Annoyed about day out?

[QueenDaydreaming]

Bank holiday weekend - as normal I’ve taken DS to sports class Sat am, then arranged lifts with another Mum for birthday party Sun am. Both days I’ve started wfh about 10.30, all day. DP gets up about midday and takes DS out in the afternoons. BH Monday is ‘family’ day out!

I tell DP on Sunday evening that I will need to work at 5pm on Monday. There are two options discussed for family day out, I say I’ll ask DS in the morning - he asks to go fishing. DP has breakfast in bed and researches fishing options. DP gets up around 11.30 (I’ve been cleaning & working) and says we’re going to X. DP gets DS ready, packs bag and off we go. We miss turning to X and stop off at garage where friend works. DP pays for fuel, I pay second for snacks. Friend comments on us going to Z (not even second option)! Yep, back in the car, we drive off and head towards Z - an hour away. Arrive at Z beach - lovely, but no beach stuff packed. DS doesn’t care, happy to be on the beach. DP walks us for half an hour along beach, past everyone playing, DS eventually breaks down, refuses to go any further (DS is 5). DP tells us we’re going for a walk, not sitting on our arses all day. DS is crying so DP says we can stay where we are (the worst bit of beach), he’s going for a walk as planned. DS and I sit and play, DP comes back in better mood, and everyone happy to continue to next bit of beach. Everyone plays happily for 45/60 mins, before we have to leave to walk 30 mins back to car. Walk becomes stressful as DS continues to want to play. Back to car, no time for ice cream. Tea (ie takeaway) is discussed on way home, I remind DP I need to work and phone staff to apologise I’ll be 10 minutes late back. DP strops again that there’s “fresh air for tea again!”. I suggest he drops me off and goes back into town for takeaway. Nope. We all get home, I start work, DP cooks tea for him & DS.

AIBU to feel that our family day was made unnecessarily stressful by DP? He thinks it’s my fault for not arranging cover for my work at 5pm!

Gosh this doesn’t sound very smooth functioning at all. No chance I’m taking my husband breakfast in bed every day. Fuck that.

also I sometimes let him sleep past 8am but after 8:30 I am absolutely fuming (he’s been in bed since 10pm) no one needs that much sleep if they have children. People need to be getting up at a reasonable hour, he’s not some slobbish teenager.

I don’t know how you manage to stay married to your husband

@QueenDaydreaming You may have just "got used to things" but this is really all not OK. He "isn't a morning person" but gets up and goes to work 5 days a week?! Of course he can do mornings. Parents just can't choose to opt out of mornings. It's unbelievably selfish to leave half the day for the other parent to deal with.

But you're actively helping him to be like this. It's absolutely mad that you take him breakfast in bed as well as doing all the morning stuff for yourself and your child. He isn't disabled, elderly or ill and he's responsible for his own job including timekeeping.

And you take him breakfast in bed when he's not working too, letting him sit in bed late, "researching" the fishing trip for your son that he half-heartedly embarked on and then abandoned, letting the little boy down. No 5 year old is going to be happy going on a long walk with a snappy, irritated dad when he was meant to be having a fishing trip.

Yet instead of planning to deal with your partner's behaviour, you say you won't ask your son what he wants to do next time.
It's all about tiptoeing round a selfish, irritable, lazy man who wants to opt out of parenting. Miserable days like this will happen again and again if you don't stop pandering to him.

It sounds like poor communication all around and unsatisfying for everyone. It’s never going to change unless you both talk to each other and make proper plans and agree things ahead of time. It sounds very frustrating - particularly for your child.

The first thing I would do is tell your DH that you're not going to be bringing him breakfast in bed every day. You do realise that you're time is equal in value right? So has he ever brought you breakfast in bed (apart from on your birthday or Mother's Day)? I'm going to guess that he hasn't.
So, stop doing that. You can bring him the odd cup of coffee but it is to be the exception rather than the rule.

If you get up or if DS gets up, DH gets up too.
Similarly when he gets home, he doesn't get to have a cigarette and loll about on the couch. He starts spending time with his son.

I agree that if you don't put a stop to the current situation, you're showing your DS what is acceptable (it isn't) in a man and how he treats a woman. Start deciding how you want to be treated and start getting your DH to treat you all better.

Next time plan ahead.

Your son's going to learn that men lay around, get food brought to them, decide where to go and when, play no part in being a parent or running a home, ......exactly how to make a very unhappy future .....you need to change what he sees for the sake of his adulthood.

Other posters have already pointed out the ridiculousness of this situation. So I'll just add... you bring him breakfast in bed every morning...that bedroom must be grim.

So I think you're making it loud and clear here that your husband's choices will always come before your DSs.
1.DH wants to stay in bed, DS been promised a day out - DH wins and gets the morning in bed

1. DS wants fishing, DH wants a walk - DH wins
2. DS wants to play on the beach, DH wants to walk - DH wins yet again.

He's done a right number on you, OP and you're letting his do one on DS too.

Has your partner made any changes to his routine since having a child or do you just facilitate him continuing as he always has?

Neither my partner or I are morning people, and I'm also a bad sleeper but there is no way I would stay in bed until 11.30am - that's almost half way through my son's day!

I’m trying to think of something but no, no changes to routine. He used to get up in the night when DS was a baby, and occasionally does now if I don’t wake up. And yes, I tend to see weekends as we have DS for half a day each, me mornings, DP afternoons.

Point taken 😔

How is your relationship in general?

You definitely need to start standing up to your partner. Pisstakers can only take the piss because they're allowed to. He has responsibilities and needs to get out of bed. He can't sleep properly at night because he keeps dozing off during the day and sleeping in late. All of this is not acceptable from an adult with kids as others have said.

I would normally work Monday evening. I said I would see if someone was available to cover, they weren’t, I told him that on Sunday. Yes, I could have planned it better. It would just have meant that we had time to get a takeaway on the way home. Quite honestly I’d rather have worked and saved the money.

Breakfast in bed with a coffee.
Jesus Christ OP.
You’re acting like his bloody servant and enabling his total laziness.

Why are you taking all the blame but not putting any on him....he knew you were working he could have got up but doesn't care enough. Plenty of us have sleep problems I am up until 3 or 4 most nights and still get up for work at 7 not finishing until 6 then doing housework etc ...you can't be a lazy git and leave everything to the other parent he's making excuses.

Avoiding arguing in front of DS is good. But that isn’t your only option. As so often on MN, “not a confrontational person” seems to be code for “too cowardly to stand up for myself (or my DC)”.

FGS stop with the coffee/ breakfast in bed. You are not running a hotel. No wonder he stays in bed to 11.30, you need to starve him out.

Next time, if you must be the one who gets up, go in there at 8.30/ 9, open the curtains, say breezily “I think we’ll need to get going by 10 or we’ll hit traffic, and you know I have to be back by 5.

When he tries to change destination just say you don’t think it will work in the time you have but happy to go there next time. When you get to the beach just say, “me and DS will set up here”, then if he wants to walk he can do his own thing for an hour (like go on a walk), then swap so you can do your own thing. He’s not the god of days out. It sounds like you’re so keen not to rock the boat that you agree to his plans, whether or not you or DS want to do them, which is a bit sad. He should be prepared to listen to sense and want you all to have fun.

Try to have the basics in for dinner, even beans on toast, but don’t put up with a load of passive aggressive shit. You’re not the dinner lady, he’s more than capable of giving DS an apple and then taking him to the shop to buy other stuff for dinner.

Just shout WAKE UP at him or set an alarm.