Hate being asked what I do

[EggDaisy]

AIBU to think this is a bit of a personal question and it's rude to ask?

"Where do you work?"
"What do you do?"
"What profession are you in?"

Etc.

I find it really invasive and wish people wouldn't ask! My situation is not straight forward so it takes a bit of explanation, and giving any level of information to a stranger who has just asked makes me feel uncomfortable.

Why is it anyone's buisness? I feel like they want to know where I "fit" - as in, am I skilled, roughly what that role would earn, what type of person am I; be honest, people judge you differently based on your job. You can be stereotyped so easily too.

Now I just reply "Oh, I do this and that."

YANBU. I hate intrusive questions. I wouldn't dream of ask someone about their job. Supposing they're unemployed they may not want to tell you that.

It's a normal question. Work is a big part of us, we spend a lot of our waking hours doing it. It's normal to be curious what someone is doing with a big chunk of their life.

You just need to find a way of answering that works for you.

For example, my friend is a social worker but doesn't like to divulge it, because he often then gets sucked into a conversation about custody and violent exes. So he just says 'I work in local government'. 90% of the time, people's eyes just glaze over and the conversation moves on.

You have to accept it's a normal thing for people to ask you, though. I don't understand why you are so annoyed about it. It's not rude or about 'categorisation' or how much you earn - you must have a very negative view of people to think that way! It's just curiosity about who you are and what you do with your life.

You're not being unreasonable OP. I hate this question too, because while some people are just making small talk, for others it's just so they can make judgements.

I actually work at Exec level so it's not that I feel ashamed or would be looked down on, I dislike the judgement that comes with "I wouldn't have expected someone like you (paraphrasing) to be in that role" type comments that I have received throughout the whole of my career.

Now I keep it vague and say finance or I work with numbers.

Op if you meet someone new are you genuinely completed disinterested in how they spend their time? I’m always interested to know what people do because people do such a wide range of stuff, it’s fascinating to get an insight into other peoples worlds. I’m also happy to chat about what I do if anyone asks, people often have follow up questions and I don’t think I’ve ever felt that I was being assessed for my status

It's a question with many layers. It is partly about simply making conversation but of course it does also categorise. The categorisation is only an issue if the person being being categorised has an issue with what they do and that is their issue and/or problem, not that of the person asking the question.

We all categorise others all the time. We do it as soon as people open their mouths, from what they wear, their nails, their eyebrows, etc. At my local shopping centre yesterday in the lift it was easy to tell who was probably from which part of town.

As a mother I'd always ask a mum I bump into from school what their dc are up to. Especially the dc who sat at my kitchen table, or were part of the beavers/rugby/cricket gang and bounced around the back of my car. I was fond of their child and I am interested in what they do and whether they were happy.

Being asked what you do is mildly nosy compared to being asked "what does your husband do?", or worse "what does your father do?". Nobody ever asked me what my mother did.

People are just making conversation. They don't care what you do

This. Default opening question from the imagination free person who is uncomfortable with silence.

But "what do you do" doesn't just mean work. I don't have a conventional 9-5 job either and I do lots of things - I work freelance part time, volunteer, study. People trying to pigeonhole me would have a hard time doing so.

If it's "intrusive" to ask about family, work, or really anything other than the weather, I am starting to see why so many people on MN struggle with social interaction.

<< Common sense says it’s about the context in which you meet them. For example if you meet them at an amateur writers course, you could talk to them about what books they like. If you meet them through a friend of a friend/relative/neighbour ask them how they met the person in common which will throw up an answer you can talk about (if they say they met at a car show, you ask what sort of cars they are into etc, if they say they met with kids at school you could then talk about kids). That’s how you make conversation with people you don’t know, as opposed to upfront grilling them about their occupation, or other personal attributes such as marital status, child status, where they live etc >>

This, 100% ! This is conversational skill, not lazy and superficial questions that can pigeonhole and, as shown from the varied responses on here, can make the other person feel uncomfortable for all kinds of reasons.

It think those who tend towards anxiousness and paranoia might gain from recognising that there is a more socially confident and kind portion of the population for whom conversation is a skill, concerned with putting other people at ease, then drawing them out gently. These people need you to give them something to work with. Help them, so they can help you.

Yes, there are also confident people without good social skills who say tactless things. So if they annoy you, avoid them.

I really don’t think asking people what work they do is usually asked judgementally but maybe I’m naive. I struggle to think of many other safe conversations though unless we’re all going to be constantly talking about the weather….

God knows.

can’t really ask about religion or politics to someone you’ve just met. I couldn’t give a shit about local schools. Don’t want to ask about kids or partners incase that upsets someone.

I guess maybe non political current affairs?

But if someone I’d just met didn’t ask a single thing about me or tell me anything about themselves and went straight into asking what I thought about Philip Schofield or Roland Garros I’d think it was slightly unusual.

..and when I say 'draw them out' I mean find mutually enjoyable topics to talk about, people to introduce them to etc. Nothing painful!

I usually ask to make chit chat. I mostly don't really care what you do. If it's something exciting, like tightrope walker, I'll keep talking about it but otherwise just move on. I am not judging the response unless it's, like, drug dealer or something.

When I was looking to change career I'd ask this question a lot, and was really interested. So many jobs out there which I didn't know existed. I was asking to find out if anything sparked my interest for a career I hadn't considered.

Sure, some people might judge, but they'd judge you regardless.

If someone said "this and that" I'd assume they either didn't want to talk to me, did something shameful, did something very secret like "Spy", or maybe something which people would ask personal questions about which aren't appropriate, like "Kate Middleton's PA". Most likely of those would be "doesn't want to talk to me".

I used to have a hard to describe job and would just say "I work in consultancy" and move on.

I don't think it's a particularly invasive or personal question. I think if you think this, it's due to your own insecurities about your own situation but it doesn't mean the person asking if means any harm or insult. If your situation is complex, I think it's fine to gloss over it - going into a long explanation may well prompt more questions because the person thinks you want to talk about its, not the opposite.

I understand what you mean OP. When I tell people what I do (or did - Im retired) it tends to be a bit of a conversation-stopper and I do feel people change their opinion of me which is a shame. I imagine this happens a lot to politicians (never ever my job!!). I now tend to say I did as little as possible which seems to come over as friendly rather than as “Shan’t tell you”. PS I worked very hard, btw!

I always get slightly embarrassed because my title is long and my job role is a little bit of this and that. But I love my job and normally leads on to some interesting discussions. Also allows me to realise quickly if people are idiots who I won't like because I work in SEN and some people come out with some horrid/odd/discriminatory stuff that means I wouldn't want them near me or my kids.

As a question I think it's fairly standard in polite conversation

I would, and the person that said say “financial services”, and people won’t ask anything else! But then I’m a very curious person.
I’m interested in how people got into what they did…it opens a story of that persons life and their interests , I’m interested in different work. My DS works in civil service- I’d certainly be asking what sector, location etc - I’d want to know if you’d ever worked with my son🤣🤣🤣🤷🏼‍♀️. Same with financial services, I’d want to know if you’re an insurance assessors to lack risk mitigation, a banker to explain interest rate policy to me etc etc.
that’s kind of the ping asking…it’s the opener to get a conversation going.

My fil will basically interview anyone he meets, he wants their career to date. He thinks it's showing interest, I on the other hand find it nosey and basically him sizing people up to pigeon hole them. Your job doesn't define who you are, yes it's what you spend a lot of your time doing but for many it's just a way to get by in life. A few of my friend's have the sorts of careers where people will ask them for advice, one is a psychologist, one is a doctor and another is a lawyer. They have admitted to changing their job when asked by random strangers at party's/weddings as they can't be bothered with the "can I just ask you for some advice" "no!". I often find I can't be fussed to explain my job or field the questions I get asked, I have a career type job but there's waaay more interesting things to talk about!

I agree.

Although I find the more general question 'what do you do?' is better because it doesn't explicitly mention work. If someone doesn't work they can then talk about whatever their hobbies/ interests are and what they enjoy in life.

If I'm asked 'what do you do?' I don't always talk about work (even though I have a good job) - sometimes I talk about my hobby which takes up a lot of my free time.

I think most people aren't judging, it's just general small talk.

It's something I'd never ask, there are so many other things to converse about.

But the people who will judge you for what you do will probably also judge you for the way you speak, what you're wearing, and any number of other things that may come in conversation. You can't avoid judgey people judging you for something. You'd have to never speak to anyone if you're trying to avoid someone judging you. If someone were to judge me for what I do I really don't care, any more than if they judge me for what I'm wearing or my accent.

I don't like to answer this.

Just lie. Say something boring people won't probe. Eg admin, boring office job, civil service, council, an office in town etc.

I didn't mind until I gave up my job to be a sahm. Then it annoyed me, as I saw the judgment in their eyes. People judge and place value on certain jobs.

I was a supply teacher by choice. However, I worked full time for an agency and if they didn't have work for me(which was extremely rare) then I got paid anyway as I had a permanent contract with them. I did mainly long term contracts with schools but also day to day work. I did this full time. A woman at a party once asked me what I did. As soon as I said supply teacher, she said "oh, so you just earn a bit of pocket money then, that's nice". I've also been asked outright why I couldn't get a permanent teaching job (I have my own personal reasons that I didn't want to expand upon with strangers). I started to answer just "teacher' when asked but then got asked where at etc and if I was moving around different schools at the time this was awkward. People definitely do judge.

I know that feeling as a doctor's wife socialising with a lot of doctors!

I have my own professional career, hold registration on two different professional registers, have been working my way up within my 'industry' for the past ten years and earn roughly the same as he does currently (though he will exceed my earnings eventually). I can't tell you the number of times we've gone to some barbecue or something and the conversation has started and ended with

'So Lemons, are you a medic too?'
'No! I'm a job'
'Oh'

And then turn to talk to someone else and pay no attention to including me for the rest of the event lol. It's quite unusual in these circles to have a doctor married to someone who isn't a doctor and as soon as they realise I'm not one they instantly lose interest in my having anything to contribute to the conversation. Happy to say my DH isn't like that in the slightest though!

It's not an intrusive question, it's small talk. I was unemployed for a while, and it didn't bother me to tell people that, but if it does bother someone they could make something up.

I really don't understand MN, so many posters being offended by the most innocent things. You must really find life tough.