AIBU to be pissed off by the sheer level of laziness in my home

[Akiddleydiveytoo]

OK, full disclosure, I can be guilty of being a little bit lazy at times but fucking hell - my family can turn it into an Olympic sport 🤬. Here are some examples (for context, I live with my DH and our 2 DDs (13 & 16)).

1. DD1s (only) chore is to empty and load the dishwasher which she has to be nagged and nagged to do Every. Single. Day. As a result my kitchen is ALWAYS full of dirty dishes. Occasionally I will get fed up and do them myself (as I'm sick of seeing dirty dishes everywhere and I actually need to free up some workspace to prepare dinner) but I know that by doing that, all I'm teaching her is that if she leaves it long enough I'll do it.

1. Similarly, DD2s (only) chore is to empty the bins and take the recycling out. Again, despite repeated nagging this gets put off and put off until we're playing bin Jenga and we have empty tins and bottles etc all over the kitchen.

1. Nothing ever gets put directly into the bin. Last night we had a rare MaccyDs and DH plated all of our food out and just left the empty food wrappers on the kitchen worktop - less that 2ft from the bin!

1. Both DDs pull everything out of their wardrobes when deciding what to wear and just dump them on the floor. When I ask them to tidy up their rooms they just scoop up all of their (unworn, washed and ironed) clothes off the floor and put them back in the dirty laundry basket so they don't have to hang them back up again.

1. DH is completely incapable off lifting the lid on our laundry bin to put his dirty clothes in and just leaves them sitting on the top which means that when I have to put my dirty clothes in there I either have to put his in there as well or just lift up the lid and let his clothes just fall on the floor (which I've started doing more and more often but it doesn't make a difference - they just stay on the floor for a week).

1. All our clean towels and bedclothes get stored in our airing cupboard where most of the shelves are above my head beyond my reach. I keep a little step ladder in there so I can put stuff on the higher shelves but this often goes walkabout. In these cases, I usually leave the clean towels/bedclothes on our bed until I locate the ladder to put them away. DH will go to bed early and, instead of putting the stuff away (as he's over a foot taller than me and can reach the shelves easily) will just move the stuff over to my side of the bed and go to bed. He does this with anything that might be left on the bed during the day (he always goes to bed first) e.g. it was DD2s birthday the other week and she opened her presents on our bed and left most of them there all day (as we went out for the day). Sure enough, when I went to bed they were all neatly moved over to my side of the bed and DH was snoring away on his side.

1. Our spare room is in desperate need of decorating. We haven't painted it once since we moved in 13 years ago. We bought new wardrobes for the room a couple of years ago so said to DH we need to paint the walls before putting the wardrobes up. I go to work for the day and come home to find DH has painted the wall BUT only the patch that will be covered by the wardrobes - the painting literally stops halfway down the wall. DH said he just wanted to get the wardrobes up and that he'd finish the painting at a later date - that was 2 years ago!

I could go on and on but i won't. I really am despairing, honestly. The sheer level of laziness is really starting to piss me off. I'm generally a pretty laid back, easy going sort but years of this shit and constantly living in a messy, dirty (as I can't get to any surfaces to actually clean them) house has turned my into a whinging, nagging harridan which I hate.

So make me feel better - tell me your stories of lazy fuckery.

I'd switch chores and have them do their own laundry tbh including ironing.

Don't bother about the state of their rooms.

I'd also move DH into the spare room.

My dc have all grown and gone and Dh and I have somehow ended up with me doing 95% of the housework. I don’t know how, we used to do an equal share and I work longer hours but it’s not staying like it!
He’s currently ignoring the washing up, I’m getting itchy about it and didn’t contribute to any of the dishes and he knows that I’m struggling! I won’t wash it because it’s meat (I’m vegan).

wash exactly enough crockery/cutlery for you. Make yourself something to eat and leave the 3 of them to handle the rest

bin? just either pile it up or take your rubbish to the outside bin. leave everything else

His laundry? just leave it. Do yours. Your DDs? they are now in charge of their own laundry. Their rooms are messy? close the door and don't look in

Your bed? Wake him up every time. Every time. Put the things on the floor and pull the covers off him.

(move into the spare room, decorate it yourself and sleep in there)

Frankly? you need to move out for a month. Or more.

I have known some very lazy people in my time. Including:

-a friends then BIL who was too lazy to sign on, reckoned it was too much hassle
-about 7 Christmas days ago l planned, purchased, paid for and cooked Christmas dinner with ALL the trimmings. Everyone refused to wash up. Despite the fact l had done everything else and was doing a 12.5 hour shift at work on Boxing Day
-the friend who used to use paper plates. Reckoned she was too tired and busy to wash up

In your situation l would go on strike. They all sound as idle as each other to me

Your husband isn't lazy. He's disrespectful. Moving stuff to your side of the bed is rude.
Your daughters have learned from him. They're not going to get any better because they've developed habits which are sloppy. Who doesn't put stuff in a bin or recycle?
Do not stop doing laundry, though. I can tell which parents have done this, their kids clothes smell.

You need to stop doing it & tell them they are responsible. Had similar with my 3 teens last yr, took the summer to reset the balance of chores, told them they are now responsible for own bedrooms, I will strip beds & give them clean sheets but that's all. Any washing in laundry baskets will be washed, if it's not done that's on them. Took a few weeks & several trumps cos they didn't have the clean clothes needed right now but laundry solved fairly quickly. Tidy rooms took a bit longer but eventually clicked that it's actually nicer to live in a clean space instead of a pigsty!
They all help with setting, clearing table & doing dishwasher duty. Take a turn of cooking if I'm busy, each have a few basic meals they are confident with.
Planning to use this summer to get them used to ironing own clothes.
Of course DH still can't manage to reach the laundry basket but has learnt that he can't go to bed until kitchen is cleaned or I'll get him up again ...he likes an early bedtime, fair enough but not when I'm doing life admin until midnight to allow that!

My lot used to be like this. I was a single mum to five, too poor to give them pocket money or buy stuff so I had almost literally no sanctions to give. They did the 'shovel everything off the floor into the wash to save having to tidy the room' and starting a HUUUUGGGEE argument every time someone was asked to, say, wash up, about how unfair it was that they were being asked, when it QUITE CLEARLY wasn't their turn because XXXXX didn't do it last time etc etc. I even tried a rota. They laughed at it.

Now I live alone, with my dog and it's bliss. They all have their own houses, which are IMMACULATE. I dream about going round to each one in turn and throwing biscuit wrappers onto the floor, then stomping scrambled egg into their carpets. I don't, obviously, but I can dream...

Bag up any of your husbands clothes that land on your side of the bed into black bin liners. Then either open the bedroom window and throw the bag out, or take the bag straight out to the outside bin.
Do it calmly and with a smile on your face. You will have told him this will happen next t8me you find his clothes on your side of the bed.
then take the quilt off him and sleep on the sofa.

I used to have the router in my car boot by 3pm

If they come in and do their chores the router goes on

If they don't, they don't 🤷‍♀️

I also used to lift all the clothes off their floor, clean and dirty and put them in the floor of the wardrobe if they left them on the floor - and I never washed or ironed their clothes apart from school uniform shirts from the age of 8

From 8 they did they their own washing on a Sunday morning - if they didn't do it, they got no WiFi until it was done and hung up

I.am.not.a.slave in this house

Get them to do their own washing? Don't ask them to clean their rooms or move their clothes and if they actually do then just dump it back on their floor?

Definitely go on strike!

Change the chores you give the dc. They are both responsible for their own washing, the same goes for your dh. Leave a washing basket in their rooms and one by your dh side of the bed.

You each cook a meal a week, that includes washing up. If they don't cook just make food for yourself, the same with the washing up, if it wasn't done the day before, just cook for yourself.

Pay someone to move the shelving down to your height.

Keep the door shut on your dc bedrooms, let them fester

Hire a cleaner, one that also changes the beds

No need to 'lose your shit'. Quietly just resetting is the way to go and stop allowing this.

Clothes on the laundry bin don't get washed. In fact just do your own washing, I never pick clothes up off my sons floor, if I hoover I hoover around them.

Your DC want friends over - not unless they do their bit. No Wi-Fi or pocket money unless they do their chores. They want a lift / no because their not pulling their weight.

They need consequences that aren't you loosing it but they things need to be uncomfortable/annoying etc for them and you need to be as cool as a cucumber.

Oh OP!

Your examples are really depressing. I'm not saying that from any point of superiority, believe me!

I'm a very busy single parent, working, 3 DC, no support, kids also very busy.

I have absolutely had rants at the laziness & thoughtlessness.

A few things I've realised.

There need to be systems - so a process that makes it easy to get a task done to completion. In my house, the block to that was clutter. So house was clean + looked organised, but clutter made it harder to see what was needed. I am working very hard to eliminate clutter & am nearly there. In your case, an example is your DD's clothes. If they can build up that level of clothes piles, they've too much. Review + declutter with the girls, make the task then of tidying away simpler.

you need to work as a team 'come to Jesus' meeting where you talk about this being your home, shared space all should respect. This isn't transformative but I found it helps make the point about why (I'm not sure about DH tho - he sounds so disrespectful 🙁)

tasks together* if you can blitzing jobs together works well. DD1 - dishwasher; DD2 - floors; you - dusting & hoovering; DH - laundry. Or whatever. So you all work together, and you can supervise the lazy feckers too.

more jobs your DDs are taking the piss. You need to give them way more jobs. My DC (16, 13, 11) all make dinners, put on washes, iron (not 11 yo), dust, clean, hoover, mow lawn, clean car. Not all at once, not perfectly & not without pressure but they do it in the end.

Hopefully someone else can advise better about the H issue as he sounds dire.

Stuff left lying around gets thrown in the garden or garage or bin. No warnings.
Use paper plates and plastic cutlery.

Oh btw, I don't agree with going on strike. I think that will make you more depressed. You'll hate the mess / dirt, they won't care & also it's not modelling great behaviour.

The bed one is definitely the worst. I would have got into bed in a way that made all the empty boxes roll on top of DH.

Food is the key.
When things get like this, I just say 'I'm not cooking anything tonight. I'll just sort myself out '.
Btw, I vote for using the laundry basket to tidy up as the worst one. I've seen this and it's so effing disrespectful.

The DH issue. I'd say to him, when the kids aren't around, that every time he puts something on your side or leaves rubbish on the surfaces, he is saying "fuck you" to you. Because that's essentially what he's thinking, 'I don't want to do it, OP will, fuck her'.

When he does it again, if he does, take the rubbish/towels/whatever to him and say, "this little 'fuck you' was left for me".

And anyone using the 'nag' word in my house gets told it's a misogynistic hateful word meant to shut women up and put them in their place, the kitchen. Was that what they meant?

However, because in order to swallow medicine I also include sugar; I always thank people, ask nicely, tell them I appreciate it. I also don't expect smiles and happy chores from them. Be miserable about it as long as it gets done.

Wow , DH and the stuff on the bed has just made me furious on your behalf. How dare he!! So you have to work while he sleeps?? Lazy bastard.

I would wake him and say that if he ever puts any family stuff on your side again without sorting it out , you will wake him by whacking him with a pillow ( or wet fish) . Your family need stern words

thankfully only one “my small child does all the chores” smugness on here. My kids always had chores and responsibilities but now they are teens it’s a different ballgame!

I feel your pain OP, I could have written this today. Half term gives me the rage when I’m the only person working and I finish my day to be greeted with “what’s for tea?”. Like no one else is capable of thought 🙄

Although be careful what you wish for…I gave up washing DS1’s clothes a couple of years ago when it became an issue with him leaving them on the floor. Now he just smells as he isn’t bothered to wash them himself….

You need to start with the husband. His attitude is awful.

Oh bloody hell, OP - I thought my (dearly loved but often lazy) husband was the only one to do the stuff left on my side of bed with the lights out and snoring. If you find an answer - I’ll go back and read the thread! - I’m all ears.

On the other stuff tho -

1. My DC1 hates anything to do with the dishwasher. God knows why. But anyway, we traded chores. I asked what they were prepared to do to avoid dishwasher duty and now they do extra hoovering instead - stairs in particular (and we quite a few). This is win-win for me because I fucking hate hoovering and I’m the most invested in the kitchen being on a clean and tidy schedule. What chore would your DD1 do more consistently?
2. Ditto DC2 - negotiate a less annoying chore. Ask their suggestions.
3. Binning things - shout loudly. Call them from wherever they are in the house. Be a major PITA about it, and give no fucks about nagging.
4. Clothes on floordrobe then into washing basket - I went zero tolerance. I made them Marie Kondo the shit out of their clothes and they ditched 50% after I told them if I found any washing I’d kindly done was not put away 24 hours after I’d given them it then I’d black bag it. The problem was they mostly had too many to easily be able to put them away.
5. I told DH he was now in charge of his own laundry from start to finish and he bought himself an open-topped laundry bin without a lid. It’s on his side of the bed (along with his dirty floordrobe) and I don’t look at it, ever.

I taught my son how to do all the "woman's jobs" because I wanted him to grow to be a independent man and later a good husband. When he hit the teens, he forgot all he had learned. I re-taught with the following:

1. Going into his bedroom at 3AM and turning on the lights to wake him up and take out the trash bins to the curb.
2. Not washing any of his clothes that were left on or around the washing machine. They must be in his hamper in the laundry room on Friday evening or he does it himself. Two Monday mornings of standing by the dryer waiting for his uniform and having to choose between a demerit for lateness or going to school in damp pants helped his memory.
3. I promised to make brownies (his favorite) for dessert but I couldn't because the kitchen counter was covered with dirty dishes and paper trash. There is a dishwasher and a trashcan within reach.
4. Best of all. After a silent strike and two weeks of trash and recycling and dishes and stuff scattered all over kitchen and den, I announced that I was not feeling well and was going to bed early with a book and a Diet Coke, BUT his girlfriend had called and I said it was fine if she came over for the evening. I went to bed and listened to the lovely sounds of vaccuuming, dishwasher humming. trashbins clanging, and the smell of brownies baking (he made his own snack for them). Male hormones at work!!!

Going into his bedroom at 3AM and turning on the lights to wake him up and take out the trash bins to the curb.

@GeorgiaGirl52

😳😳😳

I get your frustration, I do but this is bonkers.