AIBU to be pissed off by the sheer level of laziness in my home

[Akiddleydiveytoo]

OK, full disclosure, I can be guilty of being a little bit lazy at times but fucking hell - my family can turn it into an Olympic sport 🤬. Here are some examples (for context, I live with my DH and our 2 DDs (13 & 16)).

1. DD1s (only) chore is to empty and load the dishwasher which she has to be nagged and nagged to do Every. Single. Day. As a result my kitchen is ALWAYS full of dirty dishes. Occasionally I will get fed up and do them myself (as I'm sick of seeing dirty dishes everywhere and I actually need to free up some workspace to prepare dinner) but I know that by doing that, all I'm teaching her is that if she leaves it long enough I'll do it.

1. Similarly, DD2s (only) chore is to empty the bins and take the recycling out. Again, despite repeated nagging this gets put off and put off until we're playing bin Jenga and we have empty tins and bottles etc all over the kitchen.

1. Nothing ever gets put directly into the bin. Last night we had a rare MaccyDs and DH plated all of our food out and just left the empty food wrappers on the kitchen worktop - less that 2ft from the bin!

1. Both DDs pull everything out of their wardrobes when deciding what to wear and just dump them on the floor. When I ask them to tidy up their rooms they just scoop up all of their (unworn, washed and ironed) clothes off the floor and put them back in the dirty laundry basket so they don't have to hang them back up again.

1. DH is completely incapable off lifting the lid on our laundry bin to put his dirty clothes in and just leaves them sitting on the top which means that when I have to put my dirty clothes in there I either have to put his in there as well or just lift up the lid and let his clothes just fall on the floor (which I've started doing more and more often but it doesn't make a difference - they just stay on the floor for a week).

1. All our clean towels and bedclothes get stored in our airing cupboard where most of the shelves are above my head beyond my reach. I keep a little step ladder in there so I can put stuff on the higher shelves but this often goes walkabout. In these cases, I usually leave the clean towels/bedclothes on our bed until I locate the ladder to put them away. DH will go to bed early and, instead of putting the stuff away (as he's over a foot taller than me and can reach the shelves easily) will just move the stuff over to my side of the bed and go to bed. He does this with anything that might be left on the bed during the day (he always goes to bed first) e.g. it was DD2s birthday the other week and she opened her presents on our bed and left most of them there all day (as we went out for the day). Sure enough, when I went to bed they were all neatly moved over to my side of the bed and DH was snoring away on his side.

1. Our spare room is in desperate need of decorating. We haven't painted it once since we moved in 13 years ago. We bought new wardrobes for the room a couple of years ago so said to DH we need to paint the walls before putting the wardrobes up. I go to work for the day and come home to find DH has painted the wall BUT only the patch that will be covered by the wardrobes - the painting literally stops halfway down the wall. DH said he just wanted to get the wardrobes up and that he'd finish the painting at a later date - that was 2 years ago!

I could go on and on but i won't. I really am despairing, honestly. The sheer level of laziness is really starting to piss me off. I'm generally a pretty laid back, easy going sort but years of this shit and constantly living in a messy, dirty (as I can't get to any surfaces to actually clean them) house has turned my into a whinging, nagging harridan which I hate.

So make me feel better - tell me your stories of lazy fuckery.

I sympathise. If I ask for anything to be done I get accused of being a nag, so I don’t ask and do it all myself. Sometimes I could cry with frustration. I’d be very happy if DH said he was leaving.

You need sanctions. No chores, or having to be reminded= reduction in pocket money, or no lifts etc, whatever suits.

I only have sympathy. I find it so so depressing in my house and frequently have a complete fit about it all when I am accused of nagging. I have decided I want to live in a lovely small house/ flat by myself (with the dog). I am not even joking. Sanctions work temporarily and then I have to lose my shit again. I HATE being the only one who see the mess !!! Burn the house down 😂 (when no one is in it)

@Akiddleydiveytoo my kids are much younger than yours and do a lot more! I would get them stepping up asap! As for your DH I would be having serious conversations. Being lazy is one thing but putting more on your plate to get it off his is outrageous. How thoughtless. He should be making your life easier/ better not worse

So no.4 I have dealt with by getting the daughter to do a couple of washes to completion. Make it their problem. Your husband sounds awful and so selfish. I could actually forgive 7 if that were the only issue, the day to day stuff is so much worse.

I think it's time for (another?) family meeting. Tell them you're pissed off nagging them and ask what suggestions they have. We tie jobs to other things like dinner, which helps a bit, but it's still a constant battle. DS is autistic so we expect to scaffold etc but it gets extremely wearing.

Oh yes. I bloody well sympathise.

I threw a HUGE wobbly this morning over similar things. NOTHING seems to happen in this house unless I do it. I run round after DH, DS and the dog looking after them - but WHO looks after me??? None of them.

I went out shortly after that rant. When I got back, DH had done himself a list of chores that he could do each day (emptying recycling and food bins, wiping down sink area etc), printed it out and stuck it on his wall at eye level so he can see it while he is working and be reminded. He had also pegged out what was in the washing machine and put on another load.

DS has put all his clean washing AWAY - not left it on bedroom floor to get muddled up with dirty - and also picked up all the dirty and put it in his laundry basket and brought that downstairs, and he has cleared his room of dirty dishes and put them in the dishwasher.

No idea how long it will last - but my eruption this morning certainly hit home!!

I've tried sanctions but, as a PP said, they only work for a short while and then its back to business as usual. Also - not sure what sanctions I can place on my DH (apart from the obvious but we've been together 25 years so we hardly do that anymore anyway 😂).

I’m not surprised you’re pissed off! Teenagers can be oblivious and annoying, but your husband sounds utterly useless. I’d leave his clothes on the floor until the end of time, lazy arse.

At 13 and 16, my sons’ rooms were left up to them. Your girls should be taking responsibility for their own stuff at these ages.

Ours stripped and washed their bedding weekly and did all of their own laundry. You’ll find if their clothes aren’t getting washed and dried, your daughters will change their ways. Our 2 have never been the type to eat in their rooms, and we didn’t really care what state they got into as long as the bedding was clean. Luckily, they are both fairly fastidious about having a clean room.

I would go mental if people weren’t loading the dishwasher or putting things in the bin. That’s just not on as it’s such a simple and quick thing to do. It’s really laziness on an extraordinary level, I think you need to go on strike.

I'd wake DH up to move it if he dumped a load of stuff on my side of the bed like that.

I agree - nobody else seems to see (or care about) the shit we're living in day in day out and I hate constantly having to be the nag. It's really depressing.

I love my family dearly (even my lazy ass DH) but Christ could I throttle them sometimes?

You tell them the deadline for doing their chore, like 6pm. If they haven't done it by 6pm, then you turn the wifi off and it doesn't go on until the job is done.
It works every single time in my house. They now do what needs to be done in a panic before we even have to turn it off.

The bed one is by far the worst. I'd be absolutely raging.

A lot easier to say than do and requires ovaries of steel while you inwardly itch to sort everything out rather than live in chaos, but just stop doing it all.

Give them all fair warning: I'm fed up with being taken for granted and treated like a skivvy. From now on everyone is responsible for their own laundry and if the kitchen worktops aren't clear/dishwasher sorted, I won't be cooking dinner either. Then stick to it.

I am ruthless with this because it's so disrespectful. My house functions well though and my kids will be able to manage perfectly well when they leave home.

If DH moved shit to my side of the bed so he could sleep rather than putting it away I'd honestly just toss it on him while he was sleeping. I don't put up with this crap.

I like your style - I'm definitely going to do that. WiFi is their kryptonite (especially DD2) 😁

It's time to properly lose your shit op.

kids do chores by x time or they lose wifi/pocket money/whatever, and follow
through. DH gets everything he leaves lying around put in a bin bag and disposed of if he doesn't put it where it's supposed to be. Stop letting them get away with it.

Another one sending sympathies, OP

My mother lives with us (me and 2DC, 15 & 11), and honestly she is the worst of the three of them! Constantly leaves smears on the fridge handle / cupboards, leaves worktops dirty, etc, and doesn’t flush the toilet properly or make sure it’s clean after her - it’s soul destroying.

DD11 is quite neat, but is a bit careless clothes-wise.

DS is messy day to day but will have a big clean up every week or two so it never gets to tipping point.

I honestly don’t know what the answer is to everyone being more aware and chipping in, though 🤷🏼‍♀️

Absolutely. I’d wake up DH and lose my shit over this one.
I sympathise with you, and have no other answer than the above… lose your shit. Ive just done that with DS after the revolting state he’s left the bathroom in through sheer laziness.
If he dumps clean clothes in the laundry basket to save hanging them up I dump them back on his bed and lose my shit again. I eventually stop doing his washing, but then he just wears DH’s so 🤷‍♀️
There is no other answer I can give. I’m sick of it too.

Would it be worth sitting your family down and saying, very calmly, that as no one apart from you is doing anything, you are now officially going on strike. Only do your own washing, cooking, washing your own plate, knife, fork etc. Get a small bin for yourself and lock it if necessary! Only empty that. It will be horrible to see your house such a mess but even your children are eventually going to hate wearing dirty clothes, have nothing to eat on etc. After 2 weeks sit everyone down again and say 'right well seeing that the house is a total bomb site we've established that I do everything around here. Are you going to do your fair share or shall I carry on just looking after myself?' Then make them all join in the big clean up.

I'd finish decorating the spare room myself and move in on my own .. a lovely peaceful haven all to yourself and ignore the rest of them.

Your dds must have something they want?

Phone, WiFi money?

They dont get any of those things until they do their chores which now includes their own washing

Your dh stop doing anything for him. No washing cooking, nothing

As long as you keep enabling and tolerating it, it will continue.

(Get lower shelves in your airing cupboard and pay someone to decorate your spare room)

Your husband doesn’t do anything and leaves it to you, so the kids have followed the example of let mum do it.

When they scoop all their clean clothes into the laundry what happens? Surely they’re giving themselves a bigger job as they then need to wash, iron, and put them away all over again?

With the kitchen stuff, I’d just tell the girls you’ve ordered takeaway for yourself/you’re going out for a burger/cooked eggs on toast for yourself since they haven’t done their jobs so you can’t do yours and prepare a meal for them. They’re not toddlers, I was running my own home at your oldest girl’s age.

The husband thing would be a dealbreaker for me. If you can’t or won’t talk to him about it then it will just continue and you’ll always live in mess.

Can you just stop doing anyone else's laundry?
Let them all do their own.
(useful life skill for teens to learn anyway)

My DD is 4 and she puts all her rubbish in the bin, dirty clothes either straight in the washing machine if she puts her pjs on downstairs or the washing basket if upstairs (inc her baby brothers) I do have to ask her to do this and she puts any plates/bowls/cups or bottles she has used on the side, I know the novelty will wear off with my DD but at that point chores will get linked to treats or pocket money

your DDs should be doing more, at their ages both myself and DB had a list of chores inc each cooking the family tea once a week

she isn’t great at tidying her toys but under threat of them all going in the bin they are tidied away before I can even turn round

Love the Wifi idea.

I’d also get them to choose their chore so they have some (limited) feeling of ownership and choice; write a list of chores and ask them to pick which one is going to be theirs going forward.