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AIBU?

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Original poster

Same parents, different surnames: has anyone done this?

84 replies

Jourdain11 · 29/05/2023 20:01

My DH has a very English but unusual surname, and I have a non-English surname which I never contemplated changing. When DC were born, we gave them all his surname, but they all have my surname on their birth certificates as a middle name (so, think, "Tomkinson, Anna Paulette Jourdain" - not the real name, but like that).

My DD2 announced today that it's very "old-fashioned" that they should all have DH's surname rather than mine. I said it had never really occurred to me to do it differently! She thinks at least one of them should have my surname "to make it fair" and because "it's not very good for women's equality to just ignore your surname, you know?"

Further to this, she informed me this evening that she has "done research" and apparently Harriet Harman's daughter has her surname, while her two sons have her husband's. This, apparently, proves that it is normal. However, she accepts that daddy might feel a bit upset if she and DD1 both take my surname, so she's happy to be the only one with mine!

I actually knew about Harriet Harman's children, but I've never come across anyone personally who mixed up surnames for their kids. In principal, I think it is totally reasonable! In practicality, would it not be really confusing?

YABU - it's weird and confusing
YANBU - it's a nice idea and who cares if it's confusing?

DD2 is 9. I have no idea how she knows who Harriet Harman is.

OP posts:
coffy11 · 30/05/2023 05:42

Hal9001 · 30/05/2023 03:38

I have my surname but my children have my husband's, I am very open and clear about why I didn't change my surname, however I also didn't give them 'mine' because that's essentially just another man's surname.

I would like them to think about their names when the time comes.

We all have the names that are given to us and I think it's absolutely fine to accept or reject that.

It's important to know why we are named and then to consider as individuals what that means.

Funny how your name is just another mans surname. But your husbands name is his? How does that work? Whoever's name was given to you when you were born is your name, just as your husbands is his.

Choconutty · 30/05/2023 06:02

I have one with each. Not confusing to anyone TBH - I don't know if it helps or hinders that they look completely different to each other so you'd only know they were brothers if you knew anyway!

Never had any issues travelling etc. In fact it's nice because it means that if people meet the one with my surname first, I don't spend my time correcting them that I'm not Mrs. other surname.

Choconutty · 30/05/2023 06:38

Oh, and actually - we registered with his dad's surname, and deedpolled it later when I realised I really regretted it (there's a double standard BTW - if it was the other way around, they'd have let me change his surname - even on his birth certificate - to his dads, but wouldn't switch it to mine).

Not caused me any hassle at all either - passports, visas etc. no issue. I just carry his birth certificate and include a copy of the deed poll if I'm ever doing anything official.

MyFaceIsAnAONB · 30/05/2023 06:40

Katherine Ryan has. Girls are Ryan boys are Koostra. Wish I’d kept my name and done that!

CastleTower · 30/05/2023 06:42

I know someone who has alternated (as it happens, it's turned out boys/girls, but their agreement was just to alternate).

I thought it was cool tbh.

VestaTilley · 30/05/2023 06:42

I didn’t change my name on marriage. My DS has my surname and my DH’s double barrelled with a hyphen.

Good for your DD! I like her style. I’d just tell her she needs to wait until 18, that way she’ll be more sure and you won’t be stuck with the legal faff it might bring about if your DC have different names.

Hal9001 · 30/05/2023 07:00

coffy11 · 30/05/2023 05:42

Funny how your name is just another mans surname. But your husbands name is his? How does that work? Whoever's name was given to you when you were born is your name, just as your husbands is his.

Show quote history

Obviously!

That's kind of my point.

How far back does one take it?

We've all got some man's name. Which is ridiculous anyway because only matriarchy can be certain. No-one really knows who their father is, you have to take your mother's word for it.

So. That's where we are.

I'm not going to make my children take 'my name', they absolutely can. They can also take my husband's name.

I actually don't care. Names don't mean much to me, relationships, yes, names, it's just letters.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 30/05/2023 07:14

Ponderingwindow · 30/05/2023 01:35

We wanted something other than flipping a coin.

boys get moms name and girls get dads would have been equally acceptable.

In our case, there was a patriarchal middle name on Dh’s side that has been used every generation for bots and we liked the idea of giving it to a girl and messing with that. Since a girl would get a family name from his side, it made sense to use my surname for a girl.

Show quote history

Every poster so far who has divided it has given boys their father's name.

It's as though the men don't mind what the girls are called, just so long as the boys carry his. Nice and easy, simple, just happened that way - or is it just carrying on the same stuff as before with an added exclusion for female children?

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 30/05/2023 07:32

LamentedHelicopter · 30/05/2023 05:22

Given that she's only 9 I wouldn't change it officially, but just change her 'preferred name' at school. It never caused me problems that my passport and bank account was a different name to everything else.

Don’t forget that they will be registered for exams, etc, in their legal name - this threw me when checking our exam entries this year as I was wondering who on earth ‘Jane Giraffe’ was when everyone knew her and referred to her as ‘Jane Doe’!

Presumably, her exam certificates will have the name Giraffe on them too, even though she hates it…

Choconutty · 30/05/2023 07:35

Every poster so far who has divided it has given boys their father's name.

'cept me...

Although I suppose first born has his dad's name - so perhaps our 'spare' is the reason he didn't mind.

BertieBotts · 30/05/2023 08:16

I knew a family where the boys had the dad's surname and girls mum's. I think that's fairly common. Though me as a child was a bit confused and thought they weren't full siblings initially.

Beachhutnut · 30/05/2023 08:23

Surely if yours is the surname on their birth certificates, and you have not changed it by deed poll, then they actually already all have your surname. They may get called their fathers name but it's not actually their legal name?

EasterBreak · 30/05/2023 08:36

My friend did this as an adult. Parents are still very much together but she stopped using her dad's quite common surname (McSomething). and now goes by her mums lovely sounding French surname.

Croissantsandpistachio · 30/05/2023 08:37

Mine both have my name - a close family member has 2 DDs with one surname each. Never caused any confusion.

Your DD sounds fab!

Agree, don't guilt trip her about 'upsetting daddy' - she shouldn't have to factor a man's feelings into it.

EasterBreak · 30/05/2023 08:39

Is this more common in different cultures? Reminded me of a colleague who told me her and her sisters all had the surname Miah while her brothers had a more masculine sounding surname. Unsure if either of these were the same as their parents.

caramac04 · 30/05/2023 10:09

I wish I’d have thought of this! It would be great if more people did this.

JaninaDuszejko · 30/05/2023 11:37

Is this more common in different cultures?

In Iceland you are e.g. Magnus Einarson or Bjork Goðrúndóttir. Mostly people are named after their father so e.g. Einarson or Einardóttir but can be Goðrúnson or Goðrúndóttir after their mother.

In Spanish speaking cultures women don't change their name and children inherit both names, although it's father's name that is carried down further by the grandchildren, they don't keep increasing the barrelling.

Closer to home historically Scottish women didn't change their name on marriage and gravestones always have a woman's own name, not her husbands.

Naming conventions vary around the world and women and children don't always follow the English system.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 30/05/2023 11:48

I am also wondering why most posters who have done this have given their girls their name and their boys their dads name...its almost like it's still accepted that in the next generation, the girls will change their names upon marriage and give their children their husbands name but the boys wont...so the dads who agree to give the girls their mums surname aren't 'losing out' as their name wont be continued anyway. Or maybe I'm reading into it too much

Sh4rkAttack · 30/05/2023 12:05

I'm in a slightly different situation as my partner was another woman and we had one child each, giving 'my' child my name and 'her' child her name.
Having different surnames within a family unit has never been an issue.
In a heterosexual relationship, it would have been non-negotiable for me that the first child would have had my name... subsequent children I'd have been willing to alternate or something. Not keen on girls getting my name, boys his.

RuthW · 30/05/2023 12:08

I know someone who did. Two children, same sex, first had dad's name and second had mum's

NurseEssie · 30/05/2023 12:20

Georgeandzippyzoo · 30/05/2023 00:45

Genuine query here
why choose along the lines of gender which child will take whose name? I find that strange , boys to dad, girls to mam , although I dont find it strange to not want to follow the expected patriarchal line.

I know. The irony!

Talking about feminism and then saying 'a girl gets mum's name'

Is that to suggest a daughter is closer to mum than dad?

SELondonLurker · 30/05/2023 13:16

I don’t ‘love’ the idea of boys having a dads last name and girls taking mums last name, so in that sense I’ve never thought about children with different surnames but the same parent. It would make me think the dad favours / has a special relationship with the boy, and vice versa. But then, it’s none of my business what people name their kids and I’d never question it if heard it.

My husband has a very English last name, I do not (as I’m not English..!). I adore my last name and would never give it up. My husbands family name ‘ends’ with him, so he didn’t want to change either. We each kept our respective last names post-marriage (which saves on a LOT of paperwork) but double-barrelled our names for our kids.

Could be a bit tedious for them having a long last name, and I assume in conversation (at least while young), they may choose to just introduce themselves with one of the names only (likely my husbands as it is easier to pronounce and spell in the UK). I do already wonder what they will do if they choose to marry… triple-barrelled? Where does it end !?

Original poster
Jourdain11 · 30/05/2023 16:15

You could do it alphabetically, I guess - first born gets the surname which comes first in the alphabet and second gets the other one, etc. If I'd thought of it, I would have suggested doing it like this!

OP posts:
thecatsthecats · 30/05/2023 16:19

I've kept my name, DH kept his, and we're going double-barrelled for the kids.

I didn't mind the idea of them having DH's surname only, because I always teased him with the fact that a woman knows who the real father of her kids is. But his surname is crap with most forenames. So mine is going first.

thecatsthecats · 30/05/2023 16:22

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 30/05/2023 11:48

I am also wondering why most posters who have done this have given their girls their name and their boys their dads name...its almost like it's still accepted that in the next generation, the girls will change their names upon marriage and give their children their husbands name but the boys wont...so the dads who agree to give the girls their mums surname aren't 'losing out' as their name wont be continued anyway. Or maybe I'm reading into it too much

Yes, it's what it feels like.

I think that sometimes the best way to reject tradition is to reject it wholesale - which includes not letting rejecting tradition influence your ideas any more than embracing it would. Just pick and mix what suits you without worrying about rejecting or continuing anything.