How often to call your adult children?

[tiggerkid]

Hi everyone,

To keep long story short, I’ll get straight to my question. I have a son at uni and it seems that he never actually has any time for his parents at all. Whenever I call him, he never answers the phone. Clearly, he must be able to see that he has missed calls but he never calls back. This is regardless of the time of the day or which day I call. And to be honest I wouldn’t say I am one of those parents who call every day. I have tried explaining to him that we just want to make sure that everything is fine and if he can’t answer the phone at a particular time, all he has to do is respond something by text. No success.

When I finally managed to get through to him this week, for about 3 minutes, he gave me just “yes” and “no” kind of answers. When I asked if everything was ok, he said everything was fine and he was just giving me short answers because I was interrogating him apparently. My questions, however, were generally about what he’s been up to, if the weather was good, if he managed to catch up with his friend etc. I was just trying to keep the conversation going amid his yes/no answers.

I don’t actually know what to do with this but his behaviour seems generally quite disrespectful. When we come up to visit him, we usually take him to lunch and after that, he wants to go straight away and doesn’t want to spend a second longer than lunch itself in our company.

He doesn’t remember either mine or his dad’s birthday and basically generally seems to not want to have anything to do with us other than for us to supply money for his university living expenses.

I am not at all saying I am the greatest mother in the world or has been the greatest ever but is that disrespectful or am I expecting too much here and need to tone it down? I generally don’t call more than, let’s say, once every 2 weeks or so. In his first year, I called weekly but then I thought maybe it’s too often, so I cut down on that and try not to hover too much. But even that seems like too much. What would you do?

I just messaged mine at that age I don't think they could be bothered with chat send him WhatsApp and maybe phone him occasionally.

My DDad was an academic and said that the surest way to drive a young person away was to chase after them and demand they spent time with you. I barely spoke to my parents when I was at university…I was as busy as I’ve ever been and terms were short. I adore them and knew they were there if I needed them but it was my time to be myself with no ties. Plenty of time for that later. My friends whose parents did demand weekly calls are noticeably less close to their parents now. It’s natural and not disrespectful. Let him fly and have his back and you should develop and loving, grown up relationship.

Mine comes homes regularly, responds to texts and occasionally facetimes - usually related to helping him with something or another. I think it comes naturally that they move away from us and is the normal way of things. We are there if they need us.

My folks didn’t call me at all - they waited for me to call them. Plus WhatsApp.

Messages and memes seem to be the way to keep in touch with mine. I only ring for important stuff. I video called him last night after he messaged about the Netflix debacle as it was easier than messaging. He definitely doesn't always pick up. Can take 3 days to read a message etc.
I wouldn't worry too much. Mostly selfish arseholes at this age really. It isn't you! It's them 🙄.

Ds going into 3rd year. Weekly call for 10 to 15 mins on a set night/ time that suits him has worked with what's ap messaging as needed from either side. Call is teatime so its really a family chat with dd & dh too, bit of a news exhange and not interrogation. Seems to work OK for us

Should add looking at pp we are a close family , and he's happy with this we don't chase. If he's rung during the week about something else we skip the weekly call.

Mine texts me daily. It's often one or two sentences which continues over the course of days but it's good to know that she is ok. I suspect that the sleeping and waking schedule is very different compared to when she is here.

Her siblings (older and younger) prefer text to phone calls. They were trained to reply to my texts since they started going out with friends. They text me back when they are at their dad's house too. Might take an hour or two but basic manners.

Mine never called..but would FB messenger contact many many times a day. I called him rarely only if I had something serious I needed to actually talk about. I would have liked to speak to him but it didn't work for him but messaging did as he was messaging his sibs n mates anyway. Find something that works for you and hang on in there

Maybe he’s annoyed at you giving him your anxiety to hold and demanding reassurance. That’s not his job. It’s your job to look after your feelings.

I spoke to my mum every day when I was at uni through text and calls (I think). We text every day now that I’ve moved out and have a child and call maybe every 2-3 days 🤔

I would try texting instead of calling.

I speak to my mum everyday via video call and I see her twice a month .
DP (26) speaks to his dad once a week for a few minutes and sees him every couple of months.

My best friend has a great relationship with her kids. Her youngest went to uni and he was on the phone multiple times a day about unhappy and lonely he was. It really wasn't like him as he had a great social life at home. She was worried about what to do. Then one day he didn't ring so she rang him instead. No reply. She couldn't get him for 3 days. And then he said he was off to the pub with some friends. She didn't hear from him for like a month. He was having a great time.

I remember in my 30s my mum ringing me at the weekend saying she was just checking to see if I was still alive. Lol. I was really close to my mum and dad and from my 40s on was regularly ringing and dropping round but at that time I had other stuff going on.

I taught at uni and its so exciting for them to have all this freedom. So much going on. Some take to it better than others. Often they just want to be with friends - it's no reflection on you. You've brought them up to be independent and they're testing that to the full. Make arrangements for a time to call each week. 10 mins chat should be enough to check he's alive and well.

I would never call unless there was a problem, but we have fairly frequent exchanges of messages, snap chats, memes etc. probably most days.

We don't really do phone calls, it tends to be text. I speak to one of them a lot, we have had 5 different 'sessions' of chat today. Her younger brother I speak to about 4 times a week as he is less chatty. She speaks to me about everything!

I have a great relationship with both my adult children, we rarely speak on the phone. We communicate mainly via WhatsApp, the family WhatsApp group is busy on a daily basis. Seems to work for us all.

Only 1 of mine will phone me for a chat. The other will just message or pop in they live relatively close so I'll see them once a week.

Another vote for text, or even WhatsApp so you don't need to sync times.

Many years later, my mother told me she knew I was happy when not in touch so tried to content helped with that thought.

I have DD who’s 22 and we speak daily. Sometimes twice or more. That’s prompted by her, she likes to keep in regular contact (I mean tbh, by the third call of the day there’s really not much to say but I don’t tell her that). DS is 26. Never calls unless it’s a dire emergency. I keep the lines of communication open by Whatsapping a general ‘everything ok?’ message once a week or so. If he’s not replied after a couple of days I call him just to ensure he’s still alive. On the very (very) odd occasion he even graces us with his actual physical presence.

Don’t know if it’s different with daughters, but text every day, throughout thr day periodically and FaceTime every week or so, she comes home every few weeks, and we go up there and spend the weekend.

When I went to university in the late 80s, our telephone use was strictly rationed and for first year in halls it was a pay phone. I spoke to my DPs maybe once a fortnight.

I would send him sarcastic texts for forgetting birthdays. Mind you I got DMs birthday month and age wrong when I was at uni and she still bangs on about it 30 years later, so it's possibly easier to forget.

If he is generally a decent human being pre uni then cut him some slack. In my generation there was much less expectation of being in contact with ones DPs all the time and vice versa.

I used to be like your son around the same age. To be honest I was just living life and was very consumed with that. In a way one of my parents wasn't the best ever so I was also taking space from that.

That said, I always remembered and made time for birthdays. Not doing that would cross a line for me, occasions are important as a family. So I'd tackle that. But I reckon leave him to it and eventually he'll come round.

More or less everyone I was at uni with now spends more time with their families again as we're all out of that partying stage and can also relate to our parents more now.

Mine only called me when they had a problem at Uni. Or needed money.

A good friend had advised me to expect this and that they would probably only call when they were down to a tin of pilchards left in the cupboard 😂

OP - it is hard, but I would send them a Whatsapp text once a week with a short update from home and leave them be. You can usually see when they last looked at WhatsApp, which at least is an indication they are still able to check their phone, so are probably still alive.

I can promise they will come home at some point - even if it’s just to raid your fridge, get their washing done for them and borrow your car.

Mine text me daily and I see them weekly. I can't remember when I last called them or them me but know I would think something awful had hapened if they called as telephone calls aren't something we tend to do.