AIBU to be pissed off by the sheer level of laziness in my home

[Akiddleydiveytoo]

OK, full disclosure, I can be guilty of being a little bit lazy at times but fucking hell - my family can turn it into an Olympic sport 🤬. Here are some examples (for context, I live with my DH and our 2 DDs (13 & 16)).

1. DD1s (only) chore is to empty and load the dishwasher which she has to be nagged and nagged to do Every. Single. Day. As a result my kitchen is ALWAYS full of dirty dishes. Occasionally I will get fed up and do them myself (as I'm sick of seeing dirty dishes everywhere and I actually need to free up some workspace to prepare dinner) but I know that by doing that, all I'm teaching her is that if she leaves it long enough I'll do it.

1. Similarly, DD2s (only) chore is to empty the bins and take the recycling out. Again, despite repeated nagging this gets put off and put off until we're playing bin Jenga and we have empty tins and bottles etc all over the kitchen.

1. Nothing ever gets put directly into the bin. Last night we had a rare MaccyDs and DH plated all of our food out and just left the empty food wrappers on the kitchen worktop - less that 2ft from the bin!

1. Both DDs pull everything out of their wardrobes when deciding what to wear and just dump them on the floor. When I ask them to tidy up their rooms they just scoop up all of their (unworn, washed and ironed) clothes off the floor and put them back in the dirty laundry basket so they don't have to hang them back up again.

1. DH is completely incapable off lifting the lid on our laundry bin to put his dirty clothes in and just leaves them sitting on the top which means that when I have to put my dirty clothes in there I either have to put his in there as well or just lift up the lid and let his clothes just fall on the floor (which I've started doing more and more often but it doesn't make a difference - they just stay on the floor for a week).

1. All our clean towels and bedclothes get stored in our airing cupboard where most of the shelves are above my head beyond my reach. I keep a little step ladder in there so I can put stuff on the higher shelves but this often goes walkabout. In these cases, I usually leave the clean towels/bedclothes on our bed until I locate the ladder to put them away. DH will go to bed early and, instead of putting the stuff away (as he's over a foot taller than me and can reach the shelves easily) will just move the stuff over to my side of the bed and go to bed. He does this with anything that might be left on the bed during the day (he always goes to bed first) e.g. it was DD2s birthday the other week and she opened her presents on our bed and left most of them there all day (as we went out for the day). Sure enough, when I went to bed they were all neatly moved over to my side of the bed and DH was snoring away on his side.

1. Our spare room is in desperate need of decorating. We haven't painted it once since we moved in 13 years ago. We bought new wardrobes for the room a couple of years ago so said to DH we need to paint the walls before putting the wardrobes up. I go to work for the day and come home to find DH has painted the wall BUT only the patch that will be covered by the wardrobes - the painting literally stops halfway down the wall. DH said he just wanted to get the wardrobes up and that he'd finish the painting at a later date - that was 2 years ago!

I could go on and on but i won't. I really am despairing, honestly. The sheer level of laziness is really starting to piss me off. I'm generally a pretty laid back, easy going sort but years of this shit and constantly living in a messy, dirty (as I can't get to any surfaces to actually clean them) house has turned my into a whinging, nagging harridan which I hate.

So make me feel better - tell me your stories of lazy fuckery.

I'd throw all the shit on the bed on his head op! And then tell him to fuck off to the sofa.

Stop cooking and doing anyone else's laundry! Seriously. Just do your own. They need to learn and they need to learn respect.

You're a pushover at the moment!

Stop shouting and stop doing anything for them. Cook yourself a decicious meal, have nice laundered clothes. Say nothing. Just smile and shrug.

Stop being a skivvy!

Them 'stop nagging'

You ' I'm not nagging, I'm also not your skivvy - so get your jobs done please!'

That might work better on the husband the WiFi switch off on the kids?

But yeah I'd be decorating the spare room as my space and beggar the rest of them they way their treat you - so disrespectful.

So I actually would not give putting away the dishes as a chore. We do have that in my family (my dh's idea) and it's a pain because it's a foundation chore. If the clean dishes aren't put away, then dirty dishes can't be put into the dishwashwer, which means you can't wipe down the counters or scrub the sink etcetera. It has a massive domino effect. They need to do things at the top of the work pyramid, not things at the bottom.

I would switch it out with things that take work off your plate but that cause less of a domino effect. Vacuuming, dusting, doing their own laundry, folding and putting away their own laundry, cleaning toilets (!!!), scrubbing the kitchen sink, and so on. This will teach them a greater variety of skills and you can put your effort into other areas.

sounds like you enabled them too much OP, hard to come back from it and involves you becoming bitchy mum/wife until they listen and do the stuff they are meant to!
my kids hated housework and still do but it has to be done so we all get in with it
good luck!

Could you compose an advertisement for the local community website/ newspaper and read it aloud next dinnertime along the lines of " Desperately seeking housekeeper to clean, cook, wash, iron, load dishwasher, remove rubbish and generally pander to three children (2 teens and 1 35+). Wages will be paid by said children. " If that doesn't stop them mid-munch, say you are going to
down tools tomorrow 9am.., everything not completed goes into the appropriate lazy arses bedroom (including the rubbish bin) or side of the bedroom for DH. And takeaways for yourself until the kitchen is sorted. Treat the house like a flat share, everyone is responsible for themselves if they choose not to live like a mutually respectful family. 😉 Cue the howls of protest....you will need ovaries of steel , but it may trigger some improvement.

Well, she hasn't tried that approach 🤷🏻‍♀️

Her DDs have one tiny job each. She isn't giving them the responsibility nor is she working collectively with them on household tasks.

Taking away things they need / matter will maybe work briefly but IME just breeds resentment.

It's not easy but she has to get them doing it as part of living in a home.

The 'D'H is a much bigger problem tho

Modelling the behaviour you want’ sounds like ‘do it all yourself and hope they follow suit.’ Can you really see that being successful?

No, that's not what I meant.

Yes, I agree some form of 'if you want x you need to do y' is probably needed (like my DS with sports).

But she needs to round them up, get everyone including herself (and presumably DH tho I'm not too sure about how to deal with him, not having one!) and set tasks for everyone. Collectively they work together.

'Modellling the behaviour' refers to the approach, not the housework. Taking stuff away from teens is usually counter-productive unless in very specific situations.

They are basically good kids, just very easily overwhelmed (one autistic, one anxious) and it is just exhausting.

I think that's a whole other perspective Mydusa and I can understand needing to take a different approach.

I think some core jobs, maybe daily, rather than a rota? Less work for you, easier for them to take on?

Eg in our house whoever sees the dishwasher finished is expected to do it, and I just remind them if needed. So it isn't one person's job but they all do it. Same with drying up & washes. Even if they did that much on a regular basis it would be good?

It's definitely not worth them being overwhelmed or sad!

I mean maybe this would work for some families.

It wouldn't in mine, and I'd be the most stressed.

I don't get the downing tools as a method of encouraging the DC to do more. They are not doing it now, they aren't used to how to do it so they won't do more when OP does less.

With the DH it's a different situation of course.

@DustyLee123 I could have written that same post word for word.

@Akiddleydiveytoo I feel your pain. My DH is exactly the same in every way and my DC with their clothes too. I'm at breaking point. I'm the only one who does anything indoors, ever.

I would give the kids different chores. I can't bear dirty crockery and unemptied bins so I do all that myself. I'd die of frustration if I had to live in filth like that.

Can't you give them washing putting away or dusting or something instead rather than something that makes your home into a stinky pit if it's not done?

@EarringsandLipstick

So why is it ok for the op to be resentful but not the kids?

They are ripping the piss massively and that needs dealt with.

Don't pull your weight. Don't get rewards

DH sounds like he just doesn't care- that thing about him moving stuff to you side of the bed is really shitty.
If DH did that to me, I'd be making a huge noise moving it, put the lights on , bang doors etc while getting the steps out. I might even instigate a big row ( at the time I went to bed, not the next day.)
If he leaves his clothes in the way, just put them in a bin bag and shove it out of the way. I certainly wouldn't be washing clothes that hadn't even been put in the laundry box.
I would ( and have) stop doing the washing and ironing for people who put it on the floor or back into the wash unworn. Tell them once that you are no longer doing their laundry, offer a washing machine lesson, and leave it at that. Shut the door to their bedroom so you don't see the mess.
Get really tough. They are not respecting you or your time, they don't deserve to be waited on.
I might add, I was perfectly able do my own washing and ironing from about 10, so I know this is not an unreasonable ask.

You have my sympathies, but I have solved this problem. After my DH passed a few years ago, I was left with two adult children at home, shortly to be joined by their partners. I couldn't cope with living with such lazy people so used my inheritance to build an annexe on our house. I now live in a beautiful shiny new clean and tidy one-bedroomed annexe and the children all inhabit the dirty smelly old house. It took at few months before my DS changed his bedlinnen (I guess that happened when the girlfriend moved in) and for them all to discover the vacuum cleaner. They are getting much better, although when I pop next door for something, I often notice a huge pile of washing-up by the sink or washing in a heap. I just smile to myself, get what I needed and walk away. Bliss.

Have you thought of a couple of trips to joint counselling? Let him see you mean business. Imo being treated like a skivvy long term wears away all sorts of feelings in a marriage, including desire.

I agree with the person who said that the kids are following suit from him.

I'd be inclined to pick a nice colour and just paint the spare room this weekend. Appropriate the wardrobes and move in. Add a hot plate so you can fend for yourself. Leave all laundry, washing, bins etc to the rest of them.

Don't understand your post.

OP is resentful as her family are lazy.

She wants them to pull their weight & do more household tasks.

Taking away privileges is unlikely to make that happen long term.

I've explained in earlier posts what might be worth a try.

Just taking away privileges or downing tools (OP) is likely to lead to resentful kids AND a messy house

@EarringsandLipstick

I'm asking why its not ok for kids to feel resentment?

Why should the op care of they feel resentment that they aren't being rewarded for being lazy wee shites?

I'm not sure why you think removing privileges won't work as motivation. It works well IME

Sadly it's the same for me.

Dp is not too bad but only does agreed jobs, rarely takes it on himself to notice anything additional.
My dc are useless and I've never enforced anything as my oldest had mh issues as a young teen so it was too hard then didn't seem fair to make the younger ones
Big fail on my part

Yes @ToK1 they can feel resentment. But will it fundamentally address the OP's problem?

I doubt it.

What usually happens - and other posters gave similar examples - is that short-term DC change so they can get back their phones / WiFi / lifts or whatever.

Long-term they aren't taking on responsibility, just doing what's necessary to get back their privileges.

It's harder, but kids need to see tasks as part of being a family & respecting their home. There's no perfect system but punishments alone will a) not work b) leave OP more frustrated.

It's not too late. And not a 'big fail' on your part. You made a choice based on how your DC was at that time. That's fair.

Now matters are hopefully better, and you've more DC, you can reset - sit down, explain what's going to happen, and start small.

For me, this is a life skill.

@EarringsandLipstick

Removal oc rewards aren't punishments

It's a consequence.

Anyway I'm not sure why you think nicely asking and just keeping doing everything is a reasonable solution

It's not

I agree, @EarringsandLipstick . Plus it's not a military camp, it's a family home and the parental responsibility is to provide a clean, safe family home and to ensure the kids are fed well and kept clean. (Yes, I know they're teenagers. But still.) It's noticable when you teach teenagers who haven't got clean clothes. It's a sign of neglect.
Anyway. I've said it upthread and I'll say it again. The husband is the problem. His behaviour is rude and disrespectful. The children will have taken that on board.
OP, start with him. Start with his attitude to you.

Ok. You don't want to read my posts properly & I'm not going to clog the thread up by repeating them over & over 🤷🏻‍♀️

It's not about 'asking nicely'. It's about setting habits for life based on being a family and having a home together. My posts explained this

Consequences work for specific things. However 2 DC who do nothing will not have a Damascene conversion by their privileges being removed. They'll be resentful & the situation will stay the same for OP. Lose-lose.

Change the WiFi password. Tell your husband I'd he's going to act like one of the kids, he can be treated like one.

Tell them you'll give them the password when they've tided up.

My 16 yr old is autistic and even he knows I mean it when it comes to his chores. You don't do your bit, you get fuck all off me.

We all get stuck in together one day a week to do the whole house top to bottom. No excuses, I'm not the only one living there.