/05/2023 10:05

Stop being a mug, she’s taking the piss.

At 12.30am you should have ignored any messages. I’m sure can google a local taxi company so she wouldn’t have been stranded. Then the following morning send a breezy, ‘just saw this as was sleeping, hope you got back ok, sounds like a nightmare xx’

Days out agree in advance. ‘Yes I’d love to go, shall we split petrol, it should cost £x or would you prefer the train?’

EggInANest · 31/05/2023 10:05

Calling you at 12.30 for a lift is outrageous, though.

FictionalCharacter · 31/05/2023 10:07

You definitely need to make it clear to her that she needs to pay her way.
She’s exceptionally cheeky to call you for a free lift after midnight.
Some non-drivers don’t understand that driving involves effort and expense. Not just petrol cost but the whole cost of running a car. Plus the fact that driving involves concentration, it isn’t effortless. As a passenger all they experience is travelling in the car and they don’t see it from the driver’s point of view.

HerMammy · 31/05/2023 10:07

Is she struggling money wise? I wouldn't mind occasionally but she sounds like a CF, 12.30?? away to fuck with that!!! I tell my DD17 to get a taxi if it's after 10pm

PussInBin20 · 31/05/2023 10:09

Just ask her?

GoodChat · 31/05/2023 10:09

Shes a massive CF to call you out in the middle of the night!

Amby1 · 31/05/2023 10:10

Your friend is taking the piss, she knows cars don't run on air. If I were in your situation I would mention the fuel costs at the planning stage of your trips away (e.g. It'll be 130 miles of driving so £10 each for fuel).

I had a friend who was good at this, she never offered to contribute to fuel. I just stopped giving her lifts ever.

CalistoNoSolo · 31/05/2023 10:13

She sounds like a CF and you have MUG written across your forehead. Either tell her to pay her share of travel costs (and put your phone on aircraft mode after 9pm) or find friends who don't freeload and take the piss.

IHateFlies · 31/05/2023 10:15

You definitely didn't need to pick her up from the station. Stop doing that. If you feel bad, then feign an excuse but really, she should know it's not an acceptable request.

Thesunwillcomeoutverysoon · 31/05/2023 10:20

Next trip suggest the train for you both. If she says she can't afford it you say you can't afford petrol either.. Book tickets separate or she still won't pay her share!

Beezknees · 31/05/2023 10:23

CF. I don't drive and will never learn, purely because I don't want to, it's a big expense that I don't honestly need.

I don't ask anyone for lifts anywhere, and if somebody did drive me somewhere for a day trip I'd give fuel money. 99% of the time I just make my own way there on public transport though.

Beezknees · 31/05/2023 10:24

Oh and it's common knowledge that there are train strikes this week and we've known about it for weeks! She should have prepared better.

gobacktobed · 31/05/2023 10:27

You should have ignored her call at 12.30am or tell her you can't pick her up as you've had a drink.

When you're going places that are a
long distance, I'd ask if she could help with petrol money and say you need the money in advance as things are tough. Then drive into the petrol station with her in the car!l and out the petrol in.

user1471538283 · 31/05/2023 10:27

Everyone knows petrol is expensive and that's without the other costs of car ownership!

If you are both going somewhere she just assumed that you would be buying petrol anyway. It still doesn't make it right though.

If my friends and I drive anywhere of distance we always chip in with petrol money.

You have to tell her that she needs to pay for the petrol for lifts and go halves over a distance if you are going together. Or you don't go.

Peachy2005 · 31/05/2023 10:28

why isn’t your phone on silent at night?!

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