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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Non-driving friend

108 replies

rainydays3 · 31/05/2023 09:51

A close friend of mine doesn't drive and probably won't ever bother learning (her words).
We have been friends a long time and I love her to bits , but I do sometimes feel like she treats me like a free taxi service. It's almost as if petrol is free...

We do a lot of stuff together, normally go for days out, trips away and she's never once offered a contribution towards fuel. It can get quite expensive when we go away as normally I will pay for my accommodation, food, activities plus travel costs on top which can be an extra £40-£60. It does get on my nerves at times, as if we were to get the train then she'd have to pay for her ticket but never thinks to offer towards petrol costs, like somehow it's different?

My sister has a similar set up with her non-driving friend but her friend does offer money towards fuel and will sometimes pay for drinks or their meal out to kind of balance it out I guess. My friend has never done this (well, maybe paid for the odd drink but nothing that equates to what I've paid in fuel). She does expect a lot of lifts as well - for example last night around 12:30, she called me asking if I could pick her up from the train station as her connecting train had been cancelled. Apparently there were no taxis available (not sure if that's true as we live in a quiet area and it was a weeknight). I just don't think she wanted to pay for a taxi as probably would have been around £20-£30.

I did pick her up in the end as I didn't want to leave her stranded, but again no offer towards fuel. Just a thanks. I didn't get home until after 1am and I'm knackered this morning. That's probably why it's annoyed me more than usual.
I do love her and enjoy spending time with her, but I think because she doesn't drive she forgets it's not free to run a car.

AIBU?

OP posts:
notacooldad · 31/05/2023 12:56

I had a friend like that once.
I would ask her to pay for the parking. Sometimes that was probably more than the petrol.
Or I would say I'll drive but you get an extra round of drinks in.
There was no CFery with friend, just thoughtlessness and was happy to cough up without any prompts.
Ds has a friend through out college who transferred £10 a week to ds to cover lifts throughout their 2 years study time. Sometimes mate didn't need a lift sometimes they went across the country. Either way both seemed happy with this arrangement but I hadn't come across it before or since.

Soothingaftersun · 31/05/2023 13:00

As a non driver myself I am embarrassed for her. If I ever accept a lift I am grateful and always make sure I compensate (plus some) the driver not just for petrol money but for their effort and the inconvenience.

I would never ring someone for a lift. Friend is a CF . How to tell her after it's been going on for some time will be tricky though.

aloris · 31/05/2023 13:00

"This is kind of uncomfortable but you don't seem to realise that the etiquette of getting lifts from friends is that you are supposed to offer a contribution for petrol. If we have a half-hour drive to somewhere we're both going, the appropriate amount for you to contribute would be X. If you need a lift on your own for a half-hour, the appropriate amount would be Y, or you should get a taxi. Giving you lifts is tiring for me and I don't really want to be a free taxi service. It costs a lot of money for me to run a car and I feel you're taking advantage of me here."

ejbaxa · 31/05/2023 13:02

Calling you past midnight for a lift - and not even offering money/profuse apology - is utterly outrageous. I'd be binning her for that. She'll just continue to use you. She isn't a friend. Would you treat a friend like that?

mainsfed · 31/05/2023 13:07

You are being an utter mug, OP.

I would just tell her due to the cost of living, she needs to pay half of petrol.

And no more lifts.

CanofCant · 31/05/2023 13:11

I cannot believe you picked her up!

The only way this is going to stop is if you stand up for yourself. There is no point in being silently resentful.

If she's a true friend she will look at her behaviour and apologise. She is being unreasonable, selfish and thoughtless. If she kicks off you think of all the money you will save.

Verystressedsenmum · 31/05/2023 13:16

Totally your own fault op
ask for money towards petrol don’t assume they will have a pang of shame for not offering .
do not pick her up especially late at night .
even my own adult daughter wouldn’t ring me because she know it would be get a taxi .

nahwhale · 31/05/2023 13:18

Hello OP,

Yes she most certainly should be offering you petrol money. Why do you feel unable to ask her for petrol money? Would you feel offended if someone asked you for petrol money?

Namechange666 · 31/05/2023 13:19

You have allowed this to happen op.

Next time, when going away ask up front for halves on the petrol.

No more doing all these little extra favours in picking her up.

She'll soon learn once you exert your boundaries.

It would be nice to not have to say it but unfortunately some people are brass necked and will take up free as long as they can milk it.

Spanielsarepainless · 31/05/2023 13:25

Think you need to grow a pair, as they say, OP. Or a spine. And stop the lifts when you aren't going out. She's a CF.

Bluebells1970 · 31/05/2023 13:26

Invent a sudden medical condition that prevents you from driving until you've had further tests.

Then see how often she contacts you.

BMW6 · 31/05/2023 13:40

Well unless you tell her how pissed off you are with her attitude towards your petrol expenses she's gonna carry on taking the piss!

Don't be such a wuss. Next time tell her it's high time she started paying a fair amount towards petrol. Tell her furthermore to never ring you for a lift when taxis are available. If she can't afford it she'll have to reconsider going in the first place.

BMW6 · 31/05/2023 13:41

Oh and if this means losing her friendship - she wasn't a friend in the first place!

GasPanic · 31/05/2023 13:45

It's true that if you don't drive you may not realise the costs of running a car.

Tax, insurance, petrol, repairs and depreciation.

Maybe I would give her some gentle education in the above and see whether any contributions are forthcoming.

If not then she is being unreasonable.

Also, it's one issue to take her with you if you are going there too.

If one of my friends was in real trouble and for whatever reason could genuinely not call a taxi and needed my help then I would help them out (I am sure they would also offer to pay), in the hope they might return the favour one way or another.

It's quite another to be called up in the middle of the night and used as a general taxi service. To put it bluntly just stop that shit.

Therealjudgejudy · 31/05/2023 13:50

She is a user.

You have been a total mug.

Text her today and ask her to transfer you some money for the petrol last night. Her answer will say it all...

BashfulClam · 31/05/2023 14:00

Mil thinks cars run on air. She seems to think we run a totally free, 24/7 taxi service for her. We don’t grudge taking her shopping or to essential appointments when we can but when she wants us to drive 40 miles to buy two fake poppies it gets annoying. She never offers money or to buy a tea or anything. Is we go for a tea etc (always her request) she expects us to pay for that too. She’s better off than us and it would nice if she maybe said ‘oh since you drove I’ll pay’. She complained that her friend who drove used a voucher when it was her turn to pay for coffee. I raised my eyebrow and said ‘yes but the petrol etc probably cost the same.’ She thought a full tank of petroleum would cost about £15….

neilyoungismyhero · 31/05/2023 14:08

Maybe suggest a kitty for fuel etc. next time you go away just mention col going up.

anotherside · 31/05/2023 14:31

It can get quite expensive when we go away as normally I will pay for my accommodation, food, activities plus travel costs on top which can be an extra £40-£60

Not really about petrol specifically is it. Why do you pay for everything?

StaunchMomma · 31/05/2023 14:32

This would be so easily sorted if you just stood up for yourself in a normal, everyday fashion.

Can you pick me up? - No, sorry, I've had a drink.
Do you want to go to - sure but we'll have to share petrol, please. Petrol is very expensive now. - Any pushback then tell her fine, you'll go on the train and pay for your own tickets.

It really is that simple, OP!

You've been a bit of a doormat here, I'm afraid. Time to put your foot down.

anotherside · 31/05/2023 14:33

Oh ok I misread that. Just ask for some money toward petrol. Simpler than holding a grudge about it and writing a long post!

SplendidUtterly · 31/05/2023 14:34

If she is not offering you any petrol money she is being a CF for sure OP.

Ylvamoon · 31/05/2023 14:38

Just stop the whole thing.
But then I wouldbe cheeky andthest this friendship : "Sorry friend, petrol prices are astronomical at the moment, shall we take the train to X instead for a day out?"

Vallmo47 · 31/05/2023 14:38

She sounds like she’s taking you for granted a bit OP and to be honest before I learned how to drive I truly didn’t understand just how expensive running a car was. It’s not just petrol but the miles on the clock as well as parking costs etc. i always offered to contribute though and if this was declined I’d pay for drinks/meal etc. I’ve never ever asked a friend to get out of bed to collect me either. So tell her - tell her it’s very expensive keeping a car and could she she contribute. End of.

LookItsMeAgain · 31/05/2023 14:49

With the cost of petrol, you have to have a conversation with your non-driving friend @rainydays3.

Role play it with a family member if you need to before hand so that you know what you're going to say.

Tell her that you need her to contribute each time you give her a lift. You've worked out that for long journeys, she should pay for a full tank of petrol (either on the way or pay on the return journey. As you mention it yourself, if you went by train she would have to pay for her ticket so this is her contributing to the wear and tear on your car and the petrol to put in it.

OopsAnotherOne · 31/05/2023 14:51

I have several non-driving friends who all offer to pay their share towards petrol (plus a bit extra as appreciation for the fact I always drive), but it wouldn't occur to them not to. I also have a friend who drives but doesn't like motorways, so we split driving evenly so I'm not left doing the bulk of it and therefore out of pocket.

While your friend is clearly unusual compared to the non-drivers I know, whereby she doesn't think to offer petrol money, you do need to step up and ask her. It's not rude or offensive of you to do so! You can say something like "more than happy to drive but it's getting quite expensive to always drive everywhere so if we can split the cost of fuel from now on, that would be great" and then each time you go out, tell how how much her share of the fuel is without waiting for her to ask.

If she is anything other than forthcoming and perhaps a bit apologetic for not paying before, you can simply say "well as you can't afford your share of the petrol, I'm sure you'll understand that I'm simply unable to pay the full cost of petrol each time we go out along with maintaining the car plus paying for tax and insurance. Let's get the train from now on!"

I do think some non-drivers simply don't realise how much it costs to run a car, especially with increasing petrol prices. It isn't necessarily their first thought, in that they've never had to consider it for themselves, but they still aren't idiots and know that petrol isn't free. While you might have the car regardless of whether or not you take trips with her, the fact you are required to drive every time you go on a trip with her means you're unfairly taking on the whole burden of the travel costs and she needs to pay her share or stop expecting you to drive her around.