Same parents, different surnames: has anyone done this?

[Jourdain11]

My DH has a very English but unusual surname, and I have a non-English surname which I never contemplated changing. When DC were born, we gave them all his surname, but they all have my surname on their birth certificates as a middle name (so, think, "Tomkinson, Anna Paulette Jourdain" - not the real name, but like that).

My DD2 announced today that it's very "old-fashioned" that they should all have DH's surname rather than mine. I said it had never really occurred to me to do it differently! She thinks at least one of them should have my surname "to make it fair" and because "it's not very good for women's equality to just ignore your surname, you know?"

Further to this, she informed me this evening that she has "done research" and apparently Harriet Harman's daughter has her surname, while her two sons have her husband's. This, apparently, proves that it is normal. However, she accepts that daddy might feel a bit upset if she and DD1 both take my surname, so she's happy to be the only one with mine!

I actually knew about Harriet Harman's children, but I've never come across anyone personally who mixed up surnames for their kids. In principal, I think it is totally reasonable! In practicality, would it not be really confusing?

YABU - it's weird and confusing
YANBU - it's a nice idea and who cares if it's confusing?

DD2 is 9. I have no idea how she knows who Harriet Harman is.

Ours will have both of their names and when they are older can choose to keep both or drop one.

Your DD could probably do the same without going through anything legal as your name is already on all of her documents even if technically as middle rather then surname.

The implication that men want to pass their name to a boy more than to a girl doesn’t resonate with my lived reality. My DH was one of those people who really hoped to have daughters, not sons. Under our plan of girls get my name, in his ideal family, all his children would get my name.

If she's a feminist at 9 @Jourdain11 it may well be she won't want to change her name if she decides to get married, so she is picking a "name for life".

I think it's nice. I'd give it a few months to see if she changes her mind, then let her do it. You can do any paperwork after year 6 if she's still into it then.

I went to school with a brother and sister who had this precise arrangement.
and given the dad’s surname was Pratt, I thought the son might have felt shortchanged…😂

I wish I’d given my kids my surname as a middle name.

It's not that common, but we did it. I didn't change my name after marriage (why should I, it's my name) and we gave our sons his name and our daughter mine. It seemed the fairest way without saddling them all with a long name that sounded silly. No one seems too confused by it

Well yes.

I also strongly dislike the split along the sexes. Too “them and us”. But I also see many families where the family is very split into sex roles- the girls do stuff with mum, while the boys play footie with dad. This seems like an extension of that.

it reinforces this whole gender stereotype crap we’re trying to fight against.

why not first child mums name, second dads etc. take the gender roles out of it.

For us it was entirely patriarchal. Not because my husband is, he's very egalitarian. He's half Chinese on the paternal side and all boys are entitled to a Chinese generational name. All children are also recorded in a family tree album. If they are boys their children are also recorded in said book. If they are girls their children are not included. The line ends with them. They also are not entitled to the generational name. It's not (now anyway) intentionally sexist, just a tradition they have kept, but I didn't see why my daughter should have their family name if she was going to be treated differently to her brother's later on, so I gave her mine and the boys got his.

Friends of mine did it that the first born got her surname, then the second his. It fell that they had a DS then a DD. For their subsequent children they stuck with DS’s having her name.