How often to call your adult children?

[tiggerkid]

Hi everyone,

To keep long story short, I’ll get straight to my question. I have a son at uni and it seems that he never actually has any time for his parents at all. Whenever I call him, he never answers the phone. Clearly, he must be able to see that he has missed calls but he never calls back. This is regardless of the time of the day or which day I call. And to be honest I wouldn’t say I am one of those parents who call every day. I have tried explaining to him that we just want to make sure that everything is fine and if he can’t answer the phone at a particular time, all he has to do is respond something by text. No success.

When I finally managed to get through to him this week, for about 3 minutes, he gave me just “yes” and “no” kind of answers. When I asked if everything was ok, he said everything was fine and he was just giving me short answers because I was interrogating him apparently. My questions, however, were generally about what he’s been up to, if the weather was good, if he managed to catch up with his friend etc. I was just trying to keep the conversation going amid his yes/no answers.

I don’t actually know what to do with this but his behaviour seems generally quite disrespectful. When we come up to visit him, we usually take him to lunch and after that, he wants to go straight away and doesn’t want to spend a second longer than lunch itself in our company.

He doesn’t remember either mine or his dad’s birthday and basically generally seems to not want to have anything to do with us other than for us to supply money for his university living expenses.

I am not at all saying I am the greatest mother in the world or has been the greatest ever but is that disrespectful or am I expecting too much here and need to tone it down? I generally don’t call more than, let’s say, once every 2 weeks or so. In his first year, I called weekly but then I thought maybe it’s too often, so I cut down on that and try not to hover too much. But even that seems like too much. What would you do?

My dd is 20 and in her second year of university, we text, she wouldn’t want to chat on the phone and neither would I. Neither of us like phone chats! But we text a lot, usually every day or every other day but it’s not anything long and meaningful - often just a photo of her dinner that she’s proud of making or I’ll send her something funny. Sometimes we tag each other in funny stuff on instagram. I think we have a very good relationship and when she’s home we spend a lot of time together doing things / chatting etc. I think you’re expecting a lot to actually chat to your son on the phone, at their age they really don’t tend to do that!

Seriously??!

I could have written your exact post when my sons were at uni and to be honest my youngest isn't much better now. It does hurt at times but I think it's a maturity thing and my eldest son calls in a weekly basis now - he is 29! One of my closest friends has two daughters and they text and call several times a day. They made me question my relationship with my sons but I have realised daughter /mothers different relationship. I know my sons love us and we have good family get togethers ans they can talk to us about their problems so it does get better ! X

Honestly I think it’s a son thing unfortunately. Not always but usually.

I have 3 brothers and my DP is 1 of 5 boys (one sister).

I speak to my mum daily. I did at uni and I do now I’m in my thirties with a family. Most of my friends (all female) speak to their mums at least weekly as a minimum but usually daily/every other day.

My brothers call my mum if they need something unless instigated by her.

My sis in-law speaks to mil daily and pops in most days. My DP and his brothers only visit for set reasons/events. Infact I speak to MIL more than he does, as do their wives. The one who is single MIL doesn’t hear from unless he needs something.

My work colleagues (in their fifties and sixties with adult children). All say they hardly hear from their sons unless they need something too. All close to daughters if they have them though.

Could be entirely anecdotal but it seems a general consensus even if you Google it about sons/daughters. So not just my view I don’t think.

So don’t take it personally OP. He’s probably fine and knows where to go if he’s in any bother x

I was always relieved to hear nothing from them when they were at uni. We used to text but I don’t remember ever calling them. It’s their time to stretch their wings, leave him be @tiggerkid .

My 2 are 25 and 30. DD1 is pretty good at phone calls once every 3/4 weeks and messages in between. DD2 is hopeless. She never calls and replies to messages ages after they are sent. The only way I can get her attention is to send pics of the dog! I don't mind at all. It's just who they are. This has been the same since they were at uni btw so nothing to do with working.

My DS was the same. I just sent texts and WhatsApps, sometimes asking how things were but mainly telling him what was going on at home, sharing anything funny that had happened or that I read about, no pressure to reply. I spoke to some other mums about it and it’s more common with boys apparently.
I was chuffed to bits when he got in touch and asked for my help proofreading his dissertation and for advice when it all went south with his study partner. He’s enjoying himself but he knows we’re there if he needs us, think that’s the best you can hope for. He’s finding his independence it’s something to be proud of - even when you do miss your little lad.

Yup. There’s a subtle demand in the Op’s wording.

WhatsApp chat ftw!

Dd might message a few times in one day then not for a few. When she first went to Uni, I told her I would let her lead with getting in touch, but asked she let me know she was ok occasionally.

Today she has sent me 8 TikTok’s, told me about a flatmate drama and sent me photo of her lunch. I might not hear anything til later in the week. Or she will message again.

She also respects that I work. So if she messages and don’t reply, for hours that’s fine. And it’s fine if she does the same

I would say that him not getting in touch in not disrespectful, it means you have brought up an independent young man who is finding his own way in the world. That he doesn't need you for this is great. Just look forward to the times you see him.

No news is good news.

I’m another one to advise to drop in a text every couple of weeks. If I miss a call from one of my folks I presume it’s an emergency/important.

DP would rather shovel shit that have an awkward catch up of ‘yes’ and ‘no’ as he feels interrogated by MIL.

My dd is 40. I text a daily 'Hello, I love you,' and she responds or not depending on what's going on and how she feels. She phones when she has time and feels like it.

Let him go. Let him know you are there and care, but don't ask anything further. He's thoughts are all about himself at his age.

My DS is 22 and we exchange a few WhatsApp messages most days .. and probably a weekly phone call as well. I also nudge him to call his 90 year old DGM every couple of weeks which he does, she is very generous and gives him a monthly allowance but they are also very close. (I took her for an overnight trip to his Uni city ).

My brother still uses our parents. He calls them when he needs childcare or money (he's 42) but rarely any other time. Never invites them for family days out and he and his wife express an open preference for her family than his, despite both sides being supportive.

Unfortunately that's just his personality and entitlement.

Personally I would reduce the financial support. Not as a tit for tat but so that he realises you're not just a bank. I would also not feel scared to tell him some truths.

"Son, it's hurtful when your child never responds to messages. We know you're busy, and we're glad you're seemingly enjoying it, but you need to start showing some effort in the relationship. How would you feel if you had a child who didn't want to speak to you?"

My parents tread very carefully never to offend my brother but therefore he gets away with treating the poorly (often rude to them too) and has no incentive to change.

Having seen sons through Uni I would say it’s pretty typical. And each son was different. Accept the fact that you have to do the running, but don’t harass them. They want to be independent men, but also find it difficult to admit that they miss home. Agree that texts are the way to go, with the intermittent meet up that offers them benefits eg lunch out and a food stock up. Different from daughter relationships I suspect. I did despair at times, but made a point of maintaining contact - even if it didn’t seem appreciated at the time- and now have loving sons who value and initiate contact with us. Keep the faith, it pays off in the end!

When mine were at Uni, I used to message every few days with a message that did not need a reply, but just reminded them I was around. When they needed me they called.

DD1 is second year uni. We chat once a week on WhatsApp, usually at the weekend. I don't message between that unless we need to ask her something, but DD2, who is still at home this year, follows her on BReal, and also has a snapchat streak with her.
Once a week seems about right, and we normally message her on Saturday morning to ask when is the best time to call.

Why would you be relieved?

We only call if there's an emergency. It's just not my preference to talk on the phone nor is it theirs. The upside of that is that if I do call they always answer because they know that there's a reason that I'm calling.

We do text, not quite daily, but several times a week.

Age 32 I speak to my mum every day and my dad once or twice a week. Age 21 I probably spoke to each once a week or once every ten days and often by text

I speak to my parents maybe once or twice a month and see them three times a year.

Ha ha- I remember getting a letter from DM in about week 4 saying “ dear illiterato. Remember me? I am your mother. Are you alive? If so please provide proof of life. Btw, the boy that has the room next to the phone that you gave me the number of is very nice. Is he up for adoption?”

i did write back to her in all fairness but yes, I wasn’t the best communicator. Now we send each other gardening pics on a daily basis via WhatsApp.

The word disrespectful is a bit off somehow.

Yes, it would be nicer if he messaged. But I wouldn't particularly feel like messaging somebody who expected my respect. After all, OP, you clearly don't respect the fact that calls don't seem to work for him.

What's wrong with a quick message of "hiya, hope you're well, would love to catch up, when's good to call?

(plus let's be honest, students have no standard windows of availability that aren't taken up be lectures, lie ins or nights out)

That generation seem to feel very differently about talking on the phone-there are so many other ways to communicate they just don't talk on the phone the same way previous generations did.

I find what's app is an easy way to "chat" that way you can each pick up the conversation when you have time. Students are busy-studies, friends, sport etc etc and you may be ringing at awkward times for them.

That was (and still is post Uni) the way it was with both DS's.
DD chattier-we whats app each other "chat?" and then maybe it's a good time or not and we plan accordingly.