How often to call your adult children?

[tiggerkid]

Hi everyone,

To keep long story short, I’ll get straight to my question. I have a son at uni and it seems that he never actually has any time for his parents at all. Whenever I call him, he never answers the phone. Clearly, he must be able to see that he has missed calls but he never calls back. This is regardless of the time of the day or which day I call. And to be honest I wouldn’t say I am one of those parents who call every day. I have tried explaining to him that we just want to make sure that everything is fine and if he can’t answer the phone at a particular time, all he has to do is respond something by text. No success.

When I finally managed to get through to him this week, for about 3 minutes, he gave me just “yes” and “no” kind of answers. When I asked if everything was ok, he said everything was fine and he was just giving me short answers because I was interrogating him apparently. My questions, however, were generally about what he’s been up to, if the weather was good, if he managed to catch up with his friend etc. I was just trying to keep the conversation going amid his yes/no answers.

I don’t actually know what to do with this but his behaviour seems generally quite disrespectful. When we come up to visit him, we usually take him to lunch and after that, he wants to go straight away and doesn’t want to spend a second longer than lunch itself in our company.

He doesn’t remember either mine or his dad’s birthday and basically generally seems to not want to have anything to do with us other than for us to supply money for his university living expenses.

I am not at all saying I am the greatest mother in the world or has been the greatest ever but is that disrespectful or am I expecting too much here and need to tone it down? I generally don’t call more than, let’s say, once every 2 weeks or so. In his first year, I called weekly but then I thought maybe it’s too often, so I cut down on that and try not to hover too much. But even that seems like too much. What would you do?

They absolutely hate phone calls at that age. They are a generation who grew up with messages and the internet. When they leave uni and start work having to use a phone is a real issue.
I kept it light and sent messages about things they might find interesting. Still do actually and they are in their late 20s now.
I tried very hard not to interrogate and just to be chatty.

I basically haven’t spoken to my family when I was at uni, I visited twice a year, that’s it. Now I have a child I speak to them every day on video calls: Now I am worried that when my child grows up and leaves, he will be like I was, I know I would find that very difficult.

Our son year 1 usually facetimes us at least 3 or 4 times a week. We don’t call him as he is usually busy but we text him and replies but not usually straight away.

My mother is only finally getting the message now that I'm 40 that I hate her and have no time at all for her in my life. I've spent years not returning her calls or taking days to respond to E-mails. Cannot wait until I don't have to worry about see her name flash up on my phone or laptop and she's safely in the ground.

I find whatsapp good we put up photos of the dog! They bit self centred at those ages. My son can be casual (21) but he bit better lately. Would reply. We use it more for nights out. Hope u get home safe that type of thing.

I usually just WhatsApped random stuff about home/ extended family/ sports/ dog..anything to keep in touch. My ds was going travelling in Asia and l said l really needed to know he was OK. He messaged every few days saying " all grand" ..at least l knew he was alive!! If they are in a house with others they hate talking on the phone but l have noticed as college ended and they got older they call more. The one thing they hate is pressure so keep yourself busy so he knows you have a life and shoot off the odd message. Don't take it personal.

I had a flatmate who used to block the phone crying on the phone to her mum for an hour most nights. You wouldn’t want that!!

WhatsApp is a godsend…. Mix it up with short and long messages, videos, voice notes, links to interesting articles, daft gifs and memes.

Know that no news is good news from a DC at uni!!

I have a 19 year old who lives on his own. He works, he's not at uni. He's realised I'm much happier if he checks in every morning and night. Just a 'morning mum! Sun is out - up and at it' is fine. Then a goodnight to know he's home safe. We do sometimes text during the day, just a quick check in. I'm a widow, he's on his own, it helps us both to touch base. I visit him or he comes home about once a month. He's been struggling these last couple years, I want him to know I'm thinking of him.

I speak to my at-Uni Ds once a week.
Maybe exchange WhatsApps if it’s something I know will amuse him. But don’t always get a reply.

I hardly ever ring my kids. I ring the one who lives locally but the uni student and the others - never. One rings me regularly, two of them we chat mostly through messenger, one rings me occasionally late at night if she is walking home. But if I message and say I have something urgent to talk about they respond straight away.

My mother and her mother spoke everyday and she expected the same from me and it was suffocating. I have gone the other way with my DC's and let them lead the contact.

Set up a family WhatsApp group.
Do you have other kids? Pets?
Post nonsense on it - pictures of dinner, the garden, pets, siblings, football results. Try to get a bit of chat going now and again.
At least you may be able to see he has read the messages!!
Without being over the top I would make it clear you expect at least a text now and again. Doesn't have to be a big deal and you don't have to call to give him his space but he is a loved member of your family and that will never change so he needs to check in now and again. Knowing he can have his space but is so important to you all will not push him away - it will give him a strong sense of belonging and a security.

We text several times a day but rarely talk on the phone

When I was at uni I rarely spoke to my parents. Admittedly this was before mobile phones, but there was a row of pay phones very close to my room. I just wasn't that interested in talking to them! These days we're very close.

Sounds dreadful. No doubt you paid for him to be at Uni too.

He will miss you when your gone.

Sounds dreadful. No doubt you paid for him to be at Uni too.

He will miss you when your gone.

When I was at uni I uses to get messages from my mum asking if i was still alive....fast forward 20 years and I videocall my mum every day even though she doesn't live that far away.

I think he's a teenage lad away from home for the first time. He wants to be with his mates and will be socialising alongside uni studies - give him the room to be independent and just let him know that even though you might not hear from him regularly youll always have his back and should call you if he needs you. He doesn't yet appreciate the financial or emotional side of what you do as parents yet but one day he will. Even though he's legally an adult
Remember that that part of the brain which helps us make good decisions etc is still developing in males of his age. I know it's hard but maybe like some other posters have said having a set time on a set day for 5-10 mins to let you know all is OK might be a start that way he might not feel your 'intruding on his time' by you constantly calling even if its just a message every Sunday night or something to say 'I'm ok' but don't expect too much from him at this point.

I don't think it's dreadful at all I have a great relationship with my adult dc, just at 18,/19 they weren't phoners, it's not a huge melodrama.

DD and I send silly memes and she will FT or call probably once a week telling me about some drama or funny story but unless there is something specific this is instigated by her.

My DH calls his mum every day. I call my parents rarely. Similar at uni age though less pronounced.

Same as most others, we WhatsApp all the time but rarely speak on phone. We give him a nudge about birthdays, Mother’s and Father’s day, ring granny she hasn’t well etc

After WhatsApp came along my family mostly messaged. But several messages a day.

Phone calls much less frequent almost always initiated by the children. My parents phoning usually meant something bad had happened. They are both dead now but my siblings and I continue in this manner with a bust WhatsApp group and sporadic actual phone calls. I spoke to my brother today, who has also spoken to my sister recently. But I've not spoken to her for weeks.

At uni my parents never phoned me. I called them probably once a week, more at exam time and texted after they and I got mobile phones. I had a dangerous hobby which also involved lots of rural driving and would text when I was heading back to Uni city after doing it and then again when I got back to my flat.

I also emailed my Dad in those days as he was the only one who had an email account.

In your shoes I'd switch to text/ WA messages and try to establish an expectation of response to "are you dead" messages everything is probably situation normal for university aged kids.

My two are still at home but back when I was a student, pre internet / mobile days, I'd write a letter occasionally (not sure how often) and only phone every few weeks. They couldn't phone me as I used public phones. I can remember not being greatly interested and I wouldn't have wanted to explain everything I was up to. I knew I'd see them soon enough in the holidays. I remember in the 3rd year deciding I'd better phone my mother as it had been 3 weeks since my last call, and she correcting me that it was 4 actually - I felt guilty as I realised she had probably felt neglected.

But otherwise didn't think of my parents much. I knew they were there if I needed them. I imagine I'd be messaging my own kids regularly though - probably not daily but more than fortnightly and can't imagine them not answering, so I can understand it must be quite upsetting for OP.

TBH I've never liked chatting on the phone to anyone. I'm fine with a call to make specific arrangements, otherwise I prefer to message. I was delighted when I first realised I could send texts! (I love chatting in person though.)

I can sort of relate, mine never calls and sometimes doesn't answer but he does always call back and responds saying oh i was a at the library etc. but doesn't always seem believable. When he comes home he's nice for the first day and then acts as if we're literal torture to be around and complains about missing uni life. 😥With like no consideration for our feelings. It does seem like we're literally there for money sometimes too but I think the one thing which I can get by is he does feel guilty and he does try, he just clearly has other things he prioritises over us.

Anyway, despite this, we call him daily and message him daily. Messaging seems to happen more but I'll take what I can get.

The best way to get a reaction is to post to the family whatsapp with photos of the dog. My sister says the same. He is finding his independence, OP, just let him off. Send the odd text that isn't about him or you. Last text I sent to my kids was a photo of all the tupperware one of them had returned to me after years of taking leftovers home from dinner here. most of the others are photos of the dog. I would only text to ask if they were ok if I knew there was something happening for them.

My dds called me nearly every day when at university - sometimes it was almost too much for me :) Ds probably called once a week or rather picked up when we called once a week. Now he is working he calls me once a week - he has put an alarm on his phone to remind him at DH's suggestion :). It's not that he doesn't like us - he has dinner with us usually once a week and will come away for a weekend if it is local - it is just it wouldn't occur to him. Whereas I get every bit of drama and thought that happens to the dds in real time - they do it to each other too.

Oh and birthdays prompt him.

I still prompt my brother and he is a proper grown up with a responsible job in his forties!

All three of us tend to sign extended family cards from all of us. Leading our only remaining relative to get very confused as she appears to get three birthday cards from all of us! And sometimes even three gifts.