To end a friendship over not being made a bridesmaid?

[SillyBilly1993]

I had a lovely wedding a couple of years ago. My best friend of many years was my chief bridesmaid, she was my witness and made a speech too. I paid for her bridesmaids dress, jewellery, for her hair and make up. She did a bit of a pants job of organising my hen party which was stressful as I had to pick up the slack, but over the years she’s been a great friend to me and I’ve always felt really lucky and proud to have her in my life as such a close friend.

My friend got engaged last year and I assumed that she would ask me to be her maid of honour too. But time went by and eventually I got an invitation to her hen party from another friend of hers, which confirmed my fears that I wasn’t going to be asked to be a bridesmaid.

I was incredibly hurt that my friend hadn’t spoken to me to let me down gently, but I didn’t want to confront her because I knew that she had other difficult things going on in her life and because I couldn’t see what good could come of making a fuss.

But it was her hen party over the weekend, and I found it incredibly difficult. It felt humiliating that everyone knew that she had been my chief bridesmaid but I hadn’t been given any role in hers. It was upsetting to see her talking excitedly about plans for the wedding weekend with the bridesmaids. It was jarring to see how amazing and well planned her hen party was - it brought it home how little effort she had put into mine. I’d recently tried to organise a holiday with her but she’d said she didn’t have enough annual leave to spare, but in front of me at the weekend she was organising a holiday with other friends.

I can’t see us moving past this. The friendship wasn’t what I thought it was, and I feel like a fool. It’s made me feel worthless - that someone that I valued so highly would so completely not feel the same way.

I don’t think that anything that she could say would save the friendship now, so I’m intending to reduce contact with her, attend her wedding, and then quietly stop seeing her. AIBU for cutting her off in this way without saying anything because I wasn’t made a bridesmaid, am I taking it too seriously or should I confront her with how I feel first?

To add: imo, if you do ask your friend if you can talk and bring it up, how she responds will say a lot about her as a person and how she feels about you.

If my actions caused my friend to feel hurt, even if I didn't personally believe I'd done anything wrong? Well, to be a friend they'd be someone I cared about a lot and I'd want to understand, apologise, explain, and try put things right.

Some people would get defensive, argue, get in a huff and use it as an excuse to end something they'd been wanting to drift from for ages.

I think you will get some healing either way if you talk.

I think you are being a bit precious to end a friendship over this, it's a bit immature
It's ok to be disappointed but I wouldn't end a friendship over it
Times change and maybe she is now closer to other people
You don't say who the other bridesmaids are but it's her wedding

You sound a bit suffocating. Sorry OP.

I really think slowly moving away from the friendship is the right choice. It’s clear you love her but, I’m sorry, she doesn’t feel the same about you.

Shes sending you messages that you’re not close - that’s ok, friendships change over time, but I know that can hurt.

Find friends that value and love you and just accept this for what it is. The kind thing to do imo, would be to move away from the friendship because it doesn’t actually seem like she wants it anymore but maybe she feels obligated to you hence inviting you to the wedding and the hen. Honestly, it’s just time to move on.

Are the others single OP? It's not the norm to have married women as BM. The holiday is upsetting though. I would just back out - let her do any running if she wants to maintain the friendship. Ignore those being mean on this thread.

One of my friends tells everyone that I’m her best friend. We are quite close and have known each other a long time but she simply isn’t my “best” friend. I have a friend who i’m much closer to, speak to every day, who is much more active in my life.
her being the person you are closest to doesn’t necessarily mean you are the person she is closest to. I don’t think you should take offence or assume you should automatically get to have certain roles in her life- MOH, godmother to her children etc. would it have bothered you the same if she had chosen a sister? I don’t think this is worth ending a friendship over.

I find it best not to have expectations on other in life. I personally am not someone who finds things like being a bridesmaid the be-all and end-all. Although have happily and proudly been bridesmaid and maid of honour and provided a lovely bridal shower for a friend. Another best friend didn’t have me as a bridesmaid and I didn’t mention or make a fuss about it, she then celebrated a milestone birthday just with me a couple of years later. Some people have lots of best friends and have to share out events and responsibilities. Just be grateful to have friends you love and don’t discount it for something relatively unimportant.

Friendships change over the years and maybe she is just closer to others now. I do feel it’s a bit odd nothing was said if she had such a big role in your wedding but then maybe she feels awkward saying it.
I don’t think I’d lose a friendship over it unless you were drifting apart anyway it might happen naturally. To just drop her after the wedding will likely make you look a bit sour

It's crap being a bridesmaid anyway. I much prefer to be a guest with no expectation (or insane expense.) When I was much younger it was exciting, after I got married I dreaded being asked.
The older I get, the more I see very few friends view each other in identical ways. I'm the best friend of four different women but I'm not five so I'd describe them all as close friends, one of whom I'm closer to than the others. It doesn't mean I don't love them all.

This is a great point. I was bridesmaid for my two oldest friends, but they weren’t bridesmaids for me. I thought they’d prefer to enjoy the wedding with their husbands and kids, rather than have all the bridesmaid faff.

Mind you, I did speak to them first to check, so I knew my intentions weren’t misunderstood.

Sorry you are feeling upset though OP, but please don’t feel embarrassed - you have done nothing wrong!

I think it sounds like you have a 1 sided friendship to be honest, you thought of her as your best friend, she just considers you a friend, still worthy of a hen invite and wedding invite but you aren't her best mate. I think how you write about her here is very telling, you sound quite needy to be honest, I'd find this hard to deal with. As for paying for the wedding stuff for your wedding, of course you did, it was your wedding, I paid for everything my bridesmaids wore plus hair and makeup, this is standard if you want someone to be in your wedding party.

I'd phase her out, it is hurtful what she's doing, she knows full well what she's doing planning holidays in front of you when she declined to go with you, doing excited bridesmaid talk etc. To be honest if it was me I'd probably just pull out the wedding too, I wouldn't want to waste anymore time or money on her.

I agree with this. It’s ok to be hurt about it but I’d just cool things a little, not cut her off. You might regret that in the long term, friendships ebb and flow.

Stop being so melodramatic and get over yourself. She can have a cat as a bridesmaid if she wants, it’s her wedding. You’re honestly acting like a child, if she was really your “best friend” you’d just talk to her about it like a grown up.

I was just about to suggest this .but I wasn't sure if I was right with this.
I think a lot of brides do stick with the traditions .there are probably lots of books and magazines about planning a wedding. And some brides will stick to the "rules"
And if this was the case I Would be even more annoyed by her need to stick by tradition ,
Hurtful for you ? Yes , no doubt there. But a deliberate slight? Maybe not .
Be thankful you are not part of a potential bridezillas wedding party.

I would just go to the wedding , have a great time and then just slowly retreat from the relationship

This. She has phased you out already.

You’re not unreasonable to feel sad and hurt because it sounds like the friendship is lopsided in terms of effort and closeness. I’d pull a sickie and not attend the wedding, not out of spite but simply as attending with mixed/negative emotions is a wasted day. You won’t enjoy it and by the sounds of things she won’t particularly feel your absence with other friends/family. If she then contacts you again within a few months of the wedding then you can start again with more realities expectations of the friendship. If she doesn’t contact you for a few months then you have your answer.

I think yabu only because you haven’t actually talked to her about it. If you are as close as you say shouldn’t you be able to talk to her about your feelings and ask?

Her saying she didn’t have any leave left, could they have already spoken about this trip before yours and it was brought up by someone hence her not having the time for yours?

Her not being great at her duties at your wedding, has she ever organised anything before? Is the one that is chief bridesmaid for her, more organised? Could she have more people assisting her? Your wedding was also a couple of years ago and she could have become better at such things.

You can just pull away but will it sit right with you not knowing her reasons why?

@brunettemic
Stop being so melodramatic and get over yourself. She can have a cat as a bridesmaid if she wants, it’s her wedding. You’re honestly acting like a child, if she was really your “best friend” you’d just talk to her about it like a grown up

You don’t sound much like a grown up.

If going to the wedding is too upsetting I'd just decline now. She's had her head turned by another friendship group re holiday etc so I'd back off without an argument and focus on other friends. She's been thoughtless so look after your own feelings.

I think she should have spoken to you, as she was your BM, and she must have known how you felt about the friendship.

I didn’t have any adult bridesmaids (just children of the family) and I’m very happy with that decision! Was just too complicated, as I have friends from different friendship groups who I value equally, and the idea of “dressing” them also seemed a bit overwhelming to me.

My oldest friend from school came round before the wedding when I was getting ready and signed the register along with the best man. I organised my own hen do!

Do you have close friends? You sound very intolerant. Having a cat would have been a lot less hurtful or maybe you don’t believe in people having feelings, all water off a ducks back to you I guess.

I don't think OP is making her friends wedding all about her, is she? She's posting on an anon message board though about how she feels upset by this. A lot of people would to be fair, doesn't sound like OP has said anything to the friend to make her feed bad or whatever.

OP I agree with others that sadly it sounds like perhaps she doesn't view the friendship to the same extent that you do.

I hear unfortunately stories about English women doing this to their best or other friends all the time. The stupidity, ignorance and coldness of what means to be a true friend in this country is baffling

but over the years she’s been a great friend to me and I’ve always felt really lucky and proud to have her in my life as such a close friend.

YABVU

You say she’s been a great friend for years but you want to fall out with her over this 1 thing?!

Be upset that you weren’t chosen but accept that she chose someone else instead.
Don’t throw your toys out of the pram and bring up her doing a bad job at your wedding etc as that’s really childish.

Be happy for your friend and enjoy the wedding without the stress.