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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed DH sneaks his friends in EVERYTHING

116 replies

ivfregret · 28/05/2023 11:08

I like my DHs friends on the whole but he has to always see them they're involved in EVERYTHING.

It's really pissing me off.

This weekend alone they've made an appearance yesterday, this morning - he finds a way to involve them in everything despite he said he's not even feeling well.

In a weekend he often sees them 3 or 4 separate occasions, they often come to Meals with us, gym workouts I'm just fed UO with it.

AIBU?

OP posts:
1037370E · 28/05/2023 14:24

Was he the same before you married?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 28/05/2023 14:32

Why do you have to be involved in that, OP? I wouldn't. If he wants his friends to the house, that's by agreement as it's your home too - and he can host, cook, make drinks, whatever - and clean up after them. I'd take the opportunity to go and do my own thing.

If it's out of the house then let him. If he's actively choosing to spend more time with them than you then you have a decision to make. You will not change him though and I would not be having a child with him.

I'd try one more conversation saying how you feel, giving examples, and then consider what you want to do.

gamerchick · 28/05/2023 14:35

Having babies with someone like this is a mistake OP. This niggle will turn into a huge issue when there's a baby in the mix and he will tell you that you knew the score.

Tell him that he's to visit his friends at their own houses for a bit, even if that means you don't see him. You can see then what life will be like when you have a baby. You'll not be able to tolerate a houseful once you've given birth.

Stop TTC. Tell him your lives aren't compatible with kids

TheYearOfSmallThings · 28/05/2023 14:41

He also says that long term it's a problem if he can't see how friends as much as he's very sociable and it's my issue if I have a problem with it.

I actually think it's ok for his to say this, as long as his sociability is not a new thing. If he has always been like this and you are now expecting him to change, that might not be a reasonable expectation. I wouldn't accept it if a DH suddenly changed the rules so I couldn't see my friends.

Having said that, it would annoy me too.

InsomniacVampire · 28/05/2023 14:42

I don't think TTC with this man is the way to go... It will most liekly only get worse and he will start buggering off with friends to avoid responsibilities, and looks like you will be on your own.
OR you will have house full of dudes having fun, being knackered with a tiny baby.

HeidiUpTheMountain · 28/05/2023 14:50

ivfregret · 28/05/2023 11:26

Yes I've spoken to him about this. He says he loves his friends and loves me and if I like them and they like me what's the issue?

He also sees it as though I should be privileged given that most men just bigger off with their friends and don't invite the woman and at least I'm 'accepted' into the group basically,

He also says that long term it's a problem if he can't see how friends as much as he's very sociable and it's my issue if I have a problem with it.

I'm less sociable getting older correct but I'm still fairly sociable

Is he from a troop of gibbons, perhaps, rather than a human?

He doesn’t sound like the sort of person with whom you’d want to plan a future. Have you been through any tough times yet, which have tested your commitment to each other? I’d put money on him being the sort to run a mile if your were ever ill or in a situation where you needed emotional support.

Aquamarine1029 · 28/05/2023 15:00

Your marriage is doomed. Having a child with this man would be a massive mistake. He's not mature enough to be a decent father.

MsRosley · 28/05/2023 15:01

I'd put my foot down about them always in your house - you're entitled to some privacy and down time - and I'd also think twice before having kids with this man.

philautia · 28/05/2023 15:06

"Most men" don't do this OP, despite his protestations.

You need to stand up for yourself. If you're going for a meal together and he says he's inviting his friends, tell him no! I couldn't be with someone like this - it will only get worse if you are successful with TTC.

Saracen · 28/05/2023 15:29

I used to behave like your husband does. The fact of the matter was that I enjoyed my friends' company more than my fiance's company. It was my first proper relationship and it took me a while to realise that a long-term relationship wouldn't succeed when he meant so little to me.

Againstmachine · 28/05/2023 15:33

Brutally honest he's a manchild who needs to grow up and values his friends more than you, he is scared of he doesn't go out with them they will disappear.

Paq · 28/05/2023 15:35

He sounds astoundingly immature.

How old is he?

itsmylife7 · 28/05/2023 15:40

He's an extremely social person and I doubt he'd try,or even want to change.

You need to think long and hard if you really want to have children with him

Nothing wrong with him being the way he is but possibly you're not the 'right fit '.

SnugAsA · 28/05/2023 15:44

If you do have a child with him, I wouldn't expect it to change (without major confrontation and ultimatums, if then). Definitely be aware that this is who he is. YANBU to find it unacceptable. I couldn't stand having people popping by all the time, even if he made me aware ahead of time. I value my privacy and alone time, and his desire to spend time with friends doesn't trump your wish for a normal amount of time with just the two of you.

Paq · 28/05/2023 15:54

What would he do if you planned a weekend away, just the two of you?

Magazinenotliving · 28/05/2023 16:10

What everyone else says. This isn’t going to end well, it’s going to get worse. Be glad you never conceived and cut your losses now.

DeflatedAgain · 28/05/2023 16:20

YANBU. That's annoying.

My DH is on the phone to his friends constantly with the loud speaker at full volume. It drives me crazy

Sherrycat · 28/05/2023 16:21

He sounds like my ex!
We were in our early 20's at the time, & he carried on exactly the same way. It didn't bother me too much until we had a baby. He then spent every moment outside the house with his friends instead. We split up when my dc was 4 months old.
I don't like to say it cause it sounds horrible, but I think he's avoiding alone time with you.

Zonder · 28/05/2023 16:28

Do you ever have friends over?

AcrossthePond55 · 28/05/2023 16:31

Absolutely stop TTC. If you're unhappy with this aspect of his behaviour now, you'll be triply unhappy with it when you have children.

My DH wasn't as bad, bringing 'gangs' of friends, but he did have one friend that he was joined at the hip with early in our marriage and whom he constantly had at the house or invited him when we were going somewhere. He was a really nice guy, not 'boisterous' but appreciative, thoughtful and helpful. I really liked him and thought of him as a brother. But no one wants their brother around all the time, no matter how well behaved.

I had an honest conversation with DH, saying that I truly 'loved' X, but that DH needed to ask me first before inviting him. I asked him how he'd feel if my BFF tagged along 24/7 on the weekends. He saw my point and gradually decreased the time his friend spent at our house. If your DH won't listen to you and try to find a 'happy medium' then you need to ask yourself if you're happy being at the bottom of his pecking order.

MrsTerryPratchett · 28/05/2023 16:39

I know a couple of men like this. One was exH. Over time I've realised it's because there's something missing inside them. They feel on some level hollow and empty if they aren't surrounded with people all the time. They struggle with intimate situations where they have to be a real, full, authentic person to one other person.

I wouldn't be with one of those men again.

MrsTerryPratchett · 28/05/2023 16:41

MrsTerryPratchett · 28/05/2023 16:39

I know a couple of men like this. One was exH. Over time I've realised it's because there's something missing inside them. They feel on some level hollow and empty if they aren't surrounded with people all the time. They struggle with intimate situations where they have to be a real, full, authentic person to one other person.

I wouldn't be with one of those men again.

Oddly the ones I know also have a passion (football, music) which makes up for not having a proper, fully formed personality. They're the 'music obsessive' not 'Joe'. IYSWIM.

SchruteShunned · 28/05/2023 16:49

I was with someone like this a long time ago. We always had his group of friends around us and he also had numerous sports commitments throughout the year which meant that he either wasn't available or that there would be his groups of friends around.
In all the years we were together I counted one time we actually went out together on our own and that evening out was interrupted because of a minor family crisis.
It dawned on me one afternoon that we never did anything on our own - we'd even been away with his friends. I realised we had nothing in common or anything to say to each other. I broke things off with him very soon after!

Please do not have a child with this individual, it will only get worse. He'll probably use this as an excuse to be out of the house more often leaving you isolated and resentful.

Thepeopleversuswork · 28/05/2023 16:59

Could it be cultural OP? Is he of non British heritage?

Wondering because my ex came from a country where it’s very much the norm for people to be in and out of each other’s houses all the time and people tend to hang out in big groups. Everything we did had to involve his friends and family and it was rare that we spent time alone. He found the British approach to this very alien and said all the time that people were transactional and hostile to outsiders.

His friends would tip up all the time at our house without warning, they would join us on dates all the time and crash things without ever thinking it was inappropriate etc. I found it infuriating and exhausting.

I ultimately couldn’t handle it: I wanted to have a mature relationship which involved some quality time with my partner and there were other factors. But in a lot of cultures (Southern Europe, South America, some parts of Asia) people live in much more communal ways and this may be quite normal to him.

WhereYouLeftIt · 28/05/2023 17:06

You and he want different things from life. You're not compatible.

Step back and reconsider your life with him. He's NOT going to change, it will always be like this. IF your TTC is successful - he will still be the same, you and DC will still come second to his ever-present friends. Is this what you want your life to be like?

Personally I'd reinstate contraception and start planning to separate. SorrySad