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Original poster

How often to call your adult children?

120 replies

tiggerkid · 28/05/2023 17:09

Hi everyone,

To keep long story short, I’ll get straight to my question. I have a son at uni and it seems that he never actually has any time for his parents at all. Whenever I call him, he never answers the phone. Clearly, he must be able to see that he has missed calls but he never calls back. This is regardless of the time of the day or which day I call. And to be honest I wouldn’t say I am one of those parents who call every day. I have tried explaining to him that we just want to make sure that everything is fine and if he can’t answer the phone at a particular time, all he has to do is respond something by text. No success.

When I finally managed to get through to him this week, for about 3 minutes, he gave me just “yes” and “no” kind of answers. When I asked if everything was ok, he said everything was fine and he was just giving me short answers because I was interrogating him apparently. My questions, however, were generally about what he’s been up to, if the weather was good, if he managed to catch up with his friend etc. I was just trying to keep the conversation going amid his yes/no answers.

I don’t actually know what to do with this but his behaviour seems generally quite disrespectful. When we come up to visit him, we usually take him to lunch and after that, he wants to go straight away and doesn’t want to spend a second longer than lunch itself in our company.

He doesn’t remember either mine or his dad’s birthday and basically generally seems to not want to have anything to do with us other than for us to supply money for his university living expenses.

I am not at all saying I am the greatest mother in the world or has been the greatest ever but is that disrespectful or am I expecting too much here and need to tone it down? I generally don’t call more than, let’s say, once every 2 weeks or so. In his first year, I called weekly but then I thought maybe it’s too often, so I cut down on that and try not to hover too much. But even that seems like too much. What would you do?

OP posts:
Onelifeonly · 28/05/2023 19:42

I had a friend at uni whose mother expected him to phone every Sunday at 6pm. The rest of us thought that was very controlling. When he got married a few years later, she refused to attend the wedding, which kind of bears that out. (Though we all thought the marriage was a mistake too and weren't surprised when a divorce swiftly followed.)

However I see now why the mother might have liked a regular call, since she could not contact him in those days except in an emergency (via the authorities).

PartnersInCrime · 28/05/2023 19:42

I can't answer it that way round, I speak to my mum once a week on the phone and text almost daily.... and have done that since leaving home 20 odd years ago.

I can see my DD being like what you describe once she leaves home @tiggerkid !

caringcarer · 28/05/2023 19:45

When my DD was at Uni she rang me once a week on a Sunday evening. She only came home at the end of the term. I went to visit her at each half term and took her food shopping and out for a meal but only for 1 day. Now she is married with 2 son's. I ring her once a month and she rings me once a month so we chat every 2 weeks but text each other every week. My adult son's ring me more often. One lives 200 miles away and rings me about every 5 days. He texts and WhatsApp me too. My other son lives a mile from me so comes by to see me and share a meal each week and takes leftovers for his lunch the following day, but still rings most weeks and text several times each week. None of my DC ring their Dad more than me at e twice a year. He only ever bothers to ring our youngest son.

LindorDoubleChoc · 28/05/2023 19:46

We speak to our 22 year old dd about once a week and can easily spend over an hour on the phone with her. We all message in our fam chat WhatsApp most days. She lives hundreds of miles away from us. I would feel I was harrassing her if I expected a phone conversation every day. It was the same when she was at University.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 28/05/2023 19:49

I message my mum most days but we pretty much never call each other.

Most of our messages are arranging to meet up (around twice month) or sending random memes, TikToks or photos to each other, or passing on bits of gossip or news.

CuntingSheep · 28/05/2023 19:54

I have tried explaining to him that we just want to make sure that everything is fine and if he can’t answer the phone at a particular time, all he has to do is respond something by text

@tiggerkid In the nicest possible way, if you don't hear from them when they're at university, then you assume they are fine. Mine were/are always in touch with me if there's a problem or a financial crisis. Grin

It is absolutely normal and natural for children to want to separate themselves a bit when they fly the nest. It doesn't mean they don't love you or care about you - it just means that they are discovering who they are. Your job is to be the bouncy cushion for them to land on, if they need to.

It's also partly personality - one of my DC is coming to the end of a year abroad, and has been in touch with me every single day since October, just to say hello. I don't need that contact, but she does, so that's fine too.

Jeannie88 · 28/05/2023 19:54

When I was at university, before mobile phones and one analogue to block of 7 halls, I made the effort and wanted to call my parents at least once a week, mostly more if I passed a public phone box. They would of course call me but always a nightmare to get through or if I was in and someone had to answer and scale stairs to tell me. Sorry but it really is shit not to easily answer a call or even make one these days! As young students we are generally selfish but no excuse. He needs to buck his ideas up and realise how lucky to have caring parents, which is exactly what I would say to my own child if he does this! X

CuntingSheep · 28/05/2023 19:56

Also... I went to university in the days when you had to queue for a phone box and had to write letters. I think the internet has encouraged people to think they need to be in touch all the time. They don't.

dottypotter · 28/05/2023 19:56

tiggerkid · 28/05/2023 17:09

Hi everyone,

To keep long story short, I’ll get straight to my question. I have a son at uni and it seems that he never actually has any time for his parents at all. Whenever I call him, he never answers the phone. Clearly, he must be able to see that he has missed calls but he never calls back. This is regardless of the time of the day or which day I call. And to be honest I wouldn’t say I am one of those parents who call every day. I have tried explaining to him that we just want to make sure that everything is fine and if he can’t answer the phone at a particular time, all he has to do is respond something by text. No success.

When I finally managed to get through to him this week, for about 3 minutes, he gave me just “yes” and “no” kind of answers. When I asked if everything was ok, he said everything was fine and he was just giving me short answers because I was interrogating him apparently. My questions, however, were generally about what he’s been up to, if the weather was good, if he managed to catch up with his friend etc. I was just trying to keep the conversation going amid his yes/no answers.

I don’t actually know what to do with this but his behaviour seems generally quite disrespectful. When we come up to visit him, we usually take him to lunch and after that, he wants to go straight away and doesn’t want to spend a second longer than lunch itself in our company.

He doesn’t remember either mine or his dad’s birthday and basically generally seems to not want to have anything to do with us other than for us to supply money for his university living expenses.

I am not at all saying I am the greatest mother in the world or has been the greatest ever but is that disrespectful or am I expecting too much here and need to tone it down? I generally don’t call more than, let’s say, once every 2 weeks or so. In his first year, I called weekly but then I thought maybe it’s too often, so I cut down on that and try not to hover too much. But even that seems like too much. What would you do?

It's selfish behaviour. Feel for you, he dosent sounds like a bundle of fun either.
Has he got much of a personality?
I didnt read anything positive or fun about him? No doubt your paying his uni too.

Tryingtoconceivenumber2 · 28/05/2023 19:56

Called my mother every day when I was at Uni, my sister probably a lot less but still weekly. Am now in my 30s with family of my own, always txt daily, phone few times a week and see once ish a week. Regular pictures sent of DD to them.

I do think it's very rude of him not to even text on your birthdays and I would be disappointed at that.

I do generally think boys are worse for this DH seems to speak to his mother a lot more than he did before we were together. I always remind him to check in on her etc x

Hbh17 · 28/05/2023 20:00

He's fine - stop calling him! A couple of texts per week is sufficient. He's an adult, so you don't need to check up on him, and he definitely won't want to talk about the weather!

verdantverdure · 28/05/2023 20:01

My husband works away a lot and we have a family chat to post funnies in and that.

When my eldest goes to Uni we'll just hope they continue to contribute to that and text when they need anything.

I will hate what you describe @tiggerkid, but that's the parent's lot sometimes isn't it?

Our relationship is up to them as well as us.

continentallentil · 28/05/2023 20:01

He’ll grow out of it hopefully

Don’t take it to heart - the world is just opening up at that age, and it’s very natural to be focused on your peers and v board by family - it’s a natural separating from the tribe to become an adult. He’ll come back.

Stop calling honestly, he doesn’t want to talk to you about this day on the phone. Just message once a week (I suggest ‘are you alive?’)

Remind him of your husbands b’day and vice versa. Don’t go up too often. Do take him out for lunch (somewhere fun) don’t ask him about his personal life unless he offers it - he doesn’t want to talk about it with you at this life stage. Do talk to him about life in general or whatever he’s interested in.

You sound a bit lonely and empty nesty, so it’s time to build up the next phase of your life and let him go a bit. He will come back, but it will be as an adult not a child, and you will need to meet him as an equal and develop a friendship.

ShinyAppleDreamingOfTheSea · 28/05/2023 20:02

My DS is early 20s and lives locally with his GF. Didn't go to uni but moved out during Covid lockdown which was a bit awkward - we normally keep in touch by WhatsApp - message every day and see each other normally a couple of times a week . Possibly the enforced separation during pandemic helped him to appreciate our company? Possibly because he knows we'll normally pay if we go out somewhere together ?

I think it's harder if youngsters have moved away to uni and are trying to establish their adult identity away from you.

nokidshere · 28/05/2023 20:03

I have two sons. One I rarely have to call/text as he's very chatty and either messages or FaceTimes with exciting updates - like what he's had for dinner - multiple times a day. I know almost everything about what he's feeling/doing.

The other I never hear from unless it's a response to my (maybe fortnightly) 'are you still alive and ok' message, his reply is short and sweet 'ye all good'

They are both very independent and don't really need me anymore they've just got completely different personalities.

Lemoncurd · 28/05/2023 20:03

I told mine that I wouldn't call in case they were busy. Just send a message every so often asking how they are/how an exam or something else they were doing went/what their plans are.
They normally FaceTime soon after I message rather than reply.

Foodiefan · 28/05/2023 20:06

Mine are past uni now but I text them once a week and ask if they are around for a catch up, they then either call me there and then or say tomorrow would be better. Occasionally I have to remind them, by text the next day, not to forget about me! I get a bit of a shock if they ever call me without the weekly reminder.

girlfriend44 · 28/05/2023 20:06

Hbh17 · 28/05/2023 20:00

He's fine - stop calling him! A couple of texts per week is sufficient. He's an adult, so you don't need to check up on him, and he definitely won't want to talk about the weather!

Just cos he's an adult dosent mean he can't call his parents, he's lucky to have caring parents, sounds like he's taking them for granted and selfish.
He also dosent bother with birthdays?

Just what is he giving or putting into the relationship?

RoseRobot · 28/05/2023 20:07

I sympathise. I can feel that I want more contact than they do. Mine do call and visit but it feels more and more like duty calls. That's OK. They are just entering adulthood. It's healthy for them to want total independence and to break free from parental fuss. I'm trying to not mind. I send them food they love and texts. They call when they need stuff!

Greenfree · 28/05/2023 20:18

I would leave it up to him to txt or call you. It's probably nothing personal. I'm in my 30's and call my mum almost every day unless I'm really busy. She would only call me if she doesn't hear from me in a few days

PurpleBananaSmoothie · 28/05/2023 20:28

When I was at uni I wouldn’t call my mum very often. Every couple of weeks, I was better at texting because I was sort of nocturnal at university and even at tea
time I’d be with my housemates or doing an essay or getting ready to go out. Time at uni is weird and doesn’t really correlate to life outside uni. I’d text occasionally. In my third year my mum joined Facebook and I left her friend request for about 6 months before I added her and then her main source of information was me. DH would have a phone every couple of weeks with his parents. I think there were very few few people who were in touch once a week, unless it was messages. My brothers are younger than me and we’re in touch more but within the family WhatsApp group. Well, unless the shit hit the fan.

Since we’ve left uni both DH and I speak on the phone at least once a week with our parents but there’s usually texts during the week. During maternity leave I think I called my mum every day and I’m sure my mum was probably fed up off my showing DD’s latest gurgling. It isn’t disrespectful to not call every week though, or whatever you deem appropriate. He’s busy having fun at uni, he’s more than likely to be more in touch after uni when teatime is actually teatime and not time to get ready or try to finish an essay so you can go out. At the end of the day, if he’s having a good time at uni he won’t be in touch and that’s a good thing. If he ever needs you though he knows he can ring and you’ll answer. You’ll still be his first point of call when he needs help but at the minute he’s enjoying uni.

Stomacharmeleon · 28/05/2023 20:42

I have three sons. Youngest is at uni and we tend to text. I may speak to him once a week. I would just back off to be honest.

alwaysmovingforwards · 28/05/2023 20:45

I just let mine fly, they called when either something really good or bad happened. And when money was low 😂

I gave my DC a physical letter when they went to uni - just ramblings about how I loved them, why they were good people, couple of family photos, things not to forget etc. As adults they've said they often read their letters whilst away.

They need to explore the world. So cut the apron stings but ensure they know you're there if they need you.

... and then go get a new hobby with all that new free time! 😃

MrsLampard · 28/05/2023 20:57

I talk to my mum and sister every day and we WhatsApp to say good morning and good night. We haven't always done this- we lost my Dad from covid and it seems to be an unspoken agreement between us all that we make sure we are all alive and well everyday

Noicant · 28/05/2023 21:05

Ah he’s young and he’s busy. If you start demanding attention from him he’s going to move further away from you. It’s not about being respectful it’s a young person carving out their own life. Whatsapp is your friend here, drop him a message here and there, stop calling.