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AIBU?

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Original poster

Same parents, different surnames: has anyone done this?

84 replies

Jourdain11 · 29/05/2023 20:01

My DH has a very English but unusual surname, and I have a non-English surname which I never contemplated changing. When DC were born, we gave them all his surname, but they all have my surname on their birth certificates as a middle name (so, think, "Tomkinson, Anna Paulette Jourdain" - not the real name, but like that).

My DD2 announced today that it's very "old-fashioned" that they should all have DH's surname rather than mine. I said it had never really occurred to me to do it differently! She thinks at least one of them should have my surname "to make it fair" and because "it's not very good for women's equality to just ignore your surname, you know?"

Further to this, she informed me this evening that she has "done research" and apparently Harriet Harman's daughter has her surname, while her two sons have her husband's. This, apparently, proves that it is normal. However, she accepts that daddy might feel a bit upset if she and DD1 both take my surname, so she's happy to be the only one with mine!

I actually knew about Harriet Harman's children, but I've never come across anyone personally who mixed up surnames for their kids. In principal, I think it is totally reasonable! In practicality, would it not be really confusing?

YABU - it's weird and confusing
YANBU - it's a nice idea and who cares if it's confusing?

DD2 is 9. I have no idea how she knows who Harriet Harman is.

OP posts:
SlipperyLizard · 29/05/2023 20:03

DH and I agreed that girls would have my name, boys would have his. We have two DDs, both with my surname & DH’s as a second middle name.

Original poster
Jourdain11 · 29/05/2023 20:06

I think that's actually very smart! It just never occurred to us at the time. I have two DDs (11 and 9) and a DS (7).

OP posts:
TakeMe2Insanity · 29/05/2023 20:08

My friend did this as an adult.

MyUsernameIsBetterThanYours · 29/05/2023 20:08

Well firstly congratulations on raising an awesome, independent minded, feminist 9 year old! She sounds fabulous.

I think if she genuinely wants to do it, why not? 9 is young though so you might want to get her to wait a little so she can be sure about her decision before she goes through with it. Maybe say that you’d support her with it in six months if she’s still keen then.

ValBiro · 29/05/2023 20:09

We have done the same as @SlipperyLizard and yeah... It probably is confusing for people that don't know us well. Their opinion doesn't bother me but if they were to ask out of curiosity it wouldn't make me feel uncomfortable or annoyed either. Like... I wouldn't feel like I needed to defend our decision.

JaninaDuszejko · 29/05/2023 20:12

Friends of ours have a DD with her Mum's surname and DSs with their Dad's surname. Everyone seems to cope with them being one family.

Wish we'd done it with the DC TBH but didn't think of it till they were older.

treesareyellow · 29/05/2023 20:12

It makes total sense to do that!

Original poster
Jourdain11 · 29/05/2023 20:14

She turns 10 in August, right before the start of the school year. I'd be inclined to say she can decide then, just because it'd be so neat and tidy (just in time for Y6!).

DH doesn't have any particular attachment to his surname, which is actually FiL's stepfather's surname anyway. Apparently FiL stepfather was a bigoted, xenophobic, racist git, so I don't think anyone feels strongly about his great-grandchildren carrying his name!

OP posts:
NeverDropYourMooncup · 29/05/2023 20:14

I wonder why somebody would choose for the male children to have their father's surname, but not the female ones?

Isthisexpected · 29/05/2023 20:15

Our children have my surname because I was the one carrying them. My husband was happy with that argument!

holidaylistmania · 29/05/2023 20:16

We did this for ours. Girls have my name boys have his name. It doesn't really come up in real life, some family members were surprised and commented at the time. We just smiled and ignored basically .

PriamFarrl · 29/05/2023 20:17

We got married in the Czech Republic. We were asked at the time if I was going to take DH’s name but also if boys would have his name and girls mine, or both his, or both mine!

JaninaDuszejko · 29/05/2023 20:17

How would you DH's family feel about it? When we spoke to our DCs about our friend's areangement we all agreed it was a great idea but probably too late to change it without upsetting DH's parents. On the other hand it would stop my nephews telling my DC they weren't real 'Duszejko's 🙄

Original poster
Jourdain11 · 29/05/2023 20:17

I guess it's just the easiest way to pick the surname for the child!

I wouldn't care about people thinking it was odd, as long as they don't think that DD has changed it because she hates her father or anything.

OP posts:
varsitychic · 29/05/2023 20:17

We have merged our surnames, so DH, DC and I all have the same surname but it's a merger of mine and DH's original surnames.

Original poster
Jourdain11 · 29/05/2023 20:19

JaninaDuszejko · 29/05/2023 20:17

How would you DH's family feel about it? When we spoke to our DCs about our friend's areangement we all agreed it was a great idea but probably too late to change it without upsetting DH's parents. On the other hand it would stop my nephews telling my DC they weren't real 'Duszejko's 🙄

I don't think they'd care - it's a surname which was basically forced on FiL aged 14 or so and I don't think anyone is particularly attached to it.

OP posts:
LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 29/05/2023 20:19

Some countries don’t actually allow it. I know the Netherlands require all children with the same parents to have the same surname. No idea how many other countries have such a rule, I know the uk doesn’t.

EggInANest · 29/05/2023 20:21

Maybe she could simply swap the order of the two surnames?

I don’t think it is fair to guilt trip her about ‘upsetting Daddy’ (let alone the ILs as in another PP’s suggestion): the whole point of the patriarchy-by-default option is that woman are never suppose to be upset about children not having their name. Hopefully your DH is open minded and inclined to support your DD’s independent thinking.

ecuse · 29/05/2023 20:21

We made a deal before kids that any daughters would take my surname and any sons would take his. We are married but I haven't changed my name. I believe this to be the perfect solution to the dilemma!

First DC was a girl; she therefore has my surname but my DH's surname as a middle name. So she has both names technically and for passports etc if either of us were to travel alone with them, but day-to-day she just goes by my surname.

Then we had a second DC, also a girl, so per our "deal" should have done the same, but by then I was determined that we would not be having any more than 2 kids! DH wasn't too fussed and happy to stick to the deal but other than him and his brother (who for various reasons is unlikely to have kids) they are only males of his generation - all the other cousins are female and married and changed names. PILs wouldn't have made a fuss but I know it made them sad that their surname would "die out" this generation. So we ended up giving DD2 her dad's surname (with mine as middle name). Which means my two girls have different surnames to one another.

As far as I know it doesn't cause anyone any great confusion at school or wherever. I assume if anyone thinks about it at all they may wonder whether we're a blended family but I don't expect anyone spends much time thinking about it.

The girls so far don't seem too arsed about it! (Tweenaged now).

Emeraldrings · 29/05/2023 20:26

My DDs have my surname, mainly because I got pregnant very early on in my relationship with DH and obviously didn't know if it would last. Gave DD2 my surname just as it was easier. DS has husbands surname as we were married by then and he really wanted DS to have his name.
It hasn't really caused a problem but 12 year ago gap between DD2 and DS so not as if they will ever be at school together or anything.
People at work are always intrigued by me having a different name to DS though.

Original poster
Jourdain11 · 29/05/2023 20:29

Interesting that so many have done it!

I do reckon a bit of the motivation is that DD2 thinks my name is more "exotic". With her and DD1, they're only 13 months apart in age and don't look alike at all, so people often assume they're blended family. I can imagine that this might only add to that (but really, who cares?).

OP posts:
Original poster
Jourdain11 · 29/05/2023 20:31

Emeraldrings · 29/05/2023 20:26

My DDs have my surname, mainly because I got pregnant very early on in my relationship with DH and obviously didn't know if it would last. Gave DD2 my surname just as it was easier. DS has husbands surname as we were married by then and he really wanted DS to have his name.
It hasn't really caused a problem but 12 year ago gap between DD2 and DS so not as if they will ever be at school together or anything.
People at work are always intrigued by me having a different name to DS though.

It makes total sense with a big age gap.

I'm always actually a teeny bit surprised by the number of women who take their husband's surname. I can't imagine doing it; I'd feel as though I was pretending to be a different person or something!

OP posts:
wp65 · 29/05/2023 20:33

My daughter has my surname, not my husband's. I felt it was so patriarchal and lame that kids are automatically given the father's surname. So I raised it with my husband, he was chill about it, and she has my surname.

wp65 · 29/05/2023 20:34

Just to add, if we have another, that kid will
probably have my surname too, for ease. But we're unlikely to have a second child.

Ponderingwindow · 29/05/2023 20:35

This was our intention, but we only ended up having 1 child for assorted reasons. Girls were going to get my surname, and boys his. Though if we had a second, I suspect we might have done it as the first child’s surname is decided by girl or boy and then we alternate.

just giving our children his surname was never on the table. We were married before conception and this was discussed ahead of time. Our names are equally important.

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