Same parents, different surnames: has anyone done this?

[Jourdain11]

My DH has a very English but unusual surname, and I have a non-English surname which I never contemplated changing. When DC were born, we gave them all his surname, but they all have my surname on their birth certificates as a middle name (so, think, "Tomkinson, Anna Paulette Jourdain" - not the real name, but like that).

My DD2 announced today that it's very "old-fashioned" that they should all have DH's surname rather than mine. I said it had never really occurred to me to do it differently! She thinks at least one of them should have my surname "to make it fair" and because "it's not very good for women's equality to just ignore your surname, you know?"

Further to this, she informed me this evening that she has "done research" and apparently Harriet Harman's daughter has her surname, while her two sons have her husband's. This, apparently, proves that it is normal. However, she accepts that daddy might feel a bit upset if she and DD1 both take my surname, so she's happy to be the only one with mine!

I actually knew about Harriet Harman's children, but I've never come across anyone personally who mixed up surnames for their kids. In principal, I think it is totally reasonable! In practicality, would it not be really confusing?

YABU - it's weird and confusing
YANBU - it's a nice idea and who cares if it's confusing?

DD2 is 9. I have no idea how she knows who Harriet Harman is.

We just gave our kids both our names, because we're both the parents. It seemed logical.

I will, however, suggest that my daughter passes on my name amd that my son passes on his dad's, to avoid quadrouple-barelled names for the next generation.

My cousin gave her kids only her (and my) name as she didn't like double barrel. I think people no longer just assume a kid will have only the fathers surname

I love the idea.

One, very depressing, thing to point out is that a lot of people will assume that they don’t have the same parents. Whether that bothers you as a family is very personal, but it’s worth consideration.

Just realised I mis-spelled "in principle" in my OP. Ugh! I never do that. Apologies... I'm going to blame autocorrect, or my tenuous grasp of homophones as a non-native speaker 😂

I would ask her if Harriet Harman's name was so blimmin' equal then why is she not called Harriet Harwoman?

Honestly, I really don't know why you even entertaining wasting your time doing this. I made a 1 digit mistake in a child's birthday applying for a passport and I was thrown into 3 months of Kafka's Bureaucratic Nightmares. Another time autofill gave my son my surname and I didn't notice. We've never been able to change his Google schools log in. It's just too much for the system to cope with.

I can't imagine you'd ever experience one moments peace again if you tried to change your daughter's name on a whim like this.

We did consider the double-barrelled approach, but the names just sounded weird put together. Neither of us were particular fans.

I can't imagine you'd ever experience one moments peace again if you tried to change your daughter's name on a whim like this.

And yet millions of women change their surnames every year and appear to live peacefully ever after.

We just gave our kids both our names, because we're both the parents. It seemed logical.

I wasn't bothered until I realised my DP's name was as common as muck so then she got given both our names. My DP insisted on the hyphen though even due to my name root it isn't needed, simply because some UK systems still don't recognise a last name can consist of more than one name.

Speaking to a few parents who gave their kids only their father's common as muck name they wished they had done the same.

There are more people around than lots of people realise who don't use their birth name and have officially changed it.

It really isn't a big deal.

And yet millions of women change their surnames every year and appear to live peacefully ever after.

I changed my name when I got married. Made an actual appointment at the bank and they changed it on the system for me while I was there. Marvellous. Except the chap who did it somehow didn’t quite do it and I had all sorts of problems and (back in the day) had to carry my passport and my marriage certificate in my bag for 9 months to be able to write a cheque (as yes, that’s how long they took to sort of out). And that was for something run of the mill! I can easily foresee some major administrative cock up with what the OP is suggesting.

But kids get their surnames changed when their parents remarry and so on? Maybe less so now than previously, but it happens and presumably the administration isn't insurmountable!

The deal between me and my late DH was my surname for a girl, his for a boy. It's fine.

I have a friend whose daughter has her surname and whose son has her husband's surname. Everyone assumes that they are step/half siblings.

Genuine query here
why choose along the lines of gender which child will take whose name? I find that strange , boys to dad, girls to mam , although I dont find it strange to not want to follow the expected patriarchal line.

We wanted something other than flipping a coin.

boys get moms name and girls get dads would have been equally acceptable.

In our case, there was a patriarchal middle name on Dh’s side that has been used every generation for bots and we liked the idea of giving it to a girl and messing with that. Since a girl would get a family name from his side, it made sense to use my surname for a girl.

This is a great idea! Whilst unusual when children are small, when adults it is likely that they will have different surnames anyway. When my immediate family meet, grandparents, parents and siblings, there are now 4 surnames in the room when there used to be just 1!

I kept my maiden name when I married, my DC has my husbands surname. My only minor concern would be travelling if I had to prove he was mine (although he looks like me and I thought I'd just carry a copy of his birth certificate). I know plenty of people where the mother or father doenst share the child's surname

Like others on the thread, my dd has my name, and my ds has my husband's name. The only issue we have had, is that the school allocated Houses alphabetically on the basis of surnames. It's not a big deal, but the school is doing more and more according to house, eg. in an emergency, the kids go to different evacuation areas according to house, school hats are now house colours, so can't be passed between them etc. I didn't foresee this as an issue, but it's a minor annoyance.

What an awesome daughter you have to be thinking critically and not being conditioned by society's expectations. You should be very proud of her.

I have my surname but my children have my husband's, I am very open and clear about why I didn't change my surname, however I also didn't give them 'mine' because that's essentially just another man's surname.

I would like them to think about their names when the time comes.

We all have the names that are given to us and I think it's absolutely fine to accept or reject that.

It's important to know why we are named and then to consider as individuals what that means.

My Grandfather was a similar bigot. I did briefly think of doing the girls get my surname, the boys get then DH surname, but after what my Grandfather said about my disabled brother being unsuitable to carry on the family name I decided I'd rather our family name die out at least in this branch.

I kept my own last name when we got married.
Both children have my last name.
Eldest son has DH's last name as a middle name and DH didn't like that so 2nd child doesn't but DH picked his own favourite name instead.

So you are surprised that people take their husband's name but you gave your kids y

But you gave your kids your husband's last name 🤐

I dont get it

But anyway

Change their names then

I can't understand why you would allow them to have your dhs last name in the first place as you claim it came from a bigoted and racist man 😲

This always bugs me.

your name is not some man’s name. It became your name the instant you were named.

Given that she's only 9 I wouldn't change it officially, but just change her 'preferred name' at school. It never caused me problems that my passport and bank account was a different name to everything else.