To end a friendship over not being made a bridesmaid?

[SillyBilly1993]

I had a lovely wedding a couple of years ago. My best friend of many years was my chief bridesmaid, she was my witness and made a speech too. I paid for her bridesmaids dress, jewellery, for her hair and make up. She did a bit of a pants job of organising my hen party which was stressful as I had to pick up the slack, but over the years she’s been a great friend to me and I’ve always felt really lucky and proud to have her in my life as such a close friend.

My friend got engaged last year and I assumed that she would ask me to be her maid of honour too. But time went by and eventually I got an invitation to her hen party from another friend of hers, which confirmed my fears that I wasn’t going to be asked to be a bridesmaid.

I was incredibly hurt that my friend hadn’t spoken to me to let me down gently, but I didn’t want to confront her because I knew that she had other difficult things going on in her life and because I couldn’t see what good could come of making a fuss.

But it was her hen party over the weekend, and I found it incredibly difficult. It felt humiliating that everyone knew that she had been my chief bridesmaid but I hadn’t been given any role in hers. It was upsetting to see her talking excitedly about plans for the wedding weekend with the bridesmaids. It was jarring to see how amazing and well planned her hen party was - it brought it home how little effort she had put into mine. I’d recently tried to organise a holiday with her but she’d said she didn’t have enough annual leave to spare, but in front of me at the weekend she was organising a holiday with other friends.

I can’t see us moving past this. The friendship wasn’t what I thought it was, and I feel like a fool. It’s made me feel worthless - that someone that I valued so highly would so completely not feel the same way.

I don’t think that anything that she could say would save the friendship now, so I’m intending to reduce contact with her, attend her wedding, and then quietly stop seeing her. AIBU for cutting her off in this way without saying anything because I wasn’t made a bridesmaid, am I taking it too seriously or should I confront her with how I feel first?

YANBU at all. Distance yourself.

And don't be generous with a wedding gift, bung £20 in a card or get her a frame.

Op I feel for you, of course this will hurt. I would go and be happy for her, but let friendship cool off - see if she makes a conscious effort to spend time with you moving on.

Ignore the complete bitches on here who totally lack empathy. Such as @EllandRd Awful.

As for those who don't like the term best friends, I imagine they just don't have one. I do, and she means the world to me & would do anything for me & vice Versa.

If it's not that then you're not her best friend. Which is sad and hurtful but you do need to come to terms with it.
I'm so sorry

You must be so hurt, I would suggest that you do exactly as you have outlined at the end of your post. This way you are in control of things and however painful it is you are setting the terms for disengaging from this friendship with courtesy and dignity.

This is the right thing to do IMO, from your OP.

I don’t think that anything that she could say would save the friendship now, so I’m intending to reduce contact with her, attend her wedding, and then quietly stop seeing her. AIBU for cutting her off in this way without saying anything because I wasn’t made a bridesmaid, am I taking it too seriously or should I confront her with how I feel first?

You say you have other friends so focus on developing those friendships and less focus on this one.

I’ve never been married but have been engaged. 2 of my best friends from childhood would’ve been bridesmaids until I fell out with one in my mid 20s. I then had two other close friends both through work whom I’d have considered asking to be bridesmaids.

My SIL (DB’s DW) had 5 bridesmaids, 2 were her best uni friends, one was her DB’s GF, another a cousin and then me. The uni best friends said they’d all be each others bridesmaids yet at the other uni friend’s wedding she didn’t ask SIL and the other uni friend is still unmarried.

I’d be irritated with this friend but as others say she obviously doesn’t see you in the same best friend light as you see her so I’d say nothing.

YANBU some heartless people out there! Good that you're taking a stand now you've found out though. Follow through.

I’m genuinely confused here.
It’s just a wedding. You’re either standing there in a dress or sitting there in a dress.
Big whoop!?
No on takes these thing this seriously anymore.
Or that what I thought.
It’s just a marriage.

Also, are men this petty also?
Demanding tl be bestman and if not, they’ll cry about it, refuse to go to the wedding and end a friendship?

Crazy! Just plain crazy!

My BFF didn't have me in her wedding, her MoH was a ' new' friend who she was a bit enamored with at the time. I was slightly put out, but then realized it meant I cold enjoy her wedding with no responsibilities, I didn't even go to the hen in the end as MoH planned it on a weekend that was impossible for me. BFF and new friend fell out a few years later and haven't spoken since.
I went to the wedding, had a fab time and then when I got married felt no pressure to give BFF a role of any kind.
I get where you're coming from, and would say that she doesn't see your friendship in the same way, but it is what it is.
You can't change it. Only your attitude to it. She won't change. Maybe one day she'll realise her mistake, but is it worth throwing away a relationship over?

'Also, are men this petty also?
Demanding tl be bestman and if not, they’ll cry about it, refuse to go to the wedding and end a friendship?'

I Know 2 BROTHERS who don't speak because one didn't have the other as a bestman, so you may think it 'petty' but of course some people feel hurt by such obvious rejection.

Yes @Littlethingsmeanalot I do think it's nasty and spiteful. The OP is obviously hurt and upset, as most people would be at being treated like she has been. She is not being entitled or making the wedding all about her. She is wondering if she has invested more in the friendship than the other girl, and if she should move on from it. By all means people can advise her to not react like that, to think things over, to accept it's a more casual friendship than she assumed - as many posters have done. But some posters seem incapable of expressing themselves without being hurtful and aggressive. They are the posters who drive other people away from Mumsnet with their rudeness and unpleasantness.

Why?
Just because she wanted a bigger role in the wedding than she’s got?

That’s ridiculous.

OP has said this woman has been a great friend to her for years and she can’t have everyone she invited being her bridesmaid or MOH.

She has probably been lots of people’s bridesmaids or MOH over the years and it’s silly to think you deserve to be someone else’s bridesmaid just because they were at yours, as that’s not how it works.
What about her other friends, her daughters, her sisters, her fiancés sisters etc?

My sister didn’t have any of her friends as bridesmaid’s and just had her 2 daughters as she wanted them to feel special.
I’m sure lots of people had an issue with it but none of them fell out with her over it.

Treated as she has been? Cmon now, she’s just not bridesmaid. And for all you know the actual moh is her bloody sister. Give over

Well at least it’s not just women who crazy then 😉

@SillyBilly1993 - my question would be this. If you set aside the whole bridesmaids thing, how good is the friendship? Are you there for each other in tough times, do you have fun together, can you trust each other with secrets - basically, is she a good friend to you, and vice versa.

If the answer is yes, then you have to decide whether it is worth throwing all that away, over this one issue, but if the friendship isn't a strong one, then maybe this is the final straw. If so, I'd just let things drift, after the wedding - don't rush to get in touch, and see what she does. Maybe the friendship will ebb for a while, and then pick up again, or maybe it will just fade out gradually.

But don't rush into a decision based on hurt feelings, if the friendship is, in general, a good and supportive one.

Are they called William and Harry by any chance?

As a few others have said, it's not your wedding. She can't possibly have every single woman she really loves and cares about standing beside her. My best friend is getting married next weekend, I'm not on the alter. Am I hurt? Absolutely not. Does she still value me as a very good friend? 100% yes! Would I ask her if I was getting married? Definitely. I hate this thing of feeling like if you have asked somebody to be bridesmaid, they must ask you back.

YANBU to feel hurt over it but don't end a lovely friendship over one day!

Did BFF get a role in your wedding, out of interest?

We'll have to agree to disagree. If someone had asked me to be their chief bridesmaid and I was getting married a few years later I would at least explain why I wasn't asking her to be a bridesmaid. I wouldn't want to hurt their feelings.

I’m glad the replies on this got a bit more understanding as the thread progressed. Ignore the ones who can’t feel any empathy for you, they probably don’t value close friendships so they can’t understand the emotional connection you get to best friends.

I agree that YANBU. After investing so much in this friendship it’s a bitter pill to swallow but you might want to consider that her attitude towards her BRidesmaids duties were because she was hostile and/or jealous towards you and therefore being passive aggressive.

I’d probably send a nice gift but make an excuse not to attend the wedding OR put on a smile and attend the wedding. but either way I’d quietly pull back from the friendship. I don’t think it’s something you can really bring up because as much as it hurts it’s her choice and if she had a non-hurtful reason for her decision she’d have pulled you aside and let you know without you having to ask.

You are allowed to want a reciprocal friendship and shouldn’t be shamed for not putting up with a one-sided friendship.

Apart from the bridesmaid issue, I think organising a holiday with her other friends in the company of the OP, knowing full well that previously OP wanted to go on holiday with her, is really awful behaviour.

I think people are missing the point that it's not just about being BM. There are a number of reasons why OP has realised the friendship is not what she thought it was.

OP is not planning a big fall out, she is going to withdraw and concentrate on her other friends, just as this friend is doing.

I don't know why people want OP to feel guilty about that.

OP
Very hurtful but nothing to feel embarrassed about.

She hasn't handled it kindly but clearly you are a friend but no longer partial close.

I would completely suit yourself.

If you wish to remain a casual friend, go to the wedding.

If you don't wish to remain friends, ditch the wedding.

Don't act in haste, really think about what you want.

Do you share many friends?

If you do, then it might be wise to pass off the wedding and leave after the meal.

Relationships change but she definitely could have acted more kindly.

There's no reason why she shouldn't have someone else as chief bridesmaid. Maybe she wants a family member. Maybe there is another friend that she thinks it would be an uplifting or more beneficial experience for. So that in itself isn't bad.

OTOH it is horrible that she hasn't discussed it with you and explained why. That is what a decent friend would do.

She's basically demonstrating that she doesn't care about you or your feelings. Which is what decent friends do - care.

If it were me I would be distancing her over time. I would use the time and effort I would have spent on her to forge better friendships with others who do care.

You're easier going than me, I wouldn't even bother going to the wedding, the holiday thing is really rude. It amazes me how all the cool kids tell you to suck it up when it's perfectly reasonable to recognise when someone is treating you quite poorly and to bin them off. It's called having healthy boundaries. The world is full of people, just find nicer ones to mix with.