To end a friendship over not being made a bridesmaid?

[SillyBilly1993]

I had a lovely wedding a couple of years ago. My best friend of many years was my chief bridesmaid, she was my witness and made a speech too. I paid for her bridesmaids dress, jewellery, for her hair and make up. She did a bit of a pants job of organising my hen party which was stressful as I had to pick up the slack, but over the years she’s been a great friend to me and I’ve always felt really lucky and proud to have her in my life as such a close friend.

My friend got engaged last year and I assumed that she would ask me to be her maid of honour too. But time went by and eventually I got an invitation to her hen party from another friend of hers, which confirmed my fears that I wasn’t going to be asked to be a bridesmaid.

I was incredibly hurt that my friend hadn’t spoken to me to let me down gently, but I didn’t want to confront her because I knew that she had other difficult things going on in her life and because I couldn’t see what good could come of making a fuss.

But it was her hen party over the weekend, and I found it incredibly difficult. It felt humiliating that everyone knew that she had been my chief bridesmaid but I hadn’t been given any role in hers. It was upsetting to see her talking excitedly about plans for the wedding weekend with the bridesmaids. It was jarring to see how amazing and well planned her hen party was - it brought it home how little effort she had put into mine. I’d recently tried to organise a holiday with her but she’d said she didn’t have enough annual leave to spare, but in front of me at the weekend she was organising a holiday with other friends.

I can’t see us moving past this. The friendship wasn’t what I thought it was, and I feel like a fool. It’s made me feel worthless - that someone that I valued so highly would so completely not feel the same way.

I don’t think that anything that she could say would save the friendship now, so I’m intending to reduce contact with her, attend her wedding, and then quietly stop seeing her. AIBU for cutting her off in this way without saying anything because I wasn’t made a bridesmaid, am I taking it too seriously or should I confront her with how I feel first?

Agree, we normalise a lot of very poor behaviour.

She's just not that into you. Sorry.

God what a lot of unfeeling responses. The OP isn't saying she feels entitled to be her bridesmaid! She's saying she feels hurt and a bit humiliated, and I can totally see why.

OP, I would definitely cool it a bit with this woman, though not to the point of not going to her wedding: that's going low! You're right that she obviously doesn't seem to see things in the same light. Is there any chance she chose her bridesmaids because they had already asked her to be theirs? (This is what a friend of mine did.) Whatever, either she will reach out to you at some point and you can continue the friendship, albeit in a slightly less intense way. Or she'll really show you how little space she has for you in her life, in which case, it will leave you with much more time in your life and heart for other, more thoughtful people. As PPs say, friendships ebb and flow.

In general though I hate hate hate the concept of "best friends"! From the bloody Reception playground it creates nothing but hassle and heartache. I have a six-year-old daughter and honestly sometimes the world of adult female friendships doesn't seem that much more mature...

Concentrate on your marriage and being friends with all of your friends.
This particular friend has chosen others to be her bridesmaids.
That is her choice.
Nothing more; nothing less.

I would not sever the friendship by being spiteful and entitled.
Attend the wedding and have fun.
The realationship might change yet again once you both are married and further again if you have kids at similar times.

You don't need to judge your friend.
You chose your attendants and she is choosing hers.
You are both celebrating each others' weddings.

I think if you look back with calmness you will see other symptoms of her phasing you out. She is moving on to pastures new. It happened to me with a male friend actually, years ago. He had done the same to his prior best friend, so I recognised the symptoms a decade later. I would scale back this friendship to the appropriate level she has YOU at. Once you do that, you will feel so much better. It will fizzle out naturally, I think.

I’m not surprised you’ve abandoned this thread OP because you’ve had so many scathing responses. MN at its finest 🙄

But YANBU. Absolutely everyone in your shoes would feel crushed to be treated the way you have. Anyone who claims otherwise is lying.

@SillyBilly1993 I think you could probably agree that you can't accept a BM role to be reciprocal and different people view friendship differently.

I think you are hurt because after the discussion on the hen weekend it demonstrates that she really cares alot less about your friendship. It's not even about the fact they are going on holiday it's the fact they speak of it, delibertaley leaving people out of the conversation. That rude IMO. The effort of the hen vs yours makes u feel a but sad. Fair enough. Not going on holiday with you because no holidays is no problem but making plans infront of you just emphasised that she prioritised other friends holidays. Which logically we can see if fine but if you are the one impacted it's hurtful.

I think you distance yourself. Go to the wedding, give your well wishes and then see what happens. put the ball in her court. Don't end it just move on with other friends and see what happens. If it's more organic than dramatic it will be easier. And you know you did the best thing for you without making a fuss.

Sorry you feel so shit and let down. It is sad and your feelings are very valid.

X

Fully understand your upset OP, I’d feel the same; your feelings are natural and I can see exactly why you felt awful at your friend’s hen do. it must have been a slightly surreal experience.

i would hold my head up and attend the wedding cheerfully as if nothing was bothering me, but I would then pull back from the friendship and focus on others that are more dependable.

I wouldn’t discuss it with her or with anyone tbh but then that’s just me. I would just try to behave with dignity and move on.

Op your friend does not have the same investment into this friendship as you- I’m sorry about that. I would make an excuse regarding the wedding as it will just trigger you more then I would slowly disengage

Friendships come and go over the years. Life changes constantly. Some years you’re super tight with people and then you drift apart and others come in. Don’t take it personally. Just be there for each other. In the grand scheme of things and all that….. x

She sounds insensitive at best, and who needs insensitive friends? I'd just fade out of her life, OP. If she asks why at any point, then you can tell her.

You find out who your real close friends are when you start going through life events like this.

It’s nuts isn’t it but I think most, if not all, the get over yourself posts are from people who don’t have friendships, just colleagues and acquaintances (if that even). Anyone who has had a close friendship(s) will understand it hurts to be over looked and makes you question the status of the friendship.

For me this is very extreme. I cannot imagine ending a friendship over this. And the fact you would tells me it’s no longer a close friendship

I have noticed on these type of threads there is a lot of knee jerk dramatic reactions. Leave him, ditch her, go no contact, tell them to fuck off, throw shit on your neighbours lawn etc.

there is also conversely a lot of folks with limited social circles, introverted, limited social skills, social anxiety etc with the I don’t have friends, I don’t want to go out, I don’t answer the door, etc . So I’d consider the advice you’re getting very carefully and who maybe giving it.

Why on earth would anyone feel the need to post this? Do some people just enjoy being spiteful and nasty?

Seriously?I see nothing wrong with that post. The op is going to end a long friendship just as she’s not bridesmaid. Folks are baying for her to end it and hurling abuse at the woman. And this is the post you think is spiteful and nasty???

There have been several times when I have realized that someone I thought of as a good, close, friend has really just seen me as one of a group of friends and nothing special. It wasn't their fault, it was mine, but it still hurt inside as I felt silly and embarrassed. I certainly wouldn't take them to task over it as it would just make me look demented and clingy but I can understand where the OP is coming from.

Littlethingsmeanalot I don't think the OP is ending the friendship over not being a bridesmaid but because she realized the friendship isn't what she thought it was. I am not sure she is ending it either, just cutting back a bit.

Your friendship isnt as important to her as it is to you. She has other friends that she values more highly.

It's sad but that doesn't mean she doesn't want to be your friend

You have choices. You can continue as you are now knowing that your friendship is different. Or you can choose to leave. You don't need to make a big fuss about it. Just be less available

Without sounding harsh, maybe she has more solid friendships with these women. Are they married? Sometimes people go old school and don't have married women as MOH or bridesmaids. Just a thought, whatever the person wants is what they should do. I can understand why you are upset, however, it is her day. Weddings can cause so much fuss and there always seems to be someone hurt by not being invited/only invited to afters/no place in the wedding party. At least you got an invite? Try to look on the bright side.
Maybe she just did not want to go on the holiday. Again, she's entitled to go with who she wants. Sometimes I have chosen plans with one group of friends over another but it doesn't mean I don't care about everyone the same. Maybe you thought she was a better friend than she actually was.
Either way there's not much you can do, you could bring it up but you'd look like you were throwing your toys out of the pram and it might just cause her to feel bad about her upcoming wedding. You can't please everyone.

Some very cunty responses considering OP has admitted that it has dawned on her that she clearly sees the relationship differently to her friend

YANBU to be upset and YANBU to distance yourself after the wedding. IMO, you wouldn't be unreasonable to just not go.

I also don't know what relevance all the "maybe she realised...." blah blah blah shit is? Maybe she realised she didn't want a big fuss for her own wedding so she did a shit job of organising OP's hen party? How does that make sense?

I feel like nowadays we've been so pushed to look after own mental health and wellbeing that people won't put themselves out even slightly for someone who is a good friend (and let's be real here, OP's friend mightn't have counted her as a Best Friend but she clearly knew OP valued her as a Good Friend) or ask for a lesser role in a wedding. And no matter how some posters personally feel about weddings - they are important to the person getting married, and I think most brides and grooms would like a tiny bit of courtesy around that?

Some unkind replies here.

Of course it's hurtful to realise that you're not as important to someone as they are to you.

You can't make her feel something she clearly doesn't feel, but I would use this as a reason to quietly step back from this friendship.

Do you have other close friends?

Its always painful to discover that someone doesn't view a friendship in the same way, esp in quite such a public way. I don't blame you OP...go to the wedding and then move on. Grieving is understandable, as is being hurt.

Perhaps the friendship has changed since your wedding, an invite to the hen shows she still sees you as a friend but perhaps not as close as you once was?

My DH was best man for his friend in 2018 which was a very large wedding & when we got married in 2022 (a very small wedding of just 20 in the day and then an open invite for friends and wider family to join us in the evening for drinks at a local pub) his friend called him the night before the wedding and said they wouldn’t be coming as needed to work late (he works in an office that shuts at 5.30pm but hey ho) and would pop our card and gift (not expected at all btw) over at some point.. that was 9 months ago and we’ve not heard from the friend since the call the night before the wedding and he didn’t wish DH a happy birthday or our DS so I think that friendship ship has sailed.

Given she’s invited you on her hen do that to me feels like she wants to maintain a friendship. I get why you’re feeling hurt as I think I would feel hurt too but if I took a step back and could see the friendship had changed between the weddings then I don’t think I’d want to cut it off completely and just that it’s different now

But we don’t know that and she’s not given enough detail . It might be her niece or sister who is moh for all we know.

op, who is the moh and how many bridesmaids are there?