To not want DH here?

[Throwingtheremote]

DH wfh three days a week, office for two. I’m on maternity leave from next week. I was really looking forward to the three weeks or so before the baby is due, as since lockdown I can count the times I’ve been alone at home on one hand.

He has now announced he can stay home until my due date 😭

AIBU to try to encourage him back to the office?

Tell him that you need to rest, relax, do things at your own pace. If you can't communicate now you are going to be stuffed when you have a baby as well.

So tel him you know that this isn't in any way to benefit you, because you know he's too selfish to do that, and he clearly doesn't care cos if he did he'd work from the office all week so you don't have to be around him.

Not sure how asking him to do what he normally does is mean?

There are no circumstances on earth where I'd allow my partner to INSIST that I absent myself from my own home. That really isn't how a joint home works. The OP can ask, and if he's supportive and understanding he'll agree, but going in with the big boots on isn't the way.

Why?

Homes are homes. That was the original basis before Covid.

If someone wants to work in my home they fit in with me, not the other way around

He’ll do as he does. It’s the fact it’s being presented as for my benefit that is a bit annoying, and the fact it’s made extra work for me while being painted as reducing my workload.

And demanding that you work in your home which affects how the other person uses it isn't right either. Especially when there's an alternative - the workplace!

Then I would make it very clear that it wasn't for my benefit and I would carry on as though he wasn't there

How does it increase your workload unless you choose to wait in him?

To be honest, if he needs to WFH FT for a bit the three weeks after paternity leave would be much more helpful.

If I was him I’d be making the most of my office time so that my boss may be more lenient after paternity leave.

Just ask him to keep it as is, so you have a couple of days where he’s not there.
Be honest that you don’t want to have to worry about noise and things.

If he is choosing to do this then listen to your music or radio and if he moans remind him it was his choice to do WFH. Honestly so long as you are not blaring music out then do as you want to

I'd be so tempted to start listing the things he can do for you in the extra time at home, cup of tea in bed in the morning, make lunch for you both, do any small jobs that need doing around the house, such as clearing the room he is working in etc etc. In the real world I'd do the sensible grown up thing though and tell him I was looking forward to the peace and quiet, and would he please keep going to work.

Well we’ve asked a few times what you think
hes motives are and you won’t answer, we can’t read minds you no. Any clues?

oh God. I am with you op. Nothing worse than not having time for yourself before your baby arrives. A lot of mine and dh arguments relate to me needing time to myself occasionally- he has the total opposite view. I find it very draining.

My DH has worked from home full time since March 2020, and I’ve now had 2 babies since then, so this is my context.

Definitely ok to want some alone time. You will miss it - it’s wonderful having a baby but they are attached to you most of the time and it’s ok to want to enjoy being alone for a bit before baby comes. It’s totally ok to say ‘actually I’d really value a few days of just total alone time before I don’t get any for ages, please keep going in those days and save the extra wfh days for when baby is here, I’ll need you more then’. Having DH around to feed me and make me drinks and hold DS on his lunch breaks so I could shower was a godsend with a baby who only slept on me and wanted to be held all the time.

But I’m a bit concerned by your comment that you can’t listen to the radio or music when he’s working from home. Why not? Is he working from the living room? What’s the plan for his wfh days when baby is here if so, because you can’t be expected to sit in silence with a silent baby for 3 days a week! You need to be able to go about your normal business with him in the house. Same goes here for the cleaning, you should be able to do this with him there. But I’d be saying he needs to clean the room he works in, not you.

I have, top if page 2? Like many people DH prefers wfh because it means he spends less time ‘at’ work due to reduced commuting time, which is understandable and I’m not about trying to chivy him out of the house five days a week.

Just the same, him being here all the time does impact on me. We have a toddler so can’t have play dates at home, it’s stressful keeping the toddler away from DH, and that massively adds to my work because I can’t just chill in my own home.

He definitely isn’t remotely abusive or arsey. I can listen to music - probably phrased that badly but the thing is a lot of things just aren’t enjoyable when you’re being ‘overheard.’ And I do have him around for three days a week anyway, so those two days are supposed to be a bit of breathing space but now apparently they are not 😭

It sounds like this new setup would be more beneficial to him rather than you.
I'd just tell him to keep it how it's been for now but if he still insists, make it clear that you'll be doing your usual things for the 'office' days and it's tough if that then impacts on him. No trying to be quiet etc.
He's looking to benefit himself. Not you.

Tbh it sounds like he has nice intentions are you’re twisting it because for some reason you feel like you can’t listen to music if someone else is in the house 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫 why can’t you?

Well quite - that’s why he’s done it!

I’d just honestly prefer to have some quiet days at home but as it is at 37/38 weeks pregnant I’ll have to take a toddler out. And I know people will say I don’t have to, not my problem, but a toddler fussing and whingeing and crying is my problem. I’ll ask him to work in the office - can but try.

@PuddlesPityParty should say and you’re

@PuddlesPityParty DH is a nice person but on this specific matter I don’t think intentions are to benefit me. If they were, he’d be offering to WFH after the birth. This isn’t our first child, we know what it will be like!

I can’t see any such answer, don’t think you mentioned the toddler either. I can agree it’s annoying him being around more in that case, but yeah it did imply he had ulterior motives like snooping on you or something so im glad it’s not that!

How do you know he won’t continue to WFH after the birth? Sounds presumed rather than an actually discussion has been had. In fact, this whole thread just sounds like you need to talk to your partner.

This is the post although it is the bottom of page 1 not top of page 2 as I originally said. I didn’t mention the toddler though, but then in fairness I wasn’t massively looking for a long drawn out complaint. It’s more of a wry ‘I’ve got your number here pal.’

@PuddlesPityParty i don’t know, and perhaps he will. Will it be helpful to me if he does? If I have to spend all my time trying to get the toddler out of his space and be quiet so meetings are not disturbed and so on then that’s actually not that helpful. The point is that WFH benefits DH, not me. It’s always been the case, and always will be. But it’s being presented as for my benefit in this instance and that is exasperating.