Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Non-driving friend

108 replies

rainydays3 · 31/05/2023 09:51

A close friend of mine doesn't drive and probably won't ever bother learning (her words).
We have been friends a long time and I love her to bits , but I do sometimes feel like she treats me like a free taxi service. It's almost as if petrol is free...

We do a lot of stuff together, normally go for days out, trips away and she's never once offered a contribution towards fuel. It can get quite expensive when we go away as normally I will pay for my accommodation, food, activities plus travel costs on top which can be an extra £40-£60. It does get on my nerves at times, as if we were to get the train then she'd have to pay for her ticket but never thinks to offer towards petrol costs, like somehow it's different?

My sister has a similar set up with her non-driving friend but her friend does offer money towards fuel and will sometimes pay for drinks or their meal out to kind of balance it out I guess. My friend has never done this (well, maybe paid for the odd drink but nothing that equates to what I've paid in fuel). She does expect a lot of lifts as well - for example last night around 12:30, she called me asking if I could pick her up from the train station as her connecting train had been cancelled. Apparently there were no taxis available (not sure if that's true as we live in a quiet area and it was a weeknight). I just don't think she wanted to pay for a taxi as probably would have been around £20-£30.

I did pick her up in the end as I didn't want to leave her stranded, but again no offer towards fuel. Just a thanks. I didn't get home until after 1am and I'm knackered this morning. That's probably why it's annoyed me more than usual.
I do love her and enjoy spending time with her, but I think because she doesn't drive she forgets it's not free to run a car.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Restee · 31/05/2023 10:29

I'm a non-driver (disability rather than disinclination) and wouldn't treat my friends like this. It's rude and disrespectful. PP have made good suggestions about how to address it with her, e.g. say that CoL is biting and petrol prices are crazy so you'd appreciate a contribution, etc. The asking for a lift at silly o'clock is another matter IMO, and massively takes the piss to another level unless there genuinely were no taxis or connections within a reasonable time. Is she selfish in other ways within the friendship?

AtrociousCircumstance · 31/05/2023 10:32

This issue here is with you - you haven’t yet found a way to ask for the appropriate contribution. Yes she should offer and no she shouldn’t manipulate you but, that’s what she’s doing.

So until you stand firm - ask for petrol money, and start saying you can’t/you’re busy to her extra requests - it will all continue. She’ll keep on using you without a second thought. So best to make a change, starting today.

MsRosley · 31/05/2023 10:33

She basically thinks you're a substitute parent. Stop pandering to her!

NeedToChangeName · 31/05/2023 10:34

I have a friend who doesn't drive. She checks Google Maps for the distance, calculates a mileage cost and transfers that exact amount to my bank account. I do appreciate that

Fraaahnces · 31/05/2023 10:34

Bloody hell! What a parasite! I would spell it out. “You seem to see me as your own taxi and it’s causing resentment. From now on, I expect you to contribute to half of the costs of any trips we do together. I honestly don’t understand why I have had to spell this out to you.”

johsq20 · 31/05/2023 10:42

You just need to ask her - if she's never driven or owned a car, she's probably just thinking that it's no bother as you'd be driving there anyway so not really an extra cost.

If she's your friend and you love her that much etc just be upfront about it instead of waiting around expecting her to offer.

johsq20 · 31/05/2023 10:42

The phone call at night to collect her is a different story! Firm no from me - she can call a taxi the same way she called you!!

ActDottie · 31/05/2023 10:43

Ask her for petrol money… easy.

As she doesn’t drive she may not realise the cost of fuel and how expensive it is.

Lastqueenofscotland2 · 31/05/2023 10:43

Why are you paying for everything?! One of my best friends is usually a bit skint, when I see her we do cheap things! Make a coffee at home and go to the park for a walk, go round to a house and chill in the garden with a supermarket cider etc.

GoalShooter · 31/05/2023 10:46

OP isn't paying for everything.... just petrol (plus her own accommodation costs etc).

pontipinemum · 31/05/2023 10:49

Giving her the benefit of the doubt, does she just think 'you are going there anyway and it would cost you the same in diesel if she was there or not?'

Maybe never having been the driver it doesn't really cross her mind to pay for it.

HelloThereChatGBT · 31/05/2023 10:50

Ask for money you absolute doormat.

Text:

"Morning! Am absolutely zonked this morning after that emergency run. Can you please ping me some petrol money? £20. Thanks!"

Lcb123 · 31/05/2023 10:51

Have you actually asked? Someone who’s never driven perhaps doesn’t realise fuel costs. Just say ‘the petrol for this trip costs £xxx, please can you give me half’

shiningstar2 · 31/05/2023 11:00

She should be paying her share. I can understand it is difficult asking for petrol money if it isn't offered. This would be ok on a rare occasion but every time you go out it's not on. You could start going out on the bus or train with her, saying the fare is cheaper than petrol or refuse to go far in the car. For example ...we can only go to the park/beach/event 3 miles away as I can't afford more petrol. If she offers to pay ..good ...if she doesn't ...stick to your guns even if you like her company. As for expecting taxi type lifts late at night ...a definite no. You can start by saying sorry I've had a couple of glasses of wine, sorry I'm in bed with a migraine ext if you find a straight no too hard. Also don't see texts you suspect are asking for lifts. In these instances not only is she using your money, clearly your time list is of no consideration to her.

2bazookas · 31/05/2023 11:00

She's milking you, and the CF can only get away with it because you let her.
Trust me, anybody who doesn't drive and uses public transport or deliveries, knows it costs.

Don't pick her up from the station. Tell her you' won't drive because you've had a drink/taken medication.

When you arrange the next social outing by car, say "I'd like you to start contributing a fiver to the car costs for our outings. ". Make the same charge every time, short or long journeys; she'll soon get the message.

weegiemum · 31/05/2023 11:01

I can't drive for medical reasons (also, was spectacularly shit at driving before I got sick) but I always pay fuel to friends. She's being a cf and you shouldn't let her get away with it!

2bazookas · 31/05/2023 11:02

Someone who’s never driven perhaps doesn’t realise fuel costs.

Oh yes they do, because they pay for buses, taxis, trains and deliveries.

Topseyt123 · 31/05/2023 11:06

Why the hell did you go out and collect her at 12.30am? That is a huge pisstake from her. I wouldn't even have seen the message until the next morning.

Most phones do have a "do not disturb" function, which is very useful for stopping such overnight cheeky fuckery.

As for the rest, remind her that driving does have associated costs and fuel is not free. Ask her directly to give £££ for her share of the trip.

Stop letting her do this.

MumblesParty · 31/05/2023 11:07

You've set yourself up as a free taxi service and this will continue unless you put a stop to it.

Rising fuel prices and cost of living gives you the perfect opportunity to re-set this dynamic. Just say that with the increasing cost of petrol you're going to have to ask for a financial contribution when you go on trips etc.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 31/05/2023 11:09

OP, in the nicest way, stop being a mug.

1offnamechange · 31/05/2023 11:12

Say a complete no to absolute joke requests like being asked to be picked up late at night- say you've had a drink or car isn't working or just don't answer.

For other things as everyone else has said JUST ASK. if you plan something just say "hoe are we getting there? train tickets will cost twenty quid each or if I drive it will be about fifteen quid by the time you include petrol and parking, are you OK to send me £7.50?" If she says no then "no worries let's take the train."
And do that every time.

rookiemere · 31/05/2023 11:13

I think last nights situation gives you a chance to reframe this. For your next trip I'd just say up front that you would like to split petrol cost's going forward and be a lot less available for lifts at short notice.

I'd say to friend next time you see her to make sure she has the Uber app on her phone so she has another option if she finds herself in that situation again.

You're not a taxi and she is taking the mickey big style.

Wishimaywishimight · 31/05/2023 11:20

I can't believe you went and picked her up at that time of night - too right she is treating you like an (unpaid!) taxi service. There is being nice and there is being a mug and you are absolutely being the latter. Stop giving her lifts unless it is somewhere you are both going and you need to start looking for payment for fuel. Next time she phones you at that hour of the night you will know it's not just for a chat so just ignore her. She's not a child, she will make her own way home.

Seriously, this situation is not going to change unless you change it!

LizzieW1969 · 31/05/2023 11:37

She isn’t treating you as a taxi driver, as a taxi driver would charge her. She’s treating you as her unpaid chauffeur. Or creating a parent-child dependency on you.

Unless she’s particularly young, I don’t buy that she doesn’t know that fuel costs money. Surely she’s been with you when you’ve filled up with petrol and paid for it anyway??

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 31/05/2023 11:40

2bazookas · 31/05/2023 11:02

Someone who’s never driven perhaps doesn’t realise fuel costs.

Oh yes they do, because they pay for buses, taxis, trains and deliveries.

Yeah they really do, that's why she didn't want to pay for a taxi. OP just tell her no more from now on, she either contributes or gets her own way there. Don't do anymore late night pickups. She's very cheeky.

Swipe left for the next trending thread