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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this manager is being unfair?

184 replies

quiettimes · 30/05/2023 14:16

I got pulled into an “informal meeting” today with a male manager because apparently my dress is too short and he will be monitoring my attire going forward. What I’m wearing isn’t against the dress code guidance (which is just “smart casual”. This dress covers my knees and is not a fitted style so it isn’t riding up. I have worn it to work many times before and no issues were raised previously.

aibu to be annoyed about being spoken to about this? Other people not only wear dresses the same length as me, but shorter things. Some are literally wearing things directly against the dress standards such as jeans, trainers, t shirts and hoodies today. They aren’t being spoken to. I feel like it’s personal and nitpicking to raise this. Particularly as it’s also 20 degrees outside and the heating is ON inside, so everyone at work is profusely sweating working through headache inducing heat.

OP posts:
FictionalCharacter · 30/05/2023 14:23

He’ll be “monitoring your attire” will he? 🤔This is someone who isn’t your manager? And there is no company rule about skirts that are below the knee but he thinks it’s somehow too short? What a dick. What did you say to him?
Unless your dress clearly breached company dress rules - which it obviously doesn’t- he has no right to speak to you like this. And he’s a weirdo.

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 30/05/2023 14:28

I'd wear it every day for the rest of the week but I'm a prick.

HermioneWeasley · 30/05/2023 14:28

Did you ask what he thought was inappropriate about it?

Original poster
quiettimes · 30/05/2023 14:30

He said the only thing inappropriate was the length

im convinced it’s personal because he’s dating someone in the office who doesn’t like me. She goes to work in crop tops flashing stomach and back which is surely less professional than my calves?

OP posts:
Bookendortwo · 30/05/2023 14:31

I'd email and document the conversation asking for clarification on what is and isn't suitable. Plus documenting the actual length of your outfit. I'd also take a photo of yourself in the outfit for future reference I'd its taken further.

FedUpBoiledFrog · 30/05/2023 14:34

Do you have a HR department? If so I would ask them if your clothing was appropriate for work.

Azandme · 30/05/2023 14:34

Bookendortwo · 30/05/2023 14:31

I'd email and document the conversation asking for clarification on what is and isn't suitable. Plus documenting the actual length of your outfit. I'd also take a photo of yourself in the outfit for future reference I'd its taken further.

This.

daverday · 30/05/2023 14:40

A man checking out the female member of staff attire sounds a bit odd.
I would be asking either a union rep. or a senior female member of management for advice.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 30/05/2023 14:40

Bookendortwo · 30/05/2023 14:31

I'd email and document the conversation asking for clarification on what is and isn't suitable. Plus documenting the actual length of your outfit. I'd also take a photo of yourself in the outfit for future reference I'd its taken further.

I agree this is the answer. And I’d also go to HR if you have one.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 30/05/2023 14:41

At my work, “managing” people who you do not line manage in this way would not be allowed in itself- you’d speak to their LM.

MarkWithaC · 30/05/2023 14:42

Bookendortwo · 30/05/2023 14:31

I'd email and document the conversation asking for clarification on what is and isn't suitable. Plus documenting the actual length of your outfit. I'd also take a photo of yourself in the outfit for future reference I'd its taken further.

Agree. Ask to see the policy on dress where it's made clear that your attire is a problem. Copy it to HR.

CatchYouOnTheFlippetyFlop · 30/05/2023 14:45

I would be pissed off too OP.

I would definitely speak with HR and also your own LM to say you aren't happy.

Blossomtoes · 30/05/2023 14:48

Bookendortwo · 30/05/2023 14:31

I'd email and document the conversation asking for clarification on what is and isn't suitable. Plus documenting the actual length of your outfit. I'd also take a photo of yourself in the outfit for future reference I'd its taken further.

This.

Augend23 · 30/05/2023 14:50

Bookendortwo · 30/05/2023 14:31

I'd email and document the conversation asking for clarification on what is and isn't suitable. Plus documenting the actual length of your outfit. I'd also take a photo of yourself in the outfit for future reference I'd its taken further.

Another person agreeing with this

PineappleLatte · 30/05/2023 14:50

To reaffirm the advice from above. Put the conversation into writing….

”Hi John,

Following on from our conversation earlier where you informed me that I am in violation of the official dress code, can you please help clarify which parts in particular I have breached?

Kind regards,

Quiettimes”

Quveas · 30/05/2023 14:55

Bookendortwo · 30/05/2023 14:31

I'd email and document the conversation asking for clarification on what is and isn't suitable. Plus documenting the actual length of your outfit. I'd also take a photo of yourself in the outfit for future reference I'd its taken further.

Another one suggesting this is the best strategy. As a one off I wouldn't want to escalate it, but I would want to put down a clear marker that I view this as formal and I'm documenting it. If he has a genuine concern then he can respond. If the hasn't then he knows to back off (if he's sensible) before you are the one taking it formal if anything else happens.

On the specific issue, I won't comment because I can't see the clothing and don't know the workplace, so it may be ok or not. As a manager I have (rarely) had occasions to have that conversation with a member of staff, but I don't think that there is likely to be much of a dispute about a neckline that virtually reached the navel!

EvilElsa · 30/05/2023 14:58

Good grief. I'd have to ask what clothing attire crime you had committed. How can it be a length issue if it covers you knees? Bloody ridiculous. I'd be taking it further and would want to see the company policy.

Tinkerbyebye · 30/05/2023 14:59

I would go straight to HR and make a formal complaint. If he has only picked on you, and not told others, and others are blatantly not adhering he is picking on you. I would mention that, and his relationship with your colleague and ask to be line managed by someone else

DelphiniumBlue · 30/05/2023 15:02

Bookendortwo · 30/05/2023 14:31

I'd email and document the conversation asking for clarification on what is and isn't suitable. Plus documenting the actual length of your outfit. I'd also take a photo of yourself in the outfit for future reference I'd its taken further.

Exactly this, and cc in his boss and your boss, HR if there is one and also ask them for the Policy on discrimination.

TeaParty4Me · 30/05/2023 15:03

I think it’s fine to say an item of clothing isn’t suitable and have rules about what is and isn’t acceptable.

But that should be the same for everyone and not just one person.

If you feel you are being singled out then stop wearing the dress and wear something similar to your colleagues and see if you get pulled up on it again.

Is there anyone higher than him you can speak to?

thecatsthecats · 30/05/2023 15:11

Bookendortwo · 30/05/2023 14:31

I'd email and document the conversation asking for clarification on what is and isn't suitable. Plus documenting the actual length of your outfit. I'd also take a photo of yourself in the outfit for future reference I'd its taken further.

This. Only cc relevant people too - your manager, HR, etc.

Don't mention what others are wearing yet - could bite the team on the arse if HR decide to reinforce the dress code overall.

NoBiscuitsLeftInMyTin · 30/05/2023 15:12

Augend23 · 30/05/2023 14:50

Another person agreeing with this

Show quote history

And another here, that’s ridiculous.

LlynTegid · 30/05/2023 15:18

I think especially given the inconsistency that a complaint to HR is justified. Even if it was midwinter.

BlurredVision · 30/05/2023 15:19

And make sure the email includes that you also note he said he'd be monitoring it in future and ask for clarity on that also.

Original poster
quiettimes · 30/05/2023 15:23

The only things ruled out are:

denim, Lycra, shorts, cropped tops, inappropriate logos, trainers and baseball caps. There is nothing specifying the length of clothing. I am confident his girlfriend is w against guidance considering she wears cropped fitted t shirts to work that have her navel and torso visible. It’s definitely not a dress code applied equally

OP posts: