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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be pissed DH sneaks his friends in EVERYTHING

116 replies

ivfregret · 28/05/2023 11:08

I like my DHs friends on the whole but he has to always see them they're involved in EVERYTHING.

It's really pissing me off.

This weekend alone they've made an appearance yesterday, this morning - he finds a way to involve them in everything despite he said he's not even feeling well.

In a weekend he often sees them 3 or 4 separate occasions, they often come to Meals with us, gym workouts I'm just fed UO with it.

AIBU?

OP posts:

toomuchlaundry · 28/05/2023 17:14

Do you do much together, just the two of you?

Natty13 · 28/05/2023 17:16

Next time he tries to get his leg over tell him you can't because his friends aren't there.

Then have a serious conversation that if he treats you as equal to his friends with no 1:1 time you'll behave like a friend and you don't shag your friends do you?

sadsack78 · 28/05/2023 17:49

It's not clear from your post how old you and your dh are.

Having close friendships is fine and even an attractive quality in another person. But this seems like your dh and his friends are stuck at a different stage of life to you.
I wonder if your dh's friends are married or in relationships? What you have described sounds like grown men hanging out all day like teenagers with no obligations and nowhere else to be.
Most adults I know who see their friends a lot schedule in proper meals together, coffee mornings or trips together etc. They don't just roll up and expect to chill all day.

Also, the remark about how you should be flattered that this bunch of wasters has approved you into their group- a rare exception as you are female- would make me want to smack him with a frying pan.

It sounds like you and your dh at at incompatible phases of your life. You're ready to be a mother and have an adult marriage. He is still acting like a kid and has no plans to do otherwise.

I would hesitate to have a child with this man. He is not necessarily a bad person- you just want radically different things from life. That happens, and seeing that and accepting it will save you a lot of heartache down the line.

If you have a child, you will be stuck trying to take care of a baby with a bunch of men-children in your living room. It will not be good.

I wish you the best, OP. You've been a lot fairer than most of us would be in trying to compromise and make it work.

Hidinginplainsightnow · 29/05/2023 18:11

He’s a man child. Dump him

T1Dmama · 29/05/2023 18:16

I couldn’t cope with this. He sounds very Immature.
where are your friends? I think you start making plans with and seeing more of them (independently of your OH

OhcantthInkofaname · 29/05/2023 18:33

You said he brings you to his parents so he doesn't have to deal with them. Does he bring his friends home so he doesn't have to deal with you? Ask him.
Start bringing all of your girlfriends around.

CantFindMyMarbles · 29/05/2023 21:37

I’d be over the moon.
Id have various DIY tasks for them to do. If not - then I’d enjoy the me time

Winnipeg23 · 29/05/2023 23:27

Definitely don't have kids with him. He sounds horrible and selfish and tbh u just want different things. You want a grown up relationship and a family. He wants to be a lad and go out with his friends and have them back.
Cud be difficult decisions ahead.
Just don't involve children yet unless u want to hurt yourself and them even more.

Somanycats · 30/05/2023 00:13

Adult DS does this. It drives his gfs bananas. And I'll be blunt, he does it because he prefers the company of the friends to the gfs. But at least he hasn't married any of the gfs. Seriously, don't have a child with him. You are not his priority.

Mamanyt · 30/05/2023 01:08

Time to remind him that marriage is a give-and-take situation, and that, while you appreciate his friendships, and him including you in some things, you'd also appreciate one-on-one time with him. Perhaps Saturdays to share with friends, and Sundays to be together, just the two of you.

If this seems unfair to him, give some deep thought to the validity of the relationship over a number of years. It isn't likely to get better. Now, JUST THIS is not a "kick him to the curb" thing at this point, but do you find yourself doing what he wants/is comfortable with almost all of the time? If so, I'd really think this over HARD. "Controlling" does not always mean loud, obnoxious, overbearing. Sometimes it is quiet, and hard to see.

Ilovetea42 · 30/05/2023 01:27

You need to sit down with him and agree boundaries. Firstly, it's his home so of course he can have friends over. but it's also your home which means you get to veto visits and at least deserve a certain amount of a heads up in advance. You need to find a compromise on this. For example my dh and I have designated Sundays as family time. So we go out together and have the day together without being on our phones etc. Can you tell him that you need and appreciate quality time with just him and agree you'll do things alone together x times a week etc or he needs to check in on what you're expectations are- it's unfair if you're thinking you're going on a nice quality time date together but then you're surprised to find out it's just a group hang out. I'd have a serious chat about his expectations of how often he thinks he'll see them should a child come along. My dh is out two nights a week (don't begrudge these at all) and it's tough going when I had a colicky baby crying at me got 3hrs every bedtime when I was exhausted too. If your dh is expecting to be out with friends lots during moments like that it will inevitably put a strain on your relationship.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 30/05/2023 02:02

This is a man who can't be alone, ever. He wants constant attention and to constantly be the life and soul of the party. Smacks of some serious inadequacies.

This doesn't bode well for a happy and fulfilled family life.

FlipFlopVibe · 30/05/2023 09:51

I would hate my husband constantly bringing back friends unannounced, I’m a real introvert and my home is my safe space where social anxiety doesn’t come into play.

somet this isn’t age related, it’s personality based. I remember my first year with my now husband, he’s a little bit neurodivergent and can be spontaneous and doesn’t always ‘read the room’. We had an unusual full weekend off together a few weeks before our first Christmas together, we decided to go into town, have food, a couple of drinks, choose my new bracelet that he wanted to get as a gift. I was so excited to do the couple things I saw everyone else doing, walking around looking at the Christmas market stalls hand in hand. As we travelled into town, he rang his Mum and asked if she wanted to meet us so he could chose his present from her at the same time. I was so disappointed, she stood and stared at us through the jewellery shop window (she thinks I’m a gold digger) and stuck to us like glue the whole time. Talk about uncomfortable. After that I noticed how often we would make plans then he’d suddenly say ‘let’s invite so and so!!’ No let’s not. I’ve had to be really firm and say ‘our time together is rare and I really value it, can you tell me why you need X there too?’

I think it often comes down to introverts and extroverts. I love my own company and that of my husband and whilst I enjoy social occasions, I don’t need them all the time. Your partner may be a natural extrovert and need that constant external conversation to feel like his time is well spent. My husand I have learnt to live alongside our differences but it’s not always been easy and it can still rear up sometimes. It seems like you have reached a crossroads and need to make a decision if this is something you can deal with long term.

Skodacool · 30/05/2023 14:04

Do you have female friends, if so, what is he like with them?

Pencilsaremylife · 30/05/2023 14:16

You know all of the posts on here from women saying I have 1 or 2 children, 1 child and pregnant, and their DP’s or DH’s are upset that they can’t do everything that they want when they want to do it, still acting like single men. Rolling in pissed in the middle of the night then too hungover to go out on family days out, refusing “to babysit” their own kids. I would be thinking very hard about the TTC or this could be your future.

GCalltheway · 30/05/2023 15:16

He is either diluting your company - he is avoidant of any real intimacy or is is so socially needy/outgoing he can’t cope alone.
All of those descriptions are not conducive with a healthy family life. I would reconsider your relationship if after some proper conversations he is unwilling or unable to change. This is not sustainable with a new born and you will literally be left holding the baby

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