To not want DH here?

[Throwingtheremote]

DH wfh three days a week, office for two. I’m on maternity leave from next week. I was really looking forward to the three weeks or so before the baby is due, as since lockdown I can count the times I’ve been alone at home on one hand.

He has now announced he can stay home until my due date 😭

AIBU to try to encourage him back to the office?

Just tell him no, you need the two days he is in the office as alone time to get stuff done, or not, and that it’s the only time you will get as it won’t be possible once the baby is here and you would prefer he wfh full time after the birth

Can you not just ask him if he can swap the WFH FT for after paternity leave finishes?

Im totally with you OP. I think most people need space and all this living in each other peoples pockets 24/7 doesn't suit everyone. I could work from home and actually choose not to as H does. You have to factor in peoples personalities,my H feels a chronic urge when at home to come and tell me about emails/calls non stop- moan about others etc - (we work in same business for ourselves) asks me to make him teas , not everyone's partner stays in their office quietly all day keeping themselves to themselves. It made me feel like a couple of particularly housebound pensioners being round each other all day

What would happen if you sat him down and said what you wanted/envisioned for those 3 weeks and how you were looking forward to it?

He’s put his case forward, can you? Will it be a conversation or escalate?

I am only posting this having read your opening post (so apologies if the story has changed since then).

Tell him that while his intentions are well meant, you would much prefer it to have him around after the birth of the baby, not before. He will be of a lot more use to you and the baby at that stage. Beforehand, less so.

Best of luck with it all!

Obviously I’m in the minority here based on the replies but why do people get to decide if their partner works from home or not.

My husband works from home 3 days a week - if he suddenly announced that it was changing to 5 I’d hate it as I love having time to myself - but would just have to put up with it -

Why should partner have to go into the office if they don’t have or want to??

I think it really depends on what the impact is of that working from home.

For example if working from home means everyone else has to tiptoe around like church mice all day then I do think a discussion needs to be had. Not everyone has a suitably located home office that allows other home life to proceed on regardless.

I don’t think you are in the minority. Plenty of people seem to think that this means I don’t want to be around him.

I think if DH was retired or on holiday from work and I was demanding he go out that would be unreasonable. But when someone is working from home, it is very different. It does mean others in the house have to adjust normal patterns of behaviour, a lot of the time. And that’s what I find tough. I won’t be able to think ah, feeling huge and sluggish so me and DS can just have a chill day at home.

As with most things there’s a compromise and he is at home three days a week. It’s not like I’m demanding he stays out all the time. And indeed if he doesn’t want to go to the office he won’t go. Just annoying for it to be presented as a selfless act for his pregnant wife!

If he is working how will it affect you ?

Both myself and husband work from home we never see each other during the day.

we both have our own offices and take different lunch break times!!

We might have a coffee together occasionally but between 8am - 4pm - we dont see each other.

Send the other text if we need to remind each other of something

hit soon too soon. I take days off with the whole idea of lounging on the sofa with a duvet, again this doesnt affect him or me ?

Why will you not be able to relax if he is in the house

It affects me because of noise, both in the sense I can’t make as much as I’d like, interruptions from him, having to keep toddler away from him and not always being successful in this meaning we have to spend quite large chunks of the day out of the house, I can’t have friends over. Lots of ways some big some small. Primarily it’s being presented as a favour to me and it is anything but!

We have a toddler so can’t have play dates at home, it’s stressful keeping the toddler away from DH

Well...this puts a totally different spin on it. How are you going to stop that if you are seeing to the baby? He needs to go to the office. Hes creating unnecessary work, and stress, to you and your child. He can't see it because you are covering it up. Let it all go.

Let his child be near him.
Let toddler have playdates.
Clean wherever you need to clean.
Listen to music or TV when you want.
Have people round.

If he can't handle a home being a home then he needs to return to the office or have an office at the bottom of the garden.

I’m a bit confused here.

Have you told him that as you are very pregnant, you won’t be taking toddler out and keeping quiet etc. you will actually have lots of rather noisy things to do.

Then he can either go to the office, or put up with you doing as you please.

I also would have asked him to switch so that his additional wfh days were AFTER the birth, not before.

I think you need to just bite the bullet and say this to him. He thinks that giving you instructions and asking you to help him with life things that are his job (where are my shoes?) is doing you a favor. He probably sees it as social interaction, whereas you, more accurately, see it as chores for you disguised as social interaction. You need to disabuse him of this notion before the baby comes or else it will get much, much worse.

@Coralsunset the thing is if you don’t understand you don’t understand and I can try to explain but either you’ll get it or you won’t … I promise I don’t mean that in a confrontational or provocative way, it’s ‘said’ nicely.

So what happens is say I’m in the lounge with DS playing and DH appears, we get ‘daddy, daddy!’ DH fusses DS a bit and then has to go back to work, and DS cries and gets all upset, tries to follow him and is distracted / comforted and then we do something else but then we hear DHs voice or DH pops out again and back to square one. This happens at least once an hour, often more regularly. It doesn’t impact DH in the slightest, just me.

It’s always the same, some posters get it (and I’ve found people who have worked - or tried to! - as nannies with wfh parents get it immediately) or they don’t.

I’m confused now. You’re the one who said him being home after you give birth would be more useful, in your reply to me you’re now complaining about it again.

Don’t really understand why you’ve posted. You clearly don’t think Yabu and posters who don’t see it your way don’t ‘get it’ or understand.

Having read some of your other updates can see why you’d definitely want him back in the office though.

As some pp mentioned I think you just need to act normally as if he’s not there. If he can’t work under those conditions, he’ll have to go to the office

Going against the grain here but I think your DH is entitled to be home if he wants to be? It's his home as well surely?
Is he getting any alone time in the house?
Why is your three weeks before baby more important than his three weeks home before baby?

Just tell him you are not waiting on him while he's home but surely you can allow him to wfh if he wishes?

Tbh, I would say to my husband that his wfh makes things harder for you with the toddler and because you have to adjust what you do so as not to make him seem unprofessional (re noise, interruptions). And that you would prefer that he goes to the office so there is goodwill built up for after the baby arrives.
If he insists on wfh, then be clear that you are not going to behave as if your home is an office - let the toddler interrupt him, don't help him to extricate himself from the toddler. If your son gets upset, let him interrupt daddy. Have friends over, play music, do exactly what you would have done. I think maybe you facilitate your dh's wfh too much - it's fine for days you have jointly agreed but not fine for additional days if it makes more work for you. You need to learn how to opt out of feeling responsible for his work environment,

Then you need to force him out by stealth.

Invite the noisiest toddlers you know round for a play date. Musical chairs, lots of singing.

Take to your bed with flu for the day “thank God you aren’t in the office this week DH and can look after toddler.”

Tell him it’s not helpful. Explain what you said to us, about the way you want to spend your leave and how it’ll be more helpful post-birth.

@Daydreamer123456 its perhaps meant a little more flippantly than it comes across. It’s a moan, a grumble, an eye roll, not a huge issue.

@pinksheetss i don’t think you’re particularly in a minority. It is his home, I guess I see it as a home and not a workplace and that’s the cause of some exasperation. Problem is, he isn’t insisting we are quiet or anything, it’s just it is stressful him being here, I can’t deny that.

Or you could say

’DH that is SO GREAT. I’d been worried about dealing with toddler and not getting enough rest but now I know you’ll be around then I could have a lie-in every day and perhaps you could do lunchtime while I go up for a nap? Oh, and you could do dinner as well. Brilliant news.’

Well, strictly speaking, no, the wife doesn't get to decide if the husband works from home or not. But, equally, why does he get to decide if she vacuums or not, takes the toddler out or not, has friends over or not? He is allowed to do as he pleases and she is expected to constrict herself to allow him to be comfortable.

OP I would say, stop changing your day to suit him. If you want to clean the living room do so: "I need to get this done in case I go into labor tomorrow." If you want to invite friends over, do so. "I need Mary and Elizabeth to come over so they can help me get the baby's clothes folded in case I go into labor tomorrow." If you want to lay on the couch while toddler runs around making noise, do so. "I'm too tired to take him out today. I AM 39 weeks pregnant you know!"

Just make sure to clean the room first, THEN have your friends over, THEN lay on the couch. If you do them in reverse order then he will ask why you laid on the couch saying you were exhuasted yesterday, when today you are a whirling dervish dusting the living room.

Another option is to give HIM chores. "Can you clean the living room after work today?" "But I have a report due tomorrow." "Oh, I thought the whole point of you working from home was so you could help me get ready for the baby? I couldn't clean it myself because you were working but it's really stressing me out that it's not clean yet. What if I go into labor tonight??????"

Yeh the toddler element is worth bringing in. DS was going through a mega anti nappy change thing in my last months of pregnancy, so DH was coming down to change every poo to avoid me getting kicked in the stomach.