Non-driving friend

[rainydays3]

A close friend of mine doesn't drive and probably won't ever bother learning (her words).
We have been friends a long time and I love her to bits , but I do sometimes feel like she treats me like a free taxi service. It's almost as if petrol is free...

We do a lot of stuff together, normally go for days out, trips away and she's never once offered a contribution towards fuel. It can get quite expensive when we go away as normally I will pay for my accommodation, food, activities plus travel costs on top which can be an extra £40-£60. It does get on my nerves at times, as if we were to get the train then she'd have to pay for her ticket but never thinks to offer towards petrol costs, like somehow it's different?

My sister has a similar set up with her non-driving friend but her friend does offer money towards fuel and will sometimes pay for drinks or their meal out to kind of balance it out I guess. My friend has never done this (well, maybe paid for the odd drink but nothing that equates to what I've paid in fuel). She does expect a lot of lifts as well - for example last night around 12:30, she called me asking if I could pick her up from the train station as her connecting train had been cancelled. Apparently there were no taxis available (not sure if that's true as we live in a quiet area and it was a weeknight). I just don't think she wanted to pay for a taxi as probably would have been around £20-£30.

I did pick her up in the end as I didn't want to leave her stranded, but again no offer towards fuel. Just a thanks. I didn't get home until after 1am and I'm knackered this morning. That's probably why it's annoyed me more than usual.
I do love her and enjoy spending time with her, but I think because she doesn't drive she forgets it's not free to run a car.

AIBU?

Yeah, as a non driver myself I do know that fuel costs. We're not thick! Lame excuse.

This is exactly what I would do.

Use your words OP. Plenty of good advice on here

I do not understand why so many women on these forums are doormat servants. Well at least if you were a servant you’d get paid!

She is one CF
Calling you at 12.30 for a lift is taking the piss.
I wouldn't have answered

If I did answer to something like this it would be an incredulous "you are kidding?! I've not changed jobs and become a taxi service. Google and get a cab"

Non drivers are oblivious to how much it costs to run a car IME. 🙄🙄

Just ask her though .

I agree with all the advice above - the cost of living is a perfect reason to reset expectations with her. Explain you need a contribution to fuel and running costs (tyres ain't cheap either) each and every time from now on.
And ignore messages late at night.
She's taking the piss.

Just tell her that she needs to pay half of the fuel costs. She's obviously a bit of a CF but if she doesn't cough up after you request that she contributes then it's time to rethink the friendship.

I wouldn't have picked her up so late either. I would have offered to help find her a taxi if I was feeling generous.

She is a user

But you are a doormat

Tell her the next time before you go somewhere to contribute to gas from now on just as the cost if things have gone up.

Text her this.
Mention it somewhere in the middle of the text. Very casual and blase. Then mention something fun that you are looking forward to and end your message with the usual XOXO or whatever

And then wait to see her response...

Why on earth haven't you been asking for petrol money?

Ah yeah just don't read he messages at night

Er, what if she was stranded at half 12? I've had to try and find cabs a couple of times in the early hours before (albeit for emergencies) (also a quiet area on a weeknight) - none to be seen/found/none answering the phone. Quite scary.

But the rest - should be offering/contributing/asking.

Not everyone is thoughtful about these things especially if you were going to drive anyway. All this annoyance would be avoided if you simply asked her to pay towards the petrol. As she is your 'close friend', please speak to her rather than allow strangers to call her a user and other names. Which one do you think would upset her more?

Tough. It's not OP's job to be a late night taxi service. If she gets mugged or whatever its not OP's fault

Stop doing her bidding! I don't know why your phone isn't on silent at night, but if she expects a lift at gone midnight no way would I be doing that. A simple "ha ha no, sorry, I was asleep" is what's needed. Probably you only need to do this once.

And stop taking her everywhere for free, tell her "Things have really gone up, please can we share the petrol costs". If she says no she isn't a friend she is a sponger.

She is absolutely a CF. But unfortunately, CFs get away with it because they target doormats and you have sadly become that person. I honestly don't understand hy you haven't said something before - most notably for the bigger trips (I can understand letting it go for day to day activities). As for collecting her at 12:30 - was she insanely grateful becuase if not, I'd assume this isn't really a friend at all.

does she do nice things for you that are separate to this? is there there for you? Does she go out of her way when necessary to help you? I'm guessing not.

I’m a non driver in my sixties, and I’m not going to learn now! I travel by train and budget for taxis. I don’t have to pay out for the expense of running a car, insurance tax petrol etc. But if one of my car driving friends offers a lift I always without fail offer petrol money. It’s usually refused, maybe because they know I’m not a CF…. So they get drinks bought, little treats knits for the grandkids etc as a thank you. And I have full expectation of going half with petrol money. And I have never ever phoned anybody after midnight looking for a lift….

Your friend is a CF….. stop answering your phone at that time. She is a grown woman and could get a taxi… instead she is waking you up to come and collect her and not offering a penny…rude and selfish…

Whilst I fully agree that she should pay half / she is being rude not to offer / OP should ask, I was a non driver until my 40s and had honestly no idea about fuel cost.
Even now, I drive so little that I couldn’t tell you if a 1h drive costs £5 / £10 or £30, literally no idea.

Of course she knows cars cost money to run

She's a piss taker - stop giving her lifts

She's a cheeky fucker piss-taker.
If it was just the not paying for petrol on days out, maybe you could say she doesn't realize how much fuel costs or thinks that you're driving anyway etc. BUT the fact she rings you for lifts, including at 12.30 in the morning shows that she knows perfectly well what she's doing - she's a user.
You should say that going forward she needs to pay half of the cost of the fuel and parking if you are driving anywhere on trips out - tell her it's because the cost of petrol has gone up so much and you can't afford it for random days out any more.
Start refusing lifts if it doesn't suit. Sorry, I can't, I've got other plans today. Sorry, it's not possible right now. Whatever.
Get the phone switched off at night or on do not disturb. Or if you really must have it on and pinging (why??) get your blue ticks turned off on Whatsapp, or whatever you do on whatever messaging app you use and don't respond. If she asks about it just say you were asleep and didn't see the message until the morning. If she phones, don't pick up, just say phone was on silent.
Absolute cheek phoning at 12.30 for a lift.

I always find this really weird. I am the non driving friend as I never had the opportunity to learn as a teenager and didn't need a car as a young adult. I never expect lifts though. I'm perfectly capable of getting public transport/taxis and often decline lifts if they are offered and I know it would be putting this driver out. I'm happy finding my own way places but the times when I have accepted lifts I've offered money towards fuel and paid for parking. Me not driving is my choice/problem so it shouldn't adversely affect anyone else.

For those non drivers who don't know how much to offer, why don't you just overestimate as your driving friend doesn't just pay for petrol, they pay for all the associated costs of owning a car.

The reason a lot of people don't drive is because they don't need to. They have friends and family providing a taxi service

There's no motivation for them to drive

When somebody says they don't drive I think less of them as a person. I think it's embarrassing and pathetic

Stop enabling her, stop being treated like a mug and grow a back bone and tell her either she pays towards fuel or she doesn't get lifts everywhere

Your 'friend' is a user. But the important question is why are you allowing yourself to be treated like this? Do you think you will lose the friendship if you ask to be treated fairly?

Job - agree, no.
Fault - agree, no.
(However outside of the wider context of someone continually expecting free lifts) it would be the act of a compassionate person to pick up a stranded friend, surely?